Collect some jokes

Good wine

The British, Russians and Chinese all said that their countries’ wines were good, but they couldn’t prove their claims, so they decided to give it a try on the spot. The British took out a bottle of Whiskey, poured a glass and put it on the ground. A mouse ran over, took a sip and fell to the ground and fell asleep; the Russian took out a bottle of Vodega, poured a cup and put it on the ground. On the ground, I saw a mouse running towards me. After sniffing it, I fell to the ground and fell asleep. The Chinese took out a bottle of Erguotou, poured a cup and put it on the ground. I saw a mouse running towards me, smelled it and turned around. The spectators were puzzled and asked, "What is this?", and the Chinese laughed and replied, "You will know if you look further." As soon as he finished speaking, he saw the mouse rushing out of the hole with a brick in his hand and his tongue sticking out. Shout "Where's the cat? Where's the cat? I'll slap it to death!".

The Magic Ant

A man was sentenced to 12 years in prison and was quite bored in prison. One day, he found that an ant actually understood what he said, so he began to train it. A few years later, the ant could not only stand on its head but also do somersaults, which made him quite proud. When he was finally released from prison, the first thing he did was run to the bar to show off his magical ant. He first ordered a glass of beer from the bartender, then took the ant out of his pocket and put it on the table. He said to the bartender: "Look at this ant..." The bartender came over and immediately slapped the ant to death, and then said apologetically He said to him: "I'm sorry, I'll give you a new one right away!"

Restaurant

A restaurant has always been famous for being stingy. One day a customer came and asked for a cup. After serving the soup, the waiter brought a plate and then went to take care of other customers. The customer waited for a long time and still did not see the waiter come back. Not only was he a little annoyed, he called the boss over and said: "Do you want me to eat this wet plate?" ?!" The boss said with a smile: "Sir, that's your soup!"

Checkout

A customer was dining slowly in the restaurant. Then he eats fruit and smokes cigarettes. When the waiter brought the bill, he touched his pocket and pretended to be panicked and said: "Oops, my wallet is missing." The waiter asked expressionlessly: "Really?" So he handed this The man took him to the door and loudly ordered him: "Squat down." Then he kicked him hard and kicked him out of the door. At this time, a customer sitting at another table automatically walked to the door, squatted down in the same manner, and then turned back to the waiter and said: Check out. "

Confession

Someone (at church): Father, I...I am guilty...Priest: Tell me, my child, what is the matter? Someone: At the second stop, I hid a Jew who was being hunted by the Nazis. Why did you feel guilty? And... , I asked him to pay me 1,500 francs a day... Priest: So... But I haven't told him yet.

Eavesdropping

A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel. Before falling asleep at night, MM suddenly remembered something. Husband: This is the Watergate Hotel. If there is a bug in the room... we will be exposed by outsiders. I heard that, how embarrassing! My husband immediately understood and searched around, and finally found a metal object the size of a button under the bed, so he unscrewed it and threw it away. The next day, the waiter brought breakfast. Did you two have a good rest last night? ?Very good, we like everything here. That's good. Well, the couple downstairs are really unlucky. I heard that the chandelier on the ceiling fell off last night...

Practice

One day, Yahui got together with her friends and lamented that she still had no boyfriend at the age of 28. Her friends said that she was too "feminist" and advised her to say more compliments to men in order to win their favor. .

After the party, when they were leaving, they stopped a taxi. Yahui thought she might as well do some practice first. As soon as she got in the car, she said, "Mr. Driver, you are so handsome!"

The driver turned around He turned around and said seriously: "Miss, did you forget to bring money?"

Brainless

A man who spoke without thinking had sex with a young lady.

Man: "Are you married?"

Miss: "Not yet"

Man: "Then do you have children?" The lady was furious , and walked away.

The man thought, he should not ask this question again next time.

Then he danced with a woman. Man: "Do you have children?"

Woman: "Two."

Man: "Then are you married?"

I'm counting

A man and woman were in love, and one day they kissed for the first time.

Male: "Tell me, besides me, who else has kissed you like this, my dear?"

The woman did not answer.

"Go ahead! I won't be offended." The man said.

The woman smiled sweetly: "I'm counting."

It can wait

The police asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast?

Yes, I remembered, I love peaches the most. The criminal said.

You know, it is winter, there are no peaches! The police said.

It doesn't matter, I can wait.

God's help

Once it rained very heavily...The floods began to flood the city.....A priest was in the church Praying... Seeing that the flood had reached his body, suddenly a lifeguard drove a boat and said to the priest: Father! Quick! Come up quickly! Otherwise the flood will drown you! ! The priest said: No! ! I want to guard my palace! ! I am convinced that God will save me! ! So... the lifeguard left helplessly... Soon after... the flood had already submerged the priest's head... the priest had to stand on the table... at this time... again A policeman drove a boat and said to the priest: Quick! ! quick! ! Come up! ! Otherwise the flood will drown you. The priest said: No! ! I want to guard my palace! ! I firmly believe that God will save me! ! So... the police left helplessly... After a while... the flood had submerged the church... the priest had no choice but to hold on to the cross... At this time ..A helicopter slowly came over... After throwing down the rope ladder, the service staff shouted: Father! ! quick! ! quick! ! Climb up with the rope ladder! ! Otherwise the flood will drown you! ! The priest still said firmly: No! ! I want to guard my palace! ! I firmly believe that God will save me! ! ! So...the helicopter left helplessly...but...the flood kept rising...kept rising...and the priest was drowned...I saw the priest after he went to heaven... God asked angrily: Oh! ! ㄟ! ! How did you do it? ! Will your people still believe in you? God said: What do you want? ! I have sent two boats and a helicopter to rescue you! ! Do you want to ride on an aircraft carrier? Father:!@#$^amp;*........................

Dilemma

Ruth: Since you and your boyfriend have such a good relationship, why don't you get married?

Mary: Alas, I don't want to marry him whenever he's drunk. ; He is sober, but he doesn’t want to marry me.

Sense of achievement

I said to my friend who came last in a track and field race: You are so boring when you come last.

He told me: How can you say it’s boring? Didn’t you see the seven of them being chased by me?

French Diplomat

At a diplomat’s dinner, a French diplomat who had just arrived in the United States was a little embarrassed because everyone had to stand up and say a few words. But his English is really not good.

First a distinguished guest said: "Let's toast the women of the Eastern Hemisphere.

”

Later, someone toasted the women in the Western Hemisphere.

When it was the French diplomat’s turn to speak, he stood up and said: “Everyone, let us toast to the two hemispheres of women.” Bar. ”

Raining

The more it rains, the more I like it.

You must be an optimist.

No, I am Umbrella seller.

False alarm

Ying took her child to the bank to withdraw money. The child kept chattering along the way. Ying did not want her child's uneducated behavior to be exposed to the public. So, after entering the bank, she suddenly shouted to her children: “Face the wall and don’t talk! "All of a sudden, everyone in the bank faced the wall, afraid to make a sound.

Violin

A primary school student was learning the violin. One day he came to class and opened the piano case. I found a submachine gun inside, so I was shocked and said: It’s broken, my dad took my violin to the bank!!!

Be prepared

The 81-year-old father I went to Canada from Hong Kong to visit my son. Although he was old, he was energetic and went for a walk every day. Since he didn’t speak English and couldn’t ask for directions, his son was worried that he would get lost one afternoon. After returning home, his son came up to him and asked him if he had been in trouble. After hearing this, the old man replied with a smile: "Don't worry, I have already copied down the name of this street. "After that, he took out a piece of paper from his trouser pocket and showed it to his son with dignity. It turned out to be written: "NOEXIT. ”

It’s puzzling

When Li Si received his salary, he found that ten yuan was missing, so he angrily questioned the cashier.

The cashier said: "I gave you an extra ten yuan last month. Are you anxious?" ”

Li Si said: “One mistake can be forgiven by chance, but the second time cannot be tolerated.” "

Congressman

Three surgeons were boasting about their medical skills. The first one said: I once helped a man join his arm, and now he is a member of the national baseball team. One of the best pitchers. The second said: It's nothing. I helped a man join a leg. Now he is one of the world's long-distance runners. The third said: It's nothing. I helped a man. The fool smiled and now he is a congressman.

The right and left hand

The CIA, FBI and Los Angeles Police Department all told the president that they were him The best right-hand person. So the president decided to put a rabbit into the forest and let them catch it. So the CIA spent two months setting up a dragnet in that forest. , they tortured the flowers and trees, but found nothing, and finally concluded that there were no rabbits in that forest. Then the FBI came, and they spent two weeks surrounding the entire forest and setting it on fire. They burned down the forest and killed all the animals, including the rabbit, without saying sorry to anyone and saying: It was all the fault of the rabbit. Finally, the Los Angeles Police Department arrived, and it took them only two hours to solve the case. . They caught a raccoon and forced the raccoon to say: I am a rabbit, I am a rabbit...

Correction

One day, a certain gentleman was in the office He was making out with a beautiful young lady when his wife came to see him. After seeing this, she shouted: "Husband, I never expected that!" "

This gentleman has always been particular about his words. After hearing this, he immediately corrected his wife and said: "My dear, what you said is wrong. You should be shocked, but I never expected it. ! ”

Regular release

During the inspection and acceptance, the leading group for rodent control found that few traces of rats were found in a certain obstetrics and gynecology hospital, so they intended to promote their experience. Team leader ：Excuse me, what method do you use to kill rats?

Doctor: We regularly put contraceptive pills in places where rats may pass by.

What happens again and again

Lao Wang was resting under a tree. Lao Li came over and said to him: "Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to chop firewood?"

Lao Wang said: "What are you doing cutting firewood?"

Old Li said: "It's easy to make money. When you get enough money, you can buy a donkey, and then sell firewood from house to house. When you make money, you can buy a truck, and then a wood factory." Sell ??wood and buy more trucks, then you can make a fortune."

Lao Wang asked: "What will you do if you get rich?"

Old Li replied: "Make a fortune. Once you have money, you can enjoy peace and happiness."

Old Wang said: "Then what do you think I am doing now?"

Public temptation

A There is a sign on the lawn in front of the church, which reads: "If you are tired of sin, please come in." Another line of words written in red lipstick below: "If you are not tired, please call No. XXX, Amanza District." ”

Chicken Bones

A: I’m sorry, my chickens were not penned properly and they ran out and damaged the vegetables you planted.

B: It doesn’t matter, my dog ??has already eaten your chicken.

A: Oh! No wonder I found chicken bones in the dog’s belly.

B:． ． ． ． ?

Words fail to convey the meaning

A regiment of the British army bought a donkey as a mascot. Unfortunately, the donkey died within a few days. Since the group leader was on a business trip, the deputy group leader sent a telegram to the group leader: "Unfortunately, the donkey passed away. Should I buy another one or wait for you to come back?"

Hidden danger

God Very dissatisfied with the current situation of the earth, he turned back time ten million years: primitive forests, grasslands, beasts, and insects appeared on the earth again... When God was about to leave, he said to all animals: "I gave this world to you, do you have any other requirements?"

The animals immediately knelt down to God in groups, pointed to a group of monkeys at the edge of the forest and said in unison: "Oh God ! Please exterminate the monkeys!"

Frog

Father, son, and grandson eat porridge together. The porridge cooked by this frog is really delicious!

The son said while eating, it was all thanks to me to catch the frog

The father said: This porridge? It depends on me to cook it well. You see, even the frog bones have been cooked, otherwise, how would the taste be? Is it so fresh?

The grandson said with a smile: When I was killing the frog just now, I accidentally let the frog escape! How could there be a frog in the porridge?

Looking for a son-in-law

The king chooses his consort by participating in a competition. The winner can marry his daughter and receive a considerable amount of wealth. On the day of the competition, all the unmarried men who were invited were taken to a pool full of crocodiles. The king first asked someone to put a lion into the pool. After a while, the lion was eaten by crocodiles and only a few bones were left. The king loudly said at this time: "I will marry my daughter to the first one who swims over!"

Suddenly, there was a "pop" sound, and a young man jumped into the pool and swam at a fast speed. Arrived on the other side. When he climbed up, the king walked over very happily, congratulated him and said: "Well done, you must really want to marry my daughter."

"Yes!" The pale but lucky man The young man said angrily: "What I want to know now is which bastard pushed me down just now!"

Idiot

When someone goes to the zoo to see orangutans, he first asks the orangutans If someone salutes, the orangutan will imitate his salute, and if someone bows to the orangutan, the orangutan will also imitate him and bow. Someone was so happy that he opened his eyelids to the orangutan again. Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate him, but slapped him in the face. Someone asked the keeper angrily, and the keeper told him that in the language of orangutans, picking one's eyelids means calling the other person a fool, so the orangutan wanted to beat him. Someone has a great enlightenment. The next day, someone went to the zoo again to seek revenge. He saluted and bowed to the orangutan, and the orangutans imitated him, so he took out a big stick and hit himself on the head, and then handed the stick to the orangutan.

Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate this time, but flicked his eyelids at him!

Walking

A male crab met a female crab and proposed to her. The female crab discovered that the male crab walked straight instead of like other crabs. Hengxing. She felt that this male crab was very unique, so she married him immediately. When she woke up the next morning, the female crab found that her groom was no different from other crabs, and he was also Hengxing, so she asked angrily: What? What's going on? You didn't walk like this before you got married

Dear, the male crab replied: I can't drink so much every day!

Master foreign languages

One day, an old mouse and a little mouse were wandering in the room. Suddenly a cat appeared in front of them, so they turned around and ran away, and the cat chased them. When they were at the end of their rope and had nowhere to escape, they ran away. The little mouse behind turned around and yelled at the cat twice: "Woof, woof." The cat was frightened away by these two sounds. The old mouse patted the little mouse on the shoulder and praised: "Okay, it can also bark. The little mouse wipes." Zhuhan said: How important it is to master a foreign language!