I am often amused by his jokes. Translate into English

Two men, an American and an Indian, were sitting in a bar drinking one glass after another.

The Indian said to the American, "You know, my parents forced me to marry this so-called country girl, and I have never seen her once." We call it arranged marriage. I don't want to marry someone

The woman I don't love ... I told them openly that there are many family problems now. '

When Americans talk about love and marriage, they say ... I will tell you my story.

I married a widow I loved deeply and dated her for three years. A few years later, my father fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father-in-law.

Legally speaking, now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother.

When I had a son, more problems appeared. My son is my father's brother, so he is my uncle.

Things got worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. In the end, I became my own grandfather, and I was my own grandson. You said you had family problems. ..

Count to one hundred before you speak.

In class, the teacher leaned against the stove and said to the students, "Before you speak, you should think and count to at least 50, and count the important things to 100."

As soon as the teacher stopped talking, the students began to count.

At last all the students shouted: "1...98, 99, 100. Teacher, your clothes are on fire."

Count to one hundred.

In class, the teacher stood with his back to the stove and said to the students, "Think twice before you speak, at least count to 50, and count the important things to 100."

As soon as the teacher spoke, the students began to count from "1". Finally, they shouted together: "98,99, 100! Teacher, your clothes are on fire. "

2. The benefits of alcohol

In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol, the teacher put a bug in a cup full of alcohol, and soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student, "What does this mean?"

The student replied, "It means that people who drink too much will not get parasites."

The benefits of wine

In order to prove the harm of alcohol to biology, the teacher put a bug in a cup full of alcohol, and the bug died soon. The teacher asked a student, "What does this mean?"

The student replied, "That is to say, people who drink too much will not grow bugs."

3. Replace the tortoise with a wolf

Teacher: Some students have become arrogant. Do you remember the story of the race between the tortoise and the hare? Now, Xiao Ming, can you tell us why the rabbit was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming: Because the rabbit is asleep.

Teacher: Exactly! What can we do to keep the rabbit awake?

Xiao Ming: Change the tortoise into a wolf.

Turn the tortoise into a wolf.

Teacher: Some students are getting proud. Do you remember the story of the race between the tortoise and the hare? Xiao Ming, tell me, why did the rabbit lose to the tortoise?

Xiaoming: Because it is asleep.

Teacher: Exactly! What can we do to keep the rabbit awake?

Xiaoming: Turn the tortoise into a wolf!

Funny computer question: can you help me restart the network?

Computer service desks are used to dealing with odd requests, but sometimes these problems even stumped the best of them.

For example, "Why is my wireless mouse not connected to the computer?"

Or: "Can you help me reset the network?"

Then a questioner asked, "Where can I get the software to track UFOs?"

Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals in Menlo Park, California, asked 1 4,000 CIOs from American companies the most puzzling questions that their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. More unusual are:

-"My computer told me to press any key to continue. Where is the' any' key? "

-"Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"

-"My daughter is locked in the bathroom. Can you unlock it?"

-"Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?"

-"Can you install cable TV on my computer?"

Another computer user confused the CD-ROM drive with the drink rack. He asked, "How can I get the coffee rack of my computer out again?"

Catherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technologies, said that such questions are a test of the skills of help and technical support personnel.

"These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to show patience, compassion and sense of humor," she said.

Helping users solve computer problems is the main responsibility of computer technical support, but sometimes the questions raised by users even stumped IT elites.

For example, "Why is my wireless mouse not connected to the computer?"

Another example is: "Can you help me restart the network?"

Others will ask, "Where can I download the software to track UFOs?"

The "Robert1/2" IT consulting company headquartered in Menlo Park, California recently conducted a survey of 1400 IT executives from all over the United States, asking them to list the "most difficult" problems encountered by the company's technical consulting or support departments. These include:

"Computer prompt: Please press any key to continue. Where is this arbitrary key? "

"Can you rearrange the keyboards alphabetically?"

"My daughter is locked in the bathroom. Can you unlock it? "

"Can you help me check the weather forecast for 2008?"

"Can you help me install cable TV on my computer?"

Another user confused the CD with the cup holder and asked, "How to take the coffee cup holder out of the computer?"

Catherine, Executive Director of "Robert1/2" IT Consulting Company? 6? 1 Spencer? 6? 1 Li said that these problems are really a test for technicians.

She said: "When answering these questions, technicians must be patient, understand users and have a sense of humor."

Fresh and rich

A new rich man is buying a coffin for the dead in the shop. A man asked him, "which is better?" He said: "Of course, zinc is more durable, but wooden ones are good for health."

upstart

A new rich man bought a coffin for his death in a grave shop. Someone asked him, "Which is the best?" He said: "galvanized coffins are certainly more durable, but wooden coffins are good for health."

Attention, attention:

1. zinc.

lasting

Red or green?

Two apples in the tree look down at the world. The first apple said, "Look at those people who fight, rob and riot-it seems that no one wants to get along with their compatriots. One day, our apples will be the only ones left. Then we will rule the world. " The second apple replied, "Which of us-the red one or the green one?"

Red or green?

Two apples in the tree overlook the world. The first apple said, "Look at these people, fighting, robbery, riots-it seems that no one wants to get along well with others." One day, we apples will be the only survivors in the world. Then we will rule the world. The second apple replied, "Which of us-the red one or the green one?" "

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You don't have to pay for lightning.

Teacher: Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity?

Student: You don't have to pay for lightning.

Lightning doesn't have to pay.

Teacher: Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity?

Student: Lightning doesn't have to be paid.

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H o n e s t y

A man who was driving was stopped by a policeman. The following communication took place. ...

Man: Is there a problem, officer?

Policeman: You are driving at least 75 miles in the 55-mile speed limit zone.

Man: No, sir, I drove 65 miles.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You're driving at 80. The man gave his wife a dirty look. )

Officer: I'll give you a ticket, too, because your taillight is broken.

Man: The taillight is broken? I didn't know the taillight was broken.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you knew about the tail weeks ago. The man gave his wife another dirty look. )

Officer: I'll also give you a subpoena for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you walked to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear a seat belt.

Man: Shut the fuck up.

Police officer: (turning to the lady): Ma 'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?

Wife: No, only when he is drunk.

honest

The police stopped a motorist. Then the following dialogue appeared:

Man: Is there a problem, officer?

Policeman: You drove at least 75 miles in the 55-mile speed limit zone.

Man: No, sir, it's 65 miles.

Wife: Ah, Harry, you just drove 80 miles. The man glared at his wife. )

Officer: I will give you a ticket, too. Your taillight is broken.

Man: The taillight is broken? I didn't know that the taillight was broken until you told me.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you knew it weeks ago. The man gave her a bad look again. )

Officer: I will also give you a subpoena. You're not wearing a seat belt.

Man: Oh, I untied it when you walked to my car.

Wife: Ah, Harry, you never wear a seat belt.

Shut the fuck up.

Officer: (turning to the lady) Ma 'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?

Wife: No, only when he is drunk.

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He must have a computer.

A mother is teaching God to her 5-year-old son. "You know," she said to him one day, "God knows where everyone is at all times and what they are doing." The little boy looked at his mother with wide eyes and said, "Wow. He must have a computer. "

He must have a computer.

A mother told her five-year-old son about God. "Do you know," she said to him one day, "no matter where a person is, no matter what he is doing, God knows." The little boy looked at his mother with wide eyes and said, "Wow. Then he must have a computer. "

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not bad

My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started issuing speeding tickets. My wife is a hair stylist. She said, "If you give us a warning, I will give you a free haircut for one year."

The policeman took off his hat-he was completely bald.

□ Author Peter Ofanos

attempt

My wife and I were stopped by the police and he gave us a speeding ticket. My wife is a hair stylist, so she said to the police, "If you don't warn us, I will give you a free haircut for one year."

The policeman took off his hat-he was bald.

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Who's disgusting

First: "My neighbor is very annoying. He just moved here recently. He slammed the doorbell of my house in the middle of the night."

Second: "It's disgusting in faith. Did you call the police?"

First: "No. I will take him as a madman and continue to play my piano. "

Who hates it?

A: "My new neighbor is so hateful that he came to ring my doorbell in the middle of the night."

B: "How hateful. Did you call the police? "

A: "No, I think he is crazy. Keep playing my piano."

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Teacher: "Who knows where the Declaration of Independence was signed?"

Student: "I know, I know. At the bottom of this page. "

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Teacher: "Who knows where the Declaration of Independence was signed?"

Student: "I know, I know. It's at the bottom of that page. "

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Drive a car

Father: "Uh, oh, I think I just turned right illegally."

Susie: "Never mind, Dad, the policeman behind you did the same thing. "

drive

Father: "Oh, I just turned right illegally."

Susie: "It's okay, Dad. The policeman behind you turned like this. "

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humorous

Mother: "Susie, every time you behave badly, I will grow another gray hair."

Susie: "God, Mom, you must be a terrorist. Just look at grandma. "

silent

Mother: "Susie, every time you behave badly, I get another gray hair."

Susie: "My God, Mom, then you must have behaved badly." Look at grandma. "

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There is no need to answer

Teacher: "I have two questions. If you know the result of the first question, there is no need to answer the second question. How much hair do you have? "

Student: "120 million."

Teacher: "How do you know?"

Student: "There is no need to answer the second question."

Don't answer.

Teacher: "I have two questions. If you can answer the first question, you don't need to answer the second one. How many hairs do you have? "

Student: "65.438+0.2 billion."

Teacher: "How do you know?"

Student: "The second question doesn't need to be answered."

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Now I can go home.

One day after school, the teacher said to his students, "tomorrow morning, if any of you can answer my first question." I will allow him or her to go home early. " The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard painted. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up! " "It's me," Bob said. "Now, I can go home. Goodbye, sir! "

I can go home now.

One day, after school, the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any of you can answer my first question, I will allow him or her to go home first." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found that the blackboard was scribbled. He was very angry and asked, "Who painted it?" Please stand up. "Bob said," it's me, sir. Now I can go home. Goodbye. "

Don't tell her

Two twins went to kindergarten. "Who is the elder and who is the younger?" A nurse asked.

One of them winked and said, "Brother, don't tell her."

Don't sue her.

Two twins walked into the kindergarten. "Who is older and who is younger?" The nurse asked.

One of them blinked and said, "Brother, don't tell her."

What the children said

One summer night, in a storm, a mother was covering her little boy with a quilt. She was about to turn off the light when he asked in a trembling voice, "Mom, can you sleep with me tonight?" Mother smiled and gave him a comforting hug. "I can't, dear." She said I had to sleep in my father's room. The silence was finally broken by his trembling voice: "Big Sister. "

Children and fools tell the truth.

One summer night, there was a thunderstorm, and the mother let the little boy go to bed and get into bed. She was about to turn off the light when the child asked in a trembling voice, "Mommy, can you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled, hugged the child and said, "honey, no", I have to sleep in my father's room. "After a long silence, the boy whispered in a trill," bold boy. "

Attention, attention:

Thunderstorm [gas] 1

Tremble, tremble

Relieved, reliable

coward