Couples are drifting away, which is probably the disease.

Couples are drifting away, and most of them have this disease.

First, those seemingly "normal" couples are actually far away.

Writer Liao Yimei said: It is not uncommon to meet love and sex in life, but to meet understanding. Two people living under the same roof seem to know each other's temper and living habits. But in fact, we may not know our partner's heart.

They are husband and wife on the surface, but strangers in essence. They sleep in the same bed, have a child and support a family. These facts are true, but the relationship between them is a truly intimate "pseudo-intimate relationship". It is the emotional connection, deep communication, mutual understanding and mutual trust between two people.

And false intimacy is the lowest level of connection, treating feelings as inaction and not operating. What kind of "partner" is there without communication, deep concern, security and sex life? Married, have a lover, but no one to "accompany" us.

Second, life is too busy to "fall in love"

Life is too trivial, and we need to do too many things. Talking about and caressing our partners sounds extravagant. Professor Chu Yin in "The Story of Chipa" said that the relationship between him and his wife quickly intensified after the child went to primary school. Two people have no time to communicate, no time to communicate.

One is tutoring homework in the house, and the other is sitting quietly outside. I can't go to the movies on weekends, so I have to send my children to remedial classes. So do most couples. It is enough to talk about children's music education and the health of the elderly. That's enough. At night, everyone is exhausted. Who still has the energy to talk, who still has the energy to comfort each other, and who is still in the mood to live a married life? Sleeping in the same bed, but like people from two worlds.

The book I just want to live a good life with you says: The biggest problem of China couples is that they are not intimate enough. When a relationship comes to the end, it's not that you don't love it, nor that anyone is guilty. Maybe it's just because we didn't walk into each other and see each other's lonely and pious souls.

Third, what are we afraid of if we dare not be intimate?

Pseudointimacy means avoiding intimacy in intimacy and avoiding real being together with superficial "being together". Everyone longs for real intimacy, but why don't we dare to touch this happiness? Everyone has armor and weaknesses. The real intimacy is that we should open our armor, expose our weaknesses, and let each other touch us gently.

In other words, we should show our weakest side to each other. This display itself is a threat to the sense of security.

"Can he understand me?"

"He used to laugh at me. Why should I take the initiative again? "

Maybe it's the experience of hitting a wall in the past. We have been hurt, and out of the subconscious of self-protection, a high wall has been erected in our hearts. In the days to come, whenever we want to express ourselves, that high wall will remind us of our own pain. Only when people feel safe and the environment is stable will they "tell the whole story".

The "false self" comes from infancy. If children's needs can be met, then they will know themselves clearly when they grow up. But if babies need to obey their mother's preferences and can't express their dissatisfaction, then their ego will be suppressed. The experience of rejection in the past, coupled with the fear of looking straight into your heart, made the intimate relationship worse.

Maybe we expect someone to take the initiative to walk into our hearts and knock gently, but that person will always bring us disappointment. After a long time, there is no expectation for each other.

Fourth, a good marriage should not be lonely.

In the Japanese TV series Everything about My Wife, Dou Xian and Ren Zhen are in a seven-year itch aversion period. Dou Xian hates his wife very much and always says trivial things. But he didn't dare to express his thoughts with his wife, and he didn't want to be a "bad guy" who left voluntarily. So, he thought of a "bad idea"-let his wife go to the TV station as an anchor and arrange a handsome guy to "seduce" her.

In the end, Zhenren became a popular anchor, and she really cheated as she wished. Dou Xian asked her if she was tempted. She said: I am tempted. That man knows what I like. Listen to me carefully. It's that simple. Some people hear your heart, others will let you down. Couples who "pretend" to be together are like roommates. In the name of intimacy, doing distant things.

In the book False Intimacy, it is mentioned that in order to avoid conflicts, partners will carefully avoid some important or sensitive topics. Mutual understanding, acceptance and trust between two people do not increase with the increase of communication time, and getting along only depends on habits, obligations and responsibilities.

Our marriage is not dead, just sick. It's just that we don't know how to be intimate, and we long for intimacy. Don't let the marriage be lonely, and establish a real intimate relationship. We can start from these aspects.

The frankness of "here and now" "That's it, everything you say is right" "I don't want to argue with you about this topic" Sometimes, in order to avoid making our relationship worse, the topic of debate will always be terminated. But the more this time, the more we should express our current thoughts: what is my mood at this time? I want to talk to you about this topic because I care about your feelings.

In the atmosphere of "talking about everything", we have a habit of proving that I am right in communication. It is this kind of critical thinking that makes the other person afraid of being criticized and simply don't say it. Those words that have not been said have become barriers between each other. In communication, you must be a qualified listener, so that the atmosphere of the conversation is harmonious and there is no dispute between right and wrong.

3. The magnanimity of "knocking down the wall", people who have not established enough sense of security since childhood have a wall in their hearts. Whenever our mood fluctuates, we instinctively hide behind that wall. Why don't you try knocking down that wall and tell yourself: let me out, it's safe outside. When we give ourselves to each other heart to heart, the other party can give ourselves to us.

Intimacy is a science, which needs enough trust and care. We used to love each other, so we can love each other again. There's nothing to lose by trying real intimacy. If you fail once, you fail twice, and if you fail twice, you fail three times. When we change ourselves, everything around us will be better. Learning to manage intimate relationships is something we have to learn all our lives. No matter who you marry, whether you are married or not, you will eventually meet your true self.