Select humorous jokes

1, you come out from under the bed first

Wife: "Husband, it's thundering outside. I'm so scared!" " "

Husband: "Don't be afraid, it will pass soon."

Wife: "that husband, you come out from under the bed first!" " "

2, such a wife, leave early.

When eating, my husband suddenly looks pale, and my wife asks, "What's the matter with you?"

Husband: "I'm suffocating. Please take a picture of me."

My wife quickly took out her mobile phone and clapped wildly.

Husband: "In the back!"

The wife patted her husband on the back again.

Husband is furious: "pat the back!"

3. Man: "My wife is going to poison me."

Friend: "No, let me talk to her. I'll go and see what's going on and tell you later. "

……

Friend: "I talked to your wife ... I talked to her on the phone for three hours." Do you want my advice? "

The man said, "Of course."

Friend: "You'd better take the poison!" "

4. A couple always quarrel. That night, they quarreled again. The husband said angrily, "it's all money, money, money." People like you just say one word: money. If we talk about money in the future, we will divorce. "

The wife said, "Divorce is divorce. Now make it clear, how much will you give me for the divorce? "

5. "During this time, I quarreled with my wife every day."

"Can you argue with her?"

"Every time I talk to the end, she doesn't say anything."

"So powerful, what did you say?"

"I said, I'm sorry, I was wrong."

6. "Do you know? My wife divorced me. "

"Drink a bottle of wine and forget all the pain."

"no!"

"Why, no money?"

"Money, but no pain."

7. Q: What kind of man is the most single-minded?

The man driving the train.

Q: Why?

A: Because of cheating, I will die.

Q: What is the most disloyal thing in the world?

A: It's money. We agreed to go out together, and then it won't come back with you.

Q: What is the most loyal thing in the world?

A: It's meat, damn it! I can't get rid of it.

8. The wife was lying in her husband's arms and asked, "Husband, if you have 65.438 billion yuan, what is the first thing you want to do?"

"Take you away." My husband blurted out (I didn't think it was a good idea at the time, and I didn't think it was good after I finished).

The wife was slightly angry: "What about the second thing?"

"Marry you back!" Husband said.

"Why?" The wife is very confused.

"When I married you before, it was too simple, so I will do it again to make your marriage better."

"Husband, that's very kind of you!" The wife looks very moved.

At that time, my husband really wanted to say to himself, "I'm so fucking smart that I didn't get beaten."

9. The husband happily said to his wife, "You have been contributing to the family for many years, and I am going to let you get a promotion!"

Wife: "What promotion?"

"I marry a little wife and let you be a big wife."

10, "Grandpa, you sell cement, but you are so beautiful when you look for your aunt. Tell me the story of you and your aunt. "

"I don't know if your aunt has a crush on me. That Valentine's Day, after selling cement, I passed a gold jewelry store. I went in to watch the fun, and your aunt was in sales.

I habitually asked, "How much is this thing a ton ..."

Then we got married. ...

As a result, we quarreled after marriage, and she scolded me for pretending.