Super funny jokes (collection) High scores, please participate. I want useful ones. Thank you

1. A soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: *, what can we do? If you step on it, you will be compensated according to the price.

2. It has been a long time since I received your message and I felt very sad

When I thought about death, I cut my veins with potato chips, hit my head with tofu and jumped over the building with a parachute

If you hang yourself with noodles, you will be dead

Just treat me to a meal to make me die

3. If you feel that your heart is cold and cold, please call My phone number! To talk about love, please press 1, to talk about work, please press 2, to talk about life, please press

3, to introduce someone to me, please press 5, to ask me to eat, please say so, and to ask me to borrow money, please hang up.

4. The giraffe married the monkey. A year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore! Monkey

The monkey was furious: Just leave! Who has ever seen someone climb a tree to get a kiss?

5. Fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time so that I can never leave you." Water said: "I flow all day long and never get tired.

Tiredness is the reason. Surround you and hold you tight." Guo said, "It's almost too late to talk nonsense."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive text message. The elephant defecated in the middle of the road. An ant happened to be passing by. It looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help but sing: Yalasuo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7. You have grown up, and there are some things you should know: the sky is for wind and rain; the earth is for growing flowers and grass

;I am used to prove how great human beings are; you are used to stew vermicelli.

8. When you check in at the railway station but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the train will remind you: wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you are on the river bank but don't have any paper, don't worry, the frog will tell you: stick scrape, stick scrape, stick stick scrape!

9. Money can buy a house but not a home. It can buy marriage but not love. It can buy a clock but not time. Money is not everything

On the contrary, it is the source of pain. Give me your money and let me bear the pain alone!

10. God, it’s too blue! The sea is too salty! Life is so difficult! Work is so boring! I am destined to be with you! Miss you, sleepless! Seeing you

is too far! Alas, what can I do? I miss you so much that I can’t eat with my chopsticks or swallow my bowl!

11. I give you the 12 zodiac signs. I wish you are as smart as a mouse, as strong as an ox, as bold as a tiger, as cute as a rabbit, as confident as a dragon, as charming as a snake

, and as romantic as a horse. , docile as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog, and looks like a pig!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the poop of the gibbon. The gibbon gently and carefully cleaned it and they fell in love

. Others asked how they got together? The chimpanzee said with emotion: Ape dung! It’s all ape dung!

13. The lion and the bear defecated next to a tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree next to his defecation was thicker than the one of the bear

So he said A philosophy full of vicissitudes of life - lion poop is better than bear poop!

14. Think of a number in your mind, add 52.8 to it, multiply it by 5, then subtract 3.9343, divide it by 0.5, and finally subtract it again

Go to the number in your mind Ten times the number, the answer is very romantic!

15. You keep farting loudly in the office, and your colleagues can’t help but ask you if you can keep silent.

Then I saw you sitting there shaking back and forth

and shaking non-stop. I asked you what you were doing, and you replied that I had set it to vibrate!

16. Dear God, please bless those friends who don’t call me, don’t send me text messages, and don’t miss me:

May the Lord keep their mobile phones Fall into the toilet, amen!

17. Legend has it that you are so cruel that you lie down and occupy four seats in the theater. When others ask you to get up, you just grunt and remain motionless

Fang, The security guard came and said: My friend is cruel enough, which way is he from? You gritted your teeth and said, "I fell down from the aisle upstairs!"

18. I miss you, think of you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water and look at you all day long - are you happy?

I’ll pour you a cup of boiling water and scald you to death!

19. Dear user, at this time we have deducted 20 yuan from your phone bill and dedicated it to the cause of Palestinian national liberation. For this reason, the Palestinian autonomous government has decided to use the support of the entire Arab world to I grant you the lofty title: Ben Shalebacki!

20. The beauty of knowledge lies in making people confused; the beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; the beauty of women lies in being stupid

having no regrets; the beauty of men lies in lying. It's like saying hell in daylight.

21. I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you. Whether I care about you is the same as I care about you.

I care about you. I, who care about you, will make you dizzy!

22. Have you heard of it? Five hundred times of looking back in the past life are only exchanged for one brush with each other in this life. For close friends like you and me, it seems that we didn’t do anything in our last life except to look back!

1. Are you having a meeting? Yes, is it inconvenient to speak? Ah, then I say listen, okay, I miss you, oh, do you miss me? Well, you were so mean yesterday, hi.

2. Conversation between the fortune teller and the lady: You are in bad luck. Why? Because you carry a bad omen. Can I take off my bra? No, once you get rid of the bad omen, there will be two big waves in your life.

3. A mentally ill person was lying in bed singing. As he sang, he turned over and continued singing on the pillow. The attending doctor asked him why. Psychotic person: Idiot, of course I have to sing after singing side A. Side B

4. Drunk man: My dear, our house is haunted. The light automatically turned on when I opened the door when I went to the toilet. After peeing, the light went out when I closed the door. My wife yelled: You peed again. In the refrigerator

5. A swimming instructor was outspoken and had a loud voice. One day, he saw a female student in the mall. He said loudly: I really can’t recognize you when you put on clothes!

6. The female teacher’s pants were unzipped during the lecture. A girl stood up and reminded her: Teacher, your door is not closed! The teacher waved her hand: Ignore it, the dean will come to visit later

7. Modern beauty vows: to confuse the mind of a 60-year-old man, to seize the property of a 50-year-old man, to separate his wife and children at the 40-year-old, to break the waist of a 30-year-old man, and to surround me with a 20-year-old man!

8. Early in the morning the day after the wedding, the bride walked out of the bridal chamber in pain, holding one hand on the wall and covering her lower body with the other, cursing: Liar! What a liar! Before getting married, she said she had thirty years of savings, but I thought it was true. Where's the money!

9. The boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a line: those who cross the line are animals. When she woke up and found that the man had really failed to pass the line, the woman slapped the man hard: You are worse than a beast!

10. Under the shade of the trees in the hospital, a pair of lovers were hugging and kissing. A doctor saw this and went over to the man and said, "You are so confused. To perform artificial respiration, you should lay her flat on the ground. Go away and let me do it."

"

11. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! Female The driver was also furious: Let me see where the hell you got the money from!

12. A pair of fly mother and son were having a meal. The son frowned and asked his mother: "Mom, why do we have to eat poop every day?" Mom said: "Don't say such disgusting words while eating, eat it while it's hot!" "

Two ladies were complaining that today's buses are crowded and making them miserable. One said: "I am so unlucky! I was so squeezed in the car that I had a miscarriage. "One said: "I am the unlucky one! I was so crowded in the car that I became pregnant. ”

A man visited a brothel and asked the woman the price. The woman answered: 50 yuan. The man saw it was cheap and did it. The woman said: Please pay 100 yuan. The man asked why. The woman answered 50 yuan for each entry and exit. The man angrily said: You are China Mobile, and you still charge in both directions!

The Beijing-Kowloon Railway opened to traffic, and farmers along the line were watching. A female passenger on the train was on her period, and she still went out of the window after changing the paper. He put it on the face of a farmer. The farmer took it off and said: "Hey, dear, it's quick! A piece of paper can make your nose bleed!"

It was night. The husband was reading on the bed. From time to time he would put his hand into his wife's hand. Between the legs, the wife took off her clothes and acted like a baby. The husband asked: What are you doing? A pair of couplets: The first couplet: nothing to do during the day. The second couplet: nothing to do at night. Horizontal comment: Nothing to do in leisure time! The nun's first couplet: empty during the day. The second couplet: empty at night. Horizontal comment: Any request (ball) will be answered.

Anhui has been famous for its wine since ancient times: when a girl lifts her leg, she drinks Kouzi wine; when a young man lifts his leg, he drinks golden seed wine; when an old lady lifts his leg, he drinks Gujing tribute wine; when an old man lifts his leg, he drinks holy spring beer! You lift his leg and drinks wine from the holy spring! Come on, Sword Man Spring Wine!

The father took his son to take a bath. The floor was very slippery. When the son was about to slip, he grabbed his father's genitals to keep him from falling. The father scolded, "Thank you for coming with me." If you come with your mother, I will beat you to death!

A student studying in the United States came home from a visit and boasted: The American factory has advanced technology. Live pigs are put in and what comes out is sausage! His father was very angry when he saw that he admired foreign countries. Said: Your mother and I are better, I pushed the sausage in, and what came out was a live pig!

The twins were chatting in the mother’s belly. The eldest brother said: Dad is good and often comes to see us. He just doesn’t like us! Hygienic, spit and leave. The second son said: It is better to have the uncle next door. After he spit, he used a bag to put the phlegm away.

A man had not had sex for a long time, and his wife felt very uncomfortable. One day he wanted to The wife took off her clothes and stood in front of the mirror, and she happily complied. He spread her legs, put his chin on her vagina and asked her: Do I look good with a beard?

The condom said to the sanitary napkin: "I I'm really afraid of you. Every time you come to work, I have no business for a week. "The sanitary napkin got angry: "Stop pretending, if you are just a little bit negligent, my business will be gone in ten months."

The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle answered: Yes! Moderator: Give an example! The eagle was in tears: That year, when I was asleep, the cat climbed up the tree...and then there was an owl...

A migrant worker went to the hospital for a check-up because he had difficulty in passing stool. Later, a prescription was given to the man. When the migrant worker went to the place where the medicine was collected, he saw that it was a roll of toilet paper. He was puzzled. The doctor said: Don’t wipe your butt with a cement bag anymore.

An old man in his 70s and a man in his 70s. The young lady died due to excessive excitement during sex. The judge asked the forensic doctor to conduct an autopsy to find out the cause.

The two shit beetles discussed. Welfare lottery, Person A said: If I win the jackpot, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles and eat enough every day! Person B said: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will buy a living person and eat fresh food every day. Yes!

After the bachelor’s wedding, the bride struggled to hold on to the wall and came out, scolding: “Liar, he said he had thirty years of savings, I thought it was money! ! ”

An old man took the bus to the Gaoxia Village to do some errands. On the way, he asked the waitress: Has the climax arrived? The waitress said: Not yet.

After a while he asked again: Have you reached the climax? The waiter said: What's the hurry, old man? I'll scream when the climax comes!

A lady ordered stir-fried whip flowers during her meal. When she was picking up the vegetables, she accidentally dropped it between her legs. The lady was shocked: This thing is really powerful! After it was cooked and chopped, it still came out. Know the way!

A young man saw a beautiful woman on the bus with her collar opened very low, revealing his love, and jokingly said, "It's really a place where peach blossoms are in full bloom." After hearing this, the beautiful woman lifted up her skirt. Said: 'There is still a place where you were born and raised'!

My son has to sleep with his mother every night. His mother said: When you grow up and marry a daughter-in-law, you also sleep with your mother? The son replied: Yes. Mother said : What should you do with your wife? The son said: Let her sleep with dad. After hearing this, dad said excitedly: This child has been sensible since she was a child!

Rooster went on a business trip for a month. When he came back, he heard that Quail was fine and came back. The rooster was suspicious. Two days later, the hen laid a quail egg. The rooster was furious, and the hen hurriedly explained: It was premature!

The village woman reported to the police and said: How embarrassing! I was raped last night. The police asked What does he look like? I didn't see clearly, but he must be a novice, because he couldn't find a place for a long time, and I helped him in in the end.

The girl came home in the middle of the night and was attacked by seven thugs , the aunt stepped forward in times of danger and rescued the girl from being raped. In a radio interview, the aunt said: Actually, she didn’t think about anything at the time. She only thought that this good thing would not come cheap for that little slut!

The head of a poor village introduced the situation of the village: food basically relies on the party, clothing basically relies on spinning, getting rich basically relies on robbing, and getting a wife basically relies on thinking; communication basically relies on shouting, transportation basically relies on walking, public security basically relies on dogs, and sex life Basically rely on your hands!

A butcher was caught visiting a prostitute and was fined 4,000 yuan and issued a receipt. One day, the butcher and his wife found this receipt. They only recognized 4,000 yuan but did not recognize the word "whoring". They asked the butcher: What is the reason for the 4,000 yuan fine? The butcher replied: I am punished by pouring water into my meat!

A certain man was drunk and accidentally entered the women's toilet to vomit. It happened that a woman was urinating. A certain man heard angrily saying: "I said I won't drink, so what?" Still pouring wine? The woman stopped suddenly when she heard the sound, but unexpectedly she choked out a fart. Jun heard the sound and was furious: "Who the hell opened another bottle!"

The gangster broke into the house and raped the woman, but she resisted to the death, and the husband When I came back from the field, I saw my wife being pinned down by a gangster. She picked up a shovel and hit her angrily. I heard my wife curse: "Damn it, I resisted for a long time, and you hit me with the shovel."

The unit leader's summary speech : The reasons why we don’t do our job well are: First, it’s like sleeping as a widow with no one on top; second, it’s like sleeping with a prostitute, with people always changing people; third, it’s like sleeping with your wife, who always messes with her own people

I was arrested on September 28, 1949. On the first day, the enemy beat me severely, but I failed; on the second day, the enemy splashed me with pepper water, but I failed; on the third day, the enemy used a honey trap, but I failed; on the fourth day, I I still want to do it, I’m fucking liberated.

A Japanese woman was taking a bath in a sauna and wanted to find a Chinese hunk to give her a bath. The hunk was rubbing her body and suddenly became aroused and inserted her penis into her vagina. , the Japanese woman was furious: What kind of work are you doing? The macho man said: Rub inside!

In the evening, the fool went to the park and saw a couple having sex, and he liked watching it. The next morning, he saw a man doing push-ups, and his stool became thin. Look, the man was furious: **** what are you looking at! The fool said: You are just ****ing, and you are still doing it after everyone left!

A man found his son bringing condoms with him after work! On the head, he was busy scolding his son. The son said aggrievedly: "We will perform a show tomorrow. Some will play good guys and some will play bad guys. I asked the teacher what should I play?" The teacher said, "You are a fool!"

Two teachers from the history department got married, and they were both married for the second time; after entering the bridal chamber, the woman asked for the first couplet in the first couplet: the night attack on Pearl Harbor, the beauty was frightened (essence); the man had a coincidence: two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany (won) Surrender; horizontal criticism: World War II!

A flea cried out to his companions about his misfortune: I used to live on a man's beard, and then after going through many twists and turns, I finally got to a woman's pubic hair, but I woke up the next morning , I found that the man’s beard was back!

Life, there is always some philosophy... Life is like being raped: either resist or enjoy it; work is like visiting a prostitute: you If it doesn't work, let others do it; society is like masturbation: everything must be solved with your own hands!

Ni Ping went to Mengcheng as a guest and served a beef whip, which tasted very good. Feng Gong asked what it was? Say, the herd

It’s on my body! Niu Qun said, it’s on Feng Gong too! Ni Ping asked: Do I have it on my body? They both answered at the same time: Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.

A fool has been married for half a year and has no children. His father-in-law asked his son if he was doing something, but he didn't understand. His father said to use the hardest part of your body to hit your wife to pee. The next day, the daughter-in-law said to her husband: Your son is crazy. He banged his head on the urinal all night!

The beautiful woman had to urinate urgently and urinate on the roadside. She had no paper and wiped it with leaves. The leaves have thorns and the vagina is very painful. The beautiful woman was displeased and said: "I eat meat all day long, but I can't bear to eat vegetables."

The village chief came home drunk in the middle of the night. He mistakenly lay down in the pig pen and asked his wife to pour water for him. The sow hummed and counted. The village chief said: "Forget it if it doesn't fall, why are you being coquettish!" He reached out and touched the pig's milk, and laughed and cursed: "Damn, I bought a low-quality leather jacket again, and it's double-breasted!"

The old man took a train and mistakenly put his foot into the stall of a girl on the opposite side while resting at night. A few days later, I felt itchy and uncomfortable in my feet. The doctor concluded that it was syphilis, and the old man kept saying it was strange. The doctor said: "Who are you? Yesterday, a girl with athlete's foot came here!!"

A woman had small breasts and it was difficult to marry. During a blind date, the man asked if she was as big as a steamed bun and the woman said yes! ! The man then agreed to the marriage. On the wedding night, the man ran out of the bridal chamber and shouted to the sky: "Oh my God, Wangzai little steamed bun!"

It was said that a man and a woman were having an affair. After entering, the man lay on the woman's body without moving, and said softly : We are now connected to China Unicom, and the woman is a little unhappy. The man attacks fiercely, and the woman shouts loudly: Mobile is better than China Unicom

The Eight Great Idiots: If the leader toasts you, don’t drink it, but please touch the leader lady first. , when the leader walks, you ride in the car, when the leader speaks, you are wordy, when the leader talks nonsense, when the leader takes a shower, you take off your clothes first, when the leader picks up the food, you turn the table, when the leader listens to the cards, you touch them yourself.

A girl lives with her blind mother. One day, a girl and her lover were having sex secretly in the back room. The sound of moans alarmed her mother, who asked her why and was told she had a heat stroke. The mother came in to visit, and the lover stood up from her body in a hurry, leaning against the wall and not daring to move. The mother wanted to touch her daughter's forehead, but mistakenly held her lover's vagina. She was shocked and said: "The weather is really hot, and the pegs on the wall are sweating."

The couple lived with their young children and were having sex in the middle of the night. Suddenly, I found my son missing and hurriedly looked for him. He turned out to be squatting behind the door with his knees in his arms. The husband said: "Come back quickly, the wind is strong behind the door." The son said angrily: "Don't lie to me, the wind is even stronger under the bed."

A man went to the toilet after drinking. When he came back, he said to his companion: "This The hotel business is so good, there are even two tables in the toilet!" So he continued drinking. Immediately, a group of people rushed into the room, held the man down and beat him. The companion hurriedly asked why, and replied: "This kid came to our private room to pee casually!"

The man took off his clothes to show his girlfriend his biceps and said: This is equivalent to fifty kilograms of explosives, and took off his pants. Pointing to his thigh, he said: This is equivalent to one hundred kilograms of explosives. Then he took off his underwear and ran for the door, exclaiming: Oh my God! The lead is so short!

In the car, a certain man hit a certain person. On the woman's body, the woman said angrily: You can't stand on three legs! The man waved his hand and said: Forget it, I won't argue with you, you are always talking anyway.

The husband came home and saw his wife and the doctor lying on the bed. Doctor: Don't get me wrong, I'm taking her temperature. Husband: If the thing you inserted into my wife’s body was not calibrated, you would be dead.

A man was walking through a cemetery late at night when he heard knocking sounds. The more he heard, the more frightened he became. Finally he saw a man carving a tombstone. He breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other party: It almost scared me to death! What are you doing? Answer: They etched my name wrongly, I will change it!

A female soldier disguised herself as a man. One day, her aunt suddenly came to the battlefield. Her bottom was red. The company commander asked: "Where are you injured?" The female soldier quickly said: "No, it's okay. "The company commander hurriedly took off her pants and was surprised: "The **** blew up and you said it was okay?"

An AIDS patient wrote a couplet before his death: The first couplet is: For Live ****, die for ****, fight for **** all your life; the second line is: suffer **** losses, be fooled by ****, and finally die on ****. Horizontal couplet: Tough luck.

The ant and the elephant got married, but the elephant died within a few days. The ant was very sad and cried while scolding: My dear, why are you walking ahead of me? Mom doesn’t need to do anything else, I’ll just bury you

Tang Monk traveled west and met a banshee. He saw her breasts and buttocks were plump, so he wanted to have sex. Seeing this, the banshee exclaimed: Elder! The little girl may have inconvenience during menstruation! After hearing this, Tang Monk put his hands together and said: Amitabha, the poor monk is here to learn the scriptures!

The camel and the elephant met on the road. The elephant said strangely: Hey, why does your breast grow on your back? How strange. Luotuo was unhappy after hearing this and said: Damn it, get away, I won't talk to the thing on my face.

The director and the driver went to watch the show together. When they got to the door, the security guard asked the director He went in and stopped the driver. The driver said angrily: He and I are in the same system, let me in. The security guard also had to be unreasonable: JJ and Eggy were also in the same system. If Chicken entered, Eggy would not be able to enter. driver:. . . . .