05. Test the life hypothesis: How to see clearly the rules that limit yourself?

Four principles to promote behavior change.

In this lesson, we will discuss the first principle-the test of important assumptions.

Remember the psychological immune X-ray mentioned last class? It tells us:

For example, Amy had a big assumption in her mind last class: expressing different opinions would lead to conflicts. This assumption dominated her fears. Sometimes, seeing these assumptions will bring about some changes, and nothing needs to be done. Why? Because these assumptions are usually hidden deep, we will take them as common sense.

At the moment of saying this hypothesis, people often suddenly realize that they want to know how such a simple thing is discovered now. Therefore, the premise of testing the important hypothesis of life is to see it.

So, can we see our important assumptions without the help of a counselor? Yes

The psychological immune X-ray we talked about last time can help you see this hypothesis. If you don't remember, it doesn't matter, you can also ask yourself three questions:

If you think about these three questions seriously and honestly, you can know what the assumptions are that prevent you from changing.

In such a clear sentence, you will find that the original deep-rooted creed is really just a hypothesis.

For example.

I have a visitor who really wants to establish contact with others, but she can't take the first step to get in touch with others.

Through exploration, we found that the basic assumption in her mind is that the relationship between people is the relationship of interests. Others are kind to me, they must be interested in me.

This is a sentence pattern of "if ...".

Once, I asked her to list all the people who are good to her in her life. She made many lists, including her parents and the head teacher in high school. I said, "What do you think they want to do for you?" She said: "My parents are very kind to me, just want me to support them in the future;" My high school teacher is kind to me just to make my grades better and make his face shine. "

When she thought so, she was already testing this hypothesis, and in a sense, this belief was loose.

Of course, just looking is not enough. Do you remember the nature of change?

Therefore, if we want to make further changes, we need to design some new behaviors like behavioral scientists to test these basic assumptions. We need to verify whether these assumptions are correct, when they are established and when they are not.

Just like learning to swim. We can't just read the book How to Learn to Swim on the Shore, and we can't ask ourselves to jump into the deep water at once and be drowned. So is change. It is a supported exploration that requires you to be brave, safe and controllable.

Let's take Amy as an example. Her inner assumption is that if she raises different opinions at the meeting, she will be rejected by others. Then, she can try to express her different opinions at an unimportant meeting first. She can imagine what will happen and how she will feel if she expresses this different opinion according to her own expectations, and then compare her real experience with her own expectations. New experience is usually produced by comparing expected experience with real experience.

I have a case about behavioral testing to share.

I have a visitor who has just joined a company. She always shows positive sunshine, and in this positive sunshine, there is even a taste of overexertion. She will tell some jokes to make everyone happy, and she is very sensitive to everyone's emotions. If someone in the team is unhappy, she will reflect: Is it because I didn't do well that I made the other person unhappy?

So she lives very tired and wants to change. Through psychological X-ray, I found an important assumption in her mind: if I don't show positive optimism, I will be worthless in the team and others will not like me.

So, we designed a behavior test.

I asked her to be as positive as possible on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, telling jokes and caring about everyone's emotions, just like usual; Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays don't pay attention to other people's emotions, but only pay attention to their own affairs. I asked her to record her mood changes and the mood of the team every day.

This design not only retains her own habits, but also provides space for new possible behaviors. A week later, she came to the consulting room again. I asked her what the result was. She said: My own mood is different. I find that if I don't pay attention to other people's emotions, I will be very uneasy, but I will also be very relieved. And trying to care about other people's emotions will be very tired.

What surprises me most is that I feel that the mood of the team has not changed at all. They didn't even notice that I was doing such a behavior test. I even asked a familiar colleague, and she didn't see any difference in me these days. I said, "Yes, you try so hard to act important, but others really don't care that much." If others don't care so much about this matter, how can they decide whether they like you or not according to this matter? "

She was silent. Later, she stopped taking showing positive sunshine as a necessary task. She unburdened herself and cared about other people's emotions only when she needed them occasionally.

The big assumptions in her mind are slowly loosening.

I sometimes use this behavior test myself to make some changes. There was a time when I often complained about my partner behind his back. I really don't like this, but I just can't stop. I decided to try to change. So, I drew a psychological immune X-ray.

When I saw the third column, that is, the benefits of complaining, I found that I was strengthening my needs by complaining behind my back, while preventing conflicts and contradictions. I seldom ask others for peace directly, because I am afraid that others will refuse and hurt my face. However, I have such a need.

So complaining becomes compromise. What lies behind my behavior is my major assumption: if I express my dissatisfaction directly, it means that I am harsh and others will not like me; If I ask directly, others will probably refuse, which will lead to contradictions.

So, I want to design a behavior test: ask directly, not complain behind my back. I was doing a program. They gave this program a very kitsch name, which I don't like very much. But the editor said, "Mr. Chen, the market needs such a title now, which is directly useful."

It turned out that I had an argument with the editor, and she insisted, so I agreed. As usual, I will give up and complain behind my back. Now, I want to do something different. I want to make my request again. You may think that this is not a big challenge, but it is actually very difficult for a person who always says "yes".

I asked, and the editor said, "Teacher Chen, didn't we agree? Why change it? " I said, "I don't like it." The editor said, "It's too late." I thought about it and said, "Well, I'd like to ask your person in charge to have a look and help me think of a name." The editor thought for a long time and said, "That's good." The next day, the person in charge contacted me and said, "Teacher Chen, I read your manuscript until two o'clock yesterday. I really don't think the original topic is enough. I thought about some topics about cattle. "

This behavior test has given me some new insights: if you think something is important, you should fight for it instead of complaining behind your back.

Even if time is tight, I will stick to my idea, because only when you take your own things seriously will others take them seriously. When you complain behind your back, you put the blame on others. So now whenever I want to complain, I will think about it first: what I need is not directly expressed, and whether I stick to my opinion.

At the same time, I also saw that when I directly expressed my wishes, others did not express dissatisfaction with me and there was no conflict. On the contrary, they pay more attention to it. Gradually, my inner false assumptions also changed.

To sum up, in this lesson, we discussed how to design behaviors to verify inner assumptions.

Speaking of which, the behavior test is actually quite interesting. It's like traveling with a map. Traveling always depends on seeing the scenery elsewhere.

When we do something different, we actually travel to the world outside the immune system and major assumptions. This is actually a more profound and meaningful trip.

Next class, we will continue to discuss behavior change and how to use environmental clues to promote change. See you next class.

1, tell me what you want to change, but it hasn't changed yet? After learning this lesson today, please analyze what major assumptions in your mind restrict your change. If you want to change, what kind of behavior should you design and create to replace the old experience?

1, you should sleep in the cage after playing cards. Inner assumption: at my age, I have to sleep at least 7 hours at night, which is good for my health. This is also common sense. Therefore, punching in at around 6: 0015 in the morning (7-8 hours of lack of sleep) will make you sleepy. I said to myself, "It's enough to get 1 hour's sleep. This morning, I designed an early morning list/new behavior: after getting up, I typed a good morning card, wrote three frogs, then recalled yesterday's three meals and wrote them down while going to the toilet; Then weigh yourself, then go to the kitchen to drink water and squeeze vegetable juice; Then put on sportswear and sneakers and go out to exercise (without giving yourself a chance to go back to the dormitory).

It's also very strange. I didn't sleep all day. After playing morning cards, I went out for a run or a brisk walk after drinking water and eating something. The whole person's state is better than getting up early and going to bed after punching in.

2, often can not apply a hydrating mask for a month. Inner assumption: busy every morning and evening, no time to apply hydrating mask every day; People used to wear masks twice a week, but now the media are promoting the use of 1 ~2 masks every day, which is the product of the era of consumerism (businessmen's rhetoric to stimulate consumption). Today is Friday, and I have been applying hydrating mask for four consecutive nights. The new behavior of design: As long as you sit at the computer desk and study at night, you can take a mask and apply it while playing computer, which not only saves time, but also resists some radiation. Let's leave now.