Ceng Shiqiang talks about feelings.

Communication is an enduring topic in human society, and it is also a difficult problem that we cannot overcome. Whenever it is mentioned, there are always countless words to say, but no one can say for sure that he knows all about communication and can handle it calmly.

For communication, Ceng Shiqiang has a wonderful expression. He believes that there are four levels of communication: no barriers, no barriers, no barriers, no barriers. In real life, ditch blockage is the most common phenomenon. The so-called gap and impassability means that I can't understand what you are saying and can't listen. Our problems are always hanging over our heads and cannot be solved. This kind of dialogue is futile, too difficult, and it is torture to everyone.

In real life, many people stay at the level of ditch and impassability. Said a lot, but can't get the effect, can't achieve the expected communication purpose.

Ceng Shiqiang concluded: The communication between people in China is not easy, which is related to face. There is no necessary connection with the right or wrong. Sometimes, being right is not a good sign, and the other person sometimes feels humiliated because you are right. You may think that you are implicitly accusing him of being wrong, or you may think that you regard him as a fool and know nothing. China people's face is really important, so people who have no face will become angry from embarrassment and even be unreasonable. Of course, the ditch is impassable. People with better self-cultivation are very happy, but they are also very dissatisfied and blocked.

So people in China are very emotional. Many times it is because it is mixed with emotions. People become very sensitive, impulsive and unfocused. It's difficult to communicate.

Communication expert Douglas Si Tong agrees.

Douglas Si Tong, as a communication expert, participated in the 1980 negotiations on South African apartheid and the Iraqi hostage incident, and devoted himself to studying the world-famous Harvard negotiating team for many years. After thousands of professional consultations, he wrote the book Difficult to Talk about.

This book is written to explore the law of communication and solve the problem of communication. It finds the three-layer structure contained in the conversation, makes in-depth analysis in turn, and digs out the psychological factors behind the conversation, supplemented by actual cases. Demonstration and elaboration are scientific and rigorous.

First of all, the highlight of this book is to explain the three-tier structure of conversation.

By studying hundreds of conversations of various types, they found that no matter what the theme of the dialogue is, our thoughts and emotions will gradually enter the same three levels with the dialogue, that is, what happened dialogue, emotional dialogue and self-awareness dialogue.

In the dialogue of "what happened", we often argue repeatedly about who is right and who is wrong, who has what intention and who should be responsible for it because of different experiences and horizons.

In emotional dialogue, we are used to avoiding talking about emotions and suppressing them, which leads to the collapse of emotions at a certain moment and makes things worse and worse.

In the dialogue of self-cognition, we are entangled in whether I am competent, whether I am a good person and whether I deserve to be loved.

Second, what are the things we don't know under the iceberg that surfaced?

Communication is like a huge iceberg, and the exposed part is the dialogue we are experiencing. So what are the things we don't know under the iceberg?

"What happened" dialogue

About the truth

We disagree about the truth of the matter. We think the problem is the other side, and the other side thinks the problem is us. We argued with each other, but the argument didn't solve any problems. It will only prevent us from exploring other people's stories and create obstacles to mutual understanding.

In order for the two sides to reach a certain understanding, we need to learn to put ourselves in the other side's shoes and understand the reasons and significance of the conclusion on the basis of fully understanding the other side's specific situation; At the same time, we also need to help each other understand us, understand where our conclusions come from and what's the significance.

We must understand that in the face of differences, the most effective problem to solve the problem is not "who is right and who is wrong", but "now that we have really understood each other, what is the good way to solve this problem".

About intention

When we play the role of actors, many times we don't want to disturb, invade or ignore each other. We are tolerant of ourselves and don't realize that our actions have actually had a negative impact on others. Even if they have a negative impact, we can easily forgive ourselves. However, when we play the role of receiver, we will unconsciously tend to protect ourselves and make bad assumptions and judgments about others.

Questioning the other party is the simplest and most common way to express this assumption. We think that doing so can let the other party know the hurt we have suffered, the disappointment, anger or sadness in our hearts. But the other party may think that what we are doing is accusing or slandering them, and we want to provoke a bigger dispute, so they defend themselves and fight fiercely. As a result, the result of the conversation was chaos.

About responsibility

When talking, we will argue about something, worry that we will be accused, and can't wait to blame each other. In most cases, accusations play a villain role, and we often indirectly tell the fact that our feelings are hurt by accusations.

But once people fall into the thinking mode of accusation, they will bear an unavoidable burden. You should tell yourself confidently that others are wrong and you are right. At the same time, you must prove this point with confidence. If this continues, it will only get worse and worse.

Emotional dialogue

Our conversation will inevitably involve emotions, but we are used to hiding our emotions. When the vent channel is blocked, our emotions will look for any possible outlet and penetrate outward bit by bit until the right time breaks out, which will unexpectedly affect our conversation, our self-esteem and interpersonal relationships.

Therefore, we must face up to our emotions, understand their hiding places, accept them, understand them, discover the real emotions hidden behind them, and don't let hidden emotions prevent the venting of other emotions. What we can do is to express our emotions completely, let others know our emotions, don't judge them at will, attribute and blame them at will, and don't put pressure on each other.

Self-cognitive dialogue

In conversation, our self is severely tested and our self-cognition will be shaken, because our way of thinking is extreme. We always switch between two extremes in our evaluation of ourselves, either satisfied with ourselves or feeling that we are too poor. In short, because we are extremely sensitive, we do not have an objective evaluation of ourselves.

What we need to know is that in the face of all kinds of complicated situations in life, we need to constantly deal with them, and no one can guarantee that we can always be impeccable and satisfactory as expected. You never know, we always make mistakes and sometimes screw up, which is normal. We can't deny ourselves because we don't behave well in some situations.

Third, the root of communication problems is that we all have the impulse to control others.

The root of the communication problem is that we all have the impulse to control others, which shows that we hope that the other party will act according to our way of thinking, or accept our ideas and opinions, or admit our evaluation of them. In a word, we are right and others are wrong. Once we can't do this, we will have strong emotions, or be angry or disappointed or sad.

All our opinions and emotions about the truth are based on the assumption that I am right and you are wrong. Therefore, we confidently express our views and argue endlessly.

Talking about mistakes is the same as talking about the truth. None of us want to admit that we are wrong, and we don't want to take responsibility for our mistakes. We will blame each other and spare no effort to excuse ourselves.

So we just try our best to persuade others to accept our point of view, and our point of view is a kind of wanton accusation against each other, which is unfair and will only arouse their defensive psychology, so they also go all out to talk about it, trying to persuade us to accept their point of view, and even have a fierce confrontation. So, we all talked there, and it was the other party who said the wrong thing, and we were not wrong. Inevitably, the conversation was deadlocked and it was difficult to make any progress. It is for this reason that many conversations are called difficult conversations.

These difficult conversations are typical of being blocked. No matter how blocked they are and how hard they try, they can't get through. Both sides are trying to convey the message that we are right and the other side is wrong.

But this view is unconvincing, so it is deadlocked. If we change the dialogue from blaming to explaining our views on facts, express our emotions sincerely, and invite the other side to join us, find out the differences between the two sides and help solve the problem, then such a dialogue is a dialogue of sharing and learning.

In this conversation, our views were well listened to, our true feelings were released, our self-awareness was restored, and we also got to know each other better.

Soon after we finish these things, we may be surprised to find that the dialogue we resist is no longer difficult. The enemy who fought to the death has disappeared, replaced by a friend who is willing to open his heart to your point of view. It is reasonable to say that the best way to destroy the enemy is to turn him into a friend.