Essay, essay, life essay

Yesterday morning, I stayed up all night, dizzy, sore all over, heavy eyelids and distracted eyes. I just want to lie in bed and have a good sleep. At eight o'clock, grandma asked me to take a bowl to the kitchen pot to scoop the cooked quick-frozen dumplings. I have no appetite and I have no habit of eating breakfast. The result of staying up late is that you can't eat well or sleep well, your physique plummets, and you have a cold and a runny nose.

After eating some quick-frozen jiaozi, my neighbor's great-uncle and great-aunt's daughter-in-law, who used to live on the hillside with her grandparents, came to see her grandfather lying in the hospital bed with a piece of milk. She was accompanied by a four-year-old girl, wearing a white short-sleeved upper body and two braids. She is tall and looks like a six-year-old girl. Aunt walked into grandpa's room, comforted him briefly, and then asked me, "Song Erwa, do you still recognize me?"

I looked at her and made sure I didn't know her.

Mother said in the outside room, "She is Mei Mei's mother. Don't you know her?" When it comes to Mei Mei, I know, because there are always so many families living on the hillside that no one can tell them with a wrench. But I have little impression of Mei Mei's mother, probably because she works outside all the year round and comes home less often!

From the conversation between Mei Mei's mother and her mother, I probably heard that my aunt is currently in a state of divorce, and the man is eating, drinking, whoring and gambling, but he failed to succeed and borrowed money to buy horses for gambling. He once brought a wild woman home in front of his two daughters and aunt. The youngest daughter was really angry and felt that she was not worth it for her mother, so she advised her father and said some ugly words. The man said, "Do you need to take care of Lao Zi?" Since then, the youngest daughter has never contacted her father actively, never called to greet her on holidays, and never visited her father once. Probably in the little daughter's heart, she has been extremely disappointed with her father, probably blaming him for not doing his duty as a father since childhood.

I listened to it in my heart and sighed in my heart: "Every family has a hard experience!" At dinner last night, Grandpa Two and Grandma Two had a terrible quarrel over some family chores, blaming each other and finding fault with each other. Their contradictions are deep. I heard that they started when they were young, about twenty or thirty years old!

My second grandmother said that my second grandfather often went to a widow's house, and the widow also sent some vegetables to my second grandfather. The story spread slowly among the people, feeling that Mr. Zhong was having an affair with the widow. Sir Zhong tried his best to defend himself, and the rest of us didn't know the inside story, so it was inconvenient to speak.

My second grandfather is almost seventy, and my second grandmother is estimated to be over sixty! Occasionally, I heard from my grandmother and mother that I was not interested in these trivial things at my second grandfather's house. They left me a question. Why didn't they get a divorce? Was it because they were out of character and upset? I thought about it, maybe it was because I was not tolerant of divorced people at that time. Divorce is a disgrace. It is difficult for men to remarry after divorce, and it is also difficult for women to remarry after divorce. So the stalemate has continued until now. Of course, there is another important reason, especially for the woman, that is, she can't bear to part with her children and feels that the children will suffer after divorce.

Two grandmothers' children have stood in a row, some supporting their father and some supporting their mother. I heard that their eldest son should be called uncle according to his seniority, and now he is also a loser. He has found a woman and another woman, never going home all the year round, and has been wandering outside ever since. Last year, during the Chinese New Year, my aunt borrowed 1000 yuan from her mother through WeChat and telephone, saying that she would celebrate the Chinese New Year. Mother knows that his urine is a bad debt in the eyes of neighbors. Lending him money is equivalent to beating a dog with a steamed stuffed bun. His mother turned him down on the grounds that he was short of money and had a hard time recently.

I was a little surprised when my mother told me about it. A person can't come up with 1000 yuan until the Spring Festival. How tragic that is! I heard that all the money my uncle was looking for was spent on those sluts. When I was a child, I had the honor to meet one who was beautifully dressed and had three layers of powder on his face. It looked like a leprechaun who escaped from Journey to the West. To say how beautiful that woman is, it is not really, but it is more than enough for her uncle. I heard an adult say, "that woman is a prostitute, and she is in the flesh business." To tell the truth, this kind of woman will be criticized wherever she goes, mainly because of her bad reputation.

It's past nine in the morning, and I'm lying on the folding bed, tossing and turning, but I can't sleep. My mother and aunt are chatting loudly. Obviously, I am sleepy, but I just can't sleep. This feeling is too uncomfortable. Then I dozed off and on for about half an hour. When my brother saw me playing with my mobile phone, he said, "Go to sleep quickly. I'm going there for a disaster meal at ten o'clock." "Disaster rice" is a dialect in some parts of Sichuan, and it is the meal that everyone ate when they went to see him off after his death. My first reaction was, don't go, "What's for dinner? It is rare to run. "

My brother said, "Go!" I said it several times in a row, and I compromised. At ten o'clock, my mother said hello to my aunt who was chatting with my second grandmother in the hall, and we set off. I walked in front, and the sun became a little sinister.

The family that went to eat this time is not far from my home. Our team members started from my second grandfather's home. Grandpa came back this time, and the old house on the hillside was no longer habitable, so he had to live in the second grandpa's house for the time being. In fact, for us young people, it doesn't matter if we live in someone else's house for the time being. The key lies in grandpa, who is a man with the traditional concept of settling in a different place and returning to the root. Grandpa told his mother at the beginning of this year: "He regretted going to Luzhou with his uncle." Grandpa, he still loathes to give up the old house.

Climbing steep slopes and shallow stone steps is slippery because few people walk all the year round, and it rained again last night. Fortunately, I grew up in the countryside and followed my grandparents countless times when I was a child, so I became familiar with it. After climbing the hillside, there was another scene above, until the grass was overgrown and the original road was gone. I suddenly remembered what Mr. Lu Xun said-there is no road in this world, and there will be a road if there are more people walking. There are fewer people walking now, and the land on the hillside is basically barren, so the road has completely disappeared.

I'm ahead. I'm a pathfinder. The water near the roots of weeds is not dry enough, and my shoes get a little wet soon. On weekdays, I walk very fast, and I can probably take two steps when others take one step. Soon, I left my mother and brother far behind.

Passing through a bamboo forest, I accidentally saw a bamboo shoot bug lying on a tall bamboo shoot. I caught it for a long time out of childhood fun and childlike innocence. The Book of Bamboo Shoots is called the weevil, so it is named because its long mouth looks like an elephant's nose. It mainly lives by sucking the juice of bamboo shoots. Bamboo shoots do great harm to bamboo shoots, and all the bamboo shoots sucked by bamboo shoots are basically dead, so it is difficult to grow into bamboo.

After a short walk, we arrived at the border of our team, which is also the junction of Neijiang and Longchang. When we arrived at our team's site, the crazy weeds stopped here, and the previous sense of desolation was instantly dispelled by several fields planted with crops.

Not far away, there is a collapsed mud tile house. I was deeply impressed here, because I remembered it when I was only five or six years old, and I was deeply impressed. I also have a slight impression of a thatched cottage in the pine forest, although it has long since disappeared.

I deliberately slowed down and found some bamboo shoots in a bamboo grove on the roadside. There are actually three bamboo shoots on a small bamboo shoot. How could I miss such a good opportunity and just grab them in my hand? It is estimated that there are fewer children and more bamboo shoots in my hometown in the past two years. Going back and forth, I just caught it when I passed by the bamboo forest. A * * * caught ten, three males, much bigger, and seven females.

It wasn't long before I lost interest in bamboo shoots and couldn't bear to kill them. I'm afraid killing them will bring me bad luck and bad luck. So I threw my hand directly into a clearing, and bamboo shoots were everywhere. Some began to straighten up, and some climbed up the weeds. After a while, I spread my wings and flew away like a small plane.

By the time I got to my house, I was already sweating like a pig. Father and a strange uncle are chatting. This uncle is about the same age as his father. They are chatting. Father said, "Do you recognize this one?" I took a look and had no idea! I casually shouted "Uncle". My father quickly corrected me and said, "No, he is Grandpa Four." I am bored. When did I have a grandpa four? Later, I realized that the people who were originally in the Song Family Courtyard must have been relatives in a former life, and later came to Xiang Ying Town to become a son-in-law.

Grandpa four pointed at me and asked my father, "Who is this?"

"This is my little daughter, Erwa." Grandpa Four was a little surprised: "He used to be a little older, but now he has grown into a big boy."

Not long after, my mother came and grandpa four saw her: "Jiurong, why are you so fat?" I was a little unhappy and thought, "Why is this person so low in EQ that he can't speak at all?"

I have been meeting some acquaintances these days. Many people are surprised to see me and say they don't know me at all. My mother said aside, "My second child has completely changed since childhood, except for the big one."

Father smiled and said, "Your two brothers are so kind. Grandpa Four used to take care of them." In the past, my parents had to go to work, and no one looked after me and my brother, so they locked our two brothers in the rental house, probably just to let grandpa four look after them by the way. Grandpa Four said, "Your father used to save a lot of money in Anhui, and he also worked when he died." From his tone, it is not difficult to see that the thrift is even worse than that of ordinary migrant workers.

Grandpa four raised his right hand on his knee and said to me, "When you were a child, your nose flowed sideways, a little bigger." I counted, and he mentioned it three times. I just smiled apologetically and didn't know how to answer the phone. When I was a child, my nose ran for a reason. A dirty child is probably not very likable.

After sitting for a while, I went to eat in the house where the old man died. I'm afraid I won't have a seat if I go late. There are more than ten tables in the dam and some in the room. Some people have sat down around the table. The dam was covered with a large piece of flower tape to block the sun, and the wind blew back and forth, making some crackling sounds. Several cars were parked outside the dam, and a dozen white ducks stood outside a row of blue nets in the distance, tidying their feathers with their mouths. I found a place nearby to sit down and looked at the time. It's past ten, and the first course, cold chicken, has just begun to serve. The custom in my hometown is to wait until the dishes are basically ready before handing out chopsticks to the tables. The main reason is that some people break the rules and eat in advance.

There was a lot of noise in the dam, the children's frolicking, the loud chatting of several middle-aged women, the shouts of one-stop service workers doing odd jobs, the cough caused by the old man's smoking, and all kinds of voices were mixed together, like a group of flies buzzing in his ears. I'm sleepy and have a headache. I looked around, and most of the faces of men, women and children were unfamiliar. Being suddenly in such a strange environment makes me uncomfortable all over.

I can hardly recognize some people. Some old people are getting older and older, and their white hair and wrinkles are more obvious. When the young people became parents, their bodies were out of shape, their faces were overgrown with weeds, and the fat on their bellies was simply piled up like a pregnant woman. I thought to myself, "I don't want to be out of shape like them."

I heard an uncle say that I didn't eat until twelve noon. I'm a little annoyed. There is still more than an hour before twelve o'clock. If I had known I would be late, I could have slept for a while. My brother said, "I'm late. If I'm late, I won't have a seat." That's the truth.

I was bored sitting on a green plastic stool. Grandpa Four, his wife and the fat grandson were sitting on this table. The chubby child and another thinner child have been bickering, and my ears are full of their voices. One minute I said Indian curry, and the next I said that Indians eat all kinds of corn porridge. Later I don't know who mentioned online dating. The fat child said first: "The Internet is unreliable, the photos are beautiful, and the real person is ugly." I'm a little surprised to hear that. I feel that today's children know everything, which is much more knowledgeable than when we were children after 90.

While waiting, I used a paper cup to scoop two cups in a big basin full of tea behind me and drank them all at once. In this way, I managed to ease my deep sleepiness. Then I took out my mobile phone and read the e-book for nearly an hour. Actually, I didn't watch it either. I can't concentrate.

Finally, it's twelve o'clock. Finally, someone brought a large bundle of chopsticks, one for each table and ten pairs for each. The chubby child was so excited that he picked up a big bottle of Sprite, unscrewed it and almost hummed, "Sprite, Sprite ..." I frowned at the number that was nearly half bigger than my peers: "When you grow up, you will worry that you are overweight."

I think this fat child is as selfish as those children I have ever seen. He only poured himself a cup, and then drank another. After pouring himself a cup, the fat boy couldn't help taking a sip first and then licking his lips. Then, he took a big green Sprite bottle around the table and poured a disposable paper cup in front of almost everyone except those who wanted to drink beer on the table.

I don't like Sprite very much. Carbonated drinks are high in sugar and easy to get fat. By the time I found out, the fat boy had enthusiastically filled me up with a cup, just like you were visiting relatives on vacation. In order to treat you well, relatives take out what they think is most suitable for entertaining guests at home, and even they are reluctant to eat it on weekdays, and this kind of food is exactly what you don't like. Yes, that's the feeling, exactly the same. However, I'm sorry for my preconceptions about fat children just now. People really can't judge a book by its cover, nor can they easily point fingers at others according to past experience.

The dishes on the table slowly piled up, and some even overlapped. This typical rural dam feast can't be seen in cities. Weddings and funerals in rural areas are basically contracted to others, which is the so-called one-stop service. They can cook a table of this dish, which can keep the price very low, because they have a stable supplier in the county and the demand is great. The prices of all kinds of meat dishes should also be wholesale prices. As for quality and health, no one knows this.

After all the dishes were served, I subconsciously counted the dishes on the table, including 16 meat dishes and vegetarian dishes. There are many dishes that I can't eat on weekdays, not because I can't afford them, but because there are many processes and it is troublesome to do. Such as fatty glutinous rice, elbow and other dishes. I have seen all the dishes, and the only thing I like is beef jerky. Other dishes seem to have no appetite. I said, "This protein is high in content."

On weekdays, I can't do anything else, but I am an expert in eating. It may be because I stayed up with my grandfather for ten consecutive nights, or it may be because I caught a cold and got allergic rhinitis. In short, I can't eat well and sleep well.

I put down my chopsticks early when others were blowing around among the dishes on the table with chopsticks in their forehand. It's so hot that the fan behind me with a broken neck won't shake its head from side to side, and my position just missed perfectly. Sweat is running down my face, which makes me upset.

I stood by to have a rest, took out my mobile phone to play for a while, felt that there was nothing to play, and put it back in my trouser pocket; Then I looked up at the diner. In the face of people eating, I don't see any sadness in the death of the old man. For many people, it's just a chance to eat and drink. But on the other hand, why do some outsiders have to bear the pain of losing their loved ones?

In fact, the so-called disaster eating has eaten a lot since childhood. There are at least twenty or thirty families who don't touch relatives and friends, and there are grandfathers and grandmothers who touch relatives. At that time, I only felt that people were coming and going, and the food had fish and meat. I really don't feel anything. I don't even know what death means.

In my memory, the face of a dead man I saw with my own eyes was white, like a blank sheet of paper, with no color in it. His home is less than 200 meters from mine. When I was a child, I followed the adults with curiosity, leaving a lingering psychological shadow. The man was only forty or fifty years old when he left. I heard it was hepatic ascites. At that time, I was still in the third and fourth grades of primary school. Every time I pass by the bamboo forest behind his house, I always see many medicine bottles. I didn't understand it then. Hearing adults say that this disease is contagious, I naturally avoided it.

It took the man nearly three months to get sick and leave. The only thing that makes me feel a little funny is that less than half a year after this man died, this woman began to ask people around her to introduce him to a matchmaker. At that time, my cognition was also one-sided and extreme. I always feel that a woman about 50 years old has to marry someone else, and she is in a hurry, which makes me a little unacceptable. At that time, I thought that marriage should be for young people, and older people seemed to be unworthy of love and happiness. Of course, more importantly, everyone can't accept that she started to marry herself so soon after her husband died. This person has a bad reputation, and I don't know if the person who died of illness will feel chilling when he knows this in the grave.

Not long after, she really found a man, not too far from here, his wife died, honest and diligent, and was considered suitable. Time flies, this man has been married to this family for more than ten years. His personality and hard work gradually made everyone get used to him and accepted him. Who says you must be unhappy if you score twice?

Looking back, we think that a woman who is nearly 50 years old, unfortunately, has a dead man, and she still has to run a family by herself. Forget the loneliness of the boudoir for the time being. The inner emptiness alone is enough for her to drink a pot. Also, in rural areas, the reputation of dead men's women is not very good, and few people dare to marry, because they think that women are unlucky and their birthdays are bad, which will kill their husbands. Only those who are not afraid, feel that their life is hard to hide, or don't believe at all dare to marry. Her second man is such a man.

After one o'clock in the afternoon, the people who ate gradually dispersed. I saw empty beverage bottles on the ground and thought, "I can pick up some empty bottles later and cut a small piece at the bottom to make a small flowerpot." As soon as I put forward this idea, my parents and brother stopped me: "Don't laugh when picking things up." I thought about it, and it's not a shame to pick up the bottle. Of course I won't listen. After visiting more than ten tables, I only picked up seven empty bottles, four Sprite bottles, three peanut milk bottles, and all the other bottles had drinks. It is said that there are more than ten tables in another bazi, but there is no strong desire for empty bottles. I think seven empty bottles are enough.

After I took seven empty bottles back, I was thinking, why do people always set psychological limits for themselves before doing things? Take picking up bottles as an example. Why is it a shameful thing? That's your preconceived idea. As long as you think so, you won't do it again? I think I don't steal my bottle, break the law and touch the bottom line of social morality. As long as I don't feel ashamed of this, no one can laugh at me for picking up empty bottles.

The sunshine outside the house is still sinister, and the heat wave can be faintly seen in the air. I stood in the shade, looking at the Chinese fir forest next to the house and thinking about some problems. I asked myself: What is death? Why do people die? Are the dead afraid of death? What is the essence of death?

August 2020 10 Neijiang, Zhu Hongchu.

Note: The last word 1000 was written on August 1 1 day.