Collecting funny jokes

1. I heard that making a wish is particularly effective when there are meteors passing through the sky. That day I made a wish on a shooting star, hoping that you would become smarter. Holy shit! Guess what? The meteor actually flew back along the same path! < /p>

3. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today." Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6." Mother: " That's right, and what next." Son: "Then the teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing!" Son: "That's what I said too...

4. A prisoner was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced by "XX County" and were of poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot...the third shot...then the prisoner burst into tears. : "Strangle me to death, it's too scary!"

5. The father told his son a story: "The uncle asked Xiaoyang to chop firewood, but Xiaoyang chopped down the uncle's favorite peach tree. "It fell. The uncle was very angry when he saw it but didn't scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied: "Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still has an ax in his hand. So he didn't dare to scold him

6. The doctor asked the patient how he had broken the bone. He replied: I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes against the telephone pole. I shook and shook... Someone thought I had been electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave it to me. Two sticks.

7. A judge looked sideways and tried three criminal suspects, A, B and C.

The judge said to A: "Did you steal the thing?"

B replied: "No"

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you. "

C said: "I didn't say anything. ”

8. The last bus

At night, on the last bus, a woman in white sat in the last row.

The driver looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the woman was gone. , Surprised!

I stopped and turned around, where was the person sitting?

I continued to drive and looked in the rearview mirror, but the woman was not there. I stopped and turned around again, and the woman appeared again.

Keep driving and look in the rearview mirror, the woman is gone!

Stop suddenly, the woman comes slowly, her hair messy and her face covered with blood, and she says in a low voice:

"I'm here!" Have a grudge against you? As soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly; as soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly. ”

9. Know your own people well

A group of professors were invited onto a plane.

After sitting down, they were told that the plane belonged to them Designed by students.

As a result, all the professors got off the plane.

Only one professor sat there motionless.

Someone asked him why he didn’t get off the plane quickly. , he said: “Don’t worry, this plane can’t fly at all. "

10. Teachers who care about students

One day, the math teacher said after class: "Students, the high school entrance examination is about to take place." In order for everyone to get good grades, I went to the bookstore last night to find a very good tutoring material. A lot of the content on it is from the high school entrance examination in previous years. I suggest..."

Also Before he finished speaking, he was interrupted by a male voice: "Stop talking so much nonsense and make an offer! ”

11. I didn’t bring any books

The academic style of my classmate’s school is not very strong, and no one comes to class at the end of the year.

By the way, my classmate is still He was very obedient and went to class once.

It turned out that he was the only one in the classroom that could accommodate 100 people. The teacher was moved when he saw his eagerness to learn and said, "I am a classmate." Let me draw the key points for you!

The best thing is that my classmate said: "Teacher, I didn't bring a book. "

12. Serving food

In the cafeteria, student A said to student B:

"The new semester is a new atmosphere. The portions of the dishes today were obviously larger than before, and our opinions were finally taken seriously. "

Student B patted him on the shoulder and said, "Don't think too much. The master has been on leave for two months and his hands are a bit raw. "

13. You can only demonstrate once

The instructor of the Iraqi suicide bombing training camp said to the young men who had just entered the camp training:

"Everyone, please pay attention. Wait, I will only demonstrate this thing once! ”

14. Don’t waste salt when cooking

I was hungry last night, so I went to eat some noodles.

After the water boiled, I added salt, but I accidentally spilled the salt on my hands.

I didn’t want to waste it, so I put my hand in the pot and rinsed it...

15. I’m drunk!

One day, Xiao Ming’s phone rang. Xiao Ming immediately picked up the phone and said:

“Hello, this is a phone message. Please leave a message after you hear du.”< /p>

The other end of the phone did not respond for a long time, and Xiao Ming said angrily: "I'm so confused, why don't you say anything?"

16. People who can sleep

Everyone knows about the college entrance examination in the past few days

Just now I saw a status posted by a god on Weibo: Damn, I got up late, prepare to repeat the exam next year.

People who can sleep cannot afford to be hurt.

17. You look like shit

I once had a quarrel with a classmate. He was so arrogant that I couldn't quarrel with him.

When I was anxious, I said: "I spit on your face, you look like shit."

After hearing this, he looked at me for a few seconds, and he stopped arguing.

18. What do you want others to say?

The pastor asked the church members: "When you are lying in the coffin, what do you want others to say?"

One person said: “I want people to say I’m a family person.”

Another person said, “I want people to say I’m helpful.”

A third person said, “I want people to say I’m a family person.” : 'Look, he seems to be moving! '"

19. The door that can't be pushed open

Patient: "Doctor, I always have the same nightmare recently. What the hell is this? What happened?"

Doctor: "What are you dreaming about?"

Patient: "I always dreamed that I walked to a door, so I pushed it. Push it, but it won't open!"

Doctor: "What's on the door?"

Patient: "There's a word 'pull'..."

20. Those who study well and those who study poorly

Children who study well before the exam say "I'm going to take the exam!", while those who study poorly say "I'm going! It's the exam!"

21. Hold my hand

The warden asked the death-row inmate sitting in the electric chair before execution: "Do you have any other requests?"

The death-row inmate: "I just I hope you can hold my hand during the execution and make me feel better."

After the exam, the children who studied well said, "I passed the exam!" Damn it! It’s over!”

21. I can’t take this class

School just started after the winter vacation, and 80% of the students in a second-grade elementary school were doing their own things. .

The teacher was furious: "You can do whatever you want! This class is useless."

A classmate calmly raised his hand: "Teacher, can I set off the cannon?"

The teacher casually said: "Whatever."

The student casually took out a bunch of firecrackers from his schoolbag and set them off in the classroom...

22 .

My son came home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in today's exam." The father was very angry: "Next time you get a low grade in the exam, don't call me dad!" The next day his son came back: "I'm sorry, brother!"

23.

Chinese Leaders Whose bodyguard is more loyal to the American leader? The American leader ordered his bodyguard to jump from the 10th floor. The bodyguard knelt down and said, "Don't do this, I still have my family." So the President of the United States relented. The Chinese leader ordered the bodyguard to jump, but the Chinese bodyguard jumped without saying a word. The President of the United States was so frightened that he quickly grabbed him. The Chinese bodyguard said: "Don't be like this, I still have my family."

24.

Teacher: "Nobita, the teacher will give you 90 yuan. You can borrow another 10 yuan from Fat Tiger." , how much money do you have in total?”

Nobita: “0 yuan”

Teacher: “You don’t understand mathematics at all”

Nobita: "You don't understand Fat Tiger at all!!!"

25.

Patients in the intensive care unit of a certain hospital always die around eleven o'clock on Sundays, which makes Doctors were confused and even thought it was a supernatural incident, so they set up an expert team to investigate the cause of the incident. On Sunday, the clock had just struck eleven o'clock. It was discovered through the monitor that the cleaner who cleaned on Sunday walked into the intensive care unit, unplugged the life support system cord of the seriously ill patient, then plugged in the vacuum cleaner and started cleaning. . .

26.

The handsome guy opposite is really wasting his noodles. After two bites of noodles, he left. So I righteously poured the bowl of noodles to the hungry wild cat on the roadside. After a while, the handsome boy came back with a bottle of water in his hand. Looking at the empty bowl with suspicion... At that moment, I just wanted to be a passerby eating noodles...

27.

I went to the school supermarket to buy things today.

Don’t you have to swipe the barcode when you check out? There will be a "beep" sound~

The braised egg I bought cannot be swiped out...

I don’t know what I was thinking in my head at that time...

Just like this, a sentence came out slowly:

"Beep!~~~"

The whole audience was petrified~~~

26. A girl who looks like a king

When I picked up the plane at noon, a couple stood next to me.

The girl is dressed very colorfully, with blue and white striped pants, purple high heels, a sequined T-shirt and a pink suit.

She acted coquettishly to her husband: "Do you think I look good in my dress today?"

Her husband replied calmly: "Well, it's good. I'll change my suit to red." More like the king of poker."

27. Eye-catching

During class, a classmate was sleeping on his stomach and the classmate in front of him farted very smelly;

< p>The person who was sleeping in the back suddenly started to do it, rubbed his eyes and said: "This fart is so annoying!"

28. There is no failure in the dictionary

In class, the teacher said: " There is no word 'failure' in the dictionary of my life!"

Just after I finished speaking, a dictionary came from below: "Teacher, I will lend it to you!"

Teacher! : "You stand up for this class."

29. I have tolerated her for a long time

After a fight with my wife, I came to the room alone, closed the door and felt depressed lying on the bed with eyes closed.

At some point, my son who was in kindergarten stood in front of the bed and asked in a sympathetic tone: "It's very depressing, isn't it?"

I opened my eyes and looked at my son and sighed. tone.

My son patted me on the shoulder and said: "Hey, women are like this! I have tolerated her for a long time."

30. You can give it an animal world

I went to an Internet cafe to surf the Internet. The buddy sitting next to me brought a pet dog (a very small one) and put it on the computer table. The buddy played games by himself.

After a while, the dog was crawling around on the keyboard;

After several warnings to no avail, the guy got angry and yelled at the dog: "Do you want it? Turn on the computer?"

31. Shouting slogans

During the last morning exercise in the senior year, the whole class collectively shouted the slogan: "Tsinghua University, Peking University, Cambridge and Harvard, don't bother. ."

Later, one of the classes at the back replied: "Old Immortal Xingxiu has boundless power."

32. The bungee rope is broken

There is someone there. Question online: If you were bungee jumping and fell halfway, and you found that the rope was broken, what would you say (only 2 words)?

Most of them said things like profiteers, holy shit, damn, etc., but a god replied: Transformation.

33. Big boy

While eating, my mother served a large bowl of rice to my father. When my father saw it, he said: "It's too much, I can't eat it."

The son answered: "You are such a big boy, why can't you eat it?"

The whole family laughed on the spot.

34. Driving a taxi with your eyes closed

I took a taxi home at midnight last night and sat in the back.

After walking for three minutes, I suddenly saw in the rearview mirror that my brother was sleeping and driving with his eyes closed!

Just when I was about to call him, he suddenly opened his eyes and asked me: "Brother, do you have a driver's license? I'll drive for a while, I'm so tired."

Then, I I drove the taxi home domineeringly...

35. The jade is constantly burned with your hair tangled up

It is said that if you wrap your hair around jade and burn it with a lighter, if your hair doesn't stop, it is real jade. .

My brother has a family heirloom that he has carried with him for more than ten years. One day, I had a sudden impulse and wanted to prove to my brother that it was of great value, so I used this method.

In the end, not only his hair was burned off, but the family heirloom that had been with him for more than ten years was burned...

36. Rural Children

City The kid in the village said arrogantly to the rural kid: Have you ever eaten McDonald's or KFC? The rural child shook his head and asked: Have you ever eaten vegetables without pesticides?

37. A true story

Tell me a true story. When I was a child, my family had to use a well to irrigate the orchard. My father had just installed the electric switch, and... He specifically told me not to touch the electric switch. This is an electric tiger that can eat people. After saying that, he went to work. I studied it for a long time. How could it eat people without even having a mouth? I was stupid and touched it, and I was lying on the ground in an instant. This wasn't gc gc. I got up and ran to the back of the house and memorized the multiplication table twice to make sure I wasn't shocked before I dared to sneak home.

38. Diversified careers

There is a park in my hometown with an ancient Buddhist temple, so there are many fortune-telling stalls. . . background. . . The next time I passed a fortune-telling stall, I heard the stall owner say to the stall owner next door: Business is too bad, help me look after the stall while I pick up the bottles. . . Pick up bottles. . . Sir, your career is so diverse!