Can you send me some workplace humor?

1, "You must give me a raise!" A man said to his boss, "There are three companies looking for me now."

"Really?" The boss asked him, "Which three companies are looking for you?"

"Power companies, telephone companies and gas companies."

A friend of mine is walking in the park. Suddenly, a man appeared in front of him and said, "Sir, have pity on me and give me some money. I lost my job. . . Now there is no job, no money, and there are old people, wives and children at home. I have nothing on me except. . . Except for .... . This gun. "

The foreigner said, "You China people are still human!"

China people said, "What do you mean?"

The foreigner said, "For example, when we crash on the road, we usually call the police to solve it, but you say hello to the other mother first."

4. Customer: Oh, dear! How about two fried eggs 100! Are eggs rare here?

Attendant: No, sir! What is rare here is not eggs, but customers!

5. Don't worry. The captain said to a nervous passenger. I have been sailing on this river for many years and I know every reef like the back of my hand.

At this time, the ship hit a reef.

The captain said loudly, "look, here is a piece!"

6. After dinner, the waiter came over and asked, "Do you need some snacks?"

"No, I'm full."

"Thank you, I can do it."

"I can't eat any more."

Waiter: "Today's snacks are free."

"Oh, then give me a piece of cake."

"I want chocolate, thank you."

"May I have a double room?"

1, three gold people

Once a small country came to China to pay tribute to three identical gold people. The splendor of the golden wall made the emperor very happy. However, this small country is not kind, and at the same time a question arises: who is the most valuable of these three gold people? The emperor thought of many ways to ask the jeweler to check, weigh and watch the work, all of which were exactly the same. What shall we do? The messenger is still waiting for a return. A vast country, you don't even understand this little thing? Finally, an old minister who abdicated said that he had an idea. The emperor invited the emissary to the main hall, and the old minister confidently took three straws and inserted them into the ear of the first gold man. The straw came out of the other ear. The straw of the second gold man fell out directly from his mouth, and the straw of the third gold man fell into his stomach without any noise. The old minister said: the third gold man is the most valuable! The messenger was silent and the answer was correct.

This story tells us that the most valuable person is not necessarily the most talkative person. God gave us two ears and one mouth, which was supposed to make us listen more and talk less. Being good at listening is the most basic quality of a mature person.

2. Jews in prison

Three people are going to be put in prison for three years, and the warden gives each of them a request.

Americans love to smoke cigars and asked for three boxes of cigars. The French are the most romantic and want to be accompanied by beautiful women. The Jew said he wanted a telephone to communicate with the outside world. Three years later, the first person who rushed out was an American, with a cigar in his mouth and shouting, "Give me a fire, give me a fire!" " "It turned out that he forgot to make a fire.

Then the French came. I saw a child in his hand, a beautiful woman holding a child in her hand and a third one in her belly. Finally, the Jews came out. He held the warden's hand tightly and said, "I have been in contact with the outside world every day for three years." My business has not stopped, but has increased by 200%. To express my gratitude, I send you an old Schleswig! "

This story tells us that what kind of choice determines what kind of life. Today's life is determined by our choices three years ago, and today's choices will determine our life three years later. We should choose to get in touch with the latest information and understand the latest trends, so as to create our own future better.

3. Maitreya and Wei Tuo.

Anyone who has been to the temple knows that as soon as he enters the temple gate, the first one is Amitabha, welcoming guests with a smiling face, and in the north of him, it is Darkmouth's black-faced Wei Tuo. But according to legend, a long time ago, they were not in the same temple, but in charge of different temples. Buddha Miller is enthusiastic and happy, so many people come, but he doesn't care about anything, and his accounts are improperly managed, so he still can't make ends meet. Although Wei Tuo was a cook in charge of accounts, he was unhappy all day, which was too serious. He made fewer and fewer friends and finally died. Buddha found this problem when he was looking for incense, so he put them in the same temple. Maitreya was in charge of public relations and greeted all the guests with smiles, so the incense was flourishing. And Wei Tuo is impartial, he will be better than others, so let him be in charge of finance and strictly control it. In the division of labor and cooperation between the two people, the temple flourished.

In fact, in the eyes of the master of employing people, people without waste, like martial arts masters, can hurt people by picking flowers and flying leaves without expensive swords. The key is how to use them.

Step 4 buy a parrot

A man went to buy a parrot and saw a sign in front of it: This parrot can speak two languages, 200 yuan. In front of another parrot, it was written: This parrot can speak four languages, and the price is 400 yuan. Which one should I buy? Both are shiny, very flexible and lovely. The man turned and couldn't make up his mind. Suddenly I found a parrot with a tooth missing. Its coat color is dim and messy, and its price is 800 yuan. The man quickly called the boss: Can this parrot speak eight languages? The shopkeeper said, no, this person is very strange: then why is it so old, so ugly and so incompetent that it is worth this number? The shopkeeper replied: because the other two parrots call this parrot boss.

This story tells us that a real leader is not necessarily strong in his own ability. As long as he knows how to trust, how to delegate and how to cherish, he can unite forces stronger than himself and thus enhance his value. On the contrary, many people with very strong abilities are too perfectionist and hands-on, and no one can match them. In the end, I can only be the best researcher and sales representative, but I can't be an excellent leader.

5. Meet the boss

A, a white-collar worker in a joint venture company, feels that his ambition has not been appreciated by his superiors. He often thinks: If only one day he could meet his boss and have a chance to show his talents! ! A's colleague B has the same idea. He went one step further and asked the boss when he got to and from work and figured out when he got into the elevator. He also took the elevator at this time, hoping to meet his boss and say hello. Their colleague c went further. He learned about the boss's struggle in detail, made clear the school where the boss graduated, his interpersonal style and his concerns, carefully designed a few simple but weighty opening remarks, took the elevator at the calculated time, greeted the boss several times, and finally had a long talk with him one day, and soon won a better position.

Fools miss opportunities, wise men seize opportunities, and winners create opportunities. Opportunities are only given to those who are prepared, and the word "preparation" is not just talk.

6. The doctor went to the toilet

A doctor was assigned to a research institute and became the person with the highest academic qualifications. One day, he went fishing in the small pond behind his unit. It happened that the director and deputy director were around him and were fishing. He just nodded slightly. What are these two undergraduates talking about? After a while, the director put down the fishing rod, stretched himself and walked briskly across the water to go to the toilet. The doctor's eyes are about to fall off. Floating on the water? Really? This is a pond. When the director came back from the toilet, he also floated back from the water.

What's going on here? Doctoral students are not easy to ask, they are doctoral students!

After a while, the deputy director also stood up, took a few steps and floated across the water to go to the toilet. Now the doctor almost fainted: no way, go to a place where Jianghu experts are concentrated? Doctoral students are also very anxious. There are walls on both sides of this pond. It takes more than ten minutes to go to the toilet opposite, and it's too far to go back to work. What should I do?

Doctoral students don't want to ask the two directors. After holding back for a long time, they got up and stepped into the water: I don't believe undergraduates can pass, but my doctoral students can't. The doctor fell into the water with a bang. Two directors pulled him out and asked him why he had to go into the water. He asked, "Why did you walk there?" The two directors smiled at each other: "There are two rows of stakes in this pond. Because it rained these two days, the water just rose below the surface. We all know the location of the stake, so we can step on it. Why don't you ask? "

Education represents the past, and only learning ability can represent the future. People who respect experience can take fewer detours. A good team should be a learning team.

7. Job hopping

A said to B, "I want to leave this company. I hate this company! "

B suggestion: "I raise my hands in favor of your revenge!" " ! This broken company must give it some color to see see. But now is not the best time for you to leave. "

Ah q:?

B said, "If you leave now, the company will not lose much. You should take advantage of the opportunity in the company, try your best to attract some customers for yourself, become a unique figure in the company, and then suddenly leave the company with these customers, and the company will suffer heavy losses and be very passive. "

A thinks what B said is very reasonable. So he worked hard and got what he wanted. After more than half a year's efforts, he has many loyal customers.

When we meet again, B asks A: It's time to jump, so hurry up!

A smiled indifferently: the boss talked to me for a long time and was going to promote me to be the assistant to the general manager. I have no plans to leave for the time being.

In fact, this is also the original intention of B. A person's job is always just for his resume. Only by paying more than you get, and letting the boss really see that your ability is greater than your position, will you be given more opportunities and create more profits for him.

8. Dad, turn.

Father and son live in the mountains, and they have to drive ox carts down the mountain to sell firewood every day. The old father is more experienced, driving in the town, the mountain road is rugged and curved, and the son has a good eye. He always reminds him when he wants to turn: "Dad, turn!" Once my father didn't go down the mountain because of illness, and my son drove alone. At the corner, the cow refused to turn, so the son tried every means to get out of the car and push and pull, lured by grass, and the cow did not move. What the hell is going on? My son is puzzled. In the end, there is only one way. He looked around to see that no one was there. He leaned close to the cow's ear and shouted, "Dad, turn!" " "

The cow responded and moved.

Cows live by conditioned reflex, while people live by habit. A successful person knows how to cultivate good habits instead of bad ones. When more good habits are accumulated, there will naturally be a good life.

9.hank and poncho

Five-year-old Hank went to work in the forest with his father, mother and brother. Suddenly it began to rain, but they only brought a poncho. Dad gave the poncho to mom, mom gave it to my brother, and my brother gave it to Hank. Hank asked, "Why did my father give it to my mother, my mother gave it to my brother and my brother gave it to me?" Dad replied, "Because dad is better than mom, mom is better than brother, and brother is better than you." We all protect the weak. Hank looked around and ran to cover the poncho on a delicate flower swaying in the wind and rain.

This story tells us that the real strong man is not necessarily powerful or rich, but how much he helps others. Responsibility allows us to accomplish things, and love allows us to do things well.

10, porridge

Seven people once lived together and shared a big bucket of porridge every day. Sadly, there is not enough porridge to eat every day. At first, they drew lots to decide who would share the porridge, one serving a day. So every week, they are full only one day, that is, the day of porridge sharing. Later, they began to elect a noble person to share the porridge. Power will lead to corruption, and everyone began to try their best to please and bribe him, making the whole clique filled with smoke. Then everyone began to form a three-person porridge Committee and a four-person selection Committee, attacking each other and wrangling, and the porridge was cold in their mouths.

Finally, I came up with a method: divide the porridge in turn, but the people who divide the porridge have to wait for everyone else to pick up the last bowl left. In order not to eat the least, everyone tries to distribute it equally, even if it is uneven, you can only admit it. Everyone is happy and kind, and life is getting better and better.

The same seven people, different distribution systems, will have different ethos. Therefore, if a unit has bad work habits, it must be a mechanism problem, and it must not be completely fair and open, and there is no strict reward for diligence and punishment for laziness. How to formulate such a system is a problem that every leader needs to consider.

1 1, scholar

A scholar went to Beijing for the third time to catch the exam and stayed in a shop where he often lived. Two days before the exam, he had three dreams. The first dream is that he grows cabbage on the wall. The second dream is that it is raining. He is wearing a hat and an umbrella. The third dream is that he is lying naked with his beloved cousin, but his back is to his back. These three dreams seem to have some profound meanings, so the scholar hurried to find fortune-telling dreams the next day. Hearing this, the fortune teller patted his thigh continuously and said, "You'd better go home. Think about it, isn't it futile to grow vegetables on high walls? Isn't it unnecessary to wear a hat and an umbrella? Isn't it impossible to lie naked in a bed with my cousin, but back to back? "

Hearing this, the scholar was disheartened and went back to the store to pack his bags and prepare to go home. The shopkeeper was surprised and asked, "Isn't there an exam tomorrow? How did you go back to your hometown today? " When the scholar said this, the shopkeeper was happy: "Hey, I can interpret dreams, too. I think you must stay this time. Think about it, isn't it high to grow vegetables on the wall? Doesn't wearing a hat and an umbrella mean that you are prepared this time? Lying naked in bed with your cousin doesn't mean you should turn over? "

Hearing this, the scholar made more sense, so he took the exam happily and got a flower exploration.

Positive people, like the sun, shine wherever they shine, while negative people, like the moon, are different on the fifteenth day of the first month. Ideas determine our lives. What kind of ideas, what kind of future.