Humorous stories between husband and wife

Humor can help people gain insight into the causes of conflict and emotional distress. I collected some humorous stories between husband and wife for you. Come and have a look with me.

Selected humorous stories between husband and wife

1) A man who left work early came home to find his wife in bed with a strange man. He shouted angrily, you bastard, I will make you pay for this. ? The strange man replied:? Nonsense, I paid when I came in, so I won't breach the contract! ?

2) At a national toll station, a truck driver complained to the female toll collector: It's too tiring to climb two mountains to reach you. The female toll collector said: It will be even if it goes down a little. The driver said: Is there any grass next? Female toll collector: @ # $! @#$! @#

3) When a man sees a beautiful female nurse, he dreams and says: Miss, can you lift your skirt? I can give you money. ? Miss, lift the skirt a little and get it. ? Miss, would you please raise it a little higher? Miss, raise a little more and get it again. ? Can you lift it up a little? , the man said. The lady replied:? Don't you just want to see where women give birth? You always give me yuan, and I'll show you enough. ? ......

4) Mother and daughter take a taxi through the city center. The daughter caught a glimpse of some enchanting women standing on the street corner and asked her mother: What are they doing? They are waiting for their husbands to have dinner together after work. ? Mom replied. ? Oh, my god ? The taxi driver couldn't help interrupting. Madam, you should tell the truth. They are prostitutes, waiting for their clients to come! Can prostitutes have children? The daughter asked her mother curiously. ? Of course it will. Mom replied grumpily,? Who else will be a taxi driver?

5) There is a man driving a sports car with his girlfriend. The woman rises and says to the man:? If you drive to 150, I'll take off my clothes. ? Man:? What's wrong with that! ? After that, she slammed on the accelerator and drove to 180. The woman really took off her clothes. Just then, an accident happened and the car overturned. The man was stuck in the car and couldn't get out, so he told his girlfriend to go for help. Woman:? But I'm naked! ! ? Man:? Then I'll lend you a shoe and you cover the key parts. ? So his girlfriend ran to the community for help according to her shoes. She went to the gas station and told the younger brother of the gas station out of breath: Rush? Quick? Help me? Boyfriend, him? Card? It's stuck in there and can't get out! ! ? ......

6) A person died and went to hell, which was very hot. But he saw a beautiful woman in hell with a bottle of good wine beside her. He turned to the kid and said that hell is so beautiful, with wine and beautiful women. ? Children:? You only know one thing, but you don't know the other. There is a hole in the bottom of this bottle of wine. You can't drink it, but that beautiful woman doesn't. ?

7) a: since my girlfriend went on a business trip, my waist is not sore, my legs are not soft, and I don't even doze off at work? B: ever since his girlfriend came on a business trip, my back aches and my legs ache, and I doze off at work every day?

8) As soon as a person enters the clinic, he is eager to tell the doctor. Doctor! Please help me! I can't stand the pain! ? The doctor couldn't help but be surprised. Oh, my God! How did you fix your nose? Swelling like one? Male treasure? Hey! ? The patients are ashamed to say: Hey! How many servings do I have to eat to do it? Viagra? ! ? Doctor: Wow! How could this happen! ? Tell you what! Let you? Friends? Please come out and let me see #? The man did it, the doctor said with great certainty after reading it. I'm telling you, you will eat more at first, so it's not a place! ?

9) With regard to the punishment decision on Brother Sheng's farting, after research, it is decided to give Comrade Sheng the following punishment: 1. After farting, stay alone until the fart smell disappears; Second, take off your pants before farting, and then fart; Don't tell me before farting, eat a catty of peas after farting. That's it! Housing Committee

10) A man kissed a strawberry on his girlfriend's neck and was seen by his seven-year-old niece, who said, Aunt, what happened to your neck? Awkward answer:? Bitten by a dog. ? The niece said in surprise, huh? Then if you get an injection, you will get rabies. ? Anonymous calmly replied:? Yes, I did. I just did it last night! ? Do you know anything about seconds?

1 1) There are two young couples who haven't been married long. Although there is no car under the ass for the time being, it has become an essential habit for couples to soak in the jar of the automobile age after dinner every day. Follow, irrigate, do nursing, pat bricks? Automobile knowledge is rising every day? It's getting late. Wash and sleep. After the couple went to bed, they began to get warm. Wife stroking her husband: Why is the paint of domestic cars so rough? Husband stroking his wife: You are also a joint venture car, only metallic paint. The wife couldn't wait and touched her husband's ass. Wife: Why aren't you on the road? Don't worry, it's a cold start. It is necessary to preheat the car after ignition. Wife: Didn't you read that post just now? Experts say that it is not good to preheat the car in place after ignition! Husband: That's not comprehensive. Who should step on the gas in a cold car like you? Develop every time you start? Hot car? The habit of. Sticking to the original hot car for a few minutes, after full lubrication, is of great benefit to the service life of the car. ......

12) One day, a boy had just finished foreskin surgery, and a female nurse was preparing to remove his stitches and change his medicine. The patient said to the sister of the female nurse, slow down, slow down, it hurts a little. Sister nurse said humorously: Do you enjoy this process? How else can you tell me to slow down? I couldn't help laughing when I saw the patient's embarrassed face.

13) At three o'clock in the morning, the doctor's phone rang. ? Hello? The other end of the phone was very flustered: doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom. ? The doctor said: take him to the hospital, and we will meet in the hospital in ten minutes. ? He got dressed and was about to go out when the phone rang again. He picked up the phone. ? Hello? A very calm voice came from the other end of the phone: it's okay, doctor. We found another one. Don't bother. ? Girls and boys love each other and their feelings are getting stronger and stronger, but they never cross the line. The girl had no choice at first, so she gave the boy a delicate condom as a hint. Unexpectedly, the guy broke up the next day. The girl was heartbroken and regretted it. At this time, the young man was complaining to his buddy: This woman is so talented that she wants to break up without telling me directly. Sending a broken balloon implies that I was blown, md, and it was blown.

14) I have a good relationship with a girl in college. Every time I send her back to the dormitory, she always gives me a hug when I go upstairs, because graduation will definitely separate the two places, and we have not said anything. In the first year of graduation, the whole class got together and we hugged each other intimately. I said: after working for a year, you haven't changed at all, and you are still so beautiful! ? She smiled for a while and said, you have changed a lot, and now hugs won't poke me! ?

15) Son, you really gave your father a long face. You can't take the exam, can you Why write couplets on the test paper? The first part: It is too difficult for my son to write the questions. Bottom line: Sun Tzu's invigilation is too strict. Horizontal criticism: I won't. Your head teacher invited me to the office. I smiled when I saw the test paper. The teacher stared at me!

16) "Old baby, I asked my husband:? You call me baby now, and when we have children, you call them baby, so what do you call me? Husband replied:? Old baby. ? Wind and rain! My husband told me about his experience of marrying me: wind, come on; Rain, come on; Let the storm come more violently! So, here comes my wife. ? There is rice. I'm sorry that my husband never likes rice. He ate steamed bread at night and said, with jiaozi, I will definitely not eat steamed bread; With steamed stuffed buns, I will never eat oil cakes again; I definitely don't eat steamed bread if there are oil cakes; With steamed bread, I will never eat rice again; Do you have rice? I am sad. ? Prince toad's husband drinks, and I'm angry: one more drink and we'll get divorced! Toads with three legs are hard to find, and men with two legs are all over the street! ~? Husband:? I am your legendary toad prince. Is it hard to find a three-legged toad? Congratulations! You found it. ? ......"

17) Xiaoli, a colleague and clerk, fell asleep at her desk at noon. A few male colleagues are watching the football league on their mobile phones. Everyone shouted:? Shoot! Shoot! ! ? Xiaoli woke up from her sleep and shouted: Don't shoot there. Everyone was fooled. . .

18) I was watching TV on the sofa. My wife sat on my lap wrapped in a bath towel and said charmingly, Uncle, you want a little girl, don't you? I deliberately sat still:? No, no, uncle, I have no money with me today! ? Wife:? What money is not money, just make the little girl happy, and make up an iou afterwards! ? I am dizzy ~ ~ ~ I still owe money for this matter! I lifted my wife's chin in one hand and jokingly said, Girl, come and sing me a song! ? My wife patted my hand: My guest, please show some respect. I only sell myself, little girl, not art! ? Shocked ~ ~ ~ this hit the gun! Reading in bed after a bath, my wife came out of the bathroom. A hungry tiger pounced on me and said coldly, hey, little brother looks good, little girl, I want to try it today! ? I fought to the death. When my wife saw that I was disobedient, she turned her head and said softly: Grandpa, you just followed that little girl, right? I said:? Give me a reason first! ? My wife's eyes are dripping: The little girl just got out of prison and hasn't eaten meat for years! ? My mother ~ ~ ~ ~ This reason is very sufficient, and there is no reason for disobedience! ......

A man lives in a hotel. When he took the elevator upstairs, the elevator stopped at the first floor and a naked beauty came in. He was stunned and kept looking at it. Beauty:? What is there to see? I haven't seen it, have I, smallville? ? He replied:? Yes, it's nothing. My wife has a set of pajamas just like yours. ?

Wonderful humorous stories between husband and wife

1) ? You are finally online! ? what's up We have delivered the inflatable doll you bought yesterday, but we are out of the Fan Bingbing version you asked for online, so I sent you the Xifeng version, but you can rest assured of the quality. I will give you another price. The goods have been delivered by express, dear. Remember to give you a good review! ?

2) Before the son got married, the father was embarrassed to teach him: You will be above and she will be below. On their wedding night, the bride saw that the new bed had been replaced with a bunk bed.

3) Keane asked his girlfriend:? Am I the first man to have sex with you? Yes, you are the first. Other men are straightforward and never procrastinate. ?

4) When I went to the Canton Fair with a colleague, I was often harassed by the lady's phone at the hotel. By chance, we found the room number of the lady who called us (probably the one who booked a room in a hotel and then harassed it with an extension), so we naturally got the extension number of the lady (many hotels use this room number). So one afternoon we were harassed again: Do you need a young lady? After refusing, we were filled with indignation, so our colleague dialed the phone back. It was that lady who answered the phone just now, and my colleague lowered her voice solemnly. Can I help you, sir? . It is estimated that the young lady has never encountered such a situation. After a pause for a few seconds, she said angrily, Yes, I want your head! ? ......

5) At the school meeting, the subject director made a final summary: In short, I hope that no matter where you are, you should remember that you are a student in our school, and you must never smoke while walking, wear shorts in the classroom, or even talk about indecent topics in your own room. ? Also, female students, if there are some pig brothers and boys pestering you, ignore him. You have to ask yourselves, is it worth ruining your reputation for an hour of happiness? Well, what's the problem? Just when the whole audience was silent, suddenly a gentle voice said, excuse me? What can I do to keep him going for an hour? It is said that when Wukong borrowed a banana fan from Princess Iron Fan, it happened to be the time when Niu Wangmo came back from work. Niu Wangmo heard the following conversation at home: Wukong:? Sister-in-law, I am in you! ? Princess Iron Fan:? Ah! Don't! ! ! Ah! ! ! It hurts! ! ! Do not move. Oh, please come out quickly! ! ! Ah. . . ? Wukong:? Okay, I'm coming out! Please open your mouth! ! ! ? Princess Iron Fan:? Huh? Hearing this, Niu Yi left the divorce papers at home and left sadly.

6) A man went to the business hall to renew the fee. Man:? I pay the broadband fee for half a year. ? Waitress:? It is best to hand it in once a year. ? Man:? But I only brought money for half a year! ? The waitress patiently explained: You'd better have sex for one year at a time, which is more cost-effective. ? Man:? I told you, only six months. Let's go ? Waitress:? It is not a man to be so stingy. ? The man was furious:? Then tell me, how long does it take to make love once to be a man! ? Mm of a forum with close relationship with me was in a bad mood, so she took me out to have dinner with her. Halfway through the meal, she ordered a bottle of beer and asked me, can you have a drink with me? I feel terrible today! ? I hesitated? Well, I'm sorry, I can't drink it, okay? Oh, I'm not good at drinking either, and I get drunk after drinking one bottle. When I get drunk, I have sex with my relatives, huh? After that, he gave me a sad look. I thought for a moment, then turned and shouted, waiter, four more beers! ! ?

A couple got married in the church. When it was time to exchange rings, the nervous groom forgot about it. The priest raised his finger anxiously, made a snapping gesture and winked at the groom. I saw the groom blushing and stammered. Reverend, isn't that the wedding night tonight?

8) A lonely man walks into a bar and has nothing to say with his boss. Running for president again, the boss quickly stopped and said, stop it. No one can talk about politics in my bar. It is so boring. ? The man changed the subject and said, I heard that Paul II was interrupted again: Don't talk about religion, it's boring. ? Let's talk about football. Recently, psg teams in Paris have suffered many defeats and battles. Don't mention it. How many people fight with me for talking about football? The man couldn't bear it, held his breath and asked, shall we talk about sex? ......

9) When taking the elevator, the man was surprised to find a naked woman in the elevator. The woman gave him a white look and scolded, What are you looking at? What's there to see! ? Oh! I just want to say that my wife has a leather coat like this. ?

10) Young women always go their own way, even if they feed their children in public, they will never be coy. On one occasion, he and his husband took their children to a restaurant for dinner. The children were crying with hunger, and the young woman lifted her skirt to feed them. The waiter came up to her and politely asked her not to breastfeed in public. The young woman was furious and said, do you think breastfeeding is obscene? Don't! ? The waiter politely pointed to the notice on the wall and said, but it is forbidden to eat food that is not served in this restaurant. ?

1 1) "The husband came home and found that his wife was having an affair with his best friend, so he shot them and was convicted of murder himself. The next day, the news made the front page, and the neighbors were talking about it. A neighbor who lives above the couple expressed his opinion. He said: It's a good thing it happened on Friday, otherwise the situation would be worse. ? The neighbors said disapprovingly, what could be worse than these two dead and one prisoner? Because if her husband comes back on Thursday, I will die! Wouldn't it be worse? The neighbor upstairs said. "

12) A girl went to buy eggs with a cat in her arms and put them in the booth to pick eggs. The male stall owner praised the cat: Your boobs are so big! The woman was angry and didn't speak. The stall owner said, Your boobs are so white! The girl is furious: If you talk nonsense again, I will crush your eggs!

13) blind date, there is a mm sitting opposite in the teahouse. After understanding the work, education, family and hobbies of both sides, the conversation got into trouble and began to talk about some social topics. Me: What do you think of the housing market? Mm (paused, then lowered his head and was silent for a while): Or? It's best not to be too frequent.

14) The wife fights with the concubine, and the husband loves the concubine and deliberately scolds:? I might as well kill you in order not to annoy her. ? After hearing what her husband said, I cried and fled back to my room, and her husband chased me with a knife. The wife thought that her husband really went to kill the concubines, and then went to see them, only to see them having sex. The wife said:? Cry loudly, if you kill me like this, kill me first! ?

15) a woman just gave birth to a baby, and her milk was too rich and bloated, but her son was almost asleep and couldn't find a breast pump. In desperation, she asked her husband to help her suck milk. It happened that an intern male doctor saw it and said, excuse me, madam, I don't know if you have the wrong baby.

16) "Son, you really gave your father a long face. You can't take the exam, can you Why write couplets on the test paper? The first part: It is too difficult for my son to write the questions. Bottom line: Sun Tzu's invigilation is too strict. Horizontal criticism: I won't. Your head teacher invited me to the office. I smiled when I saw the test paper. The teacher stared at me! A beautiful woman decided to spend a lot of money to lose weight. Spent hundreds of thousands, she felt very satisfied! On the way home, at the newsstand, she bought a newspaper and asked the boss when to change the money. Excuse me, how old am I? The boss said: She is so happy! Then she went to work as a laborer's salesman and asked the lady at the counter the same question. The young lady said: I guess she is so happy: no way! In high spirits, she went to Uni-President Supermarket on the corner and bought a pack of chewing gum. She couldn't help asking the counter lady there. Miss said: well, I guess she is too proud: thank you! While waiting for the bus, she asked the old man next to her. The old man said: I am blind, I can't see. However, there is one way to be sure when you are young. If you let me put my hand into your bra, I can definitely know your age ... "

17) my colleague divorced because he came home from a business trip and found his wife cheating. I asked him how he found it. He said: through condoms. I asked:? Why? There is no shortage of condoms. I kept it when I left and when I came back. ? What the hell was that? . ? I was Jasper when I left, and Durex when I came back.

18) when I first started working, I went to far places on business. The first time I invited someone to dinner, I asked the waiter: Do you have sanitary napkins? The waiter opened his eyes wide, and the thief said, What? I repeated it again:? Sanitary napkins! ? The waiter said with a red face, we don't have it here. We must buy it if you need it. ? I wondered in my heart that the hotel didn't have sanitary napkins, so I made a mistake and bought them. After a long time, the waiter brought a pack of comfort and happiness with a shiny tray. I took the exam. What I wanted to say was napkins. I drank too much.

Classic humorous stories between husband and wife

1) There are two fishermen's brothers who are married. But the family is poor and can only be together, and the two brothers share a fishing boat. Every night, the husband and wife's life is out of sync, the fishing boat shakes, and the two brothers feel distressed. After thinking for a long time, I reached a tacit understanding: take drinking as the number. Brother or brother said, let's have a drink together! At the same time, one day, after the two brothers finished playing, the younger brother Yu Xing said, Brother! Have another drink together! Brother replied: Brother, just one drink!

2) One day, the director of the Women's Federation came to a village to inspect the work. The following is his speech: Hello, everyone, you have done a good job. I am a lout. How thick is it? Your female village head knows that we talked all night last night. Then she learned my length, and I learned her depth?

3) I went to the qq farm to steal vegetables at three o'clock this morning. It happened that my ex-girlfriend's pomegranate was ripe, so I stole it mercilessly. I didn't expect to get up in the morning to go to work and open the qq space. I saw the message from my ex-girlfriend: If you were so energetic last night, I wouldn't break up with you.

One spring evening, a girl knocked on my door. I asked her who she was, and she shook her head without saying anything and began to take off her clothes. Since then, she will come on time every Wednesday without saying a word. A month later, the girl finally spoke: Director X, can I play this role? I pointed to the floor and said, Director X's house is downstairs, dear! ?

5) A young beauty is wearing a tight skirt to get on the bus. Because the skirt was too tight to lift her legs and get on the bus, she secretly reached out and unbuttoned a button at the back, but still couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one, or couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one. But I still can't get up. At this time, a man behind him reached out and helped her unbutton a button. When the woman felt it, she turned to scold the man. Rogue! ? The man was very wronged and said:? I'm a gangster? You unbuttoned three buttons in front of me, and I didn't say a word. I only unbuttoned one button! ?

6) A couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help sneaking around when they see that women's hair is so supple. The woman said sweetly: alas! I hate it! ? The man's heart itched even more, and he stole it again. The woman said, Well, no! ? Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, don't touch it! My wig is falling off! ! ! ?

7) wife:? Didn't you call me an angel before marriage? Husband:? That's right. ? Wife:? Why don't you pretend to call me now? Husband:? Oh, honey, you should be happy. Now my mind is much more normal. ? Wife (on the boat):? If this ship is going to sink, will you save me or our children first? ? Husband:? Save myself first. ? Wife:? Last night, I had a sweet dream that you promised me a dollar to buy clothes. Honey, can you realize my dream? Husband:? Of course. As luck would have it, I dreamed last night that I gave you a dollar! ?

8) On the bus, a modern girl wore a low-cut dress and an airplane necklace. As soon as a young man got on the bus, he stared at the plane on the neck chain. The girl couldn't help but ask curiously, do you like this necklace, sir? The man replied:? Oh! No, I'm just admiring the airstrip. ?

9) I came home from work in the afternoon as usual and found my wife in a bad mood that day. The result was a close fight and an unpleasant attitude. Everything I did was wrong. In the evening, things didn't get better, so I suggested that I go out and pretend to have just arrived home, and then start all over again, and my wife agreed. After I went out, I came in and said, honey, I'm back! ? Where were you just now? She snapped. It's already started. ?

10) A little girl went to the bakery to buy breakfast. She said to the boss: boss! Buy a chocolate doll. Boss: Do you want a boy or a girl? Girl: A boy doll, of course! Because there are a little more places to eat. A loving couple is celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. The middle-aged neighbor who was watching asked the old student first: "Why can you maintain a happy and beautiful marriage for 50 years?" I have never heard you quarrel since I was born. Have you never had any disputes between you? " "The old man said," of course there are disputes, but they will not expand. I learned this truth from my honeymoon trip ... I remember when the traffic was inconvenient, we went to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon, and each of us rented a donkey. Her donkey was obviously lazy and soon rested on the side of the road. I only heard my wife say coldly, "The first time. When the donkey wanted to be lazy for the second time, she pointed to the donkey and said, "This is the second time. 』 ......

1 1) An old man, it runs in the family! I went home one day and bought one? Bullwhip? Food! When eating, my daughter-in-law thought this dish had a special image and a strange taste. Dad, what is the name of this dish? Unable to explain, my father-in-law said, eat, don't be in such a hurry! ? The daughter-in-law asked again, and the father-in-law had to answer: From animals! ? Daughter-in-law asked: Do you have it with you? Father-in-law replied:? Yes! ? The daughter-in-law asked again:? Do I have it on me? Father-in-law thinks a little and answers:? Sometimes, sometimes not!

12) A female buyer wrote a favorable comment to the seller of adult products:? I don't have the strength to write good reviews?

13) ? The ex-girlfriend has a good figure, tall and light. I can easily pick her up and throw her on the bed. Oh, I envy you! What was the result? Um ... . Too hard to leak?

14) My sister is on a business trip. In the evening, brother-in-law and sister-in-law chat in the living room. My brother-in-law asked: How much is your tax? Sister-in-law blushed and whispered, How much does it cost to sleep with my brother-in-law?

15) The church in the town is damaged, and the pastor hopes that everyone will donate enthusiastically! A young lady came up to the priest and said. I am willing to donate twenty thousand yuan! ? The priest replied:? I'm sorry, miss, but we can't accept your dirty money. We appreciate your kindness! ? At this moment, a group of men behind shouted:? Reverend, take it! That's not dirty money, that's our hard-earned money! ?

16) female: you rascal, why did you kiss me on the mouth for no reason? M: Sorry! When I was behind you, I saw that your back was no different from my wife's, so please forgive me. If you think this is an insult, you can take revenge.

17) I took my five-year-old brother to the movies, and suddenly there was a scene of the hero and heroine making out; They threw their clothes under the bed one by one. I turned my head nervously to see my little brother's reaction, but the situation was not as bad as I thought. Seeing my brother say that he is not convinced: Brother! Why can't they throw clothes and I can't?

18) The ophthalmologist looked at the patient's left eye and said confidently. Obviously, this is not just an eye disease, it reflects that your nervous system, liver, heart and blood circulation have all changed, so I think you need to wait, wait! ? The patient cried: Do you want to see my right eye? My left eye is fake, just a glass ball. ? In biology class, the professor is explaining the structure of sperm. When the professor said that the main component of sperm is glucose, a girl stood up and asked: Why is it not sweet at all? There was silence, and the professor said calmly: Because of the feeling of the tongue, the sweet taste buds are on the tip of the tongue, not at the root of the tongue. ? . . .

19) my buddy told me: hey, it's so hard to be a woman. It hurts when I have my period! ? I want to know? Why do you say that? He looked around and whispered? At noon, I curiously used a sanitary towel and put it under myself. When I tore it off, I tore off countless hairs and screamed with pain. I looked at him piteously and said quietly, son, that thing is attached to underwear. You put it backwards? .

20) My wife is twins. After all these years, I kissed my sister-in-law today. In front of my father-in-law, my father-in-law teased me that she was too much alike.