Looking for a great joke

1. I was at a friend’s house that day and couldn’t find my cell phone, so I borrowed his girlfriend’s cell phone and dialed it to find out where it was. After entering my number and pressing the dial button, the screen displayed my saved name: SB3 (then I felt relieved that it was the third runner-up...) 2. When I took out my pocket, a key fell. I didn't find it at the time, but I went back to look for it later! There was a young couple on the roadside. The man suddenly said excitedly: Whose is it? Whose is it? I thought it was the key and quickly said: Mine, mine! It was mine. Later I found out that the woman was pregnant. . . . Pity my face. . . It hurts for a few days. 3. I had a group meeting at school today and suddenly sneezed unexpectedly. When I raised my head, I found that mucus had hit the back of the girl in front of me. The girl didn't notice it, so she secretly wanted to wipe it for her. As soon as I put my hand up, the girl next to me noticed it and yelled, "Why are you wiping your nose on someone else!!?" 5. When I was in college, my classmates had a dinner and drank one glass after another. There was a reaction. . . I rushed to the toilet and before I could stand up, it spurted out and filled the floor. . . . Susukou went back and sat down, as if nothing was wrong. After a while, my friend got up and said he needed to go to the toilet. I kindly advised: "Don't go, someone just vomited. It's so disgusting." 6. When I got on the bus in the afternoon, I took out my bus card and put it in the coin hole. 7. When I was in middle school, I didn’t do an assignment well. The teacher gave me two words of approval on the assignment book and asked me to do it again. The next morning I went to buy breakfast, and then I gave the assignment book to my deskmate and asked him to help me. Hand in, the most classic part appeared, the old man wrote after redoing, "Don't do it." Hand in, next, there will be a tragedy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,, What's even more tragic is that he told me just after graduation, ,,,,, 9. I bought socks at a street stall, a pair for a dollar, cheap. I originally wanted to buy thirty pairs, but only the same black style was left. Yes, the sock seller lied to me and said that one color is good and no one can tell if I lose one and put the other one on top... I thought it was right, so I bought thirty pairs... just two. The weather changed... As it turned out, almost two months later, my deskmate couldn't stand it any longer and said: You're so lazy, why didn't you even bother to change your socks in two months? Me:.... 10 , The temperature has cooled down recently, and I saw a strong man on the highway, driving a convertible sports car and wearing a motorcycle helmet. 11. On a whim, I used my photo as my computer desktop...and then my computer was infected... 12. A classmate in high school said in his sleep, "My beloved concubine, my beloved concubine, don't leave me." I petrified... After a while, "The great Qing Dynasty will I am not willing to die like this, I am not willing to accept it.” I collapsed immediately... 13. Let’s talk about my wife. The day before yesterday, my wife went online to find a financial software, so I gave her the computer and I watched from the side. My wife skillfully opened www.google.com, entered "Baidu" in the search bar, then opened Baidu in the search results, and continued to look for what she wanted - - Now, when I want to find something, I always tell my wife to go to Google Baidu. ... 14. Tell me about a classmate’s parents. His parents had just started dating. One day when I went shopping, my mother fell in love with a down jacket, but when I saw the price, I turned my father away. His dad said: If we can’t afford it, why don’t we give it a try? His father forced his mother into the changing room. When his mother came out, his father looked around, pulled his mother and ran away, saying: Run! While the salesperson is away! His mother was wearing that down jacket, with the tags floating outside. She was dragged by his father and ran outside. He happened to pass by a pillar, and his mother hugged the pillar and cried. His dad turned around and said seriously: Run! Are you waiting to be caught? His mother cried even harder. Then his dad laughed: Hahahaha...I paid for the clothes when you came in.

16. My girlfriend wanted to check her phone bill, so she sent a text message to 10086: How much is my phone bill left? 18. The funniest thing happened when I was in high school and I had no money. We often pooled money to buy cigarettes. My buddy and I bought them that day. I had a pack of cigarettes and was about to go to the toilet to smoke, but it turned out that it was class. It was the class teacher's class. Forget it, let's go to class first. During class, I saw that guy writing a note furtively, then he kneaded a big ball and threw it to me. She came over and was seen by the class teacher. The class teacher came down and took it away. She stood on the podium and started chanting. If I knew what it said, I would rather swallow it than let the class teacher open her mouth: "Yak (my maternal nephew)" No., my classmates will recognize me if they are on the list)", the whole class burst into laughter... "Take two of this pack of cigarettes for ZJ first" The whole class continued to laugh... except ZJ "I am giving it to the boss (except one classmate) "No, it's not really the boss) take two." The whole class continued to burst into laughter... Except for ZJ and the boss, "Let's split the remaining two equally." The whole class was already laughing so hard that their stomachs hurt... The most classic one appeared, "You want a box?" If you want one less stick, if you don’t want to put it in a box, one more stick.” The whole class burst into laughter... I was completely speechless... 囧RZ 20. Yesterday at Wal-Mart, I suddenly had a stomachache, so I forced myself to rush into the bathroom, and as soon as I squatted down, the shaking started. The eruption caused the child next door to cry loudly. Her mother asked her what was wrong, and she said, it stinks~~ 22. When I was in high school, everyone would get together to smoke after class. That day, I happened to have a rather proud thing to tell everyone. , but I smoked too slowly. Everyone else had finished smoking, and I still had half a cigarette left. I saw that class was about to begin, so I took two big puffs. Suddenly, the class teacher came in. I threw the cigarette to the ground, stepped on it with my foot, but I just took a puff. I had to hold my breath after taking two puffs of cigarettes. The class teacher had seen it and came over to ask me, do you smoke? I shook my head. Class teacher: I continued to talk and shook my head. The class teacher was angry: You talk to me. Me: I... don't... smoke... (accompanied by Smoke continued to spurt from his nose and mouth) The head teacher couldn't hold back his laughter... 23. Today, I went to dinner with my colleagues after get off work. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with chili and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked it up with chopsticks. Raise your hair and shout, boss~~Look what this is? The boss looked at it and yelled, "Come on!" Give this lady a pair of chopsticks 27. The teacher likes to get involved in the topic. One day the teacher gave a topic: "My base radius is 20cm, my height is 50cm, then I..." Someone below said: "It's a rice bucket..." 31 , a real life story like the one next door to me in my second year of high school... A certain person A was sleeping in class... The teacher found out that he was very angry... and asked A to go to the blackboard to solve the problem... If he couldn't write, he was ready to humiliate A in public. In fact, before A even reached the blackboard, the teacher started to criticize him... I feel so shameless that he dared to sleep in class with such poor grades. He kept his head at home... he would only sleep all day... I didn't expect... that he could actually write. ..The explanation was very beautiful... The teacher couldn't get off the stage... I had to ask him to go back to his seat and leave him alone... Unexpectedly, he actually choked with the teacher... I'll take a nap first. Ask me if you have any questions later. 32. My brother went to a certain elementary school to play basketball and heard a girl in the lower grade ask a boy in the lower grade: "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly: "My mother Give me 3 yuan a day, and you use two and a half yuan to buy snacks. Do you think I love you or not? 33. By the way, my girlfriend works as a summer job and sells mobile phones in a mobile phone plaza. One day at noon, During lunch time, there was almost no one in the store. An uncle-like person came to the counter next to my girlfriend and looked at his mobile phone. It happened that the girl at the counter had not eaten yet. He looked weak. The uncle didn't look like someone who bought a mobile phone. When he didn't get up, he put his arms on the counter to support his head. Because this girl's breasts were relatively large, the uncle suddenly realized that he could see her breasts. His eyes were straight. My wife noticed I wanted to remind the girl, but she didn't respond. After a few minutes, the girl said: Brother, have you seen enough? Just buy a mobile phone... But the uncle didn't say anything, bought a mobile phone and took it away. He ran away... 34. I heard from a friend that a relative of one of his colleagues came to Xiamen. The relative gave him a Xiamen e-card and got on the bus.

I wanted to remind her not to shout: "What did you say?". Unexpectedly, my female colleague not only didn’t respond, she thought I didn’t hear clearly. She made a trumpet shape with her hands and put it in front of her mouth and shouted every word louder: “Did you hear that? My husband is not at home, hurry up. Come up, wait a minute!” 49. There are frequent scandals in Wuhan University. I don’t know if this counts. There was a Zhou Yi class in Wuhan University. The teacher came in with a compass and walked around the classroom in a dazed manner, and then , spit out a sentence: Classmates, it is not appropriate to go to class today. School is over. 52. A high school classmate of mine worked as a toll collector at a highway intersection after graduation. One day, a Japanese man came to his window and asked for directions. He couldn't understand a word of the Japanese's fluent English, but his strong patriotism told him that he could not embarrass himself in front of the Japanese, so he smiled and nodded: "yes, yes, yes~!" Then the Japanese People ride bicycles on the highway! 53. My wife and I went to visit Wat Pho. My wife couldn’t walk on the road, so I carried her on my back. An old woman saw it and said seriously: "Look, you are also a person who has read a book." If your wife is sick, you should go to the hospital early. Praying to Buddha is useless. 54. The classmates went on a trip and climbed to the top of the mountain. One girl stood on the top of the mountain very excitedly and shouted: Motherland, my mother! Then a boy who had a crush on this girl shouted excitedly: Motherland, my mother-in-law! 55. My house was rented to a Japanese guest. One day, the guest called me and said in not very fluent Chinese: "Chen Dian (sang), the natural gas at home is running out. Can you help me refill it?" "Just a moment!" Since the guests usually rarely bother me, I really hope not to cause any inconvenience to him because of the house, so I asked casually: "Kurokawa-don (sang), are you dead now?" @#......￥@#, I felt something was wrong as soon as I said the words. Fortunately, I am Japanese and I don’t understand the “essence” of Chinese, so I actually replied: “I haven’t died yet, I estimate that I will die within three days!” (o!o) 57. When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, was holding a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's restroom." The math office was indeed next to the men's restroom, but on the left. The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" to the door. After a pause, a voice came from inside: "No entry!" 60. When I picked up the car from the carport and saw no one around, I boldly put a P, which caused a loud noise from the motorcycle anti-theft device next door. 62. When I was in high school, I liked playing football. My GF often watched me play. One time I During the practice shooting post, she ran over and said, "Can you kick me down when I'm standing there?" (about 15 meters away) I said give it a try! As a result, I don't know which meridian was drawn, and a powerful volley hit my head! ! I cried on the spot and stopped talking to me for a week because of this! 65. Once, after the school bell rang, a boy rushed into the classroom and rushed to the last row. The teacher said: Some students are late, please come in through the back door, don't disturb others! After the boy sat down, he took out the bun and took a bite. He found a beautiful girl next to him and kept staring at her. He thought that MM hadn't had breakfast either, so he gave her the buns diligently. The teacher spoke again, this time with an ugly face: Forget it if some students are late and are still eating breakfast in class, it’s okay to eat it yourself, so don’t give the buns to the teacher!