Jokes and humorous stories

The Ugly Duckling (1)

Author: Lin Changzhi

As soon as I emerged from the eggshell, the first thing I heard was that my mother was heartbroken My lungs shouted: "Oh God!" At first, I thought that I looked like God, which was why my mother was so surprised. But when I saw my brothers and sisters squatting in the corner and vomiting, I felt that it was not like that. I thought it was as simple as that. Sure enough, when my father saw me, he chased my mother for three streets with an angry look on his face, shouting as he ran: "Tell me! Whose child is this!"

Motherly love is great. , although my mother had clinical reactions such as vomiting, dizziness, and diarrhea when she saw me, she still closed her eyes tightly and took my brothers and sisters and me to the river to swim with tears in her eyes.

But others are not so kind to me. Many people say that I must be the illegitimate child of the Loch Ness Monster, because my parents spent their honeymoon there; some say that God created me. I must have drunk too much; some people said that I must have been kissed by a pig when I was an egg. However, the pigs on the farm expressed strong protest. They said that if they looked like this, they might as well be made into sausages. Woolen cloth. Later, the farmer found me. The moment he saw me, he suffered from a strange disease. His whole body was twitching, foaming at the mouth, and his eyes were dull. He murmured to himself for a long time: "I want to Kill him and feed it to the dogs. I want to kill him and feed it to the dogs.” When the dogs on the farm heard this, they all bit their tongues and committed suicide.

I couldn’t stay on the farm any longer. I decided to run away from home. It hurt my self-esteem too much.

One night, I sneaked out of the farm. I thought that no one was aware of my actions, but the moment I stepped out of the farm, I heard an earth-shattering sound behind me. Cheers. Am I really so unpopular? ! My heart felt so cold. The accumulated grief and indignation in my chest finally reached saturation. I shouted loudly to the sky: "Oh my god! In fact, I am not ugly!" As soon as I finished speaking, the sky suddenly became filled with dark clouds. A bolt of lightning pierced the sky and carved three big words on the ground: "You lied!" Forget it, even the sky despises me, I'd better find a place without human habitation to live in seclusion.

I don’t know how long I walked, but I came to a swamp. It was sparsely populated and probably no one would laugh at me anymore. Finally, a child's cry disappointed me again...

Little Mallard Duck: "Ah! Mom! I discovered the legendary dinosaur!"

Mallard Duck Mother: "Child Ah, don’t talk nonsense, dinosaurs have long been extinct, ah? What is this? Although this creature looks very deformed, after careful observation, I concluded that it should be a duck.”

Little Mallard Duck: "But why is he so ugly?"

Mallard Duck Mother: "This is because he is always picky about food when eating, so he looks like this. My child, if you don't eat green peppers again in the future If so, it will become like this."

Little Wild Duck: "It's so scary, Mom, I won't be picky about food anymore."

Oh my God! I really like eating green peppers, and I’ve never been a picky eater! I wanted to defend myself, but they flew away. Before leaving, the old female mallard murmured to herself: "I don't know if it's contagious because he's so ugly." I completely lost the confidence to live and wanted to find my roots. I wanted to hang myself with a rope, but no rope was willing to let me hang up; I wanted to drink pesticide, but the pesticide was hidden in a bottle and refused to flow into my mouth; I wanted the hunters to kill me, but they stopped when they saw me. Crying and shouting: "Please spare us, if I kill you we will be in trouble for the rest of our lives!"

The Ugly Duckling (2)

Author: Lin Changzhi

But there are still good people in the world. One evening, I was taken in by a lonely old lady. Later I found out that she also had a son. Her son was ringing the bell at Notre Dame de Paris. His name seemed to be Casimo. many.

The old lady was very kind to me, but the fat hen and the big fat cat she raised always discriminated against me. They would blink rapidly in front of me from time to time. At first I thought their eyes were Trouble, I found out later that they were showing off their double eyelids to me! I ignored them, and they asked me:

"Can you lay eggs?"

"Can you catch mice?"

"You can "Crow?"

"Can you meow?"

I am a duck, and a male duck, how can I do this? When they knew I didn't know anything, they said: "It's not your fault that you're ugly, but it's your fault that you come out to scare people. Besides, you don't have any abilities, so how can you survive?"< /p>

I have nothing to say. It is true that I have no abilities, but is it my fault? I have only been to the duck school on the farm three times in the past, but every time I entered the classroom, the teacher announced a holiday. I didn’t want to live an idle life and be discriminated against by them, so I left the old lady’s house and wanted to have plastic surgery. However, as soon as the plastic surgeons saw me, they all changed their profession to butchering pigs. Frustrated, I came to a lake and prepared to commit suicide by jumping into the river, but I was a duck! Although I don’t have any skills, damn, I can actually swim! I had no choice but to go ashore. At this moment, the toad in the lake was drooling, holding bowls and chopsticks and croaking toward the sky. What's going on? I looked up, my God, there was a group of big snow-white birds flying over from the sky. They were shining white, with long and soft necks. They moved like they were dancing ballet. Why? ! Why? ! Why are the same flat-billed animals with feathers so different in appearance? Who are they? By the way, isn't there a saying that a toad wants to eat swan meat? Looking at the salivating toads in this lake, I'm sure they are the legendary swans! I secretly vowed that I would do more good deeds in this life, accumulate some virtue, and be a beautiful swan in the next life.

From the day I saw the swan, I had a firm belief in my heart. In order to be more beautiful in the next life, I gave up my seat to the old man and helped the lost tadpole find its mother. Of course, this Everything is done with a mask on. After I did many good things, everyone started talking about me, praising me, and giving me the nickname Masked Superman. I know that if I don’t wear a mask, I don’t even have the right to do good things.

In the blink of an eye, winter has arrived, and I still wear a mask and look for people in need. When I walked to the river, I heard a person shouting in panic: "It's not good. There are so many children in the river..." I took a closer look, huh? ! A child fell into an ice cave!

"Don't be afraid! I'm coming!" I shouted and jumped into the ice hole. In order to show my ability, I did a sideways backflip 360 degrees in the air. I jumped into the water with a "plop". I didn't expect that the momentum was too strong, and my mask was blown off. As soon as the child in the water saw my appearance, he came out of the water with a "swish" and crawled quickly. I went ashore and ran home in a mess. I was about to climb up, but I didn't expect that the water in the river solidified and froze in an instant because of my appearance. I was frozen in the river like a frozen dumpling.

I don’t know how long it took, but I finally woke up, opened my eyes and saw, ah! Spring is here! ah? A few swans actually greeted me with a smile! No way! A toad swam toward me, drooling! I quickly flapped my wings a few times, my God! I actually flew! Look at the reflection in the water, oh my God! What appeared in the water was the shadow of a swan! Look at your feathers, oh! It's as white as snow! Have I turned into a swan? This is not a dream! I bit my tongue, mother, it hurts! It's not a dream, I really turned into a swan! Could it be that my behavior moved heaven? Anyway, I'm a swan now! I have to quickly print out a few boxes of business cards and send them to everyone!

Since then, my life has undergone earth-shaking changes: many people asked me for autographs, and many asked me to take photos with them. No matter where I went, there were some females crying and shouting to give me autographs. Love letter... Of course, becoming a swan is also a bit troublesome, especially those toads who always want to take advantage of me.

However, I still feel that it is good to be a handsome guy! So here I would like to advise those friends who are not good-looking, as long as you do more good deeds, you will definitely become handsome! I am a living example. When I was an ugly duckling, I never dreamed that I would have so much happiness!

Cramp Test

Author: Lin Changzhi

1. Crazy choice.

1. When the ugly duckling shouted to the sky that I am not ugly, lightning struck ( ).

A. It’s thundering and it’s raining. I need to collect my clothes. B. “You lied!”

C. Apply for certificate 12312345678

2. Those who want to eat swan meat are ( ).

A. Toad B. Ugly duckling C. Big fat cat

3. The ugly duckling finally became ( ).

A. Super Saiyan B. Salted Egg Superman C. White Swan

2. Just read if you are bored.

Heartbreaking, shocking, lonely, salivating

1. Look at the toads in this lake ( ), I am sure they are the legendary swans!

2. One evening, I was taken in by an old lady ( ).

3. As soon as I emerged from the eggshell, the first thing I heard was the cry of my mother ( ).

4. I heard the cheers of ( ) coming from behind.

3. Unreasonable judgment.

1. The Ugly Duckling is the illegitimate son of the Loch Ness Monster, that’s why he is so ugly. ( )

2. After seeing the ugly duckling, the farmer kept saying: "Give me a monkey rubber band to make a slingshot and hit your glass." ( )

3. Later, because the ugly duckling often helped others, everyone called him "Living Lei Feng". ( )

4. The ugly duckling was frozen in the river when he was rescuing a child who fell into the water. ( )

4. Some people say that the ugly duckling is a lucky duck because he is as famous as Donald Duck; some people say that the ugly duckling is unfortunate because his childhood experiences have brought great trauma to his body and mind. Which of the above two statements do you agree with? Why?

5. The ugly duckling’s appearance is never described positively in the article, but it can be felt that his appearance is ugly. Please excerpt the sentences that reflect the ugly duckling’s ugly appearance.

6. Practice it personally.

Everyone should do more good deeds and help others when they have free time (note! Helping children to eat ice cream and taking an old woman to ride a Ferris wheel do not count as helping others).

Little Red Riding Hood (1)

Author: Lin Changzhi

Dangligedang, porridge porphyrin... There are so many bamboo boards, but we can’t do anything else Not to praise, but to praise the smart, invincible and cute mini little Red Hat! This Little Red Riding Hood is not ordinary, she is thin-skinned but big-hearted... (a warning!) Ahem, not a single wrinkle...

The story is divided into two parts. On this day, Little Red Riding Hood drank eighteen bowls of incense in Jingyanggang, then went up the hill with a whistle stick... (Second warning!) Ah ho ho! Ah ho ho ho! As soon as she came to the hill, she met Wu Song. Wu Song said: "Oh! Kitty! You are going the wrong way!" So, Little Red Riding Hood went home to sleep...

The next morning , Little Red Riding Hood opened her eyes and heard her mother's voice.

"Little Red Riding Hood, the sun is shining on your butt, get up quickly!"

"Liar! My butt is under the quilt!"

"Okay. ! Get up! Your grandma came early in the morning and said she was sick and couldn’t walk. She asked you to deliver food to her at noon!”

“Huh? Are you here early? "

"She went fishing."

"God bless my nonsensical grandma... Why do you feel so drunk? Did you drink wine while I was asleep?"

"Damn girl, who drank wine for you? You ate too much wine-filled chocolate last night!"

"That's right! , Mom, can I not wear that red hat today! It’s so unfair, so country!”

“No! The seven of you sisters happen to be red, orange, green, blue, and purple. A hat of a color for each of you so that your dad and I can tell you apart.

"

"Humph! Then why don't you and dad also wear hats so that we can distinguish them better? ”

“Smelly girl, you are looking for death!” Get up quickly, brush your face, wash your teeth, eat, do your homework, practice the piano, repair the tractor..."

After lunch, Little Red Riding Hood carried a basket with the lunch prepared by her mother for her grandma and set out on the road. On the way to her grandma's house, there was a Little Red Riding Hood likes to play in the woods. The little dolphins, little fur men, little dinosaurs, and little monsters in the woods are all her good friends. Every time she brings food to her grandma, she will share the food with these little friends. .

Little Red Riding Hood sang and came to the woods. When the friends heard the singing, they were already waiting for her.

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wow! Wow! Little hairy man, do you miss me? ”

Little Hairy Man: “I thought about it!” ”

Little Red Riding Hood: “Where are you thinking?” "

Little Hairy Man: "Stomach! "

Little monster: "Stop talking nonsense, what delicious food will you bring today!

Little Red Riding Hood: "Hee hee, the little monster is very impatient. I haven't seen you for a few days, and you are a lot weird. Your eyebrows are on your chin!" ”

Little monster: “I’m dizzy!” That's a beard. idiot! "

Little Red Riding Hood (2)

Author: Lin Changzhi

Everyone grabbed the basket and turned it over...

"Oh! "The little monster screamed. "It hurts! Everyone looked quickly and saw that there was a mousetrap in the basket that tightly clamped the little monster's paw. There was a note next to the mousetrap: "Whoever steals it will be unlucky!" " is the word of Little Red Riding Hood's mother.

Friends: "Your mother is so insidious! Fortunately, there is only one mousetrap. Take out the lunch box! "

Little Red Riding Hood took out the lunch boxes. Everyone was dumbfounded when they saw it. The lunch boxes were locked with a combination...

Little Dinosaur: "Your mother is really weirder than a monster. The lunch boxes are all locked with combinations. ”

Little Red Riding Hood: “Sorry, I will definitely bring you lots and lots of delicious food next time.” I still have some food in my pocket, do you want it? "

Little monster: "Huh? Got something to eat? What is it? Bring it, bring it! "

Little Red Riding Hood: "Hey, I'll give you cookie crumbs..."

My friends: "..."

Little Red Riding Hood: "I'm going to give it to grandma." Meals are being delivered! Wait until I come back to play with you! ”

Little monster: “Don’t forget to bring some delicious food from your grandma’s house. ”

Little Red Riding Hood: “Yeah!

Little Hairy Man: "By the way, Little Red Riding Hood, I forgot to tell you something. A large mammal moved into the woods recently. It's very powerful. You have to be careful!" ”

Little Red Riding Hood: “Wow! Large mammals! ? Is it awesome? I really want to see it! What is a mammal? Why should you be careful? ”

Little Hairy Man: “Damn! Mammals are animals that feed on milk! Be careful it eats you! ”

Little Red Riding Hood: “Hahahaha... Little Hairy Man, you are so funny. Since it is a suckling animal, why do you want to eat me?” I'm not a boob! ”

Little Maoren: “I drank milk when I was a child, and then I ate people when I grew up!” ”

Little Red Riding Hood cried: “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...I also drank milk when I was a child...will I eat people when I grow up? Woohoo..."

Little Hairy Man: "Alas! It’s so nerve-wracking. Don't cry! You are a human and he is the big bad wolf. Completely different. Little Red Riding Hood: "Don't lie to me. I'm going to deliver food. Goodbye everyone!" "

At the same time, the big bad wolf that the little hairy man was talking about has been hiding behind the tree and watching Little Red Riding Hood and the others.

The big bad wolf said to himself: "Oh... this What place is it! It's so scary, there are so many weird things! I am a very artistic wolf. I have always been obsessed with the confusion and decadence of Van Gogh's paintings and the passionate shock of Picasso's works... However, I am an ordinary wolf, and I want to eat meat. Look at these objects, whether they are little furry men, little monsters, or little dinosaurs... can they be eaten? It makes me sick when I look at it, and I have no appetite! I moved here and it drove me crazy. At least give me something slightly normal to eat, alas... But today, today, a fair and tender little girl wearing a red hat came! It must be delicious, and judging from her dress, she must be very artistic. After eating it, it will definitely be helpful to my artistic attainments! Ah, throat, throat! She's sure to get it! ”

The Big Bad Wolf followed Little Red Riding Hood out of the woods.

The flowers on the roadside were very beautiful, so Little Red Riding Hood went to pick them. When she bent down to pick the flowers, the Big Bad Wolf looked at the right moment and pounced on them with a very elegant movement...

Little Red Riding Hood suddenly turned around, and the Big Bad Wolf looked back. The gray wolf stood there with his paws open.

Little Red Riding Hood: "..."

Big Bad Wolf: "..."

Little Red Riding Hood suddenly screamed: "Wow! Wow! So big What a cat!"

The back of the big bad wolf's head was dripping with sweat..."Idiot! How dare you call me a cat? Besides, a cat has a face like mine! Does a cat have such an elegant temperament as me?"

Little Red Riding Hood asked curiously: "Auntie, who are you?"

The big bad wolf was furious: "Shit! Auntie? You don’t differentiate between men and women! I’m a big bad wolf!”

Little Red Riding Hood is very excited: “Wow! You are so handsome!” Okay? Okay?"

The sweat on the back of Big Bad Wolf's head continued: "You forgot to take your medicine today! How can anyone ask Big Bad Wolf to be your boyfriend?" p>Little Red Riding Hood (3)

Author: Lin Changzhi

Little Red Riding Hood is very sad: "I am lovelorn again...you don't like me...you are so cruel!"

Big Bad Wolf: "Don't say that. After all, the temperament gap between us is too big. We don't have the same language... Damn, what nonsense! I won't talk to you anymore, watch me eat you!" He said and rushed over again.

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wait a minute, Brother Big Bad Wolf, I know you are playing tricks on me. Since you don't want to be my boyfriend, then I'm going to deliver food to grandma. ...But before I leave, I want you to take a look at my paintings. I hope you can remember me."

Big Bad Wolf: "It's incredible that you can also draw, okay. , show it to me."

Little Red Riding Hood took out a small notebook from the pocket of her coat, opened it and showed it to the Big Bad Wolf: "Look, this is a little bird with two heads; this is a bird with two heads. A cat with an elephant trunk..."

The big bad wolf couldn't bear it, and he vomited all over the floor: "Oh my God! This is called painting! It is a taint to art!" No, I have no appetite at all. I’ll go home quickly, I’m so excited!” The big bad wolf staggered away.

Little Red Riding Hood was very disappointed and continued to walk to her grandmother's house.

The big bad wolf ran, and the more he thought about it, the more unwilling he felt: "No, I'm hungry! It's better to eat this child who doesn't understand art than to eat those hairy monsters. Yes, stomach It's important, go back and eat her... No, she must be far away from the woods now, and there are many people on the road. What should I do? By the way, isn't she going to deliver food to her grandma? Eat her grandma, and then wait for her to come to your door! Haha, I’m such a genius... But where is her grandma’s house?”

Da Hui. Wolf called 114.

"Hey! Where is grandma's house?"

"No. 05 is at your service. Are you sick? I'll give you the phone number of a mental hospital. Please record: 6446 ×××.”

“Damn! You’re sick! You’re disgusting...”

The big bad wolf had no choice but to look for him one by one. At ten o’clock in the evening, he Finally found Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma’s house. In order not to arouse her grandmother's suspicion, he picked a red hat from somewhere and put it on to pretend to be Little Red Riding Hood, and knocked on the door.

The big bad wolf pinched his throat and said: "Grandma, Grandma, I'm here to bring you food."

Grandma was obviously very angry and said: "I thought you I won’t come! I asked you to bring me lunch. I want to starve grandma to death!”

“You can’t blame me! It’s my mother who is too slow...”

Hey? Little Red Riding Hood, I haven’t seen you for a few days, you are looking more and more energetic! Your beard has grown, your face has also grown, and you exude an extraordinary artistic atmosphere..."

Big Bad Wolf: "Ah ha ha ha ha! It's comfortable, so comfortable! Old lady, you have good eyesight! But..." As he said that, he swallowed grandma in one bite!

Grandma: "Oh! Who turned off the light? Huh? Huh? There is still water boiling on the stove! Little Red Riding Hood, stop making trouble."

The Big Bad Wolf snickered , put on grandma's clothes, got into bed, and waited for Little Red Riding Hood to come to the door.

He waited and waited, and waited until the moon was about to wash its feet and go to sleep...Little Red Riding Hood finally came!

Little Red Riding Hood shouted as soon as she entered the door: "Grandma, Grandma! Little Red Riding Hood is here! I'm bringing you food!"

Grandma Wolf: "Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, I miss. You! Why did you come so late?"

Little Red Riding Hood: "It was about to rain, so I was helping the ants move!"

Grandma Wolf: "That's really it. What a good boy, come here and let grandma take a look at you."

Little Red Riding Hood walked to the bed. Suddenly, she shouted: "Wow! Grandma, you are so powerful, what's wrong with your face?" It’s so cool! I want it too, I want it too!”

Grandma Wolf: “Silly boy, grandma’s hair is growing because of you.”

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wow! Grandma, why does your voice become so magnetic? So penetrating? It's like Dao Lang's voice!"

Grandma Wolf: "Tch! How's grandma's voice? Do you look like a native?"

Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, why are your nails so sharp?"

Grandma Wolf? : "I think what you think!"

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wow! Grandma, why is your face so long?"

Little Red Riding Hood (4)

Author: Lin Changzhi

Grandma Wolf: "I thought what you were thinking."

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wow! Grandma, why don't you turn off the fire when the water on the stove is boiling?"

Grandma Wolf: "I think what you want... Ahem, don't worry about it, let me kiss you first..." The big bad wolf wanted to take advantage of the opportunity of kissing Little Red Riding Hood to eat Little Red Riding Hood. "Hey? Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing? What are you touching?"

Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, today I met a very cute big cat in the woods, so I drew him and gave it to Look..."

The Big Bad Wolf took one look and vomited out Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother, then fainted...

Little Red Riding Hood: "Wow, grandma! So fashionable, and you can mutate and clone! Now, I have two grandmas!"

Grandma: "Little Red Riding Hood, look, you are naughty again, don't tell me how to change. And turned off the lights..."

At this time, the friends who were waiting in the woods for Little Red Riding Hood to bring them something to eat from their grandma were so exhausted that they didn't even wait for Little Red Riding Hood to come. They all came to Little Red Riding Hood's house together. Grandma’s house. When they came in, they saw Grandma Wolf lying unconscious on the ground.

After the little monster went up and took off Grandma Wolf's clothes, everyone exclaimed: "Wow! Who is this strong man who killed the biggest bad guy in the woods - the big bad wolf?"

When Little Red Riding Hood saw that it was a big cat in the woods, he was very surprised and asked: "Is he the big mammal that the little hairy man said can eat people - the big bad wolf?"

The little hairy man : "Not bad!"

Little Red Riding Hood was stunned for a long time. Everyone thought she was frightened and asked her: "Hey! Little Red Riding Hood, are you okay!"

It took a long time for Little Red Riding Hood to squeeze out. One sentence made everyone fall to the ground: "Wow! The big bad wolf! It's really gray!"

Little monster: "Hey? The big bad wolf seems to be still breathing!"

Little Hairy Man: "Everyone, hurry up and beat him to death while he can't move!"

Little Red Riding Hood: "No, don't beat him to death. Can we play like this..."

So, everyone listened to Little Red Riding Hood's idea, cut open the big bad wolf's belly, filled it with many stones, and threw him into the woods... From then on, the woods were safe, and Little Red Riding Hood's family and grandma And the friends lived a happy life.

After the big bad wolf woke up, he felt thirsty and went to find water to drink. Unexpectedly, his stomach was dragged to the ground. Only then did he realize that there were so many stones in his stomach...< /p>

Big Bad Wolf: "Why am I always the one who gets hurt? I was injured like this by a bunch of monsters who don't understand art. What a miserable life! Even though I have such a stone in my stomach, I don't even give it a push. I have to take out the zipper... I can only pull it out slowly... there are so many zippers, how long will it take to pull them out?"