Have you ever told me some jokes? Thank you.

The geography teacher asked Xiaoming: What shape is the earth?

Xiao Ming answered: The earth is round.

The teacher asked again: How do you know it is round?

Xiao Ming answered: Let's call it a square. You are a teacher, I don't want to cause an argument about it!

= = The consequences of going your own way = =

A tourist saw a sign on the side of the road that said: This road is closed. Besides, the front looks beautiful, so tourists can't get through if they go on and turn a corner. When I got back to the intersection, I saw on the back of the sign: I didn't listen, I deserved it.

= = The best joke in America = =

Two hunters from New Jersey are hunting in the forest. A man suddenly fell to the ground, rolled his eyes and stopped breathing. Seeing this situation, the companion picked up his mobile phone and called the emergency center. He shouted to the waiter in panic, "My friend is dead! What should I do? " The waiter said gently, "Don't be nervous, don't worry, I'll help you." But you have to convince us that he is really dead. "

There was silence ... and then there was a gunshot. The hunter picked up the phone again and said, "Well, what's next?"

= = Best English Joke = =

A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" " "

The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" " "The man replied," Go and get even with him at once, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ……"

= = The best joke in Canada = =

The Canadian space agency began to send astronauts into space for the first time, but they soon got a report that astronauts could not write with ballpoint pens in weightlessness. So it took them 10 years,1200 million dollars, and scientists finally invented the ballpoint pen. This pen is suitable for weightlessness, handstand, water, any flat object, MINUS 300 degrees Celsius.

Russians have been using pencils in space.

= = German best joke = =

The general found a soldier's behavior strange: he always picked up a used piece of paper, looked at it, threw it aside and muttered, "No, that's not what I want!" " "The general ordered the psychiatrist to treat the soldiers. After examination, the psychologist wrote: This person has psychological barriers and is not suitable for being a soldier.

The soldier picked up the diagnosis book and said happily, "Yes, this is what I want!" " "

= = Australia's best joke = =

A woman came to the hospital anxiously. "Doctor, show me quickly! When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and was very scared. My hair is erect, my face is wrinkled, my face is pale and my eyes are red. I look like a dead man. What's wrong with me, doctor? "

The doctor examined the patient carefully, and then said, "Well, I can safely tell you that your eyesight is completely fine!" " "

= = Two jokes that English people talk about Scots and Irish people = =

1. An Irishman called the travel company: "How long will it take me to fly to London?" The clerk wanted to look at the plane timetable and said to him, "(please wait a minute), sir!" " ""thank you very much! " The Irishman answered with satisfaction and hung up the phone.

2. A Scotsman came home from England. The family asked, "How is London?" The Scotsman replied, "Yes! It's the British. It's weird. When I stayed in a hotel, they knocked on the wall next to me all night like crazy people. " "What were you doing then?" "I didn't do anything! I just played the flute all night! "

= = Waiting for the bus = =

I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I chased and shouted, "master, wait for me, master, wait for me!" ...... "This is a passenger leaning out of the window and saying to me," Wukong, stop chasing, Bajie will camel you! "

= = Difficult to do = =

A girl was sitting in a seat, chewing gum desperately, but her foot reached into the passage next to the desk and was found by the teacher. "Mary!" The teacher shouted at her sternly. "What is it, teacher?" The girl replied. "Take the gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

= = Death penalty = =

In prison, a condemned man was fidgeting. A kind guard said to him, "Don't be afraid, the current is very strong, and it won't hurt in a blink of an eye." At this time, there was a scream from the execution ground. "What's that noise?" Asked the condemned man trembling. "I don't know." The guard said, go to the execution ground and see what happened. "Nothing, we have to use candles because of the power failure," the guard said casually.

= = Songkran Festival = =

During the Songkran Festival, everyone splashed water on each other to bless them. Suddenly a man scolded: Shit, who spilled water on me? Others advised that throwing you is a blessing. Don't do that, the curse said. Who threw boiling water at me?

= = Overtime = =

It is common for advertising companies to work overtime. Every six o'clock in the afternoon, many colleagues will call home and inform them that they have to burn the midnight oil and can't go home for dinner. I always feel sour when I listen to it, but once, a colleague who is a father called home, but it made people feel warm and interesting: "Hey, are you a whirlwind?" Tell Superwoman that six million dollar man won't go back to Huaguoshan to eat vegetarian peaches today. Bye. "

= = centipede travel = =

A lonely man bought a centipede as a gift and took it home in a box. Later, he wanted to go for a walk with his new friends, so he knocked on the box and said, "Hey, buddy, shall we go for a walk?" There is no sound in the box. After a while, the man knocked on the box again and said, "Do you want to go out for a walk?" The centipede still didn't answer. He decided to ask for the last time, so he put his face on the box and shouted, "Hey, are you interested in going for a walk?" A faint voice finally came from the box: "I heard it the first time you called me." I am busy putting on my shoes! " "

= = The consulting fee is too high = =

Psychologist: "I've been too impatient and nervous recently, and I need to see a psychiatrist." Friend: "But aren't you the best doctor in your field?" Psychologist: "I know, but my consultation fee is too expensive."

= = West Point Military Academy = =

My father, brother and I went to West Point Military Academy to watch a football match between the Army and Boston University. Before we started, we walked around and met many students in neat uniforms.

Several tourists asked the recruits if they would pretend to be soldiers and let them shoot. "So our son can know what he will get if he comes to West Point to study." A middle-aged couple walked up to a very beautiful female student and asked her if she would like to pose for a photo. They explained, "We want our son to know what he missed when he didn't come to West Point Military Academy."

= = Examination room events = =

Whenever I take an exam, I get 890 points. I play as I please in the examination room, and I win the score twice. Do you really think I did it alone? But seriously! The exam is a mid-term examination room for a group of people. No, this is the final exam. There are 20 seconds before the papers are handed in. McGrady is going to cheat. The dean of the department stood beside him, talking nonsense. It's the headmaster. Anyway, anyway, he passed the note out ... 10 seconds left, and McGrady got the answer! In the last 3 seconds, he needs a fill-in-the-blank question! The answer is coming, and the whole examination room wants to stop him! But he copied it. It's the left hand! Oh, dear, even the teacher was moved to tears. But the newspaper said: I won't ... yes, like that.

1, the reporter asked: Hou Yi, why did you shoot the sun in those days? Hou Yi: Someone paid for it. Reporter: Why leave one? Hou Yi: They only paid nine! Reporter: Why not care about this? Hou Yi: It also paid a price!

2. Reporter: Why did you protect the Tang Priest from learning the scriptures? Wukong: Not just for academic qualifications! Reporter: Is education really that important? Wukong: I am a hooligan who served his sentence at the foot of Wuzhishan, and now I am against the Buddha. Do you think it's important?

An ugly girl has never been married and wants to be trafficked. One day, her dream finally came true and she was kidnapped. What can't be sold? The kidnapper wanted to send her back, but the ugly girl insisted on not getting off. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and said to his partner, Go, don't take the bus!

Two robbers pried open the door of the fashion shop and robbed extensively. Suddenly a robber exclaimed, Oh, my God! His partner was frightened, thought someone was coming and asked what was wrong. The robber said, look, this dress is marked with 30 thousand, which is robbery!

The flight attendant advised passengers to fasten their seat belts: those who didn't fasten their seat belts in the last forced landing were bloody. A passenger asked, What about the one with the seat belt? A: Nothing, everyone is sitting well, just like the living.

6. A condemned man was sent to the gallows, and he begged to put the noose around his waist, not around his neck. He said: I am particularly ticklish on my neck. If I put a lasso around my neck, I will laugh to death.

Tomorrow, when you wake up, there is a mosquito lying on your pillow, and there is a suicide note beside you, which reads: I struggled all night, but I couldn't pierce your face. You are so cheeky, I have no face to live in this world! Lord ~ forgive him! I killed myself.

12. Wolf cubs are born vegetarians. Mother wolf and father wolf racked their brains to train wolf cubs to hunt. Finally, Sirius's parents were happy to see their son chasing rabbits. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit's fierce face and said, boy! Hand over the carrots!

An Englishman, a China and a Japanese compete in marksmanship. They found a woman to tie her to a tree, but instead of hitting her, they put something on her head. The first one is an Englishman. He put an apple on the woman's head and only heard a bang. The apple was smashed to pieces. The Englishman blew the muzzle calmly and said, "I am Zorro" (meaning he is a sharpshooter). The second one is from China. He put a grape on the woman's head and only heard a bang. The grapes were broken into pieces. The China man blew his gun calmly and said, "I am Bond" (meaning he is 007). Speaking of Japanese, people thought he would put a sesame seed or something, but who knows he put a watermelon bigger than a human head. He aimed for more than three hours and only heard a bang. This woman's head is thin and broken. At this time, everyone nearby shouted "Somebody, killed someone", only the Japanese calmly blew the muzzle and said "I'm sorry."

3. In order to test the police forces of the United States, Hongkong and Chinese mainland, the United Nations put three rabbits in three forests to see who could find them first.

In front of the first forest is the American police. They first spent a whole half-day meeting to formulate a battle plan and strictly divide the work, and then sent special forces to quickly enter the forest for a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away and the task failed!

Then it's the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent 100 people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the forest. The leader shouted rabbit, rabbit, you are surrounded. Come out and surrender ... Half a day has passed, but nothing has happened. Flying Tigers entered the forest to search again, and the mission failed!

Finally, there are only four policemen in China. They played mahjong for a day first. At dusk, a man walked into the forest with a baton. Five minutes later, they heard the screams of animals in the forest. The policeman in China came out laughing and talking with a cigarette in his mouth, dragging a black and blue bear behind him. The bear is dying, so stop playing. I am a rabbit. .......

4. The little white rabbit was walking in the forest. When he met the wolf, he came up and put two big ears on the little white rabbit and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. It is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust off the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, his heart sank and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

When a mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital. At the meeting, the dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and everyone should meet them at the door. When welcoming, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate, standing neatly. When I cough, everyone applauds together, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, we can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, no one will have buns to eat, remember? " The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcoming patient was already standing at the door. At this time, with the dean's cough, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Infected by the warm atmosphere, the visiting leaders smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his foot and the applause stopped completely, very neatly. Only this leader is still smiling and clapping, and the dean is very satisfied. Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "Do you want to eat steamed bread? ! ! ! "

6. A psycho got a pistol from somewhere. He walked in a black alley. Suddenly I met a young man. Without saying anything, the psycho pressed him to the ground and pointed a gun at his head! Question: What is 1+ 1=?

The young man was frightened! Meditate for a long time. Answer: equal to 2''? That psycho shot him without hesitation! Then I pulled the gun in my arms and said coldly, you know too much.

7. A young lady who just got her driver's license is driving. At the intersection, the car suddenly stalled and she couldn't start it. So she had to watch the red light turn yellow, then the yellow light turned green, and then the green light turned red, but she couldn't walk! The traffic police on the side couldn't help it, and came over and asked, why, there is no color you like?

8.[ Scene 1]

Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke?

Boy A:No. 。

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it. ...........

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy B:No. 。

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy B is holding French fries carefully because he heard about A.

Teacher: Don't you want some ketchup?

B accidentally got too much, and immediately played DD with two fingers.

Teacher: You are very skilled in not smoking. Call your parents. ............

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy C:No. 。

Teacher: No? All right, French fries.

Because of the first two examples, the boy C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

Boy C picked up French fries and put them on his ear. ..................

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy D:No. 。

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy ate the French fries with trepidation and put them in his coat pocket.

The teacher suddenly shouted, here comes the headmaster.

The boy was so busy that he took French fries out of his pocket and threw them on the ground, stomping on them. ......................

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy: No.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy just took the French fries,

The teacher said: Don't invite me to dinner?

The boy was so busy that he handed the chips in his hand and then took out a lighter. ................

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy: No. Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy ate French fries with trepidation and put them in his upper pocket.

The teacher suddenly shouted, here comes the headmaster.

The boy has sweated his palms and bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster!

Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth.

The boy took the French fries out of his pocket: it's safe, it's still there, the fire hasn't lit yet …

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy: I swear to God, I will never smoke again.

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries.

Boy: It's natural to take away the French fries and eat them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like?

Boy: [Get carried away] Greater China .....

[scene n]

Teacher: French fries, please!

Boy: No thanks.

9. A luxury ship carrying passengers from all over the world is carrying an iceberg and is about to sink. Captain, in order to encourage passengers to jump into the sea to escape,

Say to China people, "It looks like delicious fish are swimming."

For North Koreans, "Now is a desperate opportunity. If you jump now, you don't need to return to North Korea. "

For the British, "as a gentleman, you have to jump at this time."

For Germans, "you should jump according to the rules."

For Italians, "a beautiful woman just jumped."

Say to Americans: "If you want to be a hero, then jump."

For Russians, "that bottle of vodka was washed away, and it's not too late to chase it."

Say to the French, "Please don't jump."

To the Japanese, "Everyone jumped, but don't you jump?" 」

Crew: "Captain! Koreans still have!

"Leave him alone, captain! 」

Crew "Why?

The captain said, "if he jumps into the sea and escapes, we will be in trouble."

He will ask us for an apology and compensation because his clothes are wet. "

10, the head of state of the United States: "The United States has a flight plan to land on Mars."

Russian leader: "Russia has a flight plan to explore the moon again."

Japanese leader: "Japan plans to launch an unmanned lunar probe."

South Korean leader: "You are nothing. We in South Korea have a plan to land a manned rocket on the sun. " Head of State: "If we do that, the astronauts will be burned to death! 」

South Korean leader: "We Koreans are not fools. We will land at night! ! 」

10, American; Germans; Japanese; French; Five Koreans died in the snow-capped mountains. When everyone was starving, God gave them four loaves of bread. God said apologetically, "with my strength, I can only prepare four loaves now." I'm sorry, but the people among you who have made the least contribution to mankind will make sacrifices. " "Five people knelt before God while weeping, and everyone cried.

The Americans said, "We can make spaceships that can sail farther." .

The Germans said, "We can make safer cars".

The Japanese said, "We can make electronic instruments with higher performance.".

The French said, "We can create better art and French cuisine".

When they are all thinking, "What can Koreans say?" The Koreans shouted, "Why isn't the bread buttered? ! "He has swallowed the fourth piece of bread.

1 1, the bullets are all used up!

American soldier: Can you give me a mortar right away?

French soldier: Is it too late to declare neutrality at once?

Japanese soldier: Suicide.

Russia: How does it compare with the victory of defection?

Korean (shouting at the enemy): The bullet is finished because of you!