What does the avoidant attachment that dare not love need?

What does the avoidant attachment that dare not love need?

1. I can tell you for sure that avoidant attachment doesn't need you to shout "I love you" or your selfless love. They only need one thing: you have the patience of a hunter. 1.90% people can't get married with avoidant attachment. The reason for parting is not because they don't love each other, but because they are tired.

The self-defense mechanism of avoidant attachment is disordered, and they take "not loving, not giving and not facing" as the basis to defend against risks that do not appear. Security attachment mode and avoidance attachment mode.

Security attachment: Love-expressing emotions always requires-talking-leading to disagreement, and contradictions erupt-resolving contradictions-talking-expressing emotions-reconciliation-intimacy is progressive.

Love-hiding the true feelings-discovering the needs-self-suggestion-avoiding the needs-generating differences-conflict breaking out-avoiding conflict resolution-proposing to break up-deepening the contradictions-intimacy is decreasing. Obviously, the self-defense mechanism of avoidant attachment: not facing contradictions, not facing up to self-needs and not talking.

2. How to make the function of self-defense mechanism return to normal?

Psychologist bartholomew proposed that a person's attachment pattern is mainly determined by two propositions: Am I worthy of being loved? (Self-worth identification) Are others trustworthy? The answers to these two questions determine what kind of attachment you are. Similarly, to cure avoidant attachment, we should also proceed from these two aspects and treat both the symptoms and the root causes.

First, let TAs feel safe love. What are the elements of safe love? The trust relationship and commitment of both parties. Robert Jeffrey Sternberg, a love expert, didn't cheat me. Love has three elements: passion, intimacy and commitment. For avoidant attachment, the role of commitment is far greater than the first two. Commitment is a brick, which makes the house of mutual trust take shape bit by bit, instead of avoiding the self-defense fortress in the hearts of the attached people. This is the first step.

But the sense of security is not limited to the behavior of commitment, but also includes the expression and self-disclosure of partners. Be brave, don't take care of the other person as a patient, all you have to do is tell the other person what you really think at the right time. Even if the other person is very proud and won't show it on the surface, there must be feelings in his heart.

Your frankness and self-disclosure show each other sincerity and hope for safety. Just like you use your softest tentacles to influence and touch each other. As long as there is love in TA's heart, it won't be cruel to cut off this antenna. Strike while the iron is hot and let the other person speak his mind. You are the most sincere listener. What is communication? That is to know the information that the other person wants most. When you say your feelings, you should know more about his real thoughts!

In fact, we can guess if the other party doesn't say anything, but you have to let the other party find this problem by yourself. Maybe he will say, "I'm scared, I'm imagining things"; Maybe he will say, "I can't help it on impulse"; Maybe he will say, "I didn't mean to." When the other party realizes that there is something wrong with his behavior, congratulations on a difficult step.

Only when he feels safe will he take a small step to try! Second, let ta realize the correct value relationship, identify with self-value, and identify with the value of others. Attachment avoiders have found in their past experiences that love and people are not credible, and a person is the safest state. In other words, for attachment avoiders, self-worth is high, but the value of others is low.

For feelings, they don't want to love, but dare not love. Avoidant attachment requires the other person to lower his self-worth and satisfy his own value recognition, which is normal. In fact, it is no different from PUA in essence. Therefore, people who avoid attachment should clearly recognize the value of their partners. Just say it in the most popular language. Don't always lick each other on your knees. It's no use. The more you lick, the more you coax, and the farther away you are.

You can prove yourself through some behaviors, help the other person to accomplish something difficult for him, comfort the other person emotionally and so on. These are all manifestations of self-worth. Key point: You have shown your value, and you should tell the other party that this is your advantage. The unsung hero is emotionally useless. Reflecting on self-behavior and affirming the value of others are the necessary steps of avoidant attachment. Secondly, let the other side realize the value relationship between the two sides-equality.

Patience at the beginning is not patience, patience, etc. Instead, you need to communicate patiently. You should equate your feelings with his.

He will be irritable, he will be irritable, you will be irritable, and you will be irritable. This is the equality of relationship, and you should inform each other of this equality from all aspects. Not only should you show your value, but also let the other party participate more and help you more. At the same time, he can also feel your sense of gratitude and happiness.

Third, go back to the root of the problem.

Actually, it's because of family background. To be sure, the pain of avoidant attachment is definitely related to the emotional experience before Origin and Death. Seeing this, if your partner is an avoidant attachment personality, if you like, you can give him some time to spend with his past and help him come out together.

A better way is to go back to family of origin and make peace with family of origin. No matter how gorgeous the language and decoration are, it is a burden to feelings. Be patient, speak patiently, do patiently and listen patiently. As long as you lick unconditionally, avoidant attachment is not as terrible as you think. But not as cute as you think. If it really doesn't work, give up decisively and don't drag yourself into it.