Advanced self-deprecating jokes

Do you like making friends with humorous people as much as I do, because you will be very happy every day. In fact, you can be that kind of person, as long as you know a sentence or two or a classic joke. Next, I carefully prepared Advanced Self-immorality for you. Welcome to watch!

Advanced self-mockery (popular) 1. A strange woman asked a child: Do you have any small animals at home? The child replied: listen to mom, dad keeps a fox outside.

When she was in love, she smiled and put her hand on his chest and heart. This is mine. He also answered with a smile. Day after day, he got tired of her. She said nervously, your heart is mine. It was repeated over and over again. He left decisively. At this point, it disappeared. A few months later, the police pried open her door, suspecting that it had something to do with his disappearance. But I smell a faint smell of corpse. On the bed in the bedroom, he lay on his back, his face blue. There is a rotting heart next to her, vaguely engraved with her name.

3.？ Son, you don't have to go to school tomorrow. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for you. Recently, I found that your Oedipus complex is getting more and more serious. ? My Oedipus? If you hadn't worn her underwear at home every day after her death and made her cosmetics more beautiful than her mother, I would have missed my mother ... beautiful? ... will you marry me when you grow up?

Xiao Ming has a crush on Xiao Yan, a young judge, and Xiaoli, a clerk, has a crush on Xiao Ming. Xiao Ming is very entangled, and everything is seen by the aunt in the canteen. Aunt advised Xiaoming: To survive, choose a woman who loves you and understands you. Well said! ? Xiaoming and his aunt are happily together at last.

The son of the interest banker asked his father, Dad, all the money in the bank belongs to customers and depositors. Then how did you earn your house, Mercedes-Benz and yacht? Banker:? Son, there is a piece of fat in the refrigerator. Please bring it. ? My son brought it. ? Put it back. ? The son asked:? What do you mean? The banker said, do you think there is oil on your finger?

6. Neighbor A Xiang talked about a boyfriend when she was twenty, and then she ate the forbidden fruit and got pregnant. Because I was not old enough to get married, I went to the hospital to abort the child. At the age of 22, A Xiang married her boyfriend, but in the past three years, she has been unable to conceive a child. She has been to many big hospitals, and the doctors say everything is fine. Just when the couple were disheartened, A Xiang miraculously got pregnant and went to the hospital for examination. The doctor said that she was pregnant for three months. Looking at the bigger and bigger belly, the couple are very happy. One morning, A Xiang woke up, still touching her belly, and found that her belly was actually flat. Just when she was terrified, she suddenly heard? Mom, I was afraid that you would knock me again, so I sneaked out. ? There is a baby boy lying under the bed.

7. A female friend sent her a selfie and asked me if I was beautiful, out of friendship. Me: It's beautiful. She: Oh, it's so ugly. Me: Not bad. She: I don't feel good at all. Me: It's ugly.

8. My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks later because he was so stingy! ! ! I texted him and said, let's break up! ? He replied:? Oh, well, no more text messages. This is my last free text message this month. ?

9. How long has it been? . How long has it been? . How long did it take? I remember I was just about to turn off the TV, but at that moment, a face suddenly appeared on the TV screen, twisted and crying, staring at it, crying black blood, and the corner of my mouth turned into a smile. So close, less than the distance of one hand. . My body also became motionless, as if time had stopped. . But my brain is still working. Look at it. How long has it been? . How long has it been? . How long did it take?

10. Going with the flow is a fat official. This man is well-dressed, his wallet around his waist is shaking with the pace, and he looks very rich. Suburban inns don't make much money on weekdays. The boss was full of energy at once, and with one look, the second brother met the fat guest, and then poured wine and cloth, which was very attentive. The fat guest didn't say anything, but his stomach swelled until the table was in a mess, threw his wallet to the boss and disappeared into the night. There are two ingots of gold in the wallet, and the boss is in tears. He took them out to worship several times. When it was dark, he looked again. Gold turned to stone, and the boss fell to the ground with weak legs, exclaiming that he had hit a ghost.

Advanced self-blacking (classic) 1. Last night, see? Avenue of Stars? A couple is singing My Close Lover. Hearing the climax, the landlord couldn't help singing along. After singing, I found my mother-in-law smiling meaningfully beside me. The landlord asked her mother-in-law: Mom, what's the matter? Did you sing badly? Mother-in-law came slowly: singing well, but not singing? Better! Grandma, don't hurt your wife's self-esteem like this!

Entering his house, he heard a faint swaying sound at the door. Husband! ? Seeing his wife's ghost approaching him again, he couldn't help screaming and running away. The aunt next door looked around and said to herself: crazy every day. You didn't kill anyone.

We sleep happily together every day. I held his rotting body and smiled.

I just saw it now. I bought it and used it for more than half a month? Shampoo? This is a shower gel. No wonder my scalp is always itchy recently. I'm really anxious about this IQ.

5. "A middle-aged woman was strangled alive at home. The police took the criminal's fingerprints from the victim's neck. By contrast, the fingerprint belongs to Jiang Tai. The man was arrested and imprisoned for rape thirteen years ago and released three years later. Soon, the police found Jiang Tai. Unexpectedly, Jiang Tai's arm was gone, and he was begging in the street. Someone testified that after he was released from prison, Jiang Tai entered a factory, and his arms were unfortunately swallowed by machines. Ten years ago, his arm was gone. When she heard that the middle-aged woman had passed away, Jiang Tai, who was covered with dust, sighed: "Although she framed me thirteen years ago, God punished her too severely." ""

6. He loves her more than anything, and whatever she says is what she says. One day, he listened to her and killed the whole family and chopped them into meat to feed her. She was expressionless, with sharp teeth in her open mouth and a gnawing sound.

7. On the bus, the thief was caught as soon as he put tweezers in a person's trouser pocket. The thief was very depressed and said, Brother, why are you so alert? The man replied:? There is a hole in my trouser pocket, and I'm not wearing trousers. Who made your special tweezers so cold? ?

8. Persuading prostitutes to be nice is simply the lowest thing a man can do, even lower than prostitution itself. The correct way is to say: Your work is good, and I will call you again when necessary. This is the greatest respect for prostitutes.

9. Teacher: If I jump from the fifth floor, how do you want to save me? Xiaoming: I want to go back to the past. Teacher: How touching! Xiao Ming: I want to watch it again. Teacher: Get out!

10. He got off work late. On his way home, he saw two roads ahead and didn't know which one to take. He felt his head:? It's weird. It's usually fine. Why are there two roads today? In order to choose a play, he came to the middle of the road intersection to toss a coin to choose, but he was dragged into the grass by his hand sticking out from behind. ? I knew you would do this. I have been waiting for you for a long time. ? A ghost green eye flashed cold light, which scared him unconscious.

Zuo Zuo is a little beauty. She is only twenty years old this year. She is rich and spends her time in the beauty salon every day. For her, face is more important than life, and maintenance is more important than nature. On this day, she heard that a new beauty salon had opened in a place and went there. It's clean there. It's a little scary. The staff put a mask on Zuo Zuo lying in bed, and soon Zuo Zuo fell asleep. I don't know how long it took, but Zuo Zuo woke up and found himself leaning against a shadow wall. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. There was no sound. He felt a pain in his heart and looked down as if something was missing. . . A week later, a body was found in a stream in the city. After a day's investigation, the name of the deceased was Zuo Zuo. . . At the age of 18. . .

2. In Chinese class, teacher: Excuse me, Xiao Ming? If every drop of water can represent a blessing, then I will send you an ocean? Do an imitation sentence exercise! Xiaoming: If each flower represents a blessing, I will send you a wreath! In an instant, the whole class is sensational! Teacher: Go, go, go now!

One day, Zhang, a black flower, saw a bloody body. Zhang: It's all right. Dad saw zongzi. Zhang: It's all right. Dad saw a cockscomb snake. Zhang: It's all right. Dad saw the forbidden daughter. . . Black flowers:. . . . . . . Needless to say, it's your dad again.

Zhuge Liang warned Liu Chan before attacking Wei. There are countless talents in Shu, and the former owner only lacks prestige. ? When Liu Chan heard this, he got angry at once. All right! I'll register one right away! ? Zhuge Liang? . . . ?

Dad got angry when he came home from work and saw the report card on the desk. He glared at his son, clenched his fist and said to him, how many times have I told you to study hard at school, but you just won't listen. I didn't pass any courses in Chinese, Mathematics and knowledge of nature. The son said quickly, Dad, put down your fist first. Why, this is the report card I just turned over when you were a child.

6. I have seen the most manly behavior of girls: queuing to order food in McKee, and then a boy went straight to the front to order food without queuing. The girl who practiced judo in our school walked up to the man who cut in line from the queue, grabbed him by the back collar with one hand, pulled him back a few steps and said, Didn't you see everyone waiting in line? I still remember the man's words at that time: Sorry, brother! I am really hungry. ?

7. When I came home from school today, I had a strange feeling as soon as I opened the door and entered the porch. This is usually the case. At this time, the home is full of excitement, but now there is no one. I walked into the living room and saw a piece of paper on the coffee table. I picked it up and looked at it. There are only a few lines on it. -

8. Holding the disc, I escaped from my mother's baa baa and went straight to Guangyi's residence. Guangyi is my only friend. We talk about movies and games, and he won't greet me with his fists and saliva like those hateful guys. Walking on the street corner, just answering the phone on the side of the road, my face is full of impatience. After thinking for a moment, I stepped back and held my breath. ? That coward gave me all the change for two months. If I ask him again, he will doubt me. ? Why don't you try a movie he can't understand? It's so boring ...

9. Today, I read the news that "the media called China's per capita deposit", only to find that I am not poor and should have a deposit. Who can tell me which bank I am in? How to take it out? I need it urgently! . . . I want to ask the media: "Can your money and mine be divided equally?"