Why did you leave the small city?

Looking back, I have been traveling abroad for more than eleven years since I graduated from junior high school. During this period, whether studying or traveling, I have been to 20 cities. Although I have not visited every corner, I can still count from north to south. took a look. As for the question of whether to come back, to be honest, I don’t know. But I seem to understand something.

What I don’t know is whether I should go back, but what I seem to understand is that I can’t stay here.

My hometown is a third-tier city with no characteristics. The income level is not high, but the consumption level is comparable to that of Beijing; there are real estates everywhere, but the housing prices are extremely high; the medical insurance is complete, but the quality is unsatisfactory; the population is not large, but there are many interpersonal relationships; the customs and customs are not distinctive, so just forget about visiting. . The only advantage is that it is close to the capital, 1 hour's drive or 20 minutes by high-speed rail. Therefore, I have seen countless locals get up at six o'clock in the morning and go to the station to catch the first high-speed train to work in Beijing. It is already after ten o'clock when they take the last high-speed train home at night. This kind of commuting also refreshed my understanding of life.

(There are too many small towns like this)

Even a local friend had already entered this state when I was an undergraduate student.

I call him Qiqi.

It should have been a small gathering near the Spring Festival in early 2017. We were sitting in a barbecue restaurant in a certain alley. There is a mirror hanging on the wall, but the greasy floor and walls make the existence of this mirror a little redundant. People in the room were sitting on small mats around their respective folding tables. I don’t know whether it was the effect of alcohol or the temperature in the room. Everyone’s face and nose were red, and they were breathing heavily whether they were talking or chewing, as if the words they spoke could The other person wakes up instantly, or it may be the temperature of the food that makes them afraid to swallow it. If it were not for the various payment QR codes posted on the freezer, I would really believe that I have traveled back to the 1980s.

After all, I haven’t seen my old friend for many years. Perhaps it was more because I was uncomfortable or unhappy with the surrounding environment, so I proposed to change places. And Qiqi half-jokingly and half-seriously said something that I still remember vividly: It’s the same anywhere to have a full meal, not to mention it’s delicious and popular here.

(Should I say it, this restaurant is really good.)

To this day, I can’t help but think of his appearance and these words when I sit where I was.

The food has not tasted past the fifth taste, but the wine has been drunk for three rounds. At this time, his face and nose were as red as the diners around him. Working in Beijing was so out of breath and even so fucked up that he breathed out his words as he spoke. I don’t know if this is a complaint to me or a warning or a reminder. I can understand his difficulty, or theirs, those who broke into Beijing alone, for more opportunities, a better environment, and to change themselves. and the hardship and helplessness of future generations.

I was completely shocked when he talked about the nearly 6-hour commute every day. And he seemed to have seen or guessed my reaction in advance, or understood that it was not easy for me to continue to ask questions, so he continued, "I have no choice. It is not easy for me to get opportunities, and I have no academic qualifications. Not to mention the Beijing registered permanent residence, I can’t afford to buy a house in my life. I don’t even dare to rent. Do you understand? I don’t want money, I want to work hard to change my environment and get out of here. Not only If you want to get out of this environment, you have to get away from the people here, and you have to fucking break the market." As soon as he said this, the surrounding diners looked at him strangely, and some even wanted to turn around and join in the conversation and accuse him. But he said nonchalantly to the mirror, "The wind is strong, the water is shallow, and there are many tortoises. Living in a small place like this is comfortable, but the heart is tired, and struggling in a big city, you know, no matter how tired you are, you will feel free in your heart." . ”

I stopped him in a hurry, stood up with difficulty, and wanted to pay on the pretext of going to the toilet to end today’s conversation. He then stood up but accidentally touched the table. The empty wine bottle, the dripping sound of the wine bottle, did not have such a big impact on the people around him as what he said, but he pulled me out regardless and told me that he had paid the bill and there was no toilet here.

The winter in my hometown was dry and cold. The wooden door was quiet for a moment when he went out. He let go of his hand to zip up the zipper and patted himself again. He didn’t know whether it was the cold weather that made him sober up or whether he was not drunk at all. , said to me, "If you want to treat me as a friend, there is no need to invite me. I am still a student. How can I ask you to check out, study hard and leave this small place? You have more opportunities than us. Don't come back. Don't waste you." "Remember what I said." After saying that, he took a deep puff of the cigarette, and the smoke he exhaled was thicker than the breath in the room.

After that, I never saw him again.

Unfortunately, I met another person in the same situation as Qiqi the day before yesterday, except that this person was older, wearing a shirt and trousers, and a rimless frame. He wears cheap glasses, and his nose hairs have spread out due to the vigorous growth. He may have gone bald because of the thick nose hairs, but there seems to be a kind of power in his eyes, and he may be using this power to cover up his confusion. The heavy rain stopped people getting off the train at the exit of the station. He casually struck up a conversation with me and asked me what I thought of this place. I said it was okay.

His half-bald head was shiny and shiny, he looked at the big sign of the hotel's simple meals diagonally opposite, smacked his lips and said, "This is a small place. Some people are willing to come back because their home is here." There are quite a lot of people in the local area, and you can get a stable footing if you come back and work in a workplace. But you have to understand that you can’t make money in this kind of place, but that’s not scary. What’s scary is that it’s okay if you can’t make money. People’s minds are not right. I hate you for having it, laugh at you for not having it, despise you for being poor, and fear that you are rich. You are not well-educated and have a lot of ambitions.”

I seem to understand Qiqi.

He moved his gaze from the hotel's snack to the shopping mall. The shopping mall still had the old-fashioned blue reflective glass wall, with four large gray golden characters of ×× Commercial Building crumbling on it, among which × There is one missing point, probably it fell off over the years. "People in this kind of place, they are thinking every day about which family has what, which family is not good, what is wrong with that family, which family has a good wife, and which family has found a rich son-in-law. , whose family got married in such a grand manner, whose children came back from other places in despair, etc. What’s funny is that they all still feel that they have seen a lot, know a lot, and experienced a lot, but they have lost this little land. I was immediately dumbfounded, what do you think of a place like this now?" The bald middle-aged man curled his lips as he spoke.

I don’t know who it was behind me, but a woman speaking in the local dialect said displeasedly, “We are a small place and can’t be seen by you. You are a big city, so don’t stay here!” It may not be true! It was not because of these words, but because of the voice that caused extreme discomfort. The half-bald middle-aged man turned around and looked behind him, trying to find him. The people behind him also followed suit, without exception. It was as if these words were an auditory hallucination. Everyone looked at each other in silence and could only hear someone snorting disdainfully.

I can’t say that the middle-aged man’s laughter was mocking, right? Contempt, it doesn't seem like it. Even more helpless. Anyway, he walked out of the station in the rain with his own laughter without looking back.

Could he be an old Qiqi?

Going back to the beginning, I have never considered those issues. I have never longed for urban life with high-rise buildings and fat horses and light carriages, nor have I envied the two-point and one-line comfort of small town life, let alone considered it. Whether it is difficult to establish a foothold in a big city and the complex human feelings of walking on thin ice in a small city. In short, I have never thought about these issues, not because of hesitation and confusion or other nonsense.

To put it bluntly, it is an escape.

And if you fail the exam this year, you have to face the problem that you should have faced three years ago. Thinking back to what he said at that time, it may or may not be true, I don’t know. But it's true that I can't stay.

Nowadays, people in the village are running to the county, people in the county are running around in the city, and people in the city are trying to stay in first-tier, new first-tier and second-tier cities. Therefore, good medical conditions, educational resources, and life and entertainment are not enough to support them in most small cities. But the scary thing is not these, but when parents are worried about medical treatment and their children are worried about educational resources and are powerless, they are still tired of facing the complicated relationships and face projects of so-called relatives and friends, and even more so when they have to face those People who spit on gossip.

Too tired.

I don’t know about you, but that’s what I think. So, I decided to leave.

You may also say that going to a big city is also an escape, but for these, it is more about change. You may not be able to change your parents’ generation or even myself, but leaving is at least the first step to change. Go ahead, even if it’s for future generations.

As Euripides said: Being born in a famous city is the first condition for a person's happiness.