I am urgently looking for the text of a particularly funny joke or a short stand-up comedy segment. It is best to be longer and not pornographic. Thanks!

The following is part of it, all in /f?kz=12245968

It is said that there is a nation in the north of our country that is good at riding and shooting - the Manchu. By the end of the Ming Dynasty, it had developed and prospered. From Nurhaci To Huang Taiji, it established the strength of the Qing troops to enter the pass. Later, Dorgon led his troops into the Pass, dominated the Central Plains, unified the world, and stabilized the foundation of the Qing Dynasty.

There were twelve emperors in the Qing Dynasty, but there were thirteen reign titles, which were called "Thirteen Dynasties".

Among the thirteen dynasties of the Qing Dynasty, the one with the most stories and jokes belongs to Qianlong. Qianlong is the reign name, his surname is Aixinjueluo, his name is Hongli, and his temple name is Gaozong of the Qing Dynasty. Anyway, Qianlong, Hongli, and Emperor Gaozong of the Qing Dynasty were all in the same boat!

Judging from the Qing Dynasty's "Jade Spy", that is, the "family tree", his father was Yongzheng, and his mother was the noble concubine Niu Hulu. But it is said that Yongzheng was not Qianlong's biological father. His biological father’s surname is Chen and he is of Han nationality. During the Kangxi period, he sat in the middle hall. I remember back then, Concubine Yu gave birth to a girl. In those days, men were superior to women. She was afraid that if another concubine gave birth to a son and was established as the prince of the East Palace, wouldn't she sit sideways? Coincidentally, a son was born in Chen Zhongtang's family. He was so small for some reason. The girl born to Concubine Yu was in the same year, month, day and hour.

Hey, we’re all here together!

Concubine Yu privately asked Chen Zhongtang to take her son into the palace to have a look, and then take her son out after reading it. Alas, it was changed! This is the folk legend of "exchanging a phoenix for a dragon". Later, when Qianlong grew up, he became a gossip and heard about this kind of thing, but he himself didn't take it seriously. You don't think he is serious himself, so who else should care about other people's business?

Then again, he himself can’t be serious. how? As soon as they went out, the two emperors and their fathers came out. Hey, that... how unpleasant it sounds! After thinking about it, come on, I might as well just stay bored. Qianlong endured it.

Someone asked, why is it that the Qianlong period has the most stories and jokes?

Because he is in the middle. Qianlong is preceded by Tianming, Tiancong, Chongde, Shunzhi, Kangxi, and Yongzheng, six reign names; followed by Jiaqing, Daoguang, Xianfeng, Tongzhi, Guangxu, and Xuantong, also six reign titles. He is in the moment. Generally speaking, the products in the current period are the essence and the best. You see: when eating dumplings, they are meatballs; when eating steamed buns, they are fillings; when eating hazelnuts, they are kernels; when eating oranges, they are petals; when eating peaches, they are... pits!

Anyway, most things are good at the moment. Qianlong can be called the "heyday" among the Qing Dynasty. After he ascended the throne, he had two capable ministers under his command. One is martial, one is literary, one is Man and one is Han. One is Manzhongtang, the Grand Scholar of Wuyingdian, the Minister of the Ministry of War, and the Admiral of the Nine Gates - Heshen. Nickname, Wax Head!

What did you say? Oh, why is he called Wax Head?

That’s what happened. This and Shen, it turned out that they were waiting for the guards in front of the emperor, and they were "angry to death". He was only eleven or twelve years old at the time and was not very tall. Everyone gave him a nickname, Wax Head. Called again and again, hey, it really spread. Both Zhiting and Shen were sitting in the middle hall, and some people even called him Wax Touer in private!

The other one is Liu Yong, a bachelor of Hanzhong Hall and Wenhua Hall, a Tianguan of the Ministry of Personnel, and a censor of Zuodu.

That person said, I know Liu Yong’s nickname, his name is Luo Guo’er!

You are really wrong. This Liu Yong is not Luo Guo'er, not Luo Guo'er. If it were true, Luo Guo'er wouldn't be able to enter the pavilion or become a member of the central hall. According to the rules of the Qing Dynasty, any person with a disability that is incomplete in the six senses cannot be an official. What kind of official is Liu Yong? The first rank of the current dynasty, the Bachelor of Wenhua Palace and the Hanzhong Hall. Could it be Luo Guoer? If Hanzhongtang is really Luoguoer, what about Manzhongtang? Missing an arm, the emperor has no nose, and the empress has only one eye! That’s no longer the Qing Dynasty. It’s time to change the “Invalid Hospital”!

How could Liu Yong, an official of his age, be Luo Guoer?

So, why do they call him Liu Luoguo'er? There is a history here. It was because the emperor named him "Luo Guo'er".

Is there anyone who has been granted the title of Luo Guoer? He...this...wasn't really sealed, he asked the emperor for it. After talking for a long time, what is going on? Because Liu Yong is a man who can write, draw, and is knowledgeable. I keep lying on the table reading and writing for a long time, and I feel a little like a snake. One day, he went to the palace to see the emperor and knelt down in front of the stage. Qianlong looked at him and said smoothly:

"Liu Yong, when you kneel like this, don't you become a Luo Guo'er?" ?"

When Liu Yong heard this, he kowtowed quickly:

"Thank you for your kindness."

The emperor was stunned:

"Yes. ? "What kind of favor do you want to thank me for?"

"Thank you for naming me Luo Guo'er"

Qianlong was happy and said:

"Hi, I will grant you the title." "Luo Guo'er, what's the use?"

"It's useful. I can get an extra salary of 20,000 taels of silver every year."

What's going on? There was a rule in the Qing Dynasty that if the emperor personally sealed a word, he would receive an extra ten thousand taels of silver every year. Take the Queen Mother of the West during the Guangxu period. She received 160,000 taels of "rouge silver" every year. You spent 160,000 taels of silver to buy rouge powder, why don't you bury the person? It’s called “Rouge Pink Silver” and may not necessarily be earmarked for its own use! Because she has been given sixteen characters, which are: "Ci, Xi, Duan, You, Kang, Yi, Zhao, Yu, Zhuang, Cheng, Shou, Gong, Qin, Xian, Chong, Xi". One word is ten thousand, sixteen words, one hundred and sixty thousand taels of silver.

2 One of the battles of wits in the Golden Palace, asking for the title of Luo Guo

Today, Liu Yong thanked him and said that the emperor gave him the title of "Luo Guo", Luo Guo - two words. Hey, I can get an extra 20,000 taels of silver every year. When Qianlong heard this, he said, "Oh, that's what happened." I said in my heart, I have money, but I can’t afford to spend it like this! The emperor wanted to argue with me:

"Liu Yong, Lian is not calling you Luo Guo'er. I'm just kidding with this analogy."

Liu Yong said:

"Long live, Jun Wuxi, what you said cannot be counted. If this sentence is not counted, everything you say in the future will not be counted!"

The emperor quickly said:

"Forget it, forget it!"

You think, if the emperor's words don't count, wouldn't that be the opposite? Forget it, it costs an extra twenty thousand taels of silver every year.

When Qianlong thought about it, he and I really couldn't talk casually, so he said "Luo Guoer" and asked him to ask for the seal. I lost my 20,000 taels of silver. You can't spend this money like this, um,... let's do it this way:

"Liu Yong, according to the ancestral system of the Qing Dynasty, people with incomplete six roots and ugly appearance cannot be officials. Since you are asking for the title of 'Luo Guo' "Luo Guo'er is a disabled person. I can no longer use you as my beloved. You should resign and go back to your hometown."

That means, you, go home and take care of your child. I don't need you anymore. With the official gone, the word "luoguo" has been virtually eliminated. Hey, I also saved 20,000 silver.

Look how well the emperor calculates.

Liu Yong is so clever. He immediately understood when he heard it, oh, you are trying to change your ways without spending money. How can that work?

This has to be said:

"Long live, Luo Guo'er is not a disabled person..."

Qianlong said:

"Even if People who are not disabled are still ugly. From ancient times to the present, how can any ugly person be a high official in the government? ”

Liu Yong said:

” Well, yes. Pang Shiyuan, the leader of the Three Kingdoms of the Later Han Dynasty, was born with a black face, short beard, and bald eyebrows. He was ugly, right? , Don’t be afraid of becoming a prince and becoming a prime minister!”

Qianlong thought to himself, hey, he really found such a person! Pang Tong looks miserable enough. Later, he really became a high official... Hey, there are words again:

"Liu Yong, Pang Tongguang has handsome talents. He leads the troops and arranges formations, and he has six Tao skills. But he has no literary talents. Look at Zhuge Liang, he has 'previous and post-discipline instructions' "Leave it to the world. How many times have you seen Pang Tong's poems and articles? It's not enough to mention such an incomplete talent."

Oh, Pang Tong is handsome but not literary.

Well...Liu Yong rolled his eyes and had:

"Long live Tao Qian Tao Yuanming of the Eastern Jin Dynasty, known as Mr. Wuliu. He is the author of "Returning Letters" and "The Peach Blossom Spring". He once served in the army. Having been a county magistrate, is he versatile enough?"

Qianlong said: "That's right."

Liu Yong said: "Long live you know, Tao Yuanming is squinty."

Huh? ! Is Tao Yuanming cross-eyed? The emperor was stunned and made Liu Yong angry:

"Liu Yong, when did Tao Yuanming become cross-eyed again?"

"Long live, he was born with cross-eyed eyes."

p>

"Huh? Who said that?"

"He said it himself!"

Qianlong Xin said it, he said it himself? What did you hear?

"Liu Yong, Tao Yuanming said that he has slanted eyes. What proof is there?"

"Long live, Tao Yuanming has a poem called "Yong Chrysanthemum", do you remember it? "

Qianlong said: "Of course I know it well, and I often chant it - 'Pick chrysanthemums under the eastern fence, and leisurely see the Nanshan Mountain'..."

Liu Yong said: "Hey, Yes! Just these two sentences are enough to prove that he is cross-eyed."

"Why?"

"Long live you, he is picking chrysanthemums under the east fence. You can see the Nanshan Mountain leisurely. If you pick chrysanthemums in the east, you can see the mountains in the south. Isn’t this a squinting look?

Hey!

When Qianlong heard this, he said, what are you thinking about?

Come on, I have no words, so I have to say:

"Since Tao Yuanming has slanted eyes, he can be an official, then...you, an official, should continue to be an official. ”

“My lord, thank you for your kindness.”

Hey, Liu Yong is saved. Once Guan'er is saved, even if Luo Guo'er is captured, the 20,000 taels of silver won't be able to escape.