An English joke

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather ... not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car. Don't argue with idiots. He will pull you to his level and beat you with experience. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you. But it's still on the list 5. If sex is a kind of pain, you are doing something wrong ... The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 7. We live in a society where pizza arrives at your house before the police. 8. Making love is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand Some people are like spring dogs ... they are not good for anything, but when you see a person fall down the stairs, you can't help laughing. 10, politicians and diapers have one thing in common. For the same reason, they should all be replaced regularly. 1 1, war does not decide who is right-only who is left. Women may be able to fake orgasms. But men can pretend to be in a complete relationship. We never really grew up, we just learned how to behave in public. 14, men have two emotions: hunger and lust. If you see that he has no erection, make him a sandwich. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people look smart until you hear them. My mother never found it ironic to call me a son of a bitch. I thought I wanted a career, but I just wanted a salary. If you think nobody cares about your life or death, try paying less. Sex is not the answer. Sex is a problem. The answer is "yes". The evening news begins with "good evening" and then tells you why not. A careless match can cause a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to light a campfire. How is this? 22. If 4 out of 5 people have diarrhea ... does this mean that one person likes it? 23, knowledge is to know that tomatoes are a kind of fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. If God is watching us, we can at least entertain the public. 25. Under any circumstances, never take sleeping pills and laxatives at the same time in the same night. I didn't fight to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian. The railway station is where the train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation .. If I agree with you, we are both wrong. Do you know that dolphins are very clever? Within a few weeks of being imprisoned, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw fish at them. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in boxing. 3 1, I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "guess" printed on it ... so I said "implant?" Children: You taught them to walk and talk in the first two years of their lives. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up. 33. Why do some people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but some people will check when you say the paint is wet? It is better to remain silent and be considered a fool than to speak out and eliminate all doubts. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Laugh at your question and everyone else will do the same. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory. A good girl is a bad girl who will never be caught. 40. The person who smiles in the crisis finds someone to blame. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with bald heads and beer bellies and think they are sexy. Tibia is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. The main reason why Santa Claus is so happy is that he knows where all the bad girls live. Stealing ideas from a person is plagiarism. Stealing from many people is research. Some people can bring happiness wherever they go. The others go whenever they want. 46. I found that whether I was about to be swallowed by a great white shark or a piece of seaweed touched my foot, I would make the same cry. A crowded elevator tastes different to a dwarf. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Whenever I fill out the application form, in the column of "If there is an emergency, please inform", I fill in "doctor". What is my mother going to do? God must love stupid people. He did a lot. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. I always take life with a grain of salt, ... with a slice of lemon, ... and a glass of tequila. The only purpose of giving a child a middle name is to let him know when he is really in trouble. 54. It's not you who fell to death; It's a sudden stop at the end. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Never hit a person with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. There is a fine line between hugging and holding someone so that they can't escape. A bargain is something you don't need, but the price makes you irresistible. 59. Never fight with ugly people. They have nothing to lose. My opinion may have changed, but the fact that I am right will not change. My therapist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted to hear other people's opinions. He said, well, you are ugly, too. A little boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying." 63. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I said, "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will expect you to join them, so you will be surprised. When in doubt, mumble. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Hospitality: Make your guests feel at home, even if you want them to feel at home. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing can stimulate your intelligence like a computer. Knowledge is power, and power leads to corruption. So study hard and be evil. Money can't buy happiness, but it does make pain more bearable. Always borrow money from pessimists. He won't expect it to come back. 72. Worried! 90% of what I'm worried about will not happen. 73. Virginity is like a soap bubble. Once poked, it disappears. Nostalgia is not what it used to be. With enough thrust, pigs can fly well. I should have known that my ex-wife and I would never work out. After all, I am a Libra and she is a bitch. He Man greeting card: "I feel so miserable without you, as if you were still here." 78. It's never too old to learn. A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to this trip. I once had a fight with a big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll regret it." He said, "Oh, really? Why? " I said, "well, you won't get into the corner well." Some people hear voices .. Some people see invisible people .. Others have no imagination. I like working. This fascinates me. I sat and watched it for hours. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. Women may not hit harder, but they will hit lower. Just remember ... if the world doesn't rot, we will all fall. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I don't believe in anything that won't die after five days of bleeding. If you always keep your feet on the ground, it will be difficult for you to put on your pants. In order to ensure that you hit the target, shoot first and call it what you hit. You are such a good friend. If we are on a sinking ship together and only have a life jacket ... I will miss you very much and often think of you. Going to church will not make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage will make you a car. Change is inevitable, except for vending machines. If you should learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? A bus is a means of transportation. When you chase it, its speed is twice as fast as when you are on the bus. The person who coined the phrase "as quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on a mouse. You don't need a parachute for skydiving. Only one parachute is needed for skydiving twice. The difference between oral thermometer and rectal thermometer lies in taste. When trying to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire brigade usually uses water. 100, remember, if you smoke in after making love, you smoke too fast.