Why does China's worldly wisdom make foreigners collapse?

When people from western countries come to Shanghai, their first impression is that China people are so fucked up.

Passengers waiting to get on the bus piled up at the subway gate, and cars on the road accelerated through the red light on the sidewalk; And urinating in public. Anyway, this is not your home, and there is no one around you.

They have various reasons for these rude behaviors. When westerners criticize this "China culture", Shanghainese will blame the farmers who moved from the countryside, although China people in Taiwan Province Province and Hongkong are more polite.

But there should be a deeper psychological reason, that is, the difference effect of China within or outside the ethnic group is particularly obvious.

If you are my friend, I can lose everything for you; If you are a stranger, if you look at me, I may chop you into shredded pork with Beijing sauce. The deep love for friends and the hatred for strangers form two completely opposite extremes.

Of course, what I said above can't represent the 654.38+04 billion people of China at all. My conclusion comes from some friends I met in Shanghai, Guangzhou and Boston.

But whether they are typical representatives or not, I have learned a lot from them. So what can westerners from the northeastern United States, especially westerners like me, learn from the Chinese?

Generosity and hospitality

In China, generosity is like saying "please" or "thank you", just like a reflex.

Obviously, such as paying in a restaurant. But it also contains subtle things, for example, as soon as you see the old man next door dirty himself, you immediately hand over a paper towel. Or bring her a glass of water immediately before she opens her mouth and puts her eyes on the water dispenser. It's like everyone is looking for the smallest and most inconvenient place for others and then responding or solving it immediately.

When my father flew to Fuzhou to give a speech, the host university sent a graduate student named Lily to accompany him. Once, she offered to help my father with his notebook, and my father said, no, I'm fine. Lily looked depressed at this time, and her father changed his mind and gave it to her. At this time, she became very cheerful.

That's what happened. In the face of hospitality, my father finally felt embarrassed. For Lily, it seems that only when she provides far more than she needs can she show herself, "Look! How good I am to you.

Once, I went to Yixing, about two hours away from Shanghai, for a week, accompanied by my colleague Dandan, our boss Angela, and Angela's son Ben. Because Dandan's mother is from Yixing and Angela is Dandan's boss, Dandan's mother politely arranged a black Audi A6 and a driver for our trip.

When the bus was about to leave Shanghai, Dandan, Angela and the driver took out snacks directly, but everyone brought enough snacks for the whole bus. A polite debate began:

When Dandan took out potato chips, Angela refused and took out peanut butter chaos, and then the drivers refused and took out several bottles of oolong tea for everyone.

The whole carriage is full of joy and three words: eat mine! Eat mine!

In the end, of course, the boss Angela won, and then we all enjoyed peanut butter quietly and drove on the G2 highway.

Actually, I want to say, can I just drink oolong tea?

An hour later, Dandan called his mother and told her that we had all eaten and there was no need to prepare dinner. Then her mother said, ok, just prepare some snacks.

When we arrived, Dandan's mother didn't prepare anything and invited us directly to the best hotel in Yixing.

It turned out that the "snacks" she prepared were eight famous foods in Yixing, such as Taihu soft-shelled turtle, lily petal soup, diced chestnuts and wild bamboo shoots. She even specially ordered a garden salad with mayonnaise (a kind of western sweet sauce), saying that it was specially prepared for foreign guests.

After a full meal, she served us at least five "snacks".

Interestingly, both westerners and Shanghainese in Shanghai have a reputation for being stingy.

Actions, not words.

When I started meeting Jane, I felt uneasy because she wouldn't say the sweet words or flirtations I wanted to hear from my girlfriend.

Once, I stayed in Indonesia for a week and returned to Shanghai. She didn't say anything like "I miss you" or "Nice to meet you", but as usual, we met in the company canteen. When I told her "I love you", she just nodded in reply, and I began to worry, does she really love me?

But at the same time, she did countless considerate things for me without any special reminder. She bought me an old navy suit. She took a silly photo of us with an old Polaroid camera and bought me a photo frame watch with rabbit ears.

On my birthday, she blew a lot of balloons and hung them everywhere. She went to a Mexican restaurant to buy potato chips and fresh salsa. She even arranged a wheelchair so that a friend of mine with a sprained ankle could come.

It doesn't seem enough. She cooked a very delicious dinner for me, with delicious red wine and fragrant candles, and drew an oil painting for me and quoted the words in the short message I sent her a month ago that I forgot myself. I'm worried because she says too little!

Su Wei, my Chinese teacher, is an activist through and through. One Christmas, I came to see him by train from new york.

Although I only have two hours, he drove 40 minutes to the railway station and 40 minutes back just to show me his new house, give me a book, give my mother a box of jasmine tea and a big bag of pistachios to take home.

After graduating from college, Su Wei opened her home to her favorite students and said, "This is your home"! Every time I go to his house, his wife Liu Mengjun always cooks a big meal, and there is always a bed in the guest room, so I want to stay there for one night.

Once I casually asked if there was any orange juice. Since then, every time I go to the refrigerator, there will always be a bottle of orange juice.

Su Wei is unique among my university professors. He is very concerned about students' lives and continues to support them as a friend and mentor after graduation. As a novelist, teacher and poet, he is better at expression than Jane, but his actions are still in the leading position.

Confucius said: A gentleman wants to be slower than words, but faster than deeds. It is a perfect description of Jane and Su Wei.

Introversion and sincerity

Our colleagues in China like to keep silent in unfamiliar social situations. They think "I don't want to stand out" or "I don't want to say the wrong thing", which makes the team lunch very boring.

Melissa, the manager of our American office, tried to make the Friday happy hour held by company employees more sociable, but most employees just returned to their desks with a bottle of beer and popcorn instead of socializing.

It seems that this is a waste of time, which makes Melissa often waste money.

This is almost the opposite of the boastful extroversion of Americans. Americans seem to have a script for these situations: "Hey, how are you recently", "What are you doing" and "What did you do at the weekend".

Of course, usually they don't care what the answer is. They may think, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mark! No one wants to listen to your bicycle trip, but this kind of scene will bring people together and promote new contacts.

These two attitudes, introversion and extroversion, cautious sincerity and casual chat, have brought different results.

The first attitude brings less intimate friendship, and this wave and that wave will become various small groups over time. And the second one will bring many acquaintances. Didn't Confucius say that "a man without friends is not as good as himself"? How could they do that?

On the other hand, small conversations can open the door to friendship, although these "friendships" are usually limited to hypocrisy. Generally speaking, Americans may be more outgoing, which may make them less lonely.

Of course, China also has his own dishonest social manners. Around all kinds of banquets, toasts and gifts, you can see all kinds of insincere pandering and taking part in accidental amusement. But even if it is not a sincere friendship, at least there is a strong bond of interdependence.

Fourth, this is not Boston.

Our background determines how we should get along with others.

I grew up in an environment where a friend paid his own bills and carefully managed his own time. Only when there is a real crisis will he show his strongest feelings, otherwise he will feel ashamed.

Through the silent code of the Internet, we can comfortably share with each other, have a small conversation, or sarcastically say "Nice to meet you", so that we can socialize without being too close. People here can also be generous and surprise people, but first you need to say what you need.

These friends I made in China once made me think about whether this is the best or the only way to get along with people. They tend to do more than talk, and express their concern through considerate actions rather than words.

Too many egos may be lonely. The best aspect of China culture is to promote intimacy. People show generously in a conditional way, express their concern with actions rather than words, choose sincere language and tell all their thoughts to their friends. People support each other, and most importantly, they don't bargain. What would you do if you only gave more to feel happier?

The barrier between strangers may be high, but once you cross that wall, everything can be shared.

When I cross the barrier of "friends" with China people, they usually become as close as westerners I have known for many years.

Angela, who is traveling with us in Yixing, is a senior human resource manager, but she treats her employees like her own children. She invited me to climb mountains and hike with Dandan and her teenage son, and held dinner parties at her house from time to time.

My Chinese teacher Su Wei knows my love life better than my parents.

My colleague Lincoln, let's go skinny-dipping together, and then go to Lamian Noodles to order two noodles, talk about politics and history.

As a special level of friendship, in China, it is not like a "relationship" between two individuals, but more like a fusion of two lives.

The ideal boyfriend in Shanghai will wash and cook for his girlfriend, and of course pay all the bills. Just like my American roommate John learned to do all this for his local girlfriend Sabrina.

Continuous WeChat contact is a must, and it is not uncommon to match "lovers' clothes". Even "dating" itself implies a step towards a stable marriage. The expansion of western girl-chasing culture is still limited to young professionals in central cities like Shanghai.

Of course, the deepest bond is the relationship between parents and children. One day, Jane asked her mother what she would do if she died. Her mother said, "Oh, I'm going to kill myself".

PS: In China, we believe in not talking to strangers, but in the United States, on the contrary, we must say hello when we meet strangers on the road. Not saying hello makes people feel that this person is sneaky and insecure.

Therefore, people from China who come to the United States for the first time are easily confused. They think Americans are really hospitable.

In fact, Americans say, "How are you?" Most of them don't care if you are really good. It's really just to say hello, just like when you meet someone you know but are not familiar with in China and ask, have you eaten? Everyone knows that this doesn't mean you have to treat.