English short jokes "with translation"

English Short Jokes "With Translation"

Married in Heaven

A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, ?If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"

A young couple had a car accident on their way to get married, and both died. . So they came to Saint Peter, and the wife asked if she could still marry her husband. Saint Peter told them that he would come back to them as soon as he had a result on this issue. Saint Peter came back almost 30 days later. and told them they could get married in heaven.

The wife asked again: "If life is unhappy, can we divorce?" Saint Peter looked at her and replied: "Madam, it took me 30 days to find a missionary. Do you really want me to find a lawyer?"

　On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books , and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance."

　On the first day of college, I sat in literature class. Front row. The professor told us we had to read five books this semester, and he provided us with a list of authors to choose from. Then he walked slowly onto the podium and took out his textbook, "Baker, Black, Bruce, Carter, Cook". In order to write down all the names, I had to record them like crazy. At this time, someone tapped me gently on the shoulder, and the student sitting behind me quietly told me: "He is taking roll call." ?

　　　　　　　　　　　Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."

Our university's school newspaper runs a weekly newspaper Ask column. Last week's question was: Who's autograph would you most like to have? Why? As expected, most of the answers were singers, sports stars or politicians. But the best answer came from a freshman who said: "The guy who signed my diploma."

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　My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."

The professor of our English class once talked about "motivation" in class. ?What drives you to move forward on the road of life? He asked, ?What brings you to school every day? What drives you to pursue success? To a female student, he asked: ?What makes you start from school in the morning? Who got up from the bed? The student replied: "My mother." ?

　Classes, Lovers and Donkeys

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back , looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

Professor Tom planned to meet with his students the next day, so he wrote on the blackboard: "Professor Tom will meet with everyone tomorrow." After seeing this notice, a student felt that it was an opportunity to show off his sense of humor, so he stepped forward and erased the "c" from "class". The professor heard the laughter, turned around and walked back. After looking at the student and then at the altered notice, the professor walked forward calmly, erased the ?l? from ?lass?, looked at the dumbfounded student, and walked away.

Mental deficiency

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don 't know much about history."

"Doctor, can you tell me," Bob asked, "how do you tell that a seemingly normal person has an intellectual disability? It doesn't get any easier than that," replied the doctor, "ask him a simple question, so simple that everyone knows the answer, and if he doesn't answer it crisply, you know what's going on. ?What kind of question do you want to ask? Well, you can ask like this, ?Captain Cook traveled around the world three times, but he died during one of them. Which time was it? Bob thought for a while and replied nervously, ?Can't you ask another question? Frankly, I don't know a lot about history. ?

Open book exam

On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business -management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.

I attend a community college in Santa Maria, California. On the day of the final exam, I heard that the bookstore was buying back our business administration textbooks. Before the exam, a few of us hurried to the bookstore to sell the books. Then, we sat in the classroom and waited for the exam. At this time, the professor announced: Considering the difficulty of the test questions, we decided to open book for today’s exam.

Captain's recording

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.

This is the voice of your captain. On behalf of the entire crew, please allow me to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We were at 35,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. If you look out the window from the right side of the plane, you will see that both right engines are on fire. If you look out from the left, you'll see that the wing over there has come off. If you look down at the Atlantic Ocean below, you'll see a yellow life raft with three people on it waving at you. That was me, the co-pilot and one of our female cabin crew members. This is a recording.

　One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said , "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're running! "

When I was a student at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau, one of my favorite teachers was known for his sense of humor.

In the first class for the new students, he explained to the students the discipline in his class. He said: "I know that my classes are often boring, so I don't mind if you watch the clock in class." However, I firmly do not allow you to slam your watch on the desk to check whether your watch is still running. ?

Traffic accident

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'

A man was driving on his way to work when a truck ran a red light and hit him from the side. He was unconscious in his car. Pedestrians on the roadside pulled him out of the car and woke him up. He struggled desperately and finally had to use drugs to calm him down. After a while, he calmed down. Others asked him why he was struggling so horribly. He said: "I didn't know anything after being hit. When I woke up, I found that I was lying on the roadside, with a huge giant in front of me." The billboard flashed "Shell", but someone blocked the "S".

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A letter to God

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.

There was a little boy who desperately needed $50. He prayed for it for weeks but nothing happened. Later, he decided to write a letter asking God for the $50. The post office received the letter and thought it over and thought it would be better to hand it to the president. The president was amused, so he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5, because he felt that $5 was a lot for a child. The little boy was very happy after receiving the money and wrote a letter of thanks to God. The letter said: Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I found out that the money was sent through the White House, so, as usual, the guys charged me $45 in taxes.

They were brought directly from the United States

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

An old Chinese woman came back from visiting her daughter in the United States. A city bank deposits dollars given to her by her daughter. At the bank counter, the bank clerk carefully checked each banknote to see if it was counterfeit.

This approach made the old woman very impatient. Finally, she couldn't bear it anymore and said: "Believe me, sir, and please believe in these banknotes." These are real US dollars, they are brought directly from the United States. ?;