Who can give me a script for a funny joke? Let’s have a class reunion within 5 minutes. No pornographic elements, no violent elements, no too many props, just tables and chairs.

Use the clips in this, the effect is amazing! !

Jia Xuming and Zhang Kang’s lines in cross talk "News Network", funny situations~~

Jia: Good evening, audience friends

Zhang: Good evening

Jia: Today is Monday, April 30, 2012, the tenth day of the fourth lunar month. Welcome to the Xinwen Lianbo program

Zhang: The main content of today’s program is as follows

Jia: Two crosstalk actors from Beijing Hip Hop Baozi Shop, Jia Xuming and Zhang Kang, will hold a special crosstalk performance at Beijing Haidian Theater

Zhang: The United Nations Millennium Development Conference will be held at the United Nations Headquarters, and the main topics of the conference will be discussed by Jia Zhang Does the cross talk show meet the needs of the market at that time and whether it leads a new trend in the development of cross talk

Jia: Heads of state from all over the world have sent congratulatory messages. They said in the congratulatory messages that Jia Zhang’s cross talk in the past year, He has made outstanding contributions to the peaceful development of the world, and especially affirms the shameless spirit of Jia and Zhang.

Zhang: Celebrities from all walks of life arrived at the Haidian Theater to hold a long ceremony for Jia and Zhang’s collaborative performance. A four-hour official goodwill visit

Jia: There are people watching the performance today

Zhang: Obama

Jia: Bin Laden

Zhang : Ban Ki-moon

Jia: Gaddafi

Zhang: George W. Bush

Jia: Saddam

Zhang: Kim Jong-un

Jia: Kim Jong Il

Zhang: I read the list here

Jia: I read the list over there

Zhang: People on both sides are very concerned about this performance

Jia: Especially people over there are more concerned

Zhang: They said that if the performance is not good, , took Jia Xuming away without hesitation

Jia: The main reason is because Zhang Kang did not have a subpoena

Zhang: We will mainly recall the period from January 1 to May 1, 2012 For the main news content of the day, please see the briefing

Jia: Bi Fujian hosted the CCTV Spring Festival Gala for the first time, with Bi Fujian as the host. It was really different. The stars of the Spring Festival Gala all showed the level of the Avenue of Stars

Zhang: In the Spring Festival Gala of the Year of the Dragon, Li Yapeng is the strongest man in history, because from Qu Ying, Zhou Xun to Faye Wong, everyone has followed Li Yapeng, and their voices have become hoarse

Jia: March 20th, Faced with the simultaneous price increases of Sinopec, PetroChina, and CNOOC, China Waste Oil made it clear that it would not follow suit for the time being

Zhang: In response, the general public has praised this. Is this a truly responsible and conscientious central enterprise?

Jia: The Municipal Traffic Management Bureau informed that due to the increase in the price of No. 93 gasoline, the traffic flow has dropped significantly, but the pedestrian flow has increased and the traffic pressure has increased. For this reason, pedestrian restrictions will be implemented from May 1st. Traveling on a single day with single eyelids, traveling on two days with double eyelids, traveling at night with both single and double eyelids, travelers wearing sunglasses will be treated as deliberately blocking the license plate, blind people will be treated as traveling without a license plate, and those with cut double eyelids will be treated as a set of cards

Zhang: The March 15th Party revealed that some large companies sell expired food. In fact, we should not condemn them, but should thank them. They have helped us cultivate to become indestructible. Xinhua News Agency reported that a restaurant in California, USA, was accused of selling expired food. The use of unhygienic tableware caused more than 200 diners to be hospitalized with diarrhea. However, the diners from China not only did not feel any discomfort, but also participated in the rescue work. The American reporter present lamented: The era of the Chinese as the sick man of East Asia is gone forever. Today’s Chinese people are immune to all kinds of poisons! ! !

Jia: Look, the person who made the leather shoe medicine just ate Sudan Red salted duck eggs the day before. The person who made Sudan Red just drank gutter oil the day before yesterday. The person who made the gutter oil had breakfast. The milk is all from Sanju. The one with Sanju milk was taking clenbuterol every day and had diarrhea and was hospitalized. At this time, he is taking leather shoe capsules. Don’t apologize. This is called a three-dimensional and leap-forward integrated operation! ! !

Zhang: From now on, I want to eat

Jelly, I will lick my leather shoes. If I want to eat old yogurt, I will lick my leather shoes. If I catch a cold, I will lick my leather shoes. When I have money, , I will definitely buy two pairs of leather shoes, wear one pair, and eat one pair.

Jia: I can go to the hall, go to the kitchen, climb the mountain, leave the pond, make it into yogurt, press it into capsules, 2012 Leather shoes are very busy

Zhang: Every day I hear news exposing the toxic food around us. Occasionally I see cigarette packages clearly indicating the content of harmful substances and clearly reminding that smoking is harmful to health. I feel strange I am moved by the fact that the cigarette industry is still the most conscientious.

Jia: Heshen’s deeds have deeply touched people’s hearts. People are singing and learning from Heshen’s good example and vigorously promoting Heshen’s spirit. A large number of models of scholars and scholars have emerged.

Zhang: The public's tolerance for corruption has reached a critical point. For this reason, the relevant departments have decided to significantly increase the public's critical point

Jia: The central government decided to allocate 100 million to arrange for 40,000 bureau-level cadres to go back to the Long March. Once the news was leaked, it aroused heated discussion among netizens.

The people expressed their willingness to perform the role voluntarily without any compensation. The National Army, they also stated that they will never let a corrupt official reach northern Shaanxi

Zhang: If European and American schools hold parent-teacher conferences in March and April next year, next year’s Two Sessions may not be held

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Jia: This year, the candidate list that moved China is: Indonesia, Vietnam, Myanmar, Thailand, and the Philippines

Zhang: The famous military scientist General Zhang gave a questionnaire on the military strength of various countries: No. One: America, fight whoever you want! Second: I will fight whoever the United Kingdom and the United States fight! Third: France, I will fight whoever hits me! Fourth: Japan, I will let the United States attack whoever attacks me! Fifth: South Korea, whoever attacks me, I will practice with the United States! Sixth: Russia, I will hit anyone who scolds me! Seventh: In our country, I will scold anyone who hits me! .....

Jia: Eighth: North Korea, whoever attacks me, I will attack South Korea

Zhang: North Korea is really a strange country. As long as you are fat, you will become a fat man sooner or later. Leader of the country

Jia: North Korea is already poor, but it has spent so many years scrimping on the rockets it built, and then let them go as a flying monkey

Zhang: What North Korea’s failure to launch rockets tells us A truth: I want to ejaculate even though I’m not full, but I really can’t hold on for a minute

Jia: A Japanese tourist lost his bicycle in Wuhan and found it. He deeply thanked the citizens of Wuhan. In fact, this is nothing. , when the photographer Mr. Chen lost his computer, the whole society helped him find his photos

Zhang: The Japanese guy who lost his bicycle, I want to remind you here that you have ridden more than a dozen The country has just lost its bicycle. Be content. If you make your first stop in China, your world tour will only have one stop.

Jia: Rui Chenggang asked Locke, Mr. Ambassador, I heard that you are traveling in economy class. , is it reminding everyone that the United States owes money to China? Rui Chenggang’s question is reasonable, because the Chinese who owe China money are all flying first class

Zhang: A primary school in Guizhou was accused of feeding rotten food to students , leading to student mistakes and poisoning, the principal was dismissed on the spot. It is not easy to be the principal of a primary school, but the principal of a university will never be dismissed for giving rotten food to students

Jia: Good medicine is bitter in taste and good for the disease. In order to solve the problem of traditional Chinese medicine Regarding the problem of bitter taste, the Chinese Medicine Association decided to insert a tube into the body to inject medicine, because it would be very comfortable to have a tube in the body, and started the experiment from the president of the association

Zhang: Recently, the medicine in Guizhentang has not been reduced. On the contrary, the courage incident proves that their products are genuine

Jia: There is a young man’s girlfriend who has designated him to leave a message saying “I love you” on a certain Sina Weibo post every day. As long as he persists for 100 days, She was willing to marry this young man, and it seemed that she had persisted for 99 days. When she opened Weibo on the 100th day, the screen was cleared

Photo: Internet Development Plan: First, this comment has been closed; Second, comments are closed; third, closed

Jia: Weibo rankings, the second-ranked Weibo is: This Weibo has been deleted by the original author; the first-ranked Weibo is: Weibo has been deleted

Zhang: State Administration for Industry and Commerce

An Olympic trademark infringement case was investigated and dealt with in accordance with the law. A Zhejiang underwear manufacturer registered two trademarks, men's underwear called Bird's Nest and women's underwear called Water Cube. What annoyed the Olympic Committee the most was the advertising slogan: Same place, same dream

Jia: Fifteen years ago, when I was in junior high school, the whole class watched Titanic together. Then I was very puzzled as to why ROSE and JACK got into the car, and the windows would fog up and... A hand slapped on the window. I wanted to watch it again this time, but I heard it was deleted.

Photo: IPAD3 was released as scheduled. It supports ten languages, but not Korean. Korean netizens expressed regret and said: South Korea is a market that cannot be ignored. Why not support Korean? Chinese netizens said that apples are still hot, which directly eliminates the possibility that apples were invented by South Korea

Jia: The battle between Fang Zhouzi and Han Han provides us with two points of understanding: first, Han Han is not a god, and second, Fang Zhouzi is not a human being

Zhang: Regarding Fang Zhouzi, only Shui Junyi can cure it. Water can carry a boat and also capsize it

Jia: Guangzhou Evergrande Football Club is playing against Japan’s Kashiwa Reysol During the match, fans put up slogans: The Diaoyu Islands belong to China, Sora Aoi belongs to everyone

Zhang: Sora Aoi endorsed Longjing, and everyone questioned: Is Longjing a scented tea or a green tea

Jia: Cang Both Jing and Longjing have the same Yile Ting Tac Toe, so we can understand what Ting Tac Toe represents, because there are two pictures horizontally and vertically

The following is sports news

Jia: After unremitting efforts, Messi finally averaged more points per game than the United Arab Emirates

Zhang: After several years of hard work in the NBA, Yi Jianlian has changed from an ordinary substitute player to a pure substitute player

Jia: When the Beijing Jinyu Basketball Team won its first secondary basketball championship, two people played an extremely important role, one was Marbury and the other was Su Wei

Zhang: Beijing fans gave up their curse for many years and changed their name to Su Wei. The Municipal Government Club tearfully presented Comrade Su Wei with a banner in recognition of his great contribution to the civilized arena. In this way, the chronic illness that had not been cured was solved by Su Wei. Cured

Jia: Chinese football has failed again to go global. Fans calmly said that this is the outcome it should have

Zhang: I have watched the Chinese team play more than ten games Years have passed, and the commentator has said most often that there is not much time left for the Chinese team

Jia: Regarding the bonus issue of the national football team, the Football Association recently announced a plan to reach the top ten with a bonus of 5 million. The prize for reaching the World Cup is 10 million, and the total bonus is ***15 million. The players bought a welfare lottery ticket

Zhang: Shu Qi deleted all Weibo, a person with 200,000 fans and a person with 4 million Fans' quarrel forced a man with 10 million followers to delete his Weibo account

Jia: In various places in Beijing, there are countless billboards and posters of various sizes to promote the Beijing spirit, patriotism and innovation. , Tolerance, Morality, Certificate

Zhang: Invoice.

WeChat Shake is a very good social tool. Within a few months, all Parkinson’s patients across the country got to know each other and became friends

Jia: I heard that China is going to build its own aircraft carrier. The most pertinent suggestion from the Ministry of Railways is that China would be better off building an aircraft carrier

Zhang: Miyun, Beijing, will build an English city, and people in it will not be allowed to speak Chinese. In fact, this matter is not new, because China There has long been a precedent

No one in big pants is allowed to tell the truth

Jia: The divorce rate in China has been increasing for seven consecutive years. More than 5,000 couples divorce every day. In order to To control the number of divorced couples, Beijing will implement a lottery for divorce

Zhang: I just saw Apple phones being burned during the Qingming Festival for fear that my ancestors won’t be able to use them. The owner of the sacrificial shop said that Steve Jobs has already gone down to hand them over, so don’t worry

Jia: Because the price of cemeteries has increased significantly, many people want to be buried standing up, with their upper bodies exposed. This saves land and even tombstones

Zhang: There is a generation in China that pays homage to primary school students. There is no money for college, and there is no money for elementary school when you are in college. Before you work, jobs are assigned. When you can work, you have to find a job. When you don't make money, you have to be assigned a house. When you can make money, you find that you can't afford a house at all. , Can't get a wife. Even a fool can make money before entering the stock market. But when he rushes in excitedly, he finds that he has become a fool. They are the ones born in the 1980s who never rush, complain, and live tenaciously.

Jia: Lives in the most expensive house in the world, drives the most expensive car in the world, pays the most expensive fees in the world, burns the most expensive oil in the world, and drives in the most congested road in the world. On the road, they pay the most money in the world, avoid the most privileged cars in the world, are exposed to the most dense electronic eyes in the world, and worry about the weirdest fines in the world. They are Beijingers.

Jia: The reason why many Chinese people don’t like "Xinwen Lianbo" is because they are jealous that the Chinese people in it live too happy lives.

Zhang: Today’s news broadcast has ended.

Jia: Thank you for watching.