Difficult to please the mother-in-law, the essence of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the power struggle.

I invited some new friends to have morning tea with me. I was stuck in Bao Yue this morning, and I was not allowed to go out. When I got to that place, I was already an hour late. I sat down and said to everyone, "Sorry, the children won't let me go, so I was delayed from going out."

A friend received "How old is your baby?"

"Almost two years old"

"Who brought it to you?"

"My mother-in-law helped me bring it."

"Did you quarrel?"

Huh? My head was numb for three seconds,

Then he replied, "I'm still struggling, and I don't know how to make her happy." Hearing this, my friend smiled and said, "I'm also thinking about how to make her happy so that I can look after the baby." It sounds as if before I came, everyone was discussing how to get along with her mother-in-law for a while.

Several friends happen to live with their mother-in-law or are living together. Although there is no fierce conflict, there will always be some disappointments in getting along.

1.

If the quarrel is a battle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there is another version that belongs to the invisible struggle. This is a story I heard from several friends: the daughter-in-law will try her best to please her mother-in-law, only to find that her mother-in-law doesn't buy it.

Friend C said: "My mother-in-law can hardly say a good word, buy her delicious food, or take her to an exclusive restaurant, but she can't get a good evaluation." Best of all, it's okay. It's not bad. Many times, I have to say what is wrong with this dish. "

Friend M said, "Last time I took my mother-in-law to a scenic spot, there was a traffic jam at the door. She said we should go back. There is nothing to see. I say we go in and have a look. Finally, I waited for a long time to go in and stroll around, and people gave me an average evaluation, which means that's it. I don't have to drive so hard, which makes me speechless. "

Friend J said, "No matter what you buy her, there is always something she doesn't like. Either something is wrong or the cost performance is not high. This opinion will always come out. "

I wonder if something similar happened between you and your mother-in-law? Have you ever felt wronged, dissatisfied or angry after being rejected? If it were me, I might also think, how could I be ungrateful?

Wait, do I have to please? Why should I invite you? I want to invite you to think about this problem together.

When it comes to pleasing, many readers use psychoanalytic noses to smell, control, buy gifts for their mother-in-law, take them to restaurants and travel, expecting her to be happy after doing these things. As soon as she is happy, she may become a daughter-in-law as we expected. What are our expectations? Let her hand over her son.

Or, she has handed over her son, but we feel guilty. Since the mother-in-law has done so well, we should also be good daughters-in-law. On the one hand, you have to compete with your mother-in-law, on the other hand, you have to do a lot of flattering actions to offset your guilt.

You said it sounded like you were making a deal with your mother-in-law. That's right. If we care too much about whether the mother-in-law's reaction after receiving the gift meets expectations, it shows that our relationship with her mother-in-law is utilitarian.

Once the relationship is utilitarian, it will care about gains and losses.

I want to be a mother-in-law in the future. If I think my daughter-in-law is too hard on me, my instinctive reaction is to refuse, and then a voice comes out: "You can't take my son", accompanied by crying.

From the mother-in-law's point of view, it is completely normal not to buy your flattery.

2.

Looking deeper, the mother-in-law showed the unhappiness and anxiety of being abandoned.

Think about what it feels like to live with our mother-in-law. Many times, after we have children, we will let our mother-in-law take care of them. Moreover, in many families, when the mother-in-law comes alone, the family members become the pattern of mother-in-law, husband, wife and children. My mother-in-law has easily felt like an outsider. What she may face many times is that she naturally feels excluded from the relationship. This anxiety prompted her to do some actions between her son and daughter-in-law to brush her sense of existence.

At this time, if you want to make her happy, she can't be happy.

Being happy means that she acquiesces in your happiness. If she is unhappy, then you can't get away with it, making everyone less happy. Through it, you will also remember each other. For example, at the beginning, the reason why friends had such problems in their hearts was because their mother-in-law was unhappy. If her mother-in-law is happy, she may put her mother-in-law down.

Ceng Laoshi summed up this family state in one sentence: Pain is to be together, but happiness leads to separation.

Many people feel that they are talking nonsense when they hear this sentence. Why don't their families want each other to be happy? Can you imagine whether you miss your parents more when you are happy or when you are in pain? Also, do you know that your parents miss them more when they are happy, or do you miss them more when you know that your parents are in pain?

3.

To understand this problem, you can talk about your mother first, not your mother-in-law.

A tourist told me that she just graduated this year and joined the work. The Mid-Autumn Festival company distributes moon cakes as holiday benefits, and the address provided can be mailed directly to her home. She felt very good after listening to it. She also works for her family, so she called her mother to confirm her home address. After listening to this, she didn't want to say anything and said, "There's no need to send it at home. Too much trouble. Help yourself. " The tourists are very satisfied.

Mother-in-law is not easy to please, and neither is mother-in-law. Their similarity lies in that they refuse our kindness, and they give it the meaning of return; At the same time, they refuse to accept the happiness of goodwill and prevent their children from flying away confidently.

Understand why your mother can't be pleased, but also be aware of your feelings and see why you are obsessed with pleasing your mother.

She felt angry the moment the visitor dropped his mobile phone. She was angry at why her efforts were not recognized by her mother. There is fear behind her anger, fear that her mother will deny her, and fear that she will be threatened in front of her mother.

4.

I think of a friend's grandmother, who lives in a friend's mother's house for the elderly. Her other children, that is, her aunt and uncle, come to see her every holiday. She said that every time she met an aunt or uncle sitting next to her grandmother, she would ask with concern, "Mom, how have you been recently?" Grandma will sigh, bow her head and say feebly, "What can you do?" ? That's all. "

But in fact, when Uncle Menstruation didn't come to see my grandmother, she was full of energy, chatting happily with Menstruation at home, watching TV and reading books.

My friend said that I get angry every time I see my grandmother in this state, as if my mother didn't take good care of her. Let her tell the other children happily that I am doing well. Why is it so difficult?

After listening to this, I found this grandmother cute and sad. Because of the social and historical background of grandma's growth, she just learned this way to attract children's attention, that is, to put herself in pain. It's hard for her to realize this in her life. Even if there is, we may not choose to do so, which may break her psychological balance and self-protection formed over the years.

Pain keeps us together. Looking back on our modern history, it is difficult for us to enjoy the happy time together. Most of our inner experiences are the same pain, which is accumulated from generation to generation.

In addition, our traditional culture tends to merge and does not advocate separation, so separation will also be experienced as a negative feeling.

History and culture make us subconsciously afraid to enjoy happiness with close people. That's weird. It also means separation.

5.

Back to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the essence of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a power struggle. What kind of power struggle is it about? This is a struggle about where men belong.

Don't forget the reason why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law exists. Because of the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is established because of the role of husband. So once there is a problem in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you can judge that there is a problem in the relationship between husband and wife without hesitation.

Why not mother-child relationship? Of course, it is also possible that the problems of family of origin's husband and her mother brought this new family, which will also affect the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. But this is not our main concern. What we are most concerned about is the first-order relationship in this new family, that is, the relationship between husband and wife.

If the husband has the same consciousness and the relationship between husband and wife is the first in this new family, then the problem of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be solved by half.

If the husband is active and needs to stay between his mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, rather than escape, then the problem of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be solved by half, because I see that many problems in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are due to the absence or avoidance of her husband, which leads to an open space between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which is prone to various projections and conflicts.

We can fully mobilize my husband's functions by ensuring that he is consistent with our consciousness without avoiding it:

Speaking of pleasing my mother-in-law, give up my control and let my husband do it. Most of the services my son bought for my mother, or the services he did for my mother, will still make my mother happy.

Let my husband do all the other housework, and we will use our energy for my mother-in-law. The principle is to always invite your husband to stay in the middle position.

Of course, whether the husband realizes it or not, whether he is in his own position or not, seeking his own growth is the first. After all, what is more important than the relationship between husband and wife is yourself.

For example, read this essay at this time, study consciously at ordinary times, or listen to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law that Ceng Laoshi said.

Today I use this little scene to discuss an aspect with you. On the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, Ceng Laoshi's audio class has a more comprehensive and in-depth explanation for you who are looking forward to personal growth.

Mother-in-law is hard to please, husband is hard to please, please yourself.