The first experience of "family system arrangement" made me establish contact with my parents.

No one's relationship is independent, and there is a system behind it. Family relationship, in particular, is the closest and most important system to us. Once the flow of love is blocked, it will not only affect our emotional and physical and mental health, but even form many intergenerational problems. Only by continuous learning and growth can we overcome these difficulties and live the life we want.

1

In the past 20 17, I took part in many studies, including online courses, such as getting, Fandeng Reading Club, Thousand Chats, Zhihu and so on, as well as offline time management courses, and bought many books to read. Immerse yourself in all kinds of studies every day and cultivate all kinds of good habits. Announcing all kinds of punching cards in the circle of friends is very busy.

After a year, of course, I have gained a lot. But I always feel that something is missing in my heart. I find that I never seem to understand: what is the purpose of learning? So it seems that I have fallen into the pit of "learning for the sake of learning".

On the surface, my state seems to be getting better and better. I can persist in getting up early, exercising, reading and so on. More and more people say that I am self-disciplined, diligent and enterprising. ...

But in fact, in life, when you are with your lover, you often lose your temper for a little thing. Sometimes, regardless of my lover's worry, I choose to rush out of the house and flee to a place far away from home to cry. My mind is full of some particularly dark and negative thoughts. Sometimes I yell hysterically at my lover, and then I will keep silent and cry desperately. A person immersed in negative emotions can't extricate himself. Every time you lose your temper, wait for your lover to coax you. I often complain about my lover, such as complaining that he throws things around, doesn't like sports, doesn't like studying and so on. In the eyes of my lover, I am an out-of-touch person, a person who can't control his emotions, and a person who can't listen to other people's opinions. ...

At work, I still haven't found my own value, advantages and direction, and I have been mediocre and lack enthusiasm. There are also problems in communication with colleagues. For example, on several occasions, I wrangled with leaders in front of other colleagues, refused to do tasks I didn't like, evaded questions with silence, and sometimes shed tears silently, feeling quite wronged. In addition, some leaders and colleagues gave me feedback that I was not confident enough, a little closed and a little nervous. Therefore, it is suggested that I slowly let go of myself, relax and be confident. These problems have never been realized before.

Seeing these patterns in my life and work in the past four years after work, I can't help asking myself, what's wrong with me? What are the reasons behind these phenomena? Where did the excellent self of my student days go? Why is it difficult for me to adapt to society? How can I change it?

2

All methods are created by the mind. Slowly, I gradually realized that I must have psychological problems. So at the beginning of 20 18, I stopped studying "art" and "instruments" last year, and turned to pay attention to the psychological and spiritual growth, and began to explore myself and be aware of myself every day.

In 20 18, the first thing I noticed was my complaining language and emotions. I began to practice the habit of not complaining and reread the world of not complaining. When you think you must change, God will mobilize all resources to help you. At this time, I met a new friend, who recommended me a happy reading club and a happy "no complaints" club.

So I joined the "No Complaints" club and practiced this habit with other friends. At the same time, I pay attention to many other activities organized by the Happy Reading Club every day, among which the workshop "Love and Harmonious Life" attracts my attention, because the sharing guest of this workshop, Teacher Xu Linfen, is a great psychologist: she holds a master's degree in psychology from Zhejiang University, a doctorate in developmental and educational psychology from East China Normal University, and has been a visiting scholar in psychology at Harvard University for one year. Xu teacher is also a tutor in family planning, an internationally certified hypnotherapist, a family therapist in Satya, and a neuro-linguistic programmer. The content of this workshop is about the arrangement of family system. I've only heard this song before. Although I am very interested, I have never had the opportunity to learn and experience. For the above reasons, I signed up without hesitation.

three

On the afternoon of 20 18 65438+ 10, a half-day workshop on love and harmonious life was held. It was Saturday and it was raining lightly. Because it's a little far, it took me more than two hours to get to the meeting place by car. I arrived early, and there were only two or three people at the meeting (that is, Uncle xu teacher and CMC). Xu teacher greeted every little friend with concern.

Everyone came one after another, a * * *, fifteen or sixteen people, and we sat in a circle. After Uncle CMC made a brief opening, the workshop officially started. Xu teacher introduces himself first. Let's introduce ourselves separately. Then he briefly explained what family arrangement is and began to take us to do family arrangement experience activities.

One of the experience activities is to find another partner, stand in pairs and make eye contact with each other. Xu teacher asked us to be aware of our feelings and rising emotions in this process. I took the initiative to find Hans because I met her for the first time. This girl is so pure and beautiful that I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her.

In the process of looking at Hans, I saw her kindness, simplicity and beauty in her eyes, and felt that she must have grown up in a loving family. To my surprise, after several times, I saw my father's stern eyes in Hans' eyes, which made me almost unable to stand. I feel that deep down in my heart, I still have deep fear and fear of my father. This experience is my biggest gain in this workshop.

In addition, what xu teacher said subverted my previous cognition, that is, my parents are older and I am younger. When you want to reform your parents, you put yourself above them. This family arrangement is wrong. Moreover, children are not qualified and have no ability to reform their parents. Think about yourself in recent years, always trying to transform my father in various ways. Facts have proved that I was wrong ... thinking that I have suffered a lot of misfortunes in recent years may have a lot to do with my dislocation.

In the workshop, there was an opportunity to do a case, and I took the initiative to raise my hand to register. Xu teacher asked me to tell you about my project. After listening, the teacher said that this project is too big and time is limited, so it can't be done for the time being. I suggest that I wait for the seminar for a longer time.

Everything is just right. After the workshop, Uncle CMC told us that there was a one-day workshop in xu teacher on February 4th, and I signed up immediately, so I was full of expectations for that day.

four

Half a month passed quickly, and February 4, which I expected, finally arrived. The workshop is arranged in the teahouse on the third floor of Hangzhou Museum in Wu Shan Square, which is an excellent space with elegant environment. Together with xu teacher, 15 and his party started our one-day spiritual exploration journey.

Because I planted the seeds of doing a case in the last workshop, I seized an opportunity to do a case this time.

Xu teacher invited me to sit next to her and asked me what problems I wanted to solve in my life. I replied, I want to establish contact with my parents and build confidence. As I mentioned in my last article, several colleagues reported that I was not confident enough. In this workshop, I heard xu teacher mention that if you don't agree with your parents, you will also have shortcomings and lack self-confidence.

Then, I simply shared some things about my family with you. I was raised by my grandmother. My mother died young, and there is almost no impression of my mother in my mind. I never called "mom". When I first met my father, 10 years old. Moreover, my father is drunk and grumpy, and often fights at home, which brings a lot of pain to my grandmother and me. In 20 16, my 82-year-old grandmother died, and my father died of sudden illness six months later. ...

After telling my story, the teacher asked me to choose one as my father and one as my mother. And put "father" and "mother" in one position, and then the three of us can stand in a comfortable place according to our inner feelings.

At first, I asked "Dad" and "Mom" to stand side by side in a row. I stood beside "Dad" myself, but I felt uncomfortable, so I ran to stand beside "Mom". "Mom" held my hand tightly, and the teacher came to ask me how I felt. I said I was a little nervous and depressed, so I stood wider. Seeing "father" and "mother" standing together, I don't want to mention how happy I am. I'm glad they can finally be together! As far as I can remember, Mom and Dad have never been together. ...

Then, the teacher asked me to look at my mother and led me to say to her, "Mom, I miss you very much!" " ""Mom, I am very angry with you! " As I spoke, I couldn't help crying, and "mom" also cried. The teacher guided me to bow deeply to my mother. I bowed respectfully for three times, and then gave "Mom" a deep hug. In the arms of "mother", I burst into tears, crying out the grievances, pains and loneliness of not being accompanied by my mother for 30 years. The teacher asked "Dad" to come and hug us. In the arms of "mom and dad", I cried heartily and felt the love and warmth from my parents.

After my mood gradually calmed down, the teacher asked me to face "Dad" and talk to him about my heart. I said to my father, "Dad, I'm sorry, my daughter is wrong. I shouldn't always want to reform you, and I shouldn't always complain about you … "Then I bowed respectfully to" Dad "…

Finally, xu teacher led me to "Mom and Dad" and said, "Mom and Dad, you are older than me. Thank you for giving me life. You are my best parents ... "I know that xu teacher is guiding me to accept and identify with my parents.

five

Why did I change from "dad" to "mom" when I was working on my case? It turns out that my mother has hardly participated in it in my life, and I actually care about it subconsciously. Although at the level of consciousness, I don't seem to care much about the fact that I have no mother since I was a child.

In addition, why do you often lose your temper for a little thing? Now I know that it is because I have never accepted my father, always blamed him and felt that his father was wrong, so my behavior pattern was deeply influenced by his father, and he was just like his father when he lost his temper.

When I got home, when I saw the picture of my father on my desk again, I was no longer afraid. I felt my father's face and eyes become kind, and I couldn't help crying ... You know, I only looked at grandma's photos before, but I didn't dare to look at my father.

I am really happy in my heart: through this home decoration workshop, I began to establish contact with my parents. I believe that the existing problems will be solved. The children in my body will grow up healthily. Believe in yourself, and you can live your truest self! Everything will get better and better!

six

Finally, share a few golden sentences mentioned by Teacher Xu Linfen in the workshop:

"Only by fully accepting your parents can you be truly independent and truly confident."

"Tell mom and dad: I'm just your child, and I can't help you. If my life is different from yours, please bless me; If I am happier than you, please bless me. "

"Living well is the greatest filial piety."

"All wounds that parents have not healed will be brought to their children. "

"In the family, everyone standing in their own position is the greatest contribution to the family."

"Respect is the cornerstone of all relationships."

"Remember one sentence: I may be wrong."

"The best way to protect yourself is to open your heart."

"When you accept your misfortune, it will become your gift."

"Everyone's soul comes for growth."

Xu teacher told me that I was lucky to get in touch with my family at such a young age. Yes, I'm really lucky. It is a great blessing to know such a good tutor and meet so many small partners who pursue self-growth.

Since "everyone's soul comes for growth", I'm determined to study psychology and family system to keep myself growing. I also hope that one day, like xu teacher, I can help others get rid of the fog of life and live a happy and comfortable life.