Want to hear a joke, the funnier, the more points.

1. In the human body sketch class, female models pose.

A boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, it wasn't like this yesterday."

The teacher said, "How should we adjust it?"

The boy gulped his saliva and said loudly, "The left leg should go further to the left, and the right leg should go further to the right!"

2. A young lady saw the B-ultrasound examination list given by the doctor but didn't know where to do it.

miss: doctor, where is this 13-super?

doctor: it's not a 13-ultrasound, it's a B-ultrasound!

Miss: Your B score is too wide! (loudly)

3. Xiao Ming: "What is the happiest thing"?

A Dai: "Make love"!

Xiao Ming: "What is happier than this?"?

A Dai: "Do it again"!

4. A teacher stuttered.

lead students to read the text in class one day.

Teacher: "Japanese devils entered the village on ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

the teacher who was listening next to the class smiled.

The teacher was in a great hurry and said to his students, "No matter how many times I have a day, you are only allowed to do it once.".

5. A Dai: "Why can't I get the Lamian Noodles I want? I have been waiting for a long time! "

man: "don't worry, don't worry, the master is pulling!" "

Then the master came with hot noodles and said with great enthusiasm, "I just pulled this! It's still steaming Please eat please eat! "

6. The salesman was away from home for five days a week because of his busy work, so he naturally apologized to his wife and wanted to use the whole weekend to compensate her!

One Saturday, when they were making out in that creaking bed ... suddenly! !

The old lady next door banged on the wall and shouted, Are you finished? ! ! There are seven days in a week! Can't you take a day off?

7. The President and his wife visited the pig farm.

general manager: "how many times does that robust breeding pig mate with sows a day?"

owner: "There are about ten times a day on average!"

Madam President: "Look at her! Look at you again! "

general manager: "excuse me, does that kind of pig mate with the same sow every day?"

farmer: "No, it is mated with different sows."

the president said to his wife, "look at her! Look at you again! "

8. On Mr. Lin's wife's birthday, she asked Lin Sheng to take her to a strip club to broaden her horizons. Lin Sheng was so entangled that she had to do it.

When she reached the gate of the strip club, the waiter politely said, "Welcome, Mr. Lin." Mr. Lin nervously stopped her, but Mrs. Lin glared.

When entering the strip club, the head waiter said, "Welcome, Mr. Lin. Are you still in your old seat?" Mrs. Lin's angry face has begun to turn blue.

At the beginning of the performance, the stripper twisted her waist and took off her clothes one by one with the rhythm of the music.

Jiaosheng shouted, "Whose is this one?"

"Mr. Lin, of course!" All the guests said in unison.

by this time, Mrs. Lin had fainted with anger.

Mr. Lin quickly picked her up and got on the bus.

Mrs. Lin suddenly woke up and cursed angrily: "You liar, bastard, beast!" "

The bus driver said, "Mr. Lin, this girl you are looking for tonight is very provocative!"

9. A couple is very much in love.

W: What are you thinking now?

m: just as you think.

The woman immediately slapped the man and scolded him, you rascal!

1. When the invigilator found a student cheating, he angrily pointed at the student and shouted: You … you … you … you … you dare to cheat, stand up!

after speaking, five students stood up!

11. A mental patient screamed: I am the president, and you all have to listen to me!

The attending doctor asked him: Who said that?

Patient: God said.

hearing this, a patient next to him suddenly jumped up: I never said that!

12. Mom and Dad took A Dai to the beach in California for a holiday.

The foreigners on the beach are swimming naked.

A Dai: Dad, why isn't your penis as big as those uncles?

dad: ... because ... those uncles are richer than dad.

after a while. A Dai wants to drink coke, and dad goes to the store to buy it alone.

A Dai and his mother stayed at the beach, but when his father came back, he found that his mother had disappeared.

dad: where's your mother?

A Dai: Dad, just after you left, a rich uncle came. He looked at my mother. The money was getting more and more, and then my mother left with him.

14. Cars from Xinjiang and Henan collided. Xinjiang people came down to have a look, and thought there was nothing wrong with the car, so they said forget it.

Henan people also smiled and said that there was nothing wrong, so they conveniently took out a bottle of wine from the car.

Henan people: Big Brother, there is nothing wrong with the car. Drink some wine to calm down the alarm!

Xinjiang people took a swig of the wine and handed it to Henan people.

Xinjiang people: Brother, have some, too.

Henan people: I'm not in a hurry. I'll drink it after the police come to see it.

15. A woman lost her way in the forest and was spoiled by the Monkey King after being caught by the monkeys.

I went home for a few months and gave birth. The husband waited anxiously outside the delivery room.

finally, the doctor came out.

husband: are the mother and son safe?

doctor: all is well.

husband: boys and girls?

doctor: I don't know. I ran away before I saw it clearly when I was born, and now I still stay on the chandelier and refuse to come down.

16. Indian policemen all have beards.

One day, a restaurant held a family activity for the police and the people, and the police had free meals.

a policewoman went straight to the door after eating, and the hotel waiter hurried forward to stop her.

Waiter: The police are free. You are not a policeman at first sight, but you have to pay!

policewoman: I'm a secret policeman, with a beard below!

17. The husband goes out by car.

My wife was listening to the radio at home. When she heard a report, she quickly picked up the phone.

wife: honey, I just heard on the radio that there is a car going backwards on the expressway, so you must be careful.

Husband: Which one is it? I think there are hundreds of cars going backwards.

18. After the village chief came back from overseas.

The village chief told his wife that foreigners' women are screaming in bed, which is very provocative.

I slept with my wife at night, and her eyes closed silently

Village head: "Why didn't you scream?"

The wife shouted, "The village chief is Japanese! ！”

19. Xiaoxin: Dad, why are there three golds in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you named it Xin. Just like some people are short of water, they are named Miao, while others are short of wood.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

2. Xiaoming loves watching detective dramas. From the first minute of the opening ceremony, he was looking for the murderer, never missing a suspicious word or a foreshadowing.

On this day, I went to see another play called The Murder in Park Street.

when the waiter led him to his seat, the curtain just opened.

waiter: "are you satisfied with your seat? Sir. "

Xiao Ming: "Sure, thanks."

waiter: "shall I take your hat to the cloakroom?"

Xiao Ming: "No, thanks." Xiao Ming thought it was time for him to go, but the waiter didn't.

Waiter: "Do you want a program?"

Xiao Ming: "No, thanks."

waiter: "there are stills on it."

Xiao Ming: "Thank you."

waiter: "or a telescope?" Xiao Ming refused angrily.

The waiter asked if he wanted chocolate cake and a bottle of champagne, and the plot became tense.

Xiao Ming was angry and anxious. "No, I don't want anything. Go to hell."

The waiter finally found that he couldn't make a tip here, so he gave Xiaoming a terrible revenge. He pointed to the stage and said in Xiaoming's ear with a hateful voice, "The murderer is the gardener."

1. The legend of mosquitoes

① A: "Alas! I didn't sleep well last night! " B: "What's the matter?" A: "I killed a mosquito." B: "Then you should sleep better!" A: "I thought so at first, but who knew that a large group of mosquitoes came later and held a memorial service for it. Even after the meeting, they even had dinner!"

② Two Scottish immigrants who arrived in new york spent the night in a hotel. They were very annoyed by mosquitoes all night, and one of them said, "Sandy, cover your head with a quilt, and mosquitoes won't bite us." After a while, he stretched out his head to breathe fresh air. Then he saw a firefly he had never seen before, and cried, "God, it's no use covering your head. Mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns."

3. Whose skin is thick

Miss Tan said to Mr. Lin, "Do you know what is the most sophisticated in the world?" I don't know. Mr. Lin said. "That's your beard! Your skin is so thick, but they still break out. " "Do you know what is the thickest thing in the world?" Mr. Lin asked. I don't know. Miss Tan replied. "That's your face." Mr. Lin said, "The beard is so sharp, but it just can't grow under your skin."

4. Disadvantages

Teacher: "Do you realize the disadvantages of sleeping in class?" Student: "I know." Teacher: "What are the shortcomings?" Student: "The disadvantage is that it is not as comfortable as sleeping in bed."

5. Solve the problem

Teacher (pointing to the Pacific region on the globe with his index finger): "What is this?" No one answered. Teacher: "Ted, you are good at solving difficult problems. You answer them." Ted: "It's the index finger, one of ten fingers."

6. One question is missing

In chemistry class, the teacher assigns homework. "Exercise 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 16, 19, that's all." Suddenly I heard several boys shouting, "Teacher, there is still one question missing." The teacher was overjoyed, thinking that he was finally looking forward to the day when students took the initiative to study. So he smiled and said, "OK, add questions 22 and 27." When the bell rang, all the boys ran to the lottery betting station and said, "It's very kind of our teacher. We have all the special numbers here."

7. Interview

Jack went to a bar to apply for a guard. The manager of the bar asked him, "Do you have any experience?" "Of course!" Jack just looked around and saw a drunk drinker. He went over and grabbed him at once, then kicked him out. Then he proudly asked the manager, "Can I see the general manager now?" "Then I'm afraid you have to wait for him, because you just kicked him out."

8. Make mistakes again

A certain gentleman is late for dinner. After sitting in a hurry, I saw the roast suckling pig in front of me, so I said happily, "It's not bad. I'm sitting next to the suckling pig."

as soon as the words were spoken, I found a fat lady glaring at each other. He quickly said with a smiling face, "I'm sorry, I mean that one is baked."

9. Wrong direction

On the Orient Express, the conductor looked at an old lady's ticket and said, "This is a ticket from Berlin to Paris, but our train is for Istanbul."

The old lady looked at the conductor seriously and asked, "What should I do? Didn't even the driver find that he was driving in the wrong direction?"

1. Fishing

Patrol: "Fishing is forbidden here, and 2 yuan will be fined." Fisherman: "I'm not fishing, I'm teaching earthworms to swim." Policeman: "Really? Let me see. " Fisherman: "Look." Patrol: "Swimming naked, fine 5 yuan."

11. Knowing Birds

In the animal science examination of a university, the examiner announced the test question: "There are ten birds in front of the classroom, and each bird is covered with a cloth bag, only its legs are exposed. Please carefully observe the legs of each bird and then say their common names, habits, etc. " A college student observed the legs of each bird, but these birds seemed no different to him. The more he looked at them, the more annoyed he became. He got up and said to the professor, "This kind of exam is so boring." The professor was surprised by his words and deeds and quickly asked, "What class are you in? What's your name?" The exasperated student went to the podium and lifted trouser legs up, patting his thigh and yelling at the professor, "Aren't you awesome? Then look at my legs and see which class I am in? "

12. ditto

There was a quarrel between husband and wife. The wife was a bitch and swore a lot, "Fuck you, go to hell …" The husband was a professor, but he couldn't bear to swear, shouting, "ditto, ditto!"

13. Aesthetics

Q: "What's the difference in aesthetic concepts between the Qing Dynasty and the Tang Dynasty?" A: "The beauties of the Qing Dynasty, such as Lin Daiyu-'I don't know the beauty when I get on the horse'; Beauty in the Tang Dynasty, such as Yang Guifei-'beauty is not enough'. "

14. Monk

A man and a beautiful woman have dinner. It was hot, and the beautiful woman in miniskirt secretly separated her legs. The man shouted, "Close it!" " Beauty, close your legs quickly. At this time, a monk sat down at the next table.

15. Wukong

A man teased his niece at night: "I'm the Monkey King." The next morning, the man woke up in pain, and his niece said, "Uncle Wukong, I put an embroidery needle in your ear. Please help me conjure up a golden hoop."

16. On the plane

During the journey, one propeller of the plane stopped working, and everyone was praying except a woman who was sleeping for the first time. After the plane landed, people praised her for her bravery. However, when she learned the truth, she turned pale with fear and exclaimed, "God, I thought it stopped running to save fuel."

17. After it rained cats and dogs on the duck's ass, an old man was driving a duck, and a man driving a BMW asked him, "Is the water deep?" Old man: "Don't worry, the car will definitely pass." Soon ... The car was soaked in water. The man cursed: "Isn't it passable ..."

Old man: "Yes, just now the water only reached the duck's ass!"

18. Fake cleanliness

I have a friend who washes his hands every time he goes to the toilet. I appreciate his cleanliness very much. However, one day he came out without washing his hands after going to the toilet. I asked him in surprise why, and he said, "I happened to bring toilet paper today."

19. Ban Hua

During the self-study class, the dean of academic affairs came in and said to the monitor, "Help me find two people, I want to (move) Ban Hua!" The monitor immediately organized the whole class to vote for the class flower, and after a class, he finally unified his opinions and selected the two most beautiful girls in the class. Two beautiful girls went to the director shyly, and the director said, "Come with me to the academic affairs office, I want to move flowers ..."

2. At first sight, the woman said to the matchmaker, "You are lying, he is blind in one eye, and you didn't tell me." "Why didn't I tell you?" The matchmaker said: "After you first met, I said: He took a fancy to you at first sight."

21. Urine test

A Dai had a physical examination, and the nurse told him to have a urine test and a stool test. As a result, it took a long time, and the nurse wondered, "Will you test it after all?" A Dai: "I have swallowed the urine, but it is a little difficult to defecate."

22. Pick up girls

The husband bathed his 3-year-old daughter, and just after putting her in the basin, the daughter shouted, "Look, Mom, Dad is picking up girls."

23. arbitrary

A woman is so arbitrary that her husband has to take her to see a psychiatrist. The husband waited outside for almost an hour, and the wife finally came out. The husband asked, "Are you better now?" "There is no big change," said the lady. "It took me 5 minutes to convince him that the hospital bed was placed on one side of the wall, which was much better than in the middle ..."

24. Turning the disc

A mental derangement was lying in bed singing, singing and turning over.