How did I learn to coquetry in front of my father-the road of family connections

0 1. I don't feel intimate when I think of my father, but I am more cautious and embarrassed.

For most girls, coquetry seems to be a handy thing

As a spoiled senior, I never knew what it was like to feel intimate from my father before I was 20 years old.

Dad is obviously a good father, and I don't know what the problem is.

In my mother's mouth, my father is a father who works hard to make money, and he is a father who regularly calls to greet us. In my own impression, the most beautiful house in my hometown is only the flashing lights that decorate the festive atmosphere in front of my house during the New Year, and the grape trellis with heroic fruits hanging on the roof. All these make me proud and often feel beautiful, all from my father's mind and skillful hands. Every time I take my classmates home to play, there will be a cheerful voice in my heart who can't wait to share my father's masterpiece.

It seems that the story continues to develop like this. I may be a rich little princess, and everyone loves her.

In fact, in addition to my only child, there are brothers and sisters at home. In a family with five children, the father is responsible for all the financial resources. This pressure keeps him busy at work, and he doesn't go home more than three times a year. In addition, he is not good at expressing introversion and talks little. He won't make us laugh and hug us like other people's dads, and he won't talk to us about his growth, his love and his friendship.

After years of lack of in-depth verbal communication and physical interaction, I am sensitive to my father and feel a kind of embarrassment of formality and greeting. This kind of pressure makes me go to my neighbor's house on purpose every time my father comes home and never comes back. Every time I see other people's children fly to meet their father from afar, and then play around laughing and laughing, my heart is full of envy.

Sometimes, it's just me and dad in the living room. "Do you have any change? Wear more clothes when it's cold. Studying hard can buy you anything. Reading changes your destiny. You should study hard. "I don't know how to respond to these repeated concerns. Often leave the living room in a hurry after staying less than 2 minutes.

Sometimes, my father meets me at the station. It's a 40-minute drive on the road, and we are often silent all the way. I sat in the back in a daze. What should I say to my father, what should I say, what he wants to hear, or not.

In these memories, my father seems to be a robot without emotional changes, and I, like a confused and suspicious scout child, am careful but afraid to step forward.

This communication mode runs through my whole childhood and middle school. It doesn't seem to matter. What people think about day and night is, after all, a heavy study task. The envy of other people's fathers, the troubles of getting along with boys in the diary, and the formality of communicating with fathers are all just moments.

That's it.

02. I was anxious about my social life in college, and I began to think about the interaction with my father.

In a blink of an eye, I went to college, without heavy study pressure, and my grades are no longer a single evaluation standard. Joining clubs, participating in social practice activities and communicating with friends from all corners of the country have become a new daily life. The feeling of formality and embarrassment reappeared in my life.

New classmates and new teachers don't know how to start chatting. Activity interviews often fail because of nervousness and inflexibility. The team is worried that they don't know how to speak in silence, just like an outsider, eager to speak fluently on the podium but afraid to raise their hands to try. Walking through the front door of the big classroom, I felt that more than 200 people in the class were watching me ... These problems deeply troubled me and the crowd became more and more embarrassed. I am eager to easily and naturally shuttle through the crowd and become a cheerful, sunny and confident girl, but my self-restraint makes me very entangled.

Diary is no longer superficial, but full of difficulties and confusion about self, relationship, socialization and expression.

I can't find the crux of the problem, but these familiar feelings often remind me of getting along with my father. Is it because I look like my father?

03. Psychology tells me the concept of family background, guides my emotions and inspires me to take the first step.

The days on campus passed day by day, and the boring and complicated professional courses did not alleviate my confusion. On the contrary, I found an understanding friend in my psychology class. Listening to the explanation of the concepts of family background and unsafe attachment, I feel suddenly enlightened. It turned out that my social difficulties were deeply influenced by my association with my father when I was a child. Being born in a family will affect who I am, but only I can decide who I am. If you envy other people's state, take the initiative to change it. Come on! I often cheer myself up like this.

So, I, who never dared to say hello, learned from those enthusiastic classmates and took the initiative to say hello to people I knew. In the classroom where more than 200 people shared the theme, I rushed to the podium to share the experience I had been afraid to say. I was so nervous that I fell down before I ran halfway. I pretended to be in high spirits again and again during the group discussion.

These deliberate exercises have exposed my reserve and self-confidence again and again, and I am changing myself day by day. I am more and more involved in this change.

But getting along with my father, not talking about coquetry, and talking about five sentences on the phone, I still can't do it.

There seems to be a wall between my father and me that prevents me from crossing it.

Talk to the counselor. Maybe there will be new changes. My senior psychology student advised me to do so.

When the consulting teacher asked me, "Who were you particularly relaxed with when you were growing up?" I can't help thinking of M in Grade Three, G in the dormitory next door to Grade One, and L as a college roommate. Their common characteristics are careless and unreserved enthusiasm, and they like to share details and feelings of life.

Then why am I nervous in front of my father?

"You can think about what prevented you from approaching, try to write them out and put them in a corner. Emotions are not perceived and accepted. If they are not channeled in time, they will be blocked into an invisible wall and block the flow of each other's emotions. "

After the consultation, I thought about what the teacher said. It seems that in the face of my father's embarrassing and rigid feelings, I mostly escape, never stop to face them directly, and I don't want to admit their existence. I long for intimacy, so I resist all alienation.

Can't stay in the previous cognition.

I started to set a goal for myself and called for more than 30 minutes. After the call was connected, it didn't go as smoothly as expected, and then the usual greetings stopped.

0.4. Breaking the cocoon into a butterfly, I became a spoiled girl.

I shook my fist when dad was about to hang up. "Dad, I got a scholarship last week. I'm so happy. It was mainly the winter vacation that helped me. Do you remember? " Hehe, is Tomb-Sweeping Day on holiday? ...... "I thought my father would hang up as soon as he interrupted me, but I didn't expect my father to listen to me quietly at the other end, overlapping words in tone and tearing up one topic after another.

After talking for more than 30 minutes, I finally took the first step. I looked at the phone records, and I was a little flustered with happiness, and at the same time I choked like a wronged child.

I think I can act like a spoiled child.

After talking for 30 minutes every week for more than two months, I thought of my father. The former formality and embarrassment have disappeared, and I am full of intimacy in rebuilding contact and a sense of accomplishment in breaking through this behavior.

Even so, I can't imagine being alone with my father. I took my sister to visit my father during the holiday.

The first time I saw my father's room in the city where he works, I looked at it and chatted, "Dad, what kind of fruit do you usually like to buy?" What time do you get up in the morning? What's your favorite newspaper? Do you have a sore throat? ....."

With my sister around, I feel like an irrepressible bird.

We sat down to drink tea, and no one spoke for a while. I took a deep breath and broke the short silence. "Dad, my sister and I really want to know your previous stories. What did you say to me? " . Why didn't you tell us your previous experience before? You didn't tell me I knew nothing about you. I, my friend, am always afraid of you. "

The more I talked, the more excited I became, and my tears and nose came out.

"It's stupid of you to cry like this at your age. Oh, you are so embarrassed. "

"I'm not stupid."

In fact, I snickered in my heart. This sentence, which I have fantasized for countless times, finally blurted out naturally. I have become a spoiled daughter, and I want to run.

This experience repaired the intimate relationship, gave me a sense of security, and taught me to face my true emotions and be myself.

I learned to act coquettish in front of my father, which made me embrace the emotional flow of intimacy with my father and feel the fullness, strength and security brought by intimacy. I am no longer that flustered child, no longer running away from my true feelings, and no longer don't know how to express myself inconsistently.

At the same time, because I found my inner security, I learned to listen to my own voice and get along with strangers calmly and easily. Facing the imperfection in the relationship, I no longer envy others blindly, but know how to stop and face it, express it and give real expression space. Life is no longer imitating seemingly beautiful specimens.

For my father, I no longer envy others, even though I haven't learned to hug my father, because I have my own exclusive coquetry mode and feel at ease to be myself.

For others, no longer deliberately cheerful, no longer deliberately integrated, but pay attention to their own feelings, choose to contact.

I grew up to be myself, with harbors and mountains and seas. I don't have to wrap myself in a hard shell, but I can walk around the mountain as soft as water.