I don't want to compete with my parents. What should I do? ( 1)

With the physiological changes in adolescence, the psychology of teenagers has also changed accordingly, especially children. Strong opposition and confrontation are harmful to children's psychological development, daily study and life. If left unchecked, it may cause children's psychological defects and even seriously affect their future life, study and work. Therefore, it is very important for adults to recognize the essence of rebellious psychology and help children overcome rebellious psychology.

Mom: Frankie, mom, this is a diary written by an adolescent. They are troubled by something. I'd like to discuss it with you and listen to your opinion.

Frankie: All right! I am 12 years old, and I am about to enter adolescence. I really want to know what problems my brothers and sisters have encountered and how to solve them if they encounter these problems.

Mom: read this girl's diary first:

Everyone wants to be independent and have their own life, but I can't. My parents seem to be looking at me all the time, which makes me feel that there is no room for stretching my arms.

I like what they forbid me to do. For example, I like to go out and sing karaoke with my classmates, but every time I go out, they have to strictly examine: where to go? Do what? Is it a boy or a girl? What's your name? Does she study well? They often say, "Be sure to stay with your classmates who have studied well!" "Who is the male classmate next to you?" I also like to "cook porridge" with my classmates and friends, but every time I call, they find various excuses to come to my room to listen to what we are talking about, and even several times I find them eavesdropping on the extension. My classmates all have mobile phones, but they are determined not to buy them for me. The reason is that they will pick me up from school on time every day, so it is useless for me to have a mobile phone. I also like the novels of Jing M.Guo and Zhang Yueran, but they say reading such novels is a waste of time. I like listening to Fahrenheit's songs, but they think these people are too noisy and ignorant. I like playing games, but they think I will not learn well because of it. I like to wear hoodies and miniskirts. They don't think it's the right dress ... anyway, they don't like anything I like.

However, everything I hate is what they are keen to let me do. They arranged all kinds of cram schools for me, arranged my time to the brim, and didn't let me have any breathing space. Don't leave me alone even during the holiday, and arrange all kinds of "colorful and interesting" learning activities for me in the name of relaxation.

I'm a little resistant. Actually, I didn't quarrel with her. I just expressed my opinion. My mother either cried bitterly and said that I had become disobedient, that I was ungrateful and deliberately angry with her. Either you are grumpy, angry, dissatisfied with this and have a problem with that. My former gentle mother disappeared at once.

Obviously, my mother always looks at me critically, from my hairstyle, clothes and tone of voice to my friends and my spare time arrangement, but she always thinks that I am deliberately making things difficult for her. For example, at dinner yesterday, my mother asked me about the monthly exam. I said, "Everything else was ok in this exam, but I didn't do well in physics." As soon as my words began, my mother's voice rose: "I didn't do well in the exam." How many points? " "60。" "What's the difference between that and failing the exam? This is you. Your daughter is so good, you are so useless ... "I was so angry, but I held back the fire, but my mother's anger grew bigger and bigger. I said, "It's no use talking all day." ... I threw away my chopsticks and ran to my room. So my mother shed tears first and said that she was uncomfortable. Then she called her father and complained to him that I made her angry on purpose.

In fact, I really don't want to make them angry, and I don't mean to go against them. I hope my parents can understand me, but they don't want to understand me at all. They often say, "You were born to me. How can I not understand you? "

I think my life is simply terrible, and life is going to hell! I really want to have my own living space, I really want to have my own life! What should I do? What should I do?

Frankie: This sister is pathetic enough.

Mom: But in the eyes of adults, this sister's mother is even worse.

Frankie: That's the problem. You adults will never really understand our children. You adults always look at us with your own ideas and ask us according to your own will.

Mom: Is it really impossible for adults and children to communicate? Do we have to go to the point where children and parents are incompatible?

Frankie: I think our children are willing to communicate with you. The key to communication is whether you adults can put down your posture and really communicate with us. In fact, it is whether you adults can really understand us.

Mom: Oh! There seems to be a possibility of communication between adolescent children and adults, doesn't it?

Frankie: Of course! As long as you adults really understand us and can see things from our perspective, you can communicate.

Mom: Social psychologists say that good communication needs the efforts of both sides. Only when both sides can see the world from each other's perspective can communication proceed smoothly. It seems that social psychologists are wrong.

Frankie: That's not true. The psychologist is right. Of course, communication requires mutual understanding. It's not that our children don't want to understand adults. We know that you love us, care about us and do us good. We understand these reasons. However, when we encounter some things and find that you adults don't understand us, we are particularly angry. There is no other way but to say that we are partial to the west. In fact, we don't think the west is right, but we just express our anger that you don't understand us. Hehe ... you adults always say that our children born after 1980s and 1990s are increasingly unruly and rebellious. That's what you said.

Mom: That's what I said. Many parents and teachers of adolescent children are very uneasy about their children's rebellion.

Frankie: Is rebellion really that terrible?

Mom: Adolescence refers to the critical period of life from childhood to adulthood. Adolescence is not only the rapid growth of the body, but also the development of various organs of the human body gradually matures. With the physiological changes in adolescence, the psychology of adolescents has also changed accordingly, especially the rebellious psychology of adolescent children. In other words, rebellious psychology is the psychological characteristic of teenagers entering adolescence. At this time, teenagers have their own views on many things in life. When their parents' understanding is different from their own, they often show impatience. With the increase of difference and frequency, "the more you say left, the more I say right;" The more you talk about the East, the more I talk about the West.

However, as you just analyzed, from a certain point of view, the so-called adolescent rebellious psychology is just a way to look at children's growth from the perspective of parents. In terms of psychological development, everyone has a certain degree of rebellious psychology. If we face it calmly and correctly, this special growth period can be passed smoothly. As long as you can correctly understand this mentality and consciously adjust yourself, there is really nothing to be afraid of.

Frankie: Is reverse phenomenon a patent for adolescent children?

Mom: Rebellion is not a patent for adolescent children. Regarding rebellious psychology, the psychological explanation is: "rebellious psychology is a psychological activity when the objective environment does not match the needs of the subject, that is, it has a strong rebellious psychology." In other words, rebellious psychology refers to the social attitude of showing strong resistance when the object does not meet the needs of the subject. The essence of teenagers' rebellious psychology is to highlight the needs or dignity of the subject (self) and the independence, autonomy or existence value of the self; Instead, it shows disobedience to others. After puberty, children's physiological and psychological changes are similar to weaning. Weaning means that the baby is completely out of the mother's body. Because of the drastic and complete cessation of breastfeeding, children have fallen into insatiable anxiety, which is the "first crisis" in life. When a child enters adolescence, it means psychologically getting rid of dependence on his parents. This sharp and thorough psychological "weaning" will also bring them temporary anxiety. So there was emotional excitement and riots, which was the "second crisis" of life. After the "second crisis", people can gradually get rid of their parents' guardianship and develop into an independent and complete person. Therefore, adolescence is called the "second crisis" of life.

Psychologist Tom Leeds believes that childhood is an "external acquisition era" and adolescence is an "internal acquisition era". Due to the emergence of sexual instinct, teenagers gradually turn their attention to their own interior. At the beginning of adolescence, they often worry that they can't master this change, and their calm hearts in childhood are disturbed and fall into denial and anxiety characterized by resistance, indifference, rudeness, neglect and changefulness. They have adopted a "negative" attitude not only to the outside world but also to themselves. Therefore, adolescence is also called "denial period" or "resistance period".

In short, adolescence is a period of great changes in all aspects of human body and mind, and it is also a period of vigorous energy, wide interests and full of illusions about life. Physiologically, the body develops rapidly and matures; Psychologically, it is the gradual awakening of the spirit. This time difference between body and mind has brought sharp, complex, extensive and profound psychological contradictions and psychological turmoil. Therefore, adolescence is the most critical turning point in life.

Frankie: Why are adolescents so rebellious?

Mom: In a sense, treason is a problem in the process of human development.

Rebellious psychology is not an abnormal phenomenon. It is a normal psychological process because parents and children have different values. Children have a strong rebellious attitude, mainly for four reasons:

The first is rebellious psychology. Once a person holds a negative attitude, he will also hold a negative attitude towards his views and actions. For example, teachers always criticize underachievers, and underachievers may not listen to their teachers and have rebellious mentality.

The second is extreme psychology. Adolescent children lack social experience and knowledge. They look at the problem too simply or even unilaterally, often attacking a little, not as good as the rest, but they are complacent about it.

Third, with the gradual maturity of the human body, the sense of independence is developing. Strong sense of independence, high desire for expression, like to be unconventional, always want to express their unique opinions and make unusual moves to attract others' attention and show their independent personality.

The fourth is the child's curiosity at work. Psychologists believe that when something is banned, it is easy to arouse people's curiosity and thirst for knowledge. Especially in the case of prohibition without any explanation, a strong sense of mystery is more likely to arouse people's speculation. Those film and television advertisements that are not suitable for children are to use the curiosity of teenagers to attract more teenagers to watch. However, many parents don't understand their children's curiosity and exploration psychology, and think that this is fooling around, which can easily cause their children's dissatisfaction.

The fifth is caused by parents' unrealistic expectations. Many parents want their children to succeed and often force them to learn this and that, regardless of their hobbies. This practice will be counterproductive and cause children's opposition.

The sixth reason is that parents are too strict with their children. Some parents think that "you can't make a talent without hard work", and from time to time, they satirize, satirize and even hit their children to stimulate their growth. Therefore, this practice has greatly hurt their self-esteem and often has adverse consequences.

Seventh, it is caused by parents' repeated nagging. Some parents are afraid that their children will not obey and preach again and again. If their children are in a marathon preaching environment for a long time, they will naturally feel bored and rebellious.

Frankie: Hehe ... It seems that as I said just now, the reason for our children's adolescent rebellion is really not our children's unilateral reason!

Mom: That's right. During this period, whether children can develop better depends largely on their parents' education. When children enter adolescence and rebel, what they need most is the tolerance, understanding, help and love of their parents.

Frankie: We children should not always try to go against our parents and teachers, because we are unhappy and uncomfortable, and we don't want to make you angry and unhappy. Of course, you don't want to be angry. However, many times we really can't control it. Can you give some suggestions to solve the problem?

Mom: The problem is caused by many reasons. Let's solve it from two aspects together.

Haven't we always stressed that we parents should find our own reasons? In fact, you children can also find ways to help their parents change their education methods?

Frankie: It's too difficult for us children to change your adults' minds. For example, we are not children now, even more knowledgeable than our parents. We are now in adolescence, which shows that we have begun to transition to adulthood. However, in the eyes of parents, we are still children, still worrying about us everywhere, not letting go, pointing fingers everywhere, and not letting us have our own lives. Sometimes their behavior makes us feel that they are always giving us a hard time. How annoying it is for us! How do you think this situation will change?

Mom: You can try to communicate with mom and dad and find a common language between them, so that we can really realize that you have grown up. Of course, it may not be that simple to change all this, because for more than ten years, parents have become accustomed to putting their children under their own rule and caring for and managing them in a "correct" way that we think we have accumulated in our lives. If we are suddenly left alone, our hearts may be empty and unbearable.

You can find opportunities to "teach your parents a lesson" through concrete examples, so that we can know that you are also an independent and free person, and you should also have your own ideas and life. You should let us know that care and concern can be expressed in many more effective ways, instead of imposing methods on you in detail or rules firmly.

Frankie: Will this work? Students say that you should never tell your parents anything or secrets, only your classmates or good friends, because you can't have the same language as us at all.

Mom: If you want your parents to believe in your ability, you must first believe that your parents also have the ability to change! I believe this will have some effect. Because you and your parents have the same goal, which means we must have the same language.

Frankie: How is it possible that our children and their parents have the same language?

Mom: Although it seems that parents have a bad attitude towards you, in fact, which parents in the world don't love their children? We hope our children can become talents, and you also hope to make a difference in the future. With such similarity, we can find a common language.

Frankie: Theoretically, but I still don't know what to do. Can you give an example?

Mom: Take "personal privacy" as an example. You use diaries, blogs, QQ logs and other ways to record your growth and pour out your worries. Parents also want to know what problems you encountered when growing up, but you didn't tell them. The less you say, the more parents feel that there must be something wrong and they can only find it through improper channels, so things like peeking at your diary and trying to crack your email password are particularly disgusting and hurtful.

If you encounter such problems, don't confront these things directly with your parents, because confrontation can only lead to contradictions and block the possibility of continuing communication. You can aim at solving problems and adopt more skillful methods to make parents realize that you should adopt more acceptable methods to understand children's growth. For example, you can inadvertently tell us an example of how a classmate's parents enlighten us and let us know what kind of parents attract children to like. You can also write down your feelings about your parents peeking at your "privacy" in your blog, and extract the legal provisions on the protection of minors' rights and interests through comments. When we find these contents, we will understand what you mean. We will probably be surprised that you have grown up, so that we can know that you should have your own life.