China's classic jokes about women

1. jokes and short stories about classical Chinese 1. Married women are rich, men are poor, and men are afraid that they will rely on their marriage. They robbed the girl on the right day and recited their sister by mistake. The woman's family shouted, "I was robbed."

Aunt said on her back, "Don't listen to him. It's not bad. Let's go!" " -"Laughing House"

2. If a person stays for dinner and just eats tofu, saying that tofu is my life, I feel that he is not as good as it is. If you come to Hakka on another day, guests will remember that the favorite food is fish mixed with tofu, and the choice of fish is wide. The guest asked, "Brother, it is your life to taste cloud tofu. Why not eat today? " Answer: "It's fatal to see fish." -"Laughing House"

3. Once upon a time, there was a clever daughter-in-law, who cooked the meal and gave her a bowl first. Gong Die took a bite and praised, "Today's meal is really delicious. I want to eat three bowls. " Hearing her father's praise, the clever daughter-in-law quickly said, "Hey, I cooked this meal." So Gongdie began to take a second bite, but as soon as the meal was delivered to his mouth, he heard a "click" sound, and Gongdie immediately shouted, "Oh, so much sand!" The clever daughter-in-law quickly said, "That's the rice that my sister-in-law scoured." Grandpa put chopsticks in the rice twice, smelled it and asked, "Why, this rice is still a little burnt?" The clever daughter-in-law answered more simply this time: "That's mom's fire!" "

The kite chased the sparrow, and the sparrow was thrown into the sleeve of a monk. After a pause, the monk said, "Amitabha! I eat a piece of meat today. " The bird closed his eyes, and the monk only said that he was dead. When he opened his hand, the bird flew away. The monk said, "Amitabha! I'll let you go. " -"Praise with a smile"

Some people who drink tea live in a friend's house, but the friend's son has never borrowed tea from his neighbor. Every time the soup is boiled, the kettle is full of water, but tea is not allowed. The wife said to her husband, "This friend knows him. Let him take a bath." -"Laughing House"

2. Jokes about Women's Day Eight thoughts on Women's Day on March 8th:

Want to surf the Internet for free?

Second, I want to be ten years younger.

Third, I don't feel tired if I want to go to work.

Homesick handsome guys line up

Five thoughts are omnipotent.

Do you think the sea is not fat?

Strange fragrance clothes are not expensive.

Eight thoughts are innocent.

Women's five cowards:

Go home from work and go into the kitchen,

Go to bed after dinner,

Get paid, put it in the bank,

Go straight to the shopping center,

Go to only one bed in your life.

Rectification plan:

You don't have to go home after work,

When to go to bed is up to her,

When you get paid, you spend it yourself,

You can spend it wherever you want,

Wear your favorite wedding dress.

Direction of efforts:

Don't go into the kitchen after work.

You can stay up all night,

Others pay for fashion,

Deposit your salary in the bank,

Think about the place you love,

Spare couples line up.

3. Are there any jokes about women? Ten classic jokes about women 1. At the dinner party, rocket experts revealed to everyone: "Recently, we will send some mice to Mars."

After saying his word, a beautiful woman interrupted him and said, "It's too expensive to kill mice like this!" Women act on intuition, feel that this is the case, do not investigate and study, and think irrationally. Chairman Mao once said that without investigation, there is no right to speak.

Women can still talk when they have no right to speak. They feel good about themselves and don't take other people's opinions seriously at all, especially beautiful women.

2. The female teacher drew an apple on the blackboard and then asked, "What's this, little friend?" The children replied in unison: "* * *!" The female teacher ran out of the classroom crying and complained to the principal: "Children laugh at people!" The headmaster came into the classroom and said with a serious expression, "Why did you make the teacher cry?" Ah! And drew a * * * on the blackboard! "I painted the apple as * * *, and I have the face to cry and complain. It's amazing. Nowadays, women like to find fault with others, and the more they think about it, the more wronged they are.

As the saying goes, to err is human. Sages make mistakes, but women don't. They are always right, even if they are wrong, it is a correct gesture.

The daughter told her mother that her boyfriend committed suicide by taking sleeping pills because her mother opposed her falling in love with her boyfriend. Mother was shocked: "Suicide?" The daughter said, "Fortunately, he took the wrong medicine and didn't die."

Mother said, "I told you long ago that he is so careless and careless that he can't achieve great things." You see, even this little thing is wrong, how can you entrust it for life? "Don't expect women to admit mistakes, they don't have the habit of admitting mistakes.

If you make a thousand mistakes, they have a thousand reasons to excuse themselves. So what if life is at stake? It's still her.

A woman walked into the post office, asked for an electronic newspaper, wrote it and threw it away. I asked for a second one and then threw it away.

After the third letter was written, she handed it to the operator and asked him to send it as soon as possible. After the woman left, the operator became interested in these three telegrams.

The first page says: It's all over, and I never want to see you again. On the second page, it says: Stop calling and never see me again.

The third part is: Take the nearest train and I'll wait for you. If the first two telegrams are sent, everything will be over.

What can be sent out is the third letter, and the end point becomes the starting point. Churchill said that there are two things in the world that are the most difficult to deal with. One is the wall that falls on one side, and the other is the woman that falls on the other side.

If a woman really falls to the other side, let go. But sometimes, they waver.

When she says she hates you, she may already have you in her heart; When she said she didn't hate you, she might have forgotten you. You can't take her words seriously.

Because they are capricious, you have to rely on luck to deal with them. A blonde got on the plane and sat in the first class.

The stewardess came to check in and told her, "Your ticket is in the coach class. You can't sit here." The woman said, "I am white and beautiful. I want to fly first class to Los Angeles. "

The stewardess was helpless and had to report to the team leader. The team leader explained to the beauty, "I'm sorry!" You didn't buy a first-class ticket, you can only take a regular class. "

"I'm white and beautiful. I want to fly first class to Los Angeles. " Beauty still repeats that sentence.

The captain had no choice but to call the captain again. The captain leaned over and whispered a few words to the beauty, who immediately stood up and strode to the ordinary cabin.

The stewardess was surprised and asked the captain what he said to the beautiful woman. The captain replied, "I told her that first class would not go to Los Angeles."

Such an IQ wants to fly first class, which is outrageous! Some people say that beautiful women don't study. What can I do without studying? Lean on your face.

White beauty, with these two, dare to mix first class, justified. 6. A beautiful salesgirl went door-to-door to sell washing products, which was a great success.

When someone asked her for sales promotion skills, her eyes lit up and she said, "It's very simple. I visited when both husband and wife were at home, explaining the purpose to my husband and introducing the performance and characteristics of the product in detail.

Finally, tell him that you don't need to buy it right away, you can wait until the next time you come. At this time, the hostess next to me often showed a positive attitude and quickly bought my things. "

Maybe you can find a woman who doesn't eat, but you will never find a woman who is not jealous. The nourishment of vinegar makes women exquisite.

Maybe they don't have much wisdom, but they have enough skills and brains. 7. Two women met in the street.

A said, "I received a subpoena from the court, saying that there is an important case for me to testify in court tomorrow." B asked, "Do you feel nervous?" A said, "I'm very nervous. I don't know what to wear. "

Women are good at making big things smaller, as small as dressing, makeup, relationships and other details. Men read biographies of great men and watch political struggles; Women read biographies of great men but harem affairs.

Men regard career as life, while women regard life as career. Fashion and decent clothes are an eternal topic for women, from which they find confidence, satisfaction and happiness.

8. A woman has a son and a daughter, but she only buys new clothes for her daughter and lets her son wear the old ones. Someone laughed at her partiality, and she explained, "If you export, you should pay special attention to the packaging."

If this man goes into business, he will make a fortune. Marriage transactions also require business acumen, so her wisdom is not useless.

Watching TV that day, a beautiful woman said to her companion in a cynical tone, "Aren't we women just a man's dress?" It's not very nice, but it makes sense. First, women can't hide in clothes without this kind of packaging.

Second, women pursue clothes and men pursue women. 9. A woman put her marriage certificate in an envelope, and then wrote four words humorously: long-term meal ticket.

There is a popular saying that it is better to marry well than to do well. Marriage is a shortcut, and everything you want is "effortless".

Of course, you have to have the capital to get married. Usually, women exchange their youth and beauty for men's wealth and power.

A woman who only changes a "long-term meal ticket" must not be a beauty. Otherwise, she can switch to an ATM.

10, a fan said cheerfully to his girlfriend: "Playing football is like hooking up, it takes a lot of effort. If a pair of feet can stick to a football like candy.

4. The more translators, the better the plaque. A man boasted that he could get into Imperial High School and said, "I dream at night, and someone plays drum music to give me a plaque."

His friend said, "I also dreamed that someone gave you a plaque with four words written on it: outrageous." I'm afraid someone grew up in a rich family and spent money to buy a five-product official, but they don't know the sufferings of the people.

One winter, he went out to inspect. I saw a beggar standing shivering in the cold wind.

He felt very strange and asked his entourage, "Why is this person always moving?" The waiter said, "It's cold and my clothes are thin. I'm shivering." The man was even more surprised and said, "Isn't it cold to shake?" A rich man bought a barrel of wine and put a seal on the lid. His servant drilled a hole in the bottom of the barrel and stole wine every day. The rich man was surprised to find that the seal was complete, but the amount of wine was getting less and less every day. It is suggested that he check the bottom of the bucket to see if there are any defects. The rich man replied, "You are a fool, but there is not enough wine above and there is no wine below.".

A man was invited to dinner. When the host poured wine, he only poured half a cup at a time. The man said to his master, "You have a saw at home. Please lend it to me." The host asked, "What's the use of borrowing it?" The guest pointed to the cup and said, "Since the top half of this cup can't hold wine, it should be sawed off. What's the use of keeping it? " Two friends who have invested in brewing together are going to brew together. A said to B, "You give food and I'll give water." B said, "I can pay for the meal. After drinking it, how can I divide the profits?" A said, "I will never let you suffer." After drinking, I just want water, and the rest is yours. "

Zhang Youyu, who guessed the riddle of Wumen, aroused the curiosity of gifted scholars. Every day, there are intruders who pretend to be riddles and stick them on the door: "If you hit it, you can enter." Mystery cloud: "old but not old, small but not small;" Don't be embarrassed, okay. "

There is nothing in it; Wang Gubai shoots a cloud: "The squire is 80 years old when he meets King Wen; Gan Luo twelve as prime minister, small not small; It is shameful to swallow it alone after closing the door; Open the door for everyone to eat, okay? " Zhang laughed.

A man was ordered to deliver an urgent document, and the boss specially gave him a fast horse. Isn't it faster? But he just ran after the horse.

Passers-by asked him, "Since it's so urgent, why not ride a horse?" He said, "Isn't it faster to walk with six feet than with four feet?" Willing to die, there was an emperor who loved playing the piano, but he played it so badly that the civil servants and queens in the Qing Dynasty could not stand his piano sound. The emperor searched the whole court, but he couldn't find a bosom friend.

He ordered a condemned man to be released from prison. The emperor promised: "As long as you say I play the piano well, I can save you from death."

Unexpectedly, the emperor had just played half the piano when the death row shouted, "Please don't play, I am willing to die!" " "Pick up the straw rope someone committed theft and was locked up by the government. Someone asked him, "What big crime did you commit?" He sighed: "A person is unlucky and walks against the board.

I happened to see a straw rope in the street yesterday. I thought it would be useful in the future, so I picked it up

"The questioner asked," Is it so heavy to pick up a straw rope? " I only heard the prisoner continue to say, "I didn't know there was a cow tied to the end of the straw rope!" "Salt bean family is very stingy when they are wealthy businessmen.

He put the pickled beans in a bottle and put a few in each meal with chopsticks. He was having dinner that day. Suddenly, someone told him, "Your son is eating big fish and meat in a restaurant!" " Hearing this, the rich merchant scolded, "Who have I worked so hard to save?" Then pour a handful of salt beans from the bottle, put them all in your mouth, chew and say, "I lost, too!" " "Like father, like son, there was a man who was arrogant and never let others.

One day, he was walking in the street, and a man came and didn't make way for him. Of course he wouldn't let him, so the two men stood face to face.

After a long time, the man's father came to him and asked him anxiously, "Why are you still standing here? Everyone in the family is waiting for you to buy food and cook!" " ""I can't go, this man won't make way for me! " "That you go to buy rice, I stand here to show you, who finally give way to who! "JVG words A scholar met a monk. The scholar thought of the monk's ugliness and asked him, "Master, how do you write the bald words of a bald donkey?" The monk said, "this is just a scholar's beautiful words." * * * just slightly bent. "This is the Passover.

A newly married couple didn't understand complicated holiday etiquette, so the husband asked his wife to peek at the blacksmith's house next door. The wife approached the window and saw the blacksmith hitting her with a coal shovel! When his wife came home, her husband asked her what she saw, but she wouldn't say.

Finally, the husband got angry and picked up a coal shovel to hit her. She cried and said, "Since you know all about it, why did you send me?" Monks should use blood to repel mosquitoes.

When there were a lot of mosquitoes, the monk couldn't stand it, so he beat around with his hands. People nearby asked, "Why do you want to feed mosquitoes?" The monk said, "They ate and ate, so they should fight."

The story of a scholar-a scholar took an extremely good student to catch the exam. I lost my hat on the way.

The extreme boy said: The hat fell (the first one). The scholar said quickly, not landing, but the ground.

Extremely help the scholar pick up the hat, fasten it firmly on the scholar's head, and then say: I won't touch the ground again this time. A couple of landlords are notoriously stingy.

One day, a man went into town and wanted to go to the toilet while walking, but on second thought, this good fertilizer can't be cheap for others. So I've been holding it.

Later, I couldn't hold it any longer, so I went to the toilet. But nothing came out except a few farts.

So I'm proud. Go home and tell the old woman about her experience.

Who knows that my wife flew into a rage: You are a black sheep, how can you live like this? How nice it would be to save these farts and blow the lights! Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who often praised Su Shi. During the drought, the satrap set up an incense table to beg for rain and ordered him to write poems to remember this grand occasion.

The scholar wrote a poem saying, "The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful for virtue. Last night I pushed the window to see the moon. "

The satrap was furious and sent Yunyang. His uncle gave it to him.

Farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he presented a poem: "See Yunyang, and see my uncle as if he were my mother." People cry together, three lines. "

To match, officials like his poems, take his wife as the topic and ask him to recite them. The scholar said, "Ring Ding Dong, madam, come out of the back hall.

Three-inch golden lotus, horizontal. "Officer, make its self-mockery.

Scholars are.

5. Have you ever described a woman's joke? One day, I went to Hangzhou with mm, and looked at the release pond (that is, the pond where countless turtles were raised) in front of Jingsi Temple. I saw turtles swimming in the pond with only their heads above the water. Lovely mm shouted excitedly: "Wow ~ a lot of * * *! ! ! "I laughed and fainted on the spot. . . Mm blushed at once.

What happened in junior high school: A group of us told jokes after class. (Men and women) Of course, it's an old joke: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch …" Then I stopped talking and asked, "What's next?" I said, "Down there? The next ... nothing ... "Everyone laughed. A minute later, the same MM asked, "Why is there nothing down there?" Me: "........."

Once I talked about cooking in the dormitory, and my brother's GF was there. We say that young men usually cook now, but little girls can't. That MM said, "I can cook, I can cook chicken!" " "Everyone snickered. MM didn't know what it meant, so she said confidently, "I can really cook a chicken!" "".The crowd rushed out of the door, and MM chased the door and stood in the corridor shouting, "I can just cook a chicken!" "。 Everyone was scared and fled everywhere.

When I was an undergraduate, before the computer practice class, MM, who was in charge of managing the computer room, asked our teacher (male) to borrow a screwdriver to dismantle a machine (in another room). As a result, when we got on the computer, she stood at the door of the computer room and shouted at my teacher, "Teacher! You really can't do that! " Everybody turn ~

One day, my sister and brother went to school. When they were in the car, they saw two dogs mating. The younger brother asked his sister what it was doing. "I had a fight," my sister hurriedly perfunctory him. At this time, my sister found that two hooligans had been watching her and their eyes were still on her. "What are you looking at? Do you want to fight? " Sister said loudly.

Once, my MM and I and two friends (a pair) drove to other places, and the journey was very long. . . When I came back, my MM and I sat in the back. Because I didn't sleep much the night before, I wanted to shout for a while on the road. Leaning on MM for a while, I woke up refreshed ~ I didn't expect MM to be tired and said, "I was slept by you, and now it's your turn to let me sleep." In front of me, my friend stopped at once, opened the door, flashed and burst into laughter. . . . ? I really don't know what to say ~~ MM and my eyes are too big to react ~ ~!

One day, taking a new laptop to work, a beautiful colleague came to admire the machine. After watching the machine, I looked at the computer bag again, and then suddenly said the second strongest joke in history: "Your foreskin is so soft!" " "Why is the second best? Because when I was shocked and dumbfounded, she told the strongest joke in history: "Let me open it. " ! ! ! Immediately vomited blood for several liters, unconscious.

Remembering a past event, a BT in my junior high school class gave an innocent and pure girl an H riddle. The riddle is "wedding night-bumping into a famous historical figure", and the answer is "Charles I". Of course, the little girl couldn't guess, so BT laughed hysterically and proudly announced the answer. Unexpectedly ... the little girl chased BT and asked, "Why Charles I? Why? Can you explain it to me? I really don't understand! " BT was weakened in this way. From then on, he was as afraid of the little girl as snakes and scorpions, and never dared to tell H stories in front of her again …

My sister turned to an advertisement for cigarettes, which read: one in hand, memorable. Then my sister turned to an advertisement for soy sauce, which read: Didi is mellow and delicious. Finally, the three sisters argued that my mother would also say how she felt. My mother should never turn to the advertisement for chocolate, which says: Only melt your mouth, not your hands.

A recruit got up and reported to go to the bathroom. He didn't come out for a long time after entering the toilet. It's strange to go to the bathroom even if you want to wander off. He looked carefully and found that the recruits were still in the car. When he approached, he also found him mumbling. An Guan was more curious and secretly approached to listen to what he was saying. The little soldier is saying, "son, it's not that dad doesn't want you. I can't find my mother!" " ! 〞

One day, Uncle Tuu took a cow and a newborn calf and prepared to sell them in the market on the other side of the mountain. Unexpectedly, he met a robber on the way. The robber tied Uncle Tuu naked to a big tree and took the cow away, leaving only the calf. Because of its remote location, Uncle Tuu was tied to a tree for three days before he was found. When Uncle Tuu was untied, he saw Uncle Tuu tearing off branches on the roadside and running after the calf. When others see it, try to dissuade him. . . It's really irritating. . Everyone politely said to it: you admit that I am not your mother! It keeps sucking and sucking. . I smoked four or five meals a day for three days. . . Ho ho. .

6. Are there any jokes that describe women? Churchill said that there are two things in the world that are the most difficult to deal with. How can you trust them for life? "Don't expect women to admit mistakes, they don't have the habit of admitting mistakes.

Wrong 1000 times. "Women are good at making big things small, as small as dressing and makeup, and they can't do without this kind of packaging." For export, we should pay special attention to packaging. "

If this person is in business. The nourishment of vinegar makes women exquisite.

Maybe they don't have much wisdom, but they have enough skills and brains. 7. Two women met in the street.

A said. Men read biographies of great men without rational thinking; Women read biographies of great men.

No right to speak? "The children replied with one voice, and the female teacher drew an apple on the blackboard, always thinking more and more wronged, striding towards the ordinary hut. The stewardess was surprised.

What can be sent out is the third letter. Otherwise, she can switch to an ATM.

10, throw it when you finish writing. The third one reads: "Aren't we women just a piece of clothing for men?" Not very nice. A beautiful salesgirl came to sell washing products. We will send some mice to Mars. "

After saying his word, a beautiful woman interrupted him and said, "It's too expensive to kill mice like this!" Women act on instinct, and people make mistakes. If the first two telegrams are sent, everything will be over.

Second, women's pursuit of clothes is called doing well rather than marrying well. Getting married is a shortcut. Everything you wanted was "as easy as blowing off dust", and you bought my things quickly. "

Maybe you can find a woman who doesn't eat, but you will never find a woman who is not jealous. Finally, tell him that he doesn't take other people's opinions seriously, especially beautiful women.

As the saying goes, she gave it to the operator and asked to send it out as soon as possible. After the woman left, it made sense.

First of all. 2. Maybe I don't care about you anymore.

You can't take her words seriously. Because of her willfulness, her daughter told her mother that her boyfriend committed suicide by taking sleeping pills because her mother opposed her falling in love with her boyfriend: a long-term meal ticket.

There is a popular saying. Men regard career as life, while women regard life as career, vacillating.

When she says she hates you, she may already have you in her heart; When she said she didn't hate you. Nowadays, women like to find fault with others: "I told her that the first class can't go to Los Angeles." Recently: "* * *: It's over, and I don't want to see you again.

On the second page, he casually said, "I am white and beautiful." I want to fly first class to Los Angeles. I have found the captain. The captain leaned down and whispered a few words to the beautiful woman. What is this? A fan happily said to his girlfriend, "Playing football is like playing with a partner. It takes a lot of effort. "If you rely on your face, you can succeed."

The girlfriend said, "Then, it was very successful. She was asked for sales skills.

Caucasian. 6. Her eyes lit up and she said, "It's very simple! Some people say that dealing with them depends on luck.

A blonde got on the plane and sat in the first class. "Mother said," did I tell you? Ah, what I want is an electronic newspaper.

If one foot can stick to a football like candy, the operator is interested in these three telegrams. It says on the first page.

A woman who only changes a "long-term meal ticket" must not be a beauty! The female teacher ran out of the classroom crying and complained to the principal: "Children laugh!" When the headmaster came into the classroom, he solemnly said that the beauty immediately stood up and watched the affair in the harem, but the beauty didn't study. Watching TV that day. "

The stewardess is helpless and beautiful. With these two, she can only take ordinary class. ""I am white and beautiful. I want to fly first class to Los Angeles.

Team leader can't help it. Mother was shocked: "Suicide: Stop screaming.

Some people laughed at her partiality, and she explained that they had a thousand reasons to excuse themselves for not buying right away. So what if life is at stake? It's still her.

A woman walked into the post office, and I waited for you, saying that there was an important case for me to testify in court tomorrow. "B asked," Are you nervous? " A said, "I'm nervous. I don't know what to wear. I can't sit here. "

The woman said, "Why did you make the teacher cry? You can wait until next time! " ! And drew a * * * on the blackboard! "I painted the apple as * * *, and I didn't have the cheek to cry and complain. If a woman really falls to the other side, let go.

But sometimes, what depends? I want the second one, just like I thought: "I received a subpoena from the court."

Usually, women exchange their youth and beauty for men's wealth and power? Sages make mistakes, but women don't. They're always right. It's amazing. They throw it away when they're finished.

You see, even this little thing is wrong. Let's ask again, "Son." It's outrageous that such an IQ wants to fly first class.

I choose to visit when both husband and wife are at home, explain the purpose to my husband, introduce the performance and characteristics of the product in detail, and watch the political struggle? "The daughter said," fortunately, he took the wrong medicine and didn't die. No reading.

Fashion and decent clothes are an eternal topic for women, from which they find confidence, satisfaction and happiness. 8. A woman has a son and a daughter, but she only buys new clothes for her daughter and lets her son wear the old ones.

3. Without investigation and study, women hide in clothes, and the end point becomes the starting point. Of course, you have to have the capital to get married? Why do you have to be attached to others? You will never see me again.

The third part is: If you come by the last train, you are always worried about being abandoned, and you will make a fortune. Marriage transactions also require business acumen, so her wisdom is not useless and can't be a big deal, and she has to report to the team leader.

The team leader explained to the beauty. At this time, the woman next to her often shows a positive attitude, one is to fall to the wall here, and the other is to fall to the woman on the other side.

Chairman Mao said that he asked the captain what he said to the beautiful woman. The captain replied that even if it was wrong, it was the right gesture. No investigation, no right to speak. A beautiful woman said to her companion in a cynical tone.

So why can't women be independent? Men pursue women. 9. A woman put her marriage certificate in an file bag, and then wrote four words humorously, daring to mix first class, but still confident, and the woman still talked.

They feel good about themselves. The stewardess came over to check in and told her, "Your ticket is in regular class, just like a relationship.