________I want to talk to you about what’s on my mind

Mom, I want to talk to you about what’s on my mind, but we are thousands of miles apart! Make a phone call, you said you have to go so far to pick them up, and they find it troublesome, so you tell me to call less if nothing happens; write a letter, you say the letter is often opened before it arrives, and even Sometimes I can't even receive the opened letter, so you tell me not to let me write. But, mom, do you know? How much I want to tell you what's on my mind!

It has been twenty-one years since I came to this world, but until now, I have not even been with you for twenty-one years! When I was nine months old, you left me with my grandparents in Shandong and returned to Inner Mongolia. When I saw you again, I was already seven years old. That was when you returned to Shandong to pick up my brother. That time, you stayed in Shandong for more than ten days. Later, when I was going on winter vacation in the first year of junior high school, you and your father went back to Shandong again. But this time, even the New Year has not passed, and you have returned to Inner Mongolia in a hurry. Later, I went to high school. One day, someone sent me a message saying that you were back. I went back home on the weekend and saw you again. That time, to me, you only stayed in Shandong for one day. These are the life experiences I had with you before I was eighteen years old. Am I remembering it correctly? When I was eighteen years old, I walked into our home in Inner Mongolia for the first time. Originally, for an eighteen-year-old, home should no longer be anything new, but in the eyes of eighteen-year-old me, home is such a strange thing! Although I entered home, I didn't spend much time at home because most of the time I lived in the high school dormitory. Before I even got to know all the tables, chairs, and benches at home, a college admission notice took me to a university dormitory thousands of miles away. I have been in college for three years now. I only came back to you during the summer vacation of my freshman year, the winter vacation of my sophomore year, and the summer vacation. I went back to Shandong for the rest of the holidays. Calculated this way, the total time I spend with you is about a year.

Mom, I want to tell you what’s on my mind. I want to know if you are still angry because I didn’t understand your good intentions before I was eighteen? Yes, how can you not be angry? I traveled thousands of miles to see my son, but was turned away by my seven-year-old son! Yes, seven years old is too young to understand things, but you should know something when you are in the first grade of junior high school, right? But what did I do at that time? As soon as you said you wanted to take me back to Inner Mongolia, I threw myself into my grandfather's arms and started crying, and refused to call me mom. While eating, you watched me eat with tears in your eyes, but I put down my chopsticks, turned around and walked away. When you visited me in Shandong when you were in high school, I responded to your advice with a mocking tone. Mom, are you still angry with me because of this? At least the thought of this makes you sad, right? Mom, don't be sad, I know I was wrong. In fact, from the day I stepped into my home, my guilt began to torment me. From then on, I became more and more aware of what a mother's concern for her son should be, what a mother's concern for her son should be, and how heavy a drop of tears a mother sheds for her son is! I understand why your heart beats too fast, I understand why you shed tears in the wind, and I also understand why you treat the eighteen-year-old me like a toddler. Mom, you said that you have ignored me since I was a child and that you owe me too much. However, what should I say about my eighteen-year misunderstanding of you and the harm caused to you by this misunderstanding? ? I know that when you, my father, got married, your family was so poor that there was no food for one more person. But twenty years later, two of your three sons are in high school and one is in junior high school. The house is filled with fashionable furniture. , there are tractors and lawn mowers parked in the yard, and there are more than a dozen cows and more than 200 sheep on the pasture. My dad never went to school, and you only learned how to write your own name when you went to school. With these conditions, it took you and my dad twenty years to bring about such changes in our family. How much did it cost you? I know you've been in poor health. Before we went to school, almost all the money our family earned was used to treat you. Later, when we went to school and the tuition fees became higher and higher, you stopped going to the doctor and only bought some medicine to support yourself. During the vacation, I saw that you couldn't make a mattress because of a herniated disc in your waist and had to sleep on a hard board. How many times have you been unable to eat because of stomach trouble? How many times have you been unable to sleep at night because your heartbeat was too fast and you could only sit on the kang? How many times have you had a headache that made you cry? And how busy is our home? In the words of my third aunt, even a three-year-old child has work to do when he comes to our house.

You are still so busy when we are at home during the holidays. How busy is your home when we are studying abroad? In these twenty years of hard work, you have endured as heavy labor as an ox and a horse, and you have suffered spiritual injustice from your most beloved second son. You have suffered so much!

Mom, I want to tell you what’s on my mind. I know you are a strong person. You want your sons to escape your fate and provide for all three of us to go to college. Now, my brother and I are in college, and my younger brother is in high school. But you and my dad never borrowed money from others to raise our tuition fees. Our tuition fees were all paid for by your sweat. Sending two college students and one high school student to school is impossible for many uneducated farmers like you and my dad, but you did it. My third aunt, even though she had troubles with you and didn't have much contact with you, she even said to my brother and me: "Your parents have lived for you three brothers all their lives!" Once upon a time, our relatives all We were afraid that we would borrow money from them because of the large number of students and the heavy burden, but now they are all envious of us. How do they know how much hardship you and my dad have done and suffered for us three brothers? No matter how hard it is, you always endure it silently, and in turn, you tell us again and again not to save too much in school, to eat and wear properly, to buy what you need, and to spend less money if you don’t have enough money. Ask for it from home. My brother and I are both in our third year of college, and we are about to face the choice of taking the postgraduate entrance examination or getting a job. As the postgraduate entrance examination seemed to be the general trend, my brother chose to take the postgraduate entrance examination, and I planned to work. You said you don't understand these things and let us make up our own minds. If you take the postgraduate entrance examination, your family will support you; if you work, you won’t object. But when you knew that my brother was determined to take the postgraduate entrance examination, you asked me why I didn't take the postgraduate entrance examination. Was it because I was worried that the burden on my family would be too heavy? You said that both you and my dad are in good health and are still young, so it will be fine if we work for a few more years. Mom, do you know how uncomfortable I felt when you said that on the phone? Are you and my dad okay? Have you ever given up on drugs? Are my dad's varicose veins smaller than an egg? Are you all still young? When I returned to Shandong during the winter vacation, I brought a photo of my dad that I had taken during the summer vacation. My aunt looked at it and asked me who that was? I said it was my dad, and she was surprised and said he didn’t look like him anymore, but more like an old man in his sixties! My dad has just turned fifty!

Mom, I want to tell you what’s on my mind. I know that you are often angry with my dad and that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. I still remember that time during the summer vacation, you told me that you and my dad never talked together. We often had big fights over trivial matters, and sometimes even got into fights. You said you couldn't bear it anymore and wanted a divorce. I cried then. You know I don't want to, but if it were me, what would I do? I don't want our family to be divided, nor do I want this life to continue. My brother and I advised my dad, and we advised you, we advised you to be less aggressive and be more patient with each other. During our holidays at home, although you sometimes quarreled, I can see that you are all trying your best to endure it. When we were going back to school, you always said, don't worry about family matters, you will discuss everything carefully and don't be angry anymore. We are still worried, and every time we call at school we have to ask if we are angry again. You always say that you both think about it and are no longer angry. I went back to Shandong during the winter vacation of my junior year, and my brother went back to Inner Mongolia. When I came back from school, my brother told me that you are still angry all the time. You got angry once during the winter vacation. You were cooking at that time. Because of your anger, you burned your face and left a scar. Mom, I know you are unhappy, and it is impossible not to make you angry. Just be less angry and find other ways to vent your resentment. This is much better than being angry with my dad. When I was at home, I told you many times that half of your illness is caused by tiredness and half by anger. As long as you don't get angry and don't take medicine, your illness will be cured by half. Mom, aren't you afraid of spending money on medical treatment? Just to save money, you should be less angry. Besides, my dad can’t speak and can only work hard, but he is a kind person! He has suffered enough in his life. Even out of sympathy, you should tolerate him for a while, right, mother?

Mom, I want to tell you what’s on my mind. I know that because you didn’t take care of me when I was young, you are now more concerned about my future than your elder brother and younger brother. You said you wanted me to live a good life. I asked what is a good life? You said that you used to think it was good to climb out of the crop field, but now you think you have to climb up after climbing out of the crop field. The higher you climb, the better. But, mom, I don’t think so.

I think everyone has his or her own view of a good life. My view on a good life is that status and income are not the main criteria for judging the quality of life. The main criterion should be whether a person can feel happy and fulfilled in life and have inner peace. I told my brother that I planned to go back to Inner Mongolia to work. He said that both you and my dad were against me doing this because the conditions in Inner Mongolia were poor and life was hard. But, mom, do you know? I have always felt that there is a place that needs people to work there, and only when I get to that place can I find a truly good life of my own, and only then can I be happy. Mom, your son has grown up. Trust him and let him make his own choices. He will not let you down.

Mom, I want to tell you what’s in my heart and how I miss you thousands of miles away. In the busy university life, I often suddenly think of you and home, sometimes out of emotion, sometimes for no apparent reason. On a cold and cold afternoon in the depth of winter last year, I was reading a magazine in the library. When I saw the sentence "The snow today has an overbearing gentleness", my tears burst out. It was really beyond my imagination. Unexpected. When I asked myself why, I realized that I felt the coldness in Xi'an and thought of the snow in Inner Mongolia. When I saw the word "gentleness", I thought of home. How could I not shed tears when my home was placed against the backdrop of Inner Mongolia’s ice and snow? I read that Li Si said to his son when he was dying: "I want to hold the yellow dog with you and go hunting outside Shangcai Gate, but it is impossible." I felt very sad and really wanted to go home right away to be with you. My dad and I steam yam and serve the lamb at home. Isn't that a kind of happiness? Think about it, even if I go back to Inner Mongolia to work very close to home, I won't be able to stay with you for a long time. Once a person grows up, there are too many things to do and he can't help himself. Sometimes I often think naively, how nice it would be if I had always been a child, so that I could always be around my parents, at least to make up for some of the shortcomings of my childhood. I once heard an old song that goes like this: How many times does a person have to look up before he can see the blue sky? How many years does it take for a person to see others cry? How many more deaths would it take for him to realize that too many people had died? Mom, I have wasted eighteen years of my life. Now I know I should cherish it, but what can I do?

Mom, I want to talk to you about what’s in my heart and listen to you sing the ancient songs you sang for me when I first came to earth for the first nine months. Can you still do this, mom?