Excerpts from children's personality education

Alfred adler, Austrian psychiatrist. Founder of individual psychology, pioneer of humanistic psychology and father of modern self-psychology. Together with Freud and Jung, they are called "the three great psychologists of the 20th century".

Children's Personality Education is one of Adler's representative works, and it is also a classic to help adults understand children's psychology and shape children's personality. Since its publication, it has had a great influence on parents, teachers and children all over the world. Adler believes that a person's personality structure is formed in childhood, and to solve a person's personality psychological problems, we must start from his childhood. Therefore, helping children to form a normal and healthy personality is the primary and core issue in educating children.

In this book, Adler reveals the psychological mechanism of children's personality formation, and answers how children view external stimuli, how to deal with them to achieve their own goals, how to reduce inferiority and how to pursue superiority.

The core content of this book is how to interpret the psychological motivation behind children's behavior, and then guide children to face the challenges of growth in the right way.

Modern developmental psychology proves that children's personality has been basically constructed at the age of five. After that, the development of the whole life is just the repetition and adjustment of this personality model. Childhood personality lays the foundation for children's lifelong development. Therefore, children's personality education is of great significance to every parent, child and family.

The book "Children's Personality Education" that we are going to talk about in this issue is one of the representative works of alfred adler, the father of individual psychology, and also a classic work to help adults understand children's psychology and shape children's personality. Since its publication, it has had a great influence on parents, teachers and children all over the world. In this book, Adler reveals the psychological mechanism of children's personality formation, and answers how children view external stimuli, how to deal with them to achieve their own goals, how to reduce inferiority and how to pursue superiority.

I interpret the core content of this book for you in three parts: the first part, the unity of personality and four main lifestyles; The second part, the causes and correction methods of "problem children"; The third part is how to guide children to form a good personality.

Let's talk about the first part, the unity of personality and four main lifestyles.

Generally speaking, "personality" in psychology is "personality". Everyone has his own unique and relatively fixed personality. The attitude and behavior of the same person may be different on different occasions, but behind these different behaviors, the true "personality" as an individual, that is, the "personality" as the saying goes, is always stable and has obvious tendencies.

Generally speaking, people are used to thinking that something has happened to a person. However, Adler pointed out that the foundation of personality construction is not based on objective reality, but on this person's subjective view of facts. In other words, it is not the fact itself that determines each of us' thoughts and behaviors, but our views and understanding of the facts.

It seems reasonable for A to see the same thing this way, and it seems reasonable for B and A to have completely different opinions. Everyone will understand their environment according to the facts they see, find their best solution, and form their own personality model, that is, personality foundation. Adler's theory has also been recognized in the field of modern psychology and has become one of the basic concepts in the field of psychology.

Everyone's world has undergone their own subjective processing, and there are some distortions and illusions. Therefore, individual psychology believes that the explanation of individual behavior must be related to this person's life background in order to objectively evaluate this individual's personality tendency. Only by combining his personality tendency can we gain insight into the real psychological motivation behind specific behaviors. This is especially true for children. Every child's behavior is not single, but the expression of children's overall life and personality. Adler called this phenomenon "the unity of personality".

In Education for Children, Adler put forward this concept, which is of great significance to understand children's behavior. Before Adler, there was no so-called "unity of personality" in the field of psychology. Many schools of psychology make psychological diagnosis based on single behavior. People are used to treating a certain behavior as a specific psychological expression, as if it is an independent whole, and then making a formulaic explanation of this behavior according to a template, and then adopting a formulaic solution accordingly.

This theory is still widely used in today's educational methods. Parents and teachers who lack understanding of children's psychology especially trust this method, thinking that the trick of "disciplining children" lies in mastering some button-type switching skills. When you press this button, you can turn on or off a child's behavior, so you can see convenient answers everywhere on the Internet, such as "What if the child doesn't eat?" "What if the child doesn't do his homework?" But it turns out that finding a way to solve a child's abnormal behavior in isolation, without considering the specific environment in which the child grew up, can not solve the problem, but may cover up or even aggravate the child's wrong cognition, leading to worse results.

For example, an only child who has been favored at home since childhood may have a series of problems at school: he can't finish his homework independently, make trouble in class, play tricks on his classmates and so on. If children can't finish their homework according to a single behavior, they may be considered stupid, making trouble in class may be considered as provoking teachers, and playing tricks on classmates may be considered as malicious and bad character. If we follow this line of thinking, schools should strictly control children. If we can't control it, we can only ask parents to take it back and forbid their children to go to school.

However, if we look at this question with Adler's "personality unity" theory, the answer may be different.

The reason why children have these problems is that their ability has not improved with age, but has been taken care of by infants and young children, so they lack independent ability and don't know how to handle their own affairs, including not being able to finish their homework by themselves. On the other hand, he is used to being noticed and needs to be noticed anytime and anywhere. When he feels neglected, he seeks attention through annoying methods such as being undisciplined, causing trouble and playing tricks on his classmates, even though it will lead to criticism from teachers and ridicule from classmates. In fact, the root of all this child's bad behavior is that he has a wrong life goal: at the age of a student, he wants to be taken care of like a baby.

After understanding the theory of "the unity of personality", parents and schools will know what to do in the face of such children: not to stop and punish their behavior, but to give them understanding and encouragement, to help them gradually learn to handle their own affairs independently, to improve their self-care ability, to help them attract the attention of others in the right way, and to strive for their sense of existence; Guide children to correctly adjust their life goals according to their age and growth needs. It is not punishment, but encouragement and concrete help, so that children have the courage to change and grow up gradually.

According to Adler's personality development theory, the child in this case is a typical "demanding type". Adler believes that when a person grows to about 5 years old, his inner personality is basically stereotyped.

Different types of personality show four different lifestyles:

First, dominant-dominant type. This is a particularly overbearing type. It has a strong desire to dominate and rule the people around it and needs to control others to show its strength and value. Such people lack social awareness, seldom take into account the interests of others, and do not hesitate to use or hurt others to achieve their own goals.

Second, demand type. Compared with the dominant type, such people are relatively passive. They are more accustomed to relying on others to take care of them and seldom try to solve their own problems.

Third, avoidance type. This lifestyle is similar to the demand type, that is, it does not face the problems in its own life and lacks the confidence to solve them by itself.

Fourth, social interests. People who have this lifestyle can face life with real confidence, be brave in solving their own problems and be good at cooperating with others. They have a strong social consciousness, will actively serve the society and contribute their own strength, and are the most qualified social citizens that Adler thinks. Such people often grow up in a good family, with a friendly and enlightened family atmosphere, mutual help and support among family members, and mutual understanding and respect among people.

Among the above four lifestyles, Adler believes that only the fourth one is correct and suitable for social needs; The first three are maladjusted or wrong. Children with these three lifestyles are likely to become problem children.

Well, this is our first part: Adler's "personality unity" theory and four lifestyles. Adler believes that every behavior of children is the expression of children's whole life and personality; Children's lifestyles are divided into four categories: dominant-dominant, demanding, avoidant and socially interested. Only social interests are healthy, and children with the first three lifestyles may become problem children.

Then enter the second part: the causes and correction methods of "problem children".

Tolstoy famously said that all happy families are similar, and each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. The same applies to the growth of children. Healthy children are almost the same, and children with problems have their own problems. However, children's growth has its own laws, so Adler summed up three main reasons for problem children.

The first main reason is that children have formed a strong sense of inferiority due to physiological factors or family environment.

Inferiority is a common and normal psychological phenomenon. From birth, people instinctively pursue development, strength and perfection, that is, the pursuit of superiority. Why do people have this instinct? It is because we are imperfect that we form a sense of inferiority. In order to reduce inferiority, we pursue superiority. Overcoming inferiority and pursuing superiority are two sides of the same coin. They exist at the same time, which is the power source for individuals to pursue continuous optimization and perfection, and also the internal power to drive personality development. So Adler thinks inferiority is "the motive force of life development".

All kinds of behaviors in the process of children's growth also run through the motivation of overcoming inferiority and pursuing superiority. In children's growing experience, there are many reasons for inferiority: compared with adults, children are at a disadvantage in size and strength; Among children, physical defects caused by illness or other reasons, differences in appearance and physique, competition between brothers and sisters, poverty, and parents' high expectations of their children may all cause children's sense of inferiority and insecurity. At the same time, these feelings will stimulate children psychologically, make them take action, strive for equal status, and try to reduce their inferiority complex by gaining a sense of superiority.

In this process, children may face great risks: first, children who feel vulnerable often try to gain a sense of superiority in the wrong way in order to avoid inferiority; Second, improper guidance by parents may also lead children to go into the misunderstanding of excessive pursuit of superiority.

Let's talk about the children first.

Children who are troubled by inferiority often seem to lack courage. Some children give up on themselves in order to reduce their inferiority complex, while others express themselves in a destructive and uncooperative way. They have one thing in common, that is, they firmly believe that they can't do what they should do well. In order to avoid being ridiculed and criticized for doing something wrong, these children would rather do nothing, or hide in their own fantasy world and try to distance themselves from the real world. These children may form problem children with demanding or avoidant personality.

Other children, in order to cover up their inferiority complex, will overcompensate for superiority. Such a child will be particularly ambitious, and his excessive sense of superiority will make him jealous, show malice and hatred to his competitors, and even show some criminal characteristics, such as hurting or slandering his opponents. Such children often put on a provocative posture and are ready to fight with imaginary opponents at any time. So these children may form a dominant personality.

On the issue of "pursuing superiority in an inappropriate way", parents' excessive expectations of their children are also one of the growth risks of their children. If parents expect too much from their children to get ahead, they will push them too hard, and children will go all out to meet their parents' expectations based on their nature of wanting their parents' praise, but these standards beyond their normal ability will bring great physical and mental pressure to their children. After a long time, children either give up because they can't reach their goals, or they are exhausted because they have to do their best, forming physical and mental trauma.

Moreover, parents who expect too much from their children are often used to comparing their children with other children. Gradually, children will be influenced by their parents and set their life goal as "surpassing others". When they win the game, they will always be alert to their peers; And when their peers succeed or get praise, they tend to get angry. Regardless of success or failure, these children can't enjoy real happiness, and they can't learn to cooperate with others, so it is difficult to form a healthy social interest-oriented personality.

Children with a strong sense of inferiority, whether because of the children themselves or because of the improper guidance of their parents, will always live in the judgment of others and gradually lose their self-guidance if they are not corrected.

For children who are obviously inferior, or who hide their inferiority by making trouble or not cooperating, the first prerequisite for correction is to have a sympathetic and understanding attitude towards them. By encouraging them and establishing a friendly and trusting relationship with them, we can discover their abilities and talents and convince them that through diligence, perseverance and practice, they can get everything they desire. It is necessary for us to explain clearly to our children that progress is not achieved overnight, and it requires courage and persistence. In this way, children will not lose confidence and give up their efforts.

For children who are too ambitious and expect too much from themselves, parents and teachers are advised not to emphasize the final result of their behavior, but to pay attention to the process of their efforts. We need to repeatedly emphasize to children that everything is meaningless to compare with others and guide children to get happiness from learning itself rather than from competition with others. Help them see everyone's advantages and gradually change their habit of belittling others. These children also need understanding and encouragement, so that they can reach a settlement with the environment and life, and finally turn the power used for competition into cooperation with others.

For parents who give their children too high expectations, Adler suggested not to cultivate their children's ambitions, but to cultivate their perseverance, courage and self-confidence in the face of difficulties.

The formation and development of children's lifestyle depends on their life experience and environment. The way to overcome inferiority and pursue superiority is one of the important factors that affect children's personality. If children can be guided to overcome inferiority and pursue superiority in the right way, their growth will become much smoother.

The second main reason for problem children is that parents or primary caregivers spoil their children too much.

The doting on children includes both internal and external aspects. They are too satisfied with children's needs materially and too obedient mentally. This situation is especially common in one-child families or intergenerational support.

Too much material meets children's needs, which is manifested in giving them all kinds of gifts and privileges without limit, doing everything for them, depriving them of the opportunity to learn to handle things by themselves, making them form a "self-centered" attitude towards life like the emperor, ignoring the rights of others, becoming selfish and lacking the ability to cooperate with others; And aggressive. Such children are often a combination of demanding personality and dominant personality.

This over-indulgent parenting style can't make children happy, because there is no suitable way for children to cope with challenges and improve their abilities, and children will become passive, bored and indifferent in this parasitic life. Because I don't know how to control my desires, it is especially difficult to accept when my desires are not satisfied.

To correct such a child, we must first let him get rid of the previously spoiled environment, and then in the new environment, such as transferring to a new school, let him learn to be independent and take care of himself. With the help of experienced and patient teachers, he gradually learned to restrain his desires and establish a boundary between himself and others. School is the experimental field for children's growth. Once a child goes to school, all the problems he has accumulated at home will be presented at school. It is difficult to correct the concept of family education. Generally speaking, this kind of child can only change if he is lucky enough to meet a teacher or companion who can encourage him and help him stand on his own feet.

The third main reason of problem children is that parents ignore or reject their children.

From 65438 to 0959, Harlow, an animal psychologist at the University of Wisconsin in the United States, made a series of experiments on rhesus monkeys, among which the experiments on marmosets and steel monkeys were widely known. On this basis, psychologist Barby put forward the attachment theory. Attachment theory holds that parents should not only provide their children with food, but also provide them with physical touch, emotional communication and companionship, so that children can believe that parents can always protect their sense of security.

It is difficult for children who are neglected in the family to feel safe enough. When you can't accompany and care for your child, the child feels like a completely worthless person. These children will make themselves indifferent to everything, put on the mask of passive indifference, refuse to establish intimate relations with anyone, and when they are in a fierce mood, they will go on the rampage, be unscrupulous, self-harm or even commit suicide.

The same is true of children who are rejected by their parents. They are regarded as a burden and a burden by their parents and live in fear of rejection. These children bear grudges easily and don't trust anyone. All suggestions to promote their progress will be interpreted as bondage and oppression. No matter what adults say, they try their best to resist and envy other children with happy childhood.

It will undoubtedly be difficult to treat these children who grew up in a caring environment, but it is not completely impossible. What we have to do is still sympathize with them, understand their pain of not getting love when they need it, discover their potential talents, inspire their courage, encourage them to learn to face and solve problems, tell them the proper way to get along with others, and cultivate their social feelings.

Adler put forward clear requirements for educators for some problem children who have gone astray and need help. He said: the most important task of educators, or sacred duty, is to ensure that every student does not lose courage and make those students who lose courage regain their confidence through education.

In fact, every child has the instinct to grow up. So Adler advised parents and teachers not to give up their children, no matter how desperate they seem. Encouraging them to gain self-confidence and dignity in what they are good at is like introducing some children who can't pick fruits in one orchard to another orchard where they can, so that they can harvest what they can. These children can achieve their goals in life.

The above is the second part of today's story: the causes of "problem children" and its correction methods. Of course, we don't want any children to become problem children, but we want children to have healthy personality and good social adaptability. How to do this?

Next, let's enter the third part of today: how to guide children to form a good personality.

In ancient times, people's individual viability was very limited. In order to ensure survival, people have to live a social life. Therefore, Adler believes that apart from intelligence, the development of social emotions is the most important factor affecting personality construction, especially in childhood. What kind of way he chooses to develop and grow determines his living condition in the group after he becomes an adult.

In order to help children develop good social feelings and form sound children's personality, we can guide them from four aspects: helping children develop positive self-concept, positive view of difficulties, positive view of others and positive view of the opposite sex.

The first aspect, to cultivate a positive self-concept, is to pay attention to protecting children's self-confidence and sense of self-worth, so that children can believe that they are valuable and popular and can handle their own affairs well. The specific way is: parents and teachers give their children full trust and freedom in their daily lives. When evaluating their behavior, we should affirm their advantages from the perspective of encouragement and avoid too much criticism, which will only cause their cowardice and retreat.

In the process of guiding children, parents and teachers also need to avoid showing their abilities and superiority too much, so as to avoid children's dependence. Gender roles are also an important part of children's self-acceptance Adults need to guide children to recognize and like their gender roles through words and deeds, and avoid children's rejection and resistance to their own gender.

In the second aspect, cultivating a positive view of difficulties refers to cultivating and protecting children's courage to face difficulties. Educators need to provide children with some appropriate challenges to guide them to overcome difficulties and strive for the results they want. It should be noted that these challenges should conform to the characteristics of children's mental growth, neither too difficult nor too easy, so as to stimulate children's enthusiasm and enhance their abilities. In the process of solving problems, educators should not treat children as puppets that can be manipulated, but should allow and encourage children to try to innovate, even if they fail. A child who can face difficulties and properly handle challenges will certainly cultivate the advantages of patience, perseverance, tenacity and meticulousness, and grow into a powerful person.

In the third aspect, cultivating a positive view of others means cultivating children's concern for society, human beings and the environment, encouraging children to care about and understand others, guiding children to put themselves in others' shoes, encouraging children to help their peers, cultivating the quality of being willing to share, helping children to establish fair rules and border awareness, teaching children how to cooperate with others, being willing to accept their fair share in cooperation, and being alert to children's thoughts.

In the fourth aspect, developing a positive view of the opposite sex means that children can deeply understand and recognize the opposite sex while recognizing and accepting their own gender roles, and have a good impression and closeness to the opposite sex, without derogating and excluding the opposite sex and deliberately distancing themselves from the opposite sex.

The above is the third part of today's story: how to guide children to form a good personality. Adler believes that mother is the most important factor in the cultivation and development of children's social emotions. The relationship between children and their mothers in the family will form the basis for the future development of children's relationship with others. If the mother interacts with the child with trust and positive attitude, and gives the child positive and appropriate guidance in the above four aspects, the child will form a good social interest and establish a sound personality.

So much for the book "Children's Personality Education", and so much for today. Finally, here is a brief summary of the essence. We shared three important contents for you:

The first part: Every behavior of children is the expression of children's whole life and personality. When we want to correct and adjust children's behavior, we must first find the deep psychological reasons behind the behavior. This is Adler's theory of "the unity of personality". Adler divided people's lifestyles into four categories: dominant-dominant, acquisitive, evasive and socially interested. Of the four lifestyles, only social interest is correct and appropriate, and the first three are wrong. Children with the first three lifestyles may become problem children.

The second part: the causes and correction methods of "problem children". There are three main factors in the emergence of problem children: children's strong inferiority complex and excessive pursuit of superiority; Overindulgent parenting style; Parents' neglect and rejection of their children. The key point of correcting problem children lies in the understanding and encouragement of parents and teachers. It is the sacred duty of educators to let students who have lost courage regain their confidence through education.

Part III: How to guide children to form a good personality. Adler believes that all our educational rules and methods should be devoted to cultivating children's social adaptability and developing children's social emotions. Mother is the key factor in developing children's social emotions. To help children form a healthy personality, we need to guide them from four aspects: to help children form a positive self-concept, a positive view of difficulties, a positive view of others and a positive view of the opposite sex.

Children's Personality Education, published nearly a hundred years ago, is an introductory reading of individual psychology, which provides a good perspective for understanding the formation mechanism and correction concept of children's personality. Adler put forward effective strategies to cultivate children's healthy personality here: parents should pay attention to the attitude and way of getting along with their children and provide positive emotional support for them; Schools should be places for children's spiritual development; Pay attention to adolescence and sex education; The educational thoughts of these children have had a far-reaching impact on later generations. It is a pity that this booklet is somewhat general and lacks specific guidance on how to correct and rebuild children's personality.

In order to make up for this deficiency, we can refer to Laura E. Berk, a famous American psychologist, who clearly put forward in his Psychology of Burke's Lifelong Development: "People's development is lifelong, and there is no age stage that has the most important influence on the whole life, and the changes in each stage have the same important influence on the future development." I hope these updated knowledge and information will be a good medicine to eliminate anxiety for parents who are misled and intimidated by the flood of "sensitive period" and "childhood determinism"