Why do you always quarrel with your husband (why do you always quarrel with your lover)

Why are two people happy when they are in love and unhappy when they get married? Why do you have deep feelings with a dog for several years, but some people will turn against each other after more than 1 years with their partners? Exaggerated will also face the knife!

7 psychology of love and marriage will help you understand the logic and make your happiness more mellow and lasting! 1. the law of declining happiness

the law of declining happiness means that the happiness people feel about the same thing will be reduced because of the improvement of external environment or material conditions.

For example, if you are in the desert, your mouth is thirsty, you have gone through hardships to find water, and when you drink the first glass of water, you feel so happy that you fly. After drinking the first cup, you feel that the water is sweet and delicious. When you drink the second cup, you feel that the water is cool. After drinking the third and fourth cups, you feel bloated. If you drink any more, you will feel sick.

Drinking too much water, which was originally sweet and life-saving, became a burden.

in emotion, the same is true.

At first, when two people are together, they will feel extremely happy when they eat the worst food, wear cheap goods and wear a straw ring. But in middle age, even if I buy you more gold and silver jewelry, it can't compare with the happiness brought by the original straw ring.

The famous sayings "Marriage is the grave of love", "What you can't get is the best" and "Things are rare" are actually just the law of diminishing happiness at work.

The way to control the law of declining happiness in marriage is to appreciate each other more and explore their advantages.

If you are in the 7-year itch of marriage or tired with your lover, then think about whether the other person has really changed, or whether the law of diminishing happiness is at work.

If the law of diminishing happiness is at work, you should try the following steps:

1. Look at yourself fairly and without emotion

2. Think from the other person's point of view

3. Communicate to find the problem

4. Give the other person a positive evaluation

5. Find the good side from the other person's shortcomings

6. * * * Same progress 2. Lever principle

Lever principle means that two things with different weights are placed on the lever, and their weight is inversely proportional to the distance between their suspension points and fulcrums, so that they can be in balance.

in a nutshell, if you want to achieve balance, you must find a reasonable fulcrum.

this fulcrum is also needed in marriage. And the fulcrum of supporting marriage is happiness. The fulcrum of happiness in marriage is not a big event, but a little bit of care and consideration accumulated in life.

There is a clip in Dr. Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

A friend asked Dr. Covey, "I don't love my wife anymore. What should I do?"

Dr. Covey said, "Then love her!"

The friend said, "You don't understand, I said I don't love her anymore!"

Dr. Covey said, "Then love! Love is an action, not a feeling! "

Many people miss the friend who asked questions in the book and think that love is a feeling rather than an act.

In fact, love is reflected and expressed in some behaviors. You express your love, and the other person accepts it and returns it to you. The feeling of love arises from this.

The principle of leverage tells us that if we want to be happy in marriage, we must learn to maintain balance, that is, to find the fulcrum of happiness.

how to achieve a balance?

1. Take care of yourself: don't ask the other person for the request of a saint, but treat yourself with the request of a bitch

2. Learn to pay: no matter how long you love, don't be stingy with your feelings, materials and time. Paying will not only make the other person happy, but also satisfy yourself.

3. Keep in step: If the opponent flies too fast and you stay put, even if the other person doesn't want to, you will be eliminated.

4. Always talk sweet words or express your feelings: expressing your feelings properly will not only make the other person happy, but also make you richer and more delicate!

5. learn to be silent: when contradictions intensify, you must learn to be silent. Don't communicate nonviolent until your mood is calm. 3. Maslow's hierarchical needs

Maslow's needs point out that respect is a need, which includes personal feelings of self-worth and recognition and respect from others.

Maslow's hierarchical needs are reflected in intimate relationships.

Many couples lose respect after being together for a long time. In front of many people, I scolded my lover, and I didn't give any face. I even felt that I was an old couple, so I didn't want any face.

Some people even laugh at their lover's shortcomings every day, and even flirt in the name of "flirting".

I ended up getting divorced and looking innocent.

between husband and wife, we must learn to respect and regard respect as the most basic way to get along.

so how to respect?

1. Don't compare your lover with others.

2. Don't get angry at will

3. Don't make fun of each other's shortcomings, and don't scold your lover in front of others

4. Don't boss around each other's work and social life. You can make suggestions, but you finally decide to do it for the other person.

5. Hedgehog rule

Hedgehog rule means that hedgehogs try many times to keep warm, and then find a distance that can keep warm without hurting each other.

The Hedgehog Rule emphasizes the "psychological distance effect" in our interpersonal communication.

Everyone's concept, culture and personality are different, so everyone's attitude and communication style are different.

so some people will say "distance makes beauty"!

this is especially true for intimate relationships.

But now many couples demand absolute honesty from each other. Not only should we meet naked physically, but we should also not have a secret in our hearts.

but human nature, how can it exist without self?

San Mao said, "There are many rooms in my heart, and Jose just came in to sit down."

but many people don't understand that it is necessary for a lover to be absolutely honest with himself, so many feelings don't come out alive from the other person's mobile phone.

whatever the relationship, you need privacy and space. Otherwise, even if the other person is absolutely honest with you, you will be tired of it in a few years. Because after seeing through something, it will have no attraction to you, and so will your lover.

The rule of hedgehog is to keep a certain distance from our lover, but on the basis of this distance, we should pay our own care and let the other person feel warm.

6. Romeo and Juliet effect

Romeo and Juliet effect is a relationship. The more obstacles you encounter, the stronger the relationship.

I have a friend who has a very good family condition, is an only child, and looks particularly like Fan Bingbing. As a result, I was chased by a gangster as soon as I graduated from high school. Parents are as good as crazy to beat mandarin ducks. But my friend felt that he had met true love, and later gave birth to a child behind his parents' backs and gangsters.

After giving birth to a child, gangsters don't work, they just loaf around outside all day and do something unprofessional. As a result, I was arrested/left because of online/gambling/gambling.

friends have to go back to their parents. Looking at the daughter who used to be as beautiful as a fairy, now she has become a haggard abandoned wife, and her angry hair is half white.

Actually, at that time, parents should not split up excessively, and my friend might give up after the freshness period; If my friend can also think about whether he was beaten by his parents and deepened his feelings and fell into the Romeo and Juliet effect, the result will be different.

Maybe in the eyes of children, parents' love is old-fashioned and their marriage is not romantic. But old-fashioned parents don't mean they don't understand human nature and life. Their opposition must be their reason, and their consideration is longer than mine. Therefore, in the case that the experienced couple is not accepted by their parents, it is appropriate to separate a little distance and a little time to see each other's quality and then decide the later choice.

how can you see a person clearly?

1. Look at his performance in the face of loss of interest: for example, if you say that he is too calm and excited, it is not advisable. Too calm, either he cares or he has a purpose; Those who are too excited are either too naive or too self-centered.

2. Look at the friends around him: birds of a feather flock together, people are divided into groups, and you can see who he is when you are in contact with.

3. See where he spends his time: people who like learning and study new things will be rich in the future; Those who like games and entertainment must not make progress; If you like to dress up, there will be no shortage of huahuachangzi; Those who like to keep healthy and raise flowers must take care of their families and be soft-hearted.

7. Path dependence principle

Path dependence principle means that after a person makes a choice, the force of inertia will make this person constantly strengthen this choice and make it difficult for him to go out.

this principle is similar to inertia in physics. once something enters a certain path, it will produce dependence.

for example, the standard distance between two modern railway tracks is 4 feet and 8.5 inches (1 inch =2.54cm). Do you know where this number comes from?

this number looks accurate and high-end, but in fact it is based on the width of two horses' buttocks.

Because the early railways were designed by the people who built trams, 4 feet and 8.5 inches is just the standard of track used by trams. And the first person to build a tram built a carriage, so the standard of a tram follows the track standard of a carriage.

and the width of the carriage comes from the width of the ancient Roman army chariot, but why did the Romans use 4 feet and 8.5 inches?

Because the butt width of two horses is exactly 4 feet and 8.5 inches.

It is even more exaggerated that the width of the current rocket booster is also determined by the width of the train tracks.

In life, many habitual theories can be explained by this path dependence principle. Especially in marriage.

Many girls, together with their first love, soon find that their boyfriends have many intolerable shortcomings. But many girls will choose to stay together. As expected, I was very unhappy after giving birth to the child.

A person who chooses one person to get married is equal to choosing the rest of his life. So you should know how to make good use of the principle of path dependence to choose and manage marriage.

From the very beginning, we should choose a right, harmonious and harmonious path. Then operate according to certain standards and models, so that you can easily reap happiness!

Smart people know that marriage is definitely not about two people getting a notebook and then they can live a happy life as a prince and a princess.

Marriage needs experience and more care. Therefore, understand the role of psychological effects in marriage and learn to use these effects to make your happiness more lasting! May you be happy!