Any new jokes?

Youth: Master, why did I put a row of local gold iPhones in front of the temple and those beautiful female pilgrims still didn't ask me for my phone number? Zen master turned away from him! The young man said, "Master, you also think that my nouveau riche is too strong, so others dislike me, don't you?" Master: "No, it's just that you've been sticking a cell phone at the entrance of the temple for years. I don't want to see you again! " "Going out to walk the dog at night, a woman in front bought something on the side of the road and paid for it. Before anyone could pick it up, my second-rate dog rushed to pick up the dollar at a speed of 100 meters, turned around and sprinted back to me, put down a dollar and stuck out his tongue with his mouth open. That woman was stunned ... I want to say I don't know her! ! A teacher assigned a task to her students, making sentences with "pleading" and "demanding".

After the exercise book was handed in, one of them answered all his life: Yesterday my mother stewed a pot of pig's trotters. When it was not ripe, my father ate a piece and said, "Please don't move." Mom said, "I ask you to chew!" " "

Sparrows and crows form a dragon gate array together.

The sparrow said, what kind of bird are you?

The crow said: I am your phoenix!

Sparrow: How can a phoenix be as black as your turtle son?

Crow: You know shovels. I'm a Phoenix sulfur-burning boiler. . .

The Jade Emperor and the Tathagata argued about who was the great man in the sky.

Jade Emperor: I am the master of heaven!

Tathagata: You were beaten by a monkey.

Jade Emperor: I was robbed at 17500!

Tathagata: You were beaten by a monkey.

Jade Emperor: Can we not talk about monkeys?

Tathagata: Your sister was slept by mortals.

Jade Emperor: …

Tathagata: Your daughter was slept by mortals.

Jade Emperor: …

Tathagata: By the way, your niece has also been slept by mortals.

Jade Emperor: Fuck! Send you to the west!

1. A leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, and there is nothing more to say.

2. Old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

3. Once I went to buy mutton skewers, I stretched out four fingers and said to my boss, "Three mutton skewers." The boss got "how much?" I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

4. My name is Zhu, and I manage the computer room of the unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!"

6. I just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

7. When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

......

A comrade-in-arms is in hospital.

We take turns visiting.

Everyone brings fruit.

The residents are quite generous.

Throw a fruit from the bed to the bed for the patient to taste.

A beautiful nurse, mm, just came in.

My brother threw a banana.

The nurse said solemnly, "I won't eat."

The buddy replied smoothly: "It's not for you to eat, it's for you to play!" " "

The bananas that were thrown back immediately hit each other.

I finally fell down ... with a long nosebleed.

Comment: Dude is too NB. I wonder when the nurse will give you an oversized syringe.

I went on a blind date today and asked the girl: How old are you? She answered quite proudly: 34C.

Comment: When a straightforward man meets a unrestrained woman, alas! Alas, alas.

Today, the school held a school sports meeting. At that time, it was a 400X400 relay. A man handed a stick to a woman, and his wife made a gesture to pick it up when she saw that the man was coming. As a result, the woman waved her left hand backwards, grabbed the man's penis and ran forward ... the audience broke out ...

Comment: Does that man know whether it hurts or feels good? Hmm. How interesting

The pilot prepares for a physical examination.

A promising buddy came out glumly after his physical examination. We asked, how about it?

Fuck, I failed.

Hey? No way. You haven't seen it?

elegant

What's the matter?

Heart?

Huh? What happened to your heart?

Fuck! The nurse who measured my heartbeat was a D cup and said it was arrhythmia after the test. ...

Comment: It's about nurses again. Keep hurting.

Today, my friend's wife gave birth to a baby When I went to the hospital to see pediatrics, I found that a child of 1 year old was inflamed by his father playing with his penis. ...

Comment: I guess this old boy was played like this by his father when he was a child.

8. For a while, everyone was discussing how much "inventory" they had on their computers. Others say that they have a lot of G movies in their computers. Later, I asked my friend how much he had, and my friend calmly replied "20G". Everyone laughed at him. He only has a little. Later, my friend calmly added "seed" ...

Comment: I guess we saw many awesome people like him on the forum?

9. My husband went to the bar at night.

I feel uneasy at home.

I saw two o'clock and sent a short message.

Tell him to hurry home and hand in his homework (you know)

There was no response for a long time.

I called, pressed it for me, and turned it off.

i was frustrated

A strange number sent a message: I got your homework!

Comments: This year, small three are better than cattle.

10. When I was a child, I played with several girls next door … Later, a water column came out of a place … I told everyone … It was groundwater … It was very sweet … So I took the lead in drinking … Everyone drank … It was so sweet … I went home … Later, my mother said that the septic tank in the toilet next to me was blocked … I was very calm …

Comment: in tucao rice, eating S can eat such a high level!

1 1. Primary school is probably Grade One or Two. I probably ate it wrong at noon, and my stomach cramped all afternoon. Children's ridiculous concerns lead me not to go to the toilet, bb. I will never forget the torture I suffered that afternoon. Walking home from school is still a long way, neither slow nor fast, so I have to endure tears and move home. Halfway from home, I finally collapsed. A mass of warm poop was pulled down the trouser leg and fell to the ground. This is really a "shoot", which took me all the way to Wenying in autumn.

My neighbor's aunt just came to buy food. ...

"Little 7!" She cried, "Look at your feet! You stepped on the dog s! "

At that time, my heart was gloomy and complicated.

Comments: This kid must have been very confused at that time.

12. My cousin and I set off a firecracker and somehow set fire to the toilet made of corn stalks in the field. Go home and find an adult to put out the fire.

After putting out a moderate-intensity fire with sand.

Only then did I find that there was actually another person inside, calmly squatting …

Comment: That man must have a dying heart. He met these hooligans.

13. When I was a child, when I was 6 or 7 years old, I set off firecrackers in the New Year, picked up all the things that fell to the ground and broke them one by one. I poured gunpowder into the ashtray and collected it to make a big one. Just after I was busy, my friend asked me to go out to play, so I put the ashtray on the table. After a while, the uncle next door came to pay a New Year call. My father told my uncle to smoke. My uncle is smoking a cigarette. When he saw that his cigarette was better than his, he put his cigarette in the ashtray ... After a flash of fire ... my uncle went to the hospital and I was beaten. ...

Comment: I remember that my school would directly shoot the drunken uncle three times.

14. I remember once when I was cutting BP, I set up a platform with a doctor who came to study. Tell the patient to take off his pants and lie down to start the operation. Seeing that the doctor's hand holding a needle and tweezers is just the opposite of usual, I casually asked: Hey, are you left-handed? Before the doctor could answer, he heard the following patient shout: Wow, doctor, you are awesome. I know I'm left-handed by looking at my penis ~ ~

Comment: God, isn't this life awesome?

15. My husband is outside KF, and two people watch If You Are the One together. A man and a woman upstairs are in full swing ~ that woman has been singing SY…… loudly .................. At first, the two of us were going to ignore it ... Later, she shouted louder and louder ... which affected the mood of watching TV ... My husband looked at me with a smile and asked. So, I took a deep breath. Shout a sentence loudly ...

Short ~ ~ ~ ~ Dad, you are great ~ ~ ~ Short ~

There was a sudden silence upstairs. ...

Husband thundered. ...

Comment: Even I was arrived by Lei Zhen. I can only say that this big sister is too unrestrained.

16. In high school, I studied for a day.

The boy in the front seat suddenly turned around and said to me affectionately: I miss you all the time ~ ~

At that time, my face turned red. ...

It took me two seconds to remember that I just scolded him: your mind is full of shit! !

Fight back, hit him ...

Comment: I have learned it, and I will mess with the female colleagues in our office in the future.

17. classmate a, male, has had a crush on c in my dormitory for a long time, and sent a text message to express his confession. The text message said, "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you."

When did you first meet me?

A: On the first day of school, I saw you come to school with your family. The skirt you were wearing at that time was very beautiful.

C: I didn't wear a skirt that day. The one in the skirt is my mother!

Comment: That guy probably collapsed infinitely on the spot.

65438+ came out after a full meal and saw that the car was gone. The words "Please go to XX Traffic Police Brigade to lead the car" are written in chalk on the ground. My classmate decided to call the leader and said that the maintenance car was towed away by the traffic police. Then the leader replied: Never mind, go back to tea. As a result, they went back to drink for more than an hour. When they went out, the car was towed back to its original place ... sorry.

It is said that that morning, all the fixed telephones of the traffic police brigade in the city could not be dialed in or out, and all the lines were busy ... busy ... lines. ...

Comment: can the result be worse when the cow meets the cow?

19. Today, I had a stomachache and stayed in the toilet for a long time. My father suspected that I masturbated in it. My sister passed by and told my dad that if he masturbated, it wouldn't take so long. -_-! !

Comment: It seems that this elder sister often takes care of her younger brother!

20. I lie in bed with a stomachache in the afternoon. My husband poured me warm water, but I didn't bring any medicine. I said, "Honey, medicine." The husband looked surprised: "medicine?" I said, "Well, medicine." Then he came over and began to untie my skirt …

Comment: I'm angry. This lad must have done it on purpose! If my wife and uncle say nothing, let my little brother kill her together.