I never dared to say that I had a family essay.

In April, I always get sick, and so do my children. After I got sick, I kept running around the hospital, work and home. After countless tossing, the disease is still so stubborn and has not improved.

After fighting the disease with the two favorite people around me, my husband finally said helplessly: "Go home and burn some money for your mother. Your mother misses you. " My husband's eternal joke will eventually make my heart ache, and those tears that have not been easily shed will flow down instantly. My son and I have always been ill in April since my mother left. It's all about my mother.

My husband's words reminded me of my mother, and the secret that was tightly covered in my heart was pushed open a window, reminding me of the past that I tried to forget but never left me.

One day many years ago, I suddenly received a phone call from my aunt. My aunt euphemistically said that my mother was seriously ill and asked me to go back as soon as possible. I don't understand why my mother, who has been in good health, suddenly fell ill. I asked what was the serious illness, and I wanted to bring back the best medicine for my mother. Under my intimidation, my aunt dared to tell my mother that she had drunk pesticides and the hospital could not save her. At that moment, I was in tears, crying alone in the kitchen, scaring my two-year-old son in the living room to knock on the glass door of the kitchen eagerly.

"Mom, why are you crying?" I am speechless with such a childish question. what can I say? Do I have to tell my two-year-old son how terrible this world is, so terrible that the dying lamb you picked up will turn into a wolf in sheep's clothing overnight and then bite you hard? Do I have to tell my two-year-old son how heartless the world is, so that people living under the same roof will kill each other, and there is nothing you can do? Do I have to tell my two-year-old son how small the world is, so small that there is no room for a mother and a woman to live? You can only watch her cold body have no place to live.

"Mom, why are you crying?" My son kept asking, I didn't have time to dry my tears, and I didn't expect to dry my tears because I couldn't stop them.

"Mom is crying because your grandmother is ill." I came out of the kitchen, holding my son and crying. At this point, only he let my trembling body rely on. What time? Where is it? As an adult and a mother, I was forced by the cruelty and coldness of reality to rely on only one child, relying on the warmth and body of a child to support my standing posture. How helpless, weak and humble.

"Mom, don't cry! We took grandma by plane to treat the disease. " The child believes that the hospital where he often sees a doctor will definitely cure his grandmother's illness.

"Grandma is very ill. She can't walk, can't fly, and can't come to us. " I was moved by the child's innocent heart. After all, my grandmother has been with us for a while, and once took care of her son: when her grandmother said not to take care of the children, the children's grandmother left her hometown and came to live with us in a strange home, just to help her daughter take care of the children.

"Mom will go home right away and take you home to see grandma." I finally woke up and realized what I should do. I quickly called my husband who was training in other places and told him that we were going back.

My husband bought a plane ticket in a hurry and hurried back, just to see if the two people around him were good for the first time. At four o'clock the next morning, I picked up my sleeping son, got in my husband's car and went straight to the airport.

My husband sent us away and hurried back to the training site, while my son and I waited anxiously for the passage of time. On the way to the boarding gate, I held my son in one hand, dragged my suitcase in the other and carried a big bag on my back. In the most difficult time, my son held my hand rationally, and he dragged the heavy suitcase for me with difficulty. At that moment, I was in tears again: I only found my home and found its meaning.

"Home" is a word I never dare to mention outside, because home means warmth; Means relying on; Means hope; It means safety. However, my "home" has never given me warmth, dependence, hope and security in my life. On the contrary, my "home" has given me rejection, indifference, ruthlessness and death since I was a child, all because I am a girl and I already have a brother. I am an "extra person" in my grandparents' hearts, and extra me means that there is no need and right to exist; My father, a pedantic "filial son", inherited China's oldest "view of foolish filial piety": obeying grandparents in everything, which is called being a man and filial piety.

Yes, I understand the difference between men and women; Deeply understand what fate is in this world; I know that if I don't work hard, I will meet death. Along the way, my mother suffered too much because of me, too much injustice, too much torture. She was punched and kicked by her husband and my father countless times; She told me countless times with a kind heart that as long as she persists in kindness, she will be blessed by God. So, I grew up in my mother's tears. My philosophy of life is that we must strive to defeat men who look down on women and let them know that women are not worse than men. What men can do, women can do, and do better.

Therefore, years of hard work and struggle have made me a proud daughter in my mother's heart, the first person admitted to the university in that small mountain village, and I have the honor to become a favored son of heaven and walk into the ivory tower that countless students dream of.

In the ivory tower, I sat at the same table with the children in the city because my family was poor; The simple appearance was ridiculed and wronged, but I never cried, because I walked out of my unique life with the efforts and wisdom my mother gave me.

However, even if I am so smart, I am destined to be a rebellious child after all: I didn't go back to my hometown and work and live with my mother as my mother hoped. Because I never dared to go near that "home", I never had a concept of "home". What I want to do is to find and find a "home" that belongs to me. Even if I fail in the end, I will keep looking.

So, in the shocked eyes of all my classmates and teachers, I chose my own road of wandering and exile: I went to a remote place to teach. Everyone disapproves of my choice, because I am really a fool: give up the bright "future" and "money way" to choose a place with neither "future" nor "money way" to realize my dream.

The years pass by inadvertently. Looking at the years I have passed and the innocent faces that accompany me, I seem to find the shadow of "home", although this "home" is just a warm egg; A bright smile; A pair of clear eyes; A sincere title ...

In the passage of time, I met someone who could let me stay for him, because his appearance made my vague picture of "home" clearer: I should summon up courage to create my own realistic "home" and let me truly experience the specific concept of "home", not just an illusory landscape.

So, I started my own wandering again, bid farewell to the place that once gave me the shadow of "home" and started a new journey for the "home" in my heart. I finally crossed Qianshan and came to the man who I believe we can have a "home". In the sky of a foreign land, I began to work hard for my "home" again: I kept running job fairs and learning new technologies; Constantly calculating the rent ... but I have never given up my insistence on "home", and the man I like has never given up my insistence on love.

Finally, after all the hardships and the dust settled, we finally have our own "home" and children in this strange city. At this moment, I finally saw what my "home" looks like: I don't need a luxurious appearance, but I must have a warm connotation; It doesn't need colorful noise, but it must have a quiet that people like; It doesn't need a spacious room, but it must be inclusive.

"Mom, how long will it take us to get to grandma's house?" My son who accompanied me along the way finally couldn't help wondering how far home is.

"Home is always there, mom loves you, dad loves you, and you love mom and dad. Our home has always been there. Where love is, home is "This is the answer I found about" home ". I believe that many years later, my son will still remember our "home".