When her mother said "you support me", her long-term unemployed daughter immediately went out to look for a job.

During the epidemic, the company announced that employees' wages were replaced by subsidies and working hours were normal.

Tingting, who is in charge of managing the media, went on strike angrily.

Previously, she independently operated the company's headline number from scratch, and the powder rose by 20,000 in half a year. Now that account has 50 thousand fans.

Colleague W suggested that she quit her job and do it herself.

Tingting said:

Not yet. It is impossible for the daughter to have no job at home and neither of them has income.

Tingting's daughter graduated from college for more than two years, and her ability is quite strong, but she changes jobs too frequently. Before the Spring Festival, my daughter resigned again because there was no income at home due to the epidemic.

More than a year ago, Tingting had a plan to do freelance work, but every time she ran aground because of her daughter's unstable work. She always said:

Wait until my daughter's job is stable.

Why does this sentence sound so familiar? "When my daughter's job is stable, I will do my own thing."

I remember, many mothers often say this:

The child is too young for me to take care of now. When the children grow up and become independent, I will do what I want.

Is that really the case?

When the children are too young and everything needs our care, mothers always say that when the children are older, I will start doing what I want to do.

It turns out that when the child is older, he can walk and run, and his mother is more worried:

I'm afraid my children will fall, get hurt, get sick and touch things. Busy with children all day, I still can't do my own thing.

At this time, mothers will say: when the children go to school, I will do whatever I want.

When the child really went to primary school, the mother began to worry about the child's studies, worried that the child would not do homework, worried that the child would not be liked by classmates, complained by teachers and so on.

Mothers always seem to worry about their children, even for everyone in the family, but forget their own needs.

A mother thinks that she is devoted to her family and children, which is a manifestation of her responsibility to her family.

However, the rewards they get often backfire: it seems that people don't understand her kindness and take it for granted. This makes mothers feel wronged and painful:

Why did you pay so much, but you didn't get the desired result?

Let's feel it from the perspective of children:

How would you feel if your mother kept doing this, worrying about everything for you and focusing on you?

You must feel a kind of pressure and discomfort, even a sense of suffocation.

When I was young, my mother wouldn't let you touch it. She panicked and reminded you that there were dangers everywhere:

You run and jump, and mom is scared. Mom is worried that you will fall, get hurt, and even stop to interfere with many of your movements;

What do you want to do, mom will do it for you first;

Everything you want is selected by your mother and brought to you.

Over time, you begin to feel that the world is dangerous and you are weak; You will think that mom is omnipotent and I am incompetent; You will feel that you can't do anything without your mother.

You will feel that something is wrong in front of your mother. It seems that she is the one who knows your inner needs better.

Many people say, "That's how we got here when we were young. This is our mother's love. "

See, childhood experience made them psychologically acquiesce that "children can't do anything well, only their mothers can".

So we will see the children going out, and many mothers will tell them in advance: "The weather is changeable today, take an umbrella. It's cold outside, so put on more clothes. " Even what clothes to wear are arranged for you.

The child wants to:

I don't know. Do you bring an umbrella? I don't know if I'm cold or not. I need your guidance and help on how to dress.

Then they may feel guilty again: "mom, it's all for my own good." How can you think that? " So they denied their feelings and accepted their mother's arrangement.

Mothers have a narcissism: they feel that their children can't live without themselves, and they are worried that their children can't live without themselves.

This is actually a mother's subconscious and children can not be separated.

When the child wants to do something by himself, the mother has rushed over first: this is not good, I will do it!

When the mother uses this "I can do it, you can't" model to stifle the child's sense of self-efficacy, the child becomes more and more lazy and does nothing but wait for her to do it.

Mothers have succeeded in making their children completely dependent on themselves, and many neets have emerged.

Because of this, many parents give up their dreams again and again, give up the life they want and become people who live for their children.

Mothers' sacrifices and contributions are often not the gratitude and respect of their children, but the demands and dissatisfaction of their children.

Because everyone can't meet the needs of others everywhere, with the growth of children, their own needs are increasing, and mothers are becoming more and more powerless. Children naturally begin to be dissatisfied and disgusted with them.

Why can't you always start doing what you want to do and enjoy your life?

Because you have lost yourself, you should focus on others.

Many years ago, a colleague of mine thought her customer service job was boring and she wanted to change her job.

Later, a good job-hopping opportunity came, but she said, "My husband is in a bad mood these days. I'll think about it when his mood is stable."

Later, her husband's situation was stable, and her job-hopping ran aground again, because "my friend said it seemed meaningless to continue that job."

Later, she wanted to open a teahouse, but she thought, "Let's wait until the children go to college."

In this way, under the influence of various "other people's factors", she never did what she wanted to do. Finally, she admitted, "Actually, I don't know what I want to do, but I know what I don't want to do."

Is this like the state of many mothers?

Many mothers seem to give up their dreams because of their families and children. In fact, because there is no self, I don't know what I should do and I don't believe what I can do, so I will focus on others.

A person without self can't trust others because he can't trust himself.

When we focus on others and give up our important things, we should be alert. Maybe your all-round narcissism is manipulating you.

It is narcissism to think that others can't do anything without you.

In the TV series Pi, Lin's mother is a narcissistic mother. Miaomiao is in high school, but her mother is always worried that she can't take care of herself. She was worried about everything, big and small, which made Miaomiao want to escape.

How to get rid of this state? Very simple, learn to trust and learn to show weakness.

When you believe in your child's "ability" and learn to rely on it moderately, the child will feel that he is valued and needed, and his inner potential and sense of responsibility will be aroused.

Tingting, mentioned earlier, has been thinking about what she wants to do since she stopped working.

In fact, she gets along well with her daughter, and her decision to suspend her job at home has also been supported by her daughter.

Suddenly, she had this idea:

I can use this time to make my daughter feel that she is needed by me, so as to cultivate her sense of responsibility and do her own thing with peace of mind, okay?

So, she said to her daughter:

From now on, I may have no income for several months, so I need your support for these months.

I didn't expect my daughter to answer very readily: "OK, ask me for money when you need it!" " ..... But I have to find a job first. "

The unexpected effect appeared.

For more than a month, my daughter relied on her mother. When she has nothing to do at home, she always leads an upside-down life, sleeping until dark during the day and playing mahjong at night.

That night, my daughter went to bed before 12.

The next morning, my daughter got up at 8 o'clock. She prepared the information, went out for an interview with a mask, and found a job that day.

Seeing her daughter's change, Tingting's heart began to be full of confidence. She knew that she could really start doing what she wanted to do.

Only then did she realize that trusting children and being willing to use them have such incredible effects. It turns out that only by giving children a chance to play a role can children be truly independent. It turns out that when children feel that they can be needed and relied on, they have a sense of strength and responsibility in their hearts.

Of course, all this should be based on a good and solid parent-child relationship. Only in this way can the two sides live independently in their own country on the premise of mutual independence and support.

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