Ancient humorous jokes

There was a prostitute named "Su E" who was occupied by a salt merchant. On one occasion, Mr. Huang Nangu of my hometown passed by a brothel and saw the small image of Su E on the wall, so he wrote a poem below: "Light red shirt and light red skirt, light makeup and light lips; Because I am light, I will pay the salt seller in the future. " Everyone who saw it laughed.

Four joys and four sorrows

Someone once wrote "Four Happiness Poems": "Meet an old friend after a long drought, meet in a foreign land, spend the night in the bridal chamber, and be in to be no.1." In the fifth year of Chenghua, a man named Wang Shunan added the words "ten years", "Wan Li", "monk" and "coach" in front of four poems, and they all burst into laughter. During the Wanli period, some people added the words "rain", "pearl", "old knowledge" and "enjoyment", and "monk" became "attached horse" and "coach" won the first prize. For a time, everyone felt that this kind of banter was beyond measure. Who knows, another changed the four-happiness poem into four-sadness poem: "Hail in the rain defeats crops, so we know that it is a debtor, and the flower candle married the barren woman, and the gold list retakes the exam." Everyone I meet feels more humorous.

You Yan, confuse black and white

There is a doctor surnamed Yin and his wife surnamed Yang in Minzhong. People laughed at them for "reversing Yin and Yang" and called their son "born of Yin and Yang".

Meet the boss

A juren passed through the door and became a county official in Shandong Province. The first time I went to see my boss, I didn't know how to socialize in a hurry and suddenly asked, "My Lord?" Shocked by his rudeness and ignorance, the boss reluctantly smiled: "What is the surname?" The magistrate bowed his head and thought for a long time, then said, "An adult's surname can't be found among hundreds of surnames." The boss was even more frightened and said, "Don't you know that I am under the banner of Manchu?" The magistrate stood up again and asked, "What flag is your honor?" The boss replied, "It's a red flag". The county official said, "Zhenghuang Banner is the best. Why are adults not in Zhenghuangqi? " The boss was furious and asked, "Where are you from?" The county magistrate replied: "Guangxi." The boss said, "Guangdong is the best. Why aren't you in Guangdong? " The magistrate was speechless and had to leave and quit. I was ordered to resign and go home the next day.

Melon vendors write poems.

There is a man named Gu Qilong, who is ugly, but gentle and likes reading. Even books with missing corners are as precious as jade. He likes to write poems, and it's delicious to say it casually. Once, he was selling watermelons, and someone tested him on the topic of "selling melons". Who knows he replied: "Watermelon is sold in Lang Jun today, and it is not bad. Make a big red envelope and practice with honey instead of frying tea in a bamboo stove. " People listened with admiration, and Gu Qilong became more interested. He also read his new work in a clear voice: "beautiful women live alone, talented people sleep alone;" If it is convenient for God, two places will take one place to sleep. " People couldn't help laughing.

Mrs Du Kang.

The drinkers discussed the construction of Adukang Temple in memory of Du Kang, the ancestor of winemaking. When I started to break ground, I suddenly dug up a stone tablet in the ground. At that time, everyone was drunk and saw the word "big sister" on the stone tablet, so they suggested building a back room to let this "Mrs. Du" rest in peace. After the temple is completed, please ask the county officials to burn incense and worship. When the magistrate saw the stone tablet in the back room, he was surprised and said, "This is the Zhou Taizu stone tablet! I quickly asked someone to move it outside the temple. At night, the county magistrate suddenly dreamed that a man wearing a top hat came to thank him: "I was the former Zhou Taizu and married Du Kang by mistake. If the county magistrate didn't see through it, it would be difficult for me to marry an alcoholic in my life. "

Fried meat with bamboo shoots

Someone once copied Dongpo's poem: "No meat makes people thin, and no bamboo makes people vulgar." The following two sentences: "Teaching is not thin but good, and there must be a bowl of bamboo shoots and fried meat for every meal."

County magistrate's order

Bu Judas, the county magistrate of Wuxi in the south of the Yangtze River, is good at joking. I heard that the new Yixing county magistrate was eloquent and wanted to make things difficult for him, so I discussed the wine order with Wujin county magistrate in advance. One day, Abu Judas held a banquet for them, raised his glass and said, "The second fire is inflammation, not salt in salt sauce;" Since it is not salt, why does it fade after adding water? " Wujin county official said: "two days is' often', this is not a prostitute; Since you are not a prostitute, why do you sing when you open your mouth? " Yixing county official said, "I also have a drinking order, for fear of offending Mr. Bu Lao." The two men said in unison, "Please tell me." He said: "The two places are laurels, and this is not a turtle; Since it's not a turtle, why add a divination? " In ancient times, tortoise bones were used for divination. ) The two men laughed.

What are parents?

I reviewed the scholar's paper in a county town, and the topic was "Parents are here". A paper answers, "What are parents?" I couldn't help laughing, so I approved a line on the paper: "My father is a penis and my mother is a vagina. The disharmony between Yin and Yang gave birth to you monster! "

Local prostitute

There are mushrooms in western Guangdong and counties, and the local name is orchid mushroom. On one occasion, Zhong Cheng visited the county and asked if there were any local prostitutes in the county. The county magistrate thought it was a local product and replied, "Yes, it's called blue mushroom." Zhong Cheng was furious and said, "Why not expel and ban? ! "The magistrate suddenly realized that all the onlookers laughed, and so did Zhong Cheng, because the word" orchid mushroom "was similar to the name of a prostitute.

Other soles

Yang Yi in Song Dynasty wrote official documents, which were often abridged by the ruling officials. He was very indignant. He took the manuscript, wiped off all the high officials and corrupt officials with thick ink, made the soles into grass samples, and wrote in small print: "Shi Ye Yangjia soles." Someone asked him in surprise, and he said, "This is someone else's footprint." For a while, it was a joke.

Poetic nature of dish names

A man wanted to hold a banquet for his friends, but unfortunately he only had eight copper coins in his pocket, which was embarrassing. The old servant said, "It's easy." I bought two eggs and six compositions, some leeks 1 composition, and tofu dregs 1 composition. The old servant brought out the first course, and the leek noodles were covered with two egg yolks. He said, "This is called' two orioles singing green willows'." When the second course was served, the leek was covered with a circle of protein and said, "This is called a row of egrets going to heaven." The third course is fried bean curd residue, named: "The window contains Xiling snow." The fourth course is two eggshells floating in the clear soup, which are called "The Wu Dong Wan Li Boat in Membo". The old servant said, "I am endowed with poems in Du Like, so the dishes made with these four poems are elegant. Please don't laugh. " The host was so happy that the guests rewarded him.

The origin of the name

One day, Lin went to visit Ji Wenda. Ji asked, "Why are you screaming?" Lin replied, "When my mother gave birth to me, she dreamed that there was a phoenix perched on a buttonwood tree, so she mentioned this name." Ji Wenda sighed: "Your mother's dream is wonderful! If you are unlucky and dream of chickens hovering among bananas, your name will be ugly! " Lin Fengwu said with a smile, "You really know how to play pranks."

A wife's couplet is missing.

A boy went to the county seat to take an examination of a scholar, and accidentally missed his wife, so he wrote a couplet for fun: "Charge the innocent army for 300 miles and keep the husband widowed for 20 days." When the students saw it, they passed it on as a joke.

Laugh at that old boys.

A boy is 80 years old. The inspector asked him about the articles in the Four Books and Five Classics, most of which he didn't remember. Someone laughed at him and made a pair of couplets: "At the age of 80, you are still called a child, but you can live a hundred years (it can be said that you are a hundred years old); I am unfamiliar in the fifth year, so I am a scholar (also refers to unfamiliar books)! "

Desire like a monk

Li Pingshan, Lei Xiyan and Zhang Boyu get together to eat and play. Li Pingshan likes drinking and Lei Xiyan likes eating vegetables, so they joked with each other: "Pingshan loves wine as a fly, Saixixi loves meat as an eagle, and Apollo is as lewd as a monk." Say that finish laugh together.

Three didn't.

There was an old county magistrate who wrote three big characters in front of the county: "three don't want" and made a note below: "one don't want money, two don't want officials, and three don't want life." The next morning, he went out to check and saw two words added to each line of the note: "no money" added "too little"; "Second, don't be an official" added "too small"; Under "three don't want to die", added "too old". The old county magistrate was ashamed.

Father takes a bath and sleeps.

Jin Shengtan went to visit a friend, who declined politely on the grounds of taking a bath. Jin Shengtan went to visit his son again, and his son fell asleep again. Jin Sheng sighed: "I am still in prison (homophonic' bath') and my son has committed another crime (homophonic' sleep').

People! "

Bohu wrote it correctly

Tang Bohu once wrote a couplet on behalf of businessmen: "Business is like spring, and financial resources are like water." The man is not satisfied, and the meaning of couplets must be obvious and easy to understand. Tang Bohu rewrote a pair: "The business in front of the door is like mosquitoes in Xia Yue, and the team enters the team; The copper coins in the cupboard are like lice in winter, and the more you catch, the more you catch. " A businessman is very happy to say goodbye.

Lao Zao Shu ban

Zhang in Ye County and Hu in Midtown are children's in-laws, and Hu's family has a troupe. One day, Mrs. Zhang and Mrs. Hu were at a banquet. Zhang told nonsense: "I heard that Zunfu Pear Garden is the best." Hu didn't know what "pear garden" meant, so he casually replied modestly, "How can it be called a pear garden? But there are only a few old jujube trees. " Cover your mouth and smile on both sides. People call Hu's troupe "Old Jujube Tree Class".

Shi Mao's Poetry Criticism

Xiaoshan Mao can't write Su Like Dongpo's poems. Wang Jiyong quoted Su Shi's poem "There are three or two peach blossoms outside the bamboo, and the duck prophet warms the spring river". He said, "Isn't this poem a punch line?" Mao said indignantly, "In spring, geese feel it first. Why does Su Dongpo only talk about ducks? " Everyone around me laughed.

Yang Ping investigated the theft.

Yang Ping, a poet in the Tang Dynasty, had a cousin who became famous for stealing his poems. Yang Ping was very angry when he learned that, and asked his cousin, "Did you steal the' cranes fly to the sky' on my test paper?" Cousin replied: "I know my brother cherishes this poem the most, and I dare not steal it." Yang Ping softened his expression and said, "This can still be forgiven."

Beauty is powerful.

Sue is serious, doesn't like to laugh, and occasionally tells jokes, which must mean admonition and warning. One day, he saw a minister looking at a beautiful woman. When the beautiful woman left, the minister turned back frequently. Sue said, "This woman is very powerful." The minister asked, "How did Sir know?" Su smiled and said, "This is an obvious thing. Why else does she always pull your head back? "

Sit down first

Guo Jin is very talented in the military, and he has made many achievements in leading troops to fight. Once, after he finished building a house in the north of the city, he held a banquet to invite relatives and friends to celebrate, and everyone who built the house was invited to the banquet. Guo Jin held a craftsman's banquet in the East Hall and a nephew's banquet in the West Hall. Someone said, "How can a son be on a par with a craftsman and still be in the next place (the ancients were the first in the East)?" Guo Jin pointed to the craftsmen and said, "They are the people who build houses." He also pointed to his son and said, "They are sellers (implying that they will be defeated in the future) and should sit next to the builder."

Prostitute joke

Juren Yang Shaonan traveled to a county and became attached to prostitutes. At that time, the prostitute was still a girl. A few years later, he went to another county. At this time, his beard grew and the woman became a big girl. One day, he and his friends went to see the woman. Yang Shaonan smiled at her: "My daughter's family is close to men every day, so it's easy to grow up." Not to be outdone, the woman stepped forward to hold his beard and said with a smile, "Is Gong Qiu getting old every day when she is near her daughter's house?" Everyone smiled at each other. I think the prostitute's words are jokes, but they are actually enough to make people wake up!

Xu Xi's wonderful answer.

Xu Xi, the minister of the Ministry of War, was promoted step by step from an ordinary official. One day, he walked into Gong Xue with the champion. A top scholar pointed to the portrait of Confucius and said, "Do you know this old gentleman?" Xu Xi said, "Why don't you admit it? But this old gentleman is not a Kejia (he took part in the imperial examination and got the name of a scholar). " A champion is embarrassed to answer.

Tuesday composition

There was a butcher's son who studied poetry and wanted to be an official. One day, he asked a certain teacher for an article. The Taishi commented on his article and said, "It has strength and weight. It's not annoying to chew it repeatedly on the desk. " Ironically, this is a compliment.

Give me another three Jin.

There was a county magistrate who got drunk all day. One afternoon, after drinking a pot of wine, I was just about to ask for more wine for him on a business trip when I heard someone shouting grievances outside. He was very angry, ordered to go to court, shouted tolerance, and beat those who cried out grievances with boards. The official asked, "How much is it?" He was drunk, held out three fingers and said, "Give me three more pounds!" "

Spend more money on cakes.

A customer asked the cake shop owner, "How much is a cake?" The boss replied, "One for each person." The customer ate several cakes in succession and paid for them. The boss said, "The cake is made of flour, and flour still needs to be paid." The customer paid the money immediately. The boss added, "Don't you want to mix cakes with firewood and water? Grass and water have to be paid. " The customer immediately paid for the grass and water. The boss said, "The cake has to be made by hand." The customer paid the money again. After the customer came home, he thought about it and laughed at himself. "I'm so embarrassed. I shouldn't pay for the cake after paying those three kinds of money!" "

Report famine

In famine years, farmers report the disaster to the government. The official asked how much wheat was harvested and replied, "Only three points were harvested." When asked about the cotton harvest, he replied, "There are only two harvests." When asked about the rice harvest again, he replied, "There are only two harvests." The official was very angry: "This is a seven-point harvest, so why make up the harvest?" The farmer was angry and funny, so he said, "I have lived 100 years, and I have never seen such a big famine." The official asked, "How can you be over 100 years old? ! "The farmer replied," I am over 70 years old, my eldest son is over 40 years old and my second son is over 30 years old. Isn't that all together? " So say, attracted a burst of laughter. The official blushed with laughter.

Cai Jing's grandson

Cai Jing, a powerful minister in the Song Dynasty, had several grandchildren and had never met them. One day, Cai Jing jokingly asked them, "Do you eat white rice every day? You try to tell me where this rice comes from? " A grandson said, "This rice comes from the rice mortar." Cai Jing said with a smile: Another grandson thought: all the rice in Beijing is transported in summer sleeping bags, so the interface said: "No, I saw it coming out of the summer sleeping bags."

Shaoling can be killed

During the Qianlong period, the secretaries Peng Zhongju (official name, assisting imperial academy in serving wine), Qian Lin and Zheng Xue (official name, equivalent to professors) toured Tianzhu and wrote drinking poems. When they were talking about the beauty of Du Fu's poems, they said drunkenly, "Du Shaoling can be killed." (Killeable: Really satisfied. Ke: That's right. Kill: sand. Someone heard it in the next room and walked around telling others, "It's important. Lin and Peng are killing people in Tianzhu. " Others asked, "Who did you kill?" The man said, "It's Du Shaoling. I wonder where he is from? "

Paw as a vegetable

Teacher Wang asked the students to explain the meaning of the sentence "bear's paw does what I want" in Mencius. A student wrote: "Eat in the morning, the next meal is bear's paw, eat at night, and the next meal is bear's paw." Mr. Wang smiled and said, "My father-in-law has never got a small piece of bear's paw to taste, but you can eat it as a side dish." The students burst out laughing.

Regardless of jealousy

Haifeng has an official named Zhang Mu Temple. One day, when an old lady drove out of the government in a carriage, she stumbled to stop and complained that her husband begged his little wife not to disturb her. Zhang Mu buddhist nun laughed and scolded her for giving way, saying, "I sell salt, no matter who is jealous!" " "

Unresolved/uncorrectable false accusation

Mr. Chen Jushan is over 60 years old, but his hair and beard are black. My friend Qiu Wenda joked: "If you measure by age, your hair and beard can be said to be wronged!" Asked why, Qiu said, "This is an injustice."

Go to the party with a red face

Someone is usually taboo at home every holiday celebration, he always advocates red, and guests riding a white horse to dinner are never allowed to be led into their stables. A young guest is good at telling jokes, so he painted his face with red powder and went to the party. The master is very strange. The boy said, "I know you hate white, so I dare not please with a white face." The house was full of laughter and laughter, and the host was ashamed, so he got rid of the taboo.

This is a poem written by the blind.

Meng Haoran, a poet in the Tang Dynasty, once wrote a famous five-line poem: "In the early morning of spring, I woke up in a relaxed mood and birds were singing all around, but now I remember that night, that storm, and I don't know how many flowers were broken." Some people are amazed and shake their heads from time to time; Someone disagreed and said, "This is a poem by the blind." The person who heard this was speechless for a moment.

A failed poem

Tang wrote a poem (failing the list), which is very humorous: "My wife is unhappy when she comes back farthest;" The yellow dog is just affectionate, wagging its tail when the door lies down (to welcome its master back). "My friends all laughed.

Poetry about glasses

Someone wrote a poem "Ode to Glasses": "Long rope tied to both ears (ancient glasses were pulled and climbed onto the helix with a rope), and one nose crossed the bridge." Someone looked at it and said, "You have been pulling short fibers in your ears all day. When will you remove the long cangue (torture device) from your nose?"

Poetry is full of sugar.

Someone wrote a poem and thought it was good, so he showed it to Zhong Xiaohai. Zhong Xiaohai said: "The poem is well written, but it is a little sweet." The man said in surprise, "Why?" Zhong Xiaohai replied: "There is Tang (Tang poetry, homophonic" sugar ") gas, why not sweet?" (mocking him for imitating Tang poetry. )

Judas the gifted scholar

Cai likes to call himself "Cai Zi" ("Zi", the ancient name for a person with good moral character). Once, he wrote a poem for Wang Yongfu to comment on. Wang read it and said, "This is just a doggerel." Cai was very angry and said, "This is the authentic Selected Works of Zhaoming. What does the oil painting say? " Wang replied, "A gifted scholar (homophonic" gifted scholar ") doesn't need oil, so what does he use? ! "

The wife is lying in the monk's room.

Senior minister Huo Tao wanted to tear down the temple and build his own house, so he instigated the county magistrate to expel the monk. The monk wrote two poems on the wall: "The bachelor (Huo Tao is a scholar) moved to the monk temple, and Hui Yuan (Huo Tao) lived in the old monk's room." Seeing his inner shame, Huo Tao cancelled the plan to tear down the temple and build a house.