My aunt is a woman and she is pregnant with a girl. Your uncle is a man and of course she is pregnant with a boy.

Introduction: A girl in her 20s asked an unshaven male colleague in the office. Woman: “How old is your child?” Man: “You don’t have a child yet.” Woman: “Then I want one!” Man: “There have to be conditions, right?” Woman: “What conditions are there? You can’t even see the street All the beggars on board have children. "Male: "You must have a wife." Woman:...

1. A woman wants to see the captain and asks the ensign to report... Captain: Are you beautiful? Second Lieutenant: Beautiful. After the woman left... the captain said to the second lieutenant: Your aesthetic sense is really special. Ensign: I thought that was your wife... The captain sighed: That's my wife!

2. A few beggars were chatting... One said: The price of oil and rice has been rising recently, and people in the city are worried... The other said: It would be better for us to live a better life, and we don’t have to buy rice or oil. He didn’t pay rent either... At this time, one person quickly covered his mouth: Keep it down, if they hear it, they will all want to be beggars...

3. The poster works hard to sell car insurance, and every time he follows The customer pretended to be generous and it was fine. Then the brother compared and compared. He should be cautious. In fact, he was shouting in his heart, damn, he still considered it! Choose me! Choose me!

4. My husband is a super football fan. Once when I went to eat, there was a dish called "Chinese Football" on the menu, and my husband ordered it. After the dish was served, I saw it was "stinky tofu and stewed pig's trotters". The taste is good, but my husband’s face is not very good...

5. "Husband, do you love me?" "Yes," "How much," "Very much," "How much do you love me?" ?” “I love you very much,” “I love you very much, how much do you love me?” “I peeled an apple for you while I was answering your question,”

6. Once with my best friend. When you go to KFC to eat, you go through the main entrance, which has two doors. My best friend muttered that it was so troublesome to have a meal. When I was leaving after dinner, my best friend pulled me and walked to the side door. I asked inexplicably: Why do you have to go here? My best friend said naughtily just to push the door one less time.

7. I saw a group of people watching at the street corner. When I went in, I saw that they were watching two old men playing chess, including several dogs lying down here. Just when everyone is melancholy about what to do next. Drama occurred. A puppy got up, didn't know if it was hungry or something, walked to the chessboard, and sniffed a pawn on the side with its mouth. and pushed. The movements were done in one go and just right. Moreover, it was a good chess move, and the onlookers and chess players all applauded. What the hell, a divine dog!

8. In our unit department, I have always maintained a Guinness record of my own unit, that is, I only worked for 8 months after graduation, and I fell out of love thirteen times! No one has broken it yet... Should I be proud or frustrated?

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10. A student is late for class. Lao Shi: Why are you here so late? Student: I met a robber on the road! Lao Shi: Oh my God, are you okay? Student: I have nothing to do, it’s just that he took away my homework...

11. I am going on a business trip with my boss tomorrow, so he asked me to go to the office to talk about some precautions, and I should use the computer to search for some When I was paying attention, Baidu automatically popped up an entry "Virgin's virginity", and my anus suddenly tightened. Do you have to go on a business trip with your boss tomorrow?

12. The supermarket radio suddenly sounded: Someone’s child is lost. A 5-year-old boy wearing a blue shirt and black pants, please go to the service area to claim him... I saw a woman next to him saying something to his husband Said: While someone is helping to watch the children, let’s buy some food quickly...

13. When I went shopping with my friends, there was a starling hanging in front of a store. My friend thought it couldn't speak. I said to it out of boredom: "hello". Unexpectedly, that guy replied directly to my friend: "Hey, he's a little kid, he can also speak Japanese language." A group of us were very happy. ,,,,The owner of this house must be too idle.

14. One day I skipped class to play games and didn’t get home until after seven o’clock in the evening... I was wandering in front of the house, thinking about how to lie... Suddenly I heard someone talking to my parents, and I thought: Come home. If we have guests, my parents won't ask about skipping classes. So I opened the door and entered the house, and it turned out to be Lao Shi... and then my butt became swollen!

15. Husband: Wife, buy a mink (fur coat). Wife: Don’t buy it. Husband: Wife, buy a mink (fur coat). Our family is not short of this little money. Wife: Don’t buy it, there’s nothing to feed it.

16. Do you have a friend like this? You go out to eat with him, and there are a few beautiful girls sitting next to you. Then, he starts to have attacks. The specific manifestations are: the tone of voice becomes higher and the voice changes. Big, dancing and salivating! What disease is this? It's like pretending not to know him!

17. I went to buy steamed buns in the morning and there were three left. I deliberately bought only two. The boss said: Forget the last one and give it to you. Then I went home to show off to my wife how I saved money. The next day I found that my house was almost full of steamed buns. I saw my son and said: Dad, I followed your example and bought steamed buns. I went to the steamed bun shop and asked how many steamed buns there were. The boss said: 281, so I bought 280. The boss gave me the remaining steamed buns without saying a word.

18. One day, Xiao Ming’s mother asked Xiao Ming, you are 30 years old, how many girlfriends do you have, and you are looking for one to get married. How many girlfriends do you plan to find before getting married? Xiao Ming replied calmly: Let's wait until all 12 zodiac signs are collected...

19. 5-year-old Xiao Ming chatted with 4-year-old Xiao Hong. Xiao Ming said: My aunt's belly has become so big now. My mother said she was pregnant and it was a girl. Xiaohong said: My uncle’s belly has become very big now. So he's pregnant too, but I don't know if he's having a girl or not. Xiao Ming: No need to ask. My aunt is a woman and she is pregnant with a girl. Your uncle is a man, so of course she is pregnant with a boy!

20. I was on a blind date with a woman that day. I saw that she was tall and bloated, which was not my ideal look. Just pay the bill and get up. Unexpectedly, the woman asked: "How do you feel about me?" I said: "It's almost the same as the first stage of pregnancy." The woman said: "Damn, do you dislike me for being fat?" I said: "No, wait for you You’ll understand when you’re pregnant.”

21. The fat girl acted coquettishly to her boyfriend: I accidentally fell and it hurt... Boyfriend: How could that happen? Even if it falls, it will bounce back!

22. The bus is extremely crowded! I couldn't bear it, so I shouted: If I keep squeezing, my hand will be squeezed into other people's bags! Many people immediately distanced themselves from me, which made me feel comfortable.

23. Yesterday, I went shopping with my best friend and bought some juice. While waiting in line, an aunt cut in line and stood in front of me (I usually hate people who cut in line and are disorderly), so I rolled up my sleeves and got ready. Chatted with aunt for a few words. Suddenly my best friend grabbed me and whispered: Baby, calm down, don’t quarrel with the aunts, maybe one of them will be my future mother-in-law, even if it’s not a mother-in-law, she might be a relative or something, be reserved, be reserved, don’t It will influence me to get married, be good!

24. Xiao Ming cried and said to his mother: My little turtle is dead. Mom said: Even if you don’t cry, mom will buy you toys and delicious food. Xiao Ming turned from sadness to happiness. At this time, the mother saw the little turtle move and said: The little turtle is not dead.

Xiao Ming cried and said: Mom, can I kill it?

25. I have just joined the company as an intern. This is the background... Today at the work-hour balance discussion meeting, I watched a table of red-faced people arguing about the rectification plan. I suddenly felt like I was back in college again. In the advanced mathematics class, the teacher and the top students had a heated discussion, and then came up with several solutions, and I sat there dumbfounded, thinking to myself, what the hell is this, what the hell is this? !

26. The young man was very stingy, so he thought of a way... When he went to his girlfriend's house for the first time, the young man sighed: I originally bought a watch to give to you, but I didn't expect it to be stolen on the bus! What bad luck! The girlfriend said regretfully: Be more careful in the future... The young man immediately replied: Yes! The thief is so disgusting! I won’t bring anything with me next time. Let’s see what else the thief steals!

27. I was visiting my sister in the hospital with my best friend. Her sister just gave birth to a daughter yesterday. My best friend was holding the little baby and was so happy that she forgot about herself: Haha, I am an aunt! Hi! baby! I'm your aunt! Your aunt! I'm your aunt! ...The whole ward was quiet... After a few seconds, the guy reacted and muttered: Hey! ...I am such an aunt.

28. Girl, not yet married! One day, my sharp mother and I said: "I don't want to get married!" Sharp mother said: "How can I get the money (gift money) back if you don't get married!?~

29. I like a person Boy, he doesn’t like me, send him a text message~~~ Me: Do you want to get rich? I’ll tell you a secret. He: Yes, just don’t tell me to sell your kidney. Me: Marry me and then treat me like a piece of cake. Baby, you will be rich! He: Dizzy!

30. Last night, the poster was riding the tram home from work. A car came from the opposite direction with its high beam on. It was completely dark and I couldn’t see anything. ! I honked the horn but he ignored me! There happened to be an old lady walking in front of me. Fortunately, I braked in time and just touched her! I can't see anything either!

Editor's Note: Before the big exam, the teacher held a pep rally and lectured on the importance of the exam, and reiterated: "Cheating should be punished, and failing the exam is a shame." "Therefore, all students should dance like a chicken and study hard. The first- and second-grade students said quietly: "Teacher, don't you know this? ‘A scholar can be killed but not humiliated’! "Man, you can't beat a woman

1. Wife: Let's have three children in the future.

Husband: Alas, two are enough.

Wife: Three!

Husband: No, two!

Wife: I said three!

Husband: After giving birth. I will sterilize the second one!

Wife: Well, I hope you love the third child as well

2. There is only one repairman in the house. A very sexy woman.

The maintenance man kept looking at the woman while repairing the TV.

After the repair was completed, the woman said to the maintenance man: I have an embarrassing request. Can you promise me?

The maintenance man felt something vaguely. Fuck him.

You see, you are a man, and I am a woman. In fact, I noticed your strong body as soon as you came in.

The man’s saliva is almost dripping, he can’t wait. Said: Let’s get started!

You are so happy! The woman replied happily: My new refrigerator is at the door, so please help me move it in! 3. Female: There must be a woman behind a successful man.

Male: What about a failed man?

Female: There must be too many women!

4. After marriage, my wife, who was originally very diligent, showed her true colors. I saw my wife lying lazily on the bed and ordering me to do this and that. Although I obeyed, I felt very depressed.

After a long time, I couldn’t help but complain a few words. My wife heard this and started arguing with me:

It’s a shame that you are still a literary person, you haven’t heard of it. Are women like water and men like steel?

Of course I was not convinced and argued: You are a chemical engineer. You should know that water and steel will react chemically, right?

What kind of chemical reaction can it produce? My wife glared arrogantly.

Over time, no matter how good the steel is, it will rust! I argue with reason.

My wife jumped up from the bed, pointed at my nose and roared: Can’t you make a stainless steel one? ! Talk about love when you are in a bad mood: When a man cries, it means he is in love; when a woman cries, it means she has given up

1. Maybe if you leave, you will never come back; maybe if you come back, you will no longer let me depend on you ;Perhaps dependence is the greatest harm to myself; perhaps the harm will finally make me let go; perhaps letting go is destined to leave me...

2. We meet each other with broken hearts, and the sky is worried Fate is sad. Take pity on me, the world's sorrows and joys, the beautiful memories of the world continue.

3. I had known that being with you was destined to be endless melancholy, but I didn’t know how to take back my feelings. A story that cannot be told, a beautiful encounter, love is an intoxication without regrets.

4. Ending is not the answer we want. Loving you well is my biggest wish, and you are my only one!

5. How could I fall in love with you? I am asking myself , I can give up anything, but you find it difficult to leave today. Maybe you never thought that my heart would hurt. If this was a dream, I would stay drunk and never wake up.

6. If we are destined to pass each other in this life, then I deeply wish you happiness forever. Then put away all the little affection and look forward to meeting you in the next life.

7. Stop thinking about you, stop loving you, let time fly by quietly, erase our memories, and never think of your name from now on.

8. I can feel moved, but I cannot move you; I would like to pray to heaven and earth, and pray that happiness will always be with you.

9. When they are in love, men compare women to stars, birds, angels and other things related to the sky. When they break up, men take the sky as their own and put the woman they loved back into the world. Go up to the ground.

10. I always stare at those homeless people who are rising and falling

11. Because of you, I was once happy; because of you, I was confused; because of you, I have been hurt; because of you, I...

12. Love, it turns out to be easy, just put you in my heart gently; love, it turns out to be not easy, it just can't reach your heart.

13. Emotions are in arrears, love has been shut down, promises are empty, trust has been shut down, care cannot be connected, beauty is not in the service area, everything is suspended, life is completely frozen!

< p> 14. The sound of the cello is like a river. The left bank is the memories that I cannot forget, the right bank is my bright years worth holding on to, and what flows in the middle is my faint sentimentality year after year!

15. The fire of love should not be rekindled. Rekindled, those beautiful memories of the past will disappear. If we had not reunited, maybe I would have lived with his deep thoughts until my body decayed; however, at this moment, I hated him. All the good days are far gone.

16. Love after loss is even more precious! But how much love can come back? When love comes back, I will add a time limit to him, not long, just for this lifetime.

I still keep my eyes open when night comes, because I see the traces you left in the moonlight.

17. We must know how to cherish and protect everyone around us. Because of the broken necks and looking back in the past life, we have met in this life.

18. You have to find the joy of life by yourself. No one has the obligation to do anything for you or to please you.

19. Romance is a kind of self-cultivation and the style of life. No matter you are married or unmarried, no matter what your age, you should always maintain a girlish romantic feeling.

20. In this city, I believe there must be someone who thinks about the same thing and has similar frequencies. He has arranged to meet me at a lonely exit of a certain station. Remember. You are a girl, and hard work is your symbol

1. The most terrifying thing in life is to live with regrets.

2. Like reading is equivalent to changing the lonely time in life into a moment of great enjoyment.

3. This world is not designed for anyone. Learn to grasp the things you can change and learn to accept the things you cannot choose.

4. If this person doesn’t set off small fireworks in your head, make your heart melt with popping candies, and make your body burst into ice, then maybe it really isn’t love.

5. Remember that you are a girl, hard work is your symbol, self-confidence is your capital, and smile is your symbol. What you have to fight for is not to compromise in front of a man and let him see your efforts. , but work hard and wait for the man who gets down on one knee and puts a ring on your ring finger a few years later. If you want others to love you, you must first love yourself.

6. The so-called glorious years are not the shining days later, but the paranoia about your dreams when no one cares about them.

7. Who in this world understands less truth than others. More and more, I feel that the so-called "sensible" is not how thick the collection of life philosophy is in your hands, but how strong your ability to control emotions and behavior is. Emotional stability is simply awesome. No matter who knows better, who can stop better or who can wait better.

8. You must remember those who hold umbrellas for you in the heavy rain, those who help you block foreign objects, those who accompany you silently in the dark, those who make you laugh and cry with you, and you People who chat with you all night long, people who visit you in the car, and people who see all the scenery with you and take you around. They don't need more, and they don't need more. Three or five people are enough to make you look up at the stars and miss people when you are confused.

9. The best feeling is: no fear. There is no fear of loss, no fear of pleasing, no fear of doubting love, no fear of not being seen, no fear of hiding, no fear of the future, no fear of external interference, no fear of suppressing compromise. Without fear, you can fully accept what is given, and love will only accumulate when you are safe and relaxed. He can be him, and you can still be you. You are pure peace with each other.

10. Sometimes you can’t blame the other person for being bad, you can only blame yourself for thinking too well of the other person.

11. Don’t bow your head, or your crown will fall off; don’t cry, or the bad guys will laugh; don’t sob, or your parents will feel pain. Women must lose weight well, take good care of their skin, and make good money. When you are thin and good-looking, and your wallet is full of hard-earned money, you will suddenly realize that you have no time to worry about gains and losses, no time to guess, no time to speculate on others. If you bloom, butterflies will come. If you are wonderful, God will arrange it. ——To all the strong women!

12. Someone once said: "When cold water is poured on you, you should boil it and throw it back." But it would be better to be a person like Lime. The more cold water others pour on me, the more I Life becomes more exciting! Run forward, for the beauty in your heart, and do not compromise until you get older.

13. If you expect too much from something, you will lose. If you pay too much for a relationship, you will be tired. If you wait for a person for too long, you will feel pain. Remember, there are no difficulties in life that you cannot overcome, and there are no people in life that you cannot live without. If you are not cherished and no longer important, learn to turn around gorgeously. You can cry and feel distressed, but you cannot despair. Today's tears will be your growth tomorrow; today's scars will be your strength tomorrow.

14. I saw a sentence: It is enough to scratch off a word "thank you". The same is true for love. There is no need to scratch the words "thank you for your patronage" completely before letting go.

15. If you are sad, just look up at the sky and forget about it. It is so big and can accommodate all your grievances.

16. Before every glimmer of dawn, there must be a long suffocating night; before every glory comes, there must be too many embarrassing moments and days of being looked down upon; before every burst of applause comes , there are always too many sighs and too many cold looks; on the top of every mountain, there are always shells; every vast sea is the mulberry field of the past.

So every time you are about to give up, remember to say to yourself: Keep going, don’t cry.

17. Time is a wonderful thing. It can forgive the unforgivable and the past that has been unforgivable. Maybe I occasionally want to go back to the previous time, but I know that people must always learn to look forward.

18. Sometimes people are so strange. They won’t say a word even after being greatly wronged, but they burst into tears when they hear words of comfort.

19. From today on, cheer up, don’t waste time, don’t waste time, be indifferent to joy and anger, take major events lightly, and live every day of your life with hard work.

20. Life will always give you a second chance, called tomorrow.