What’s the joke?

The Polish woman complained that although she had a TV and a refrigerator, she had nothing to put in the refrigerator. Someone suggested:

"Why not put the TV in the refrigerator, then everything is ready."

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Ladies' stop for driving in Europe Take a commemorative photo in front of a fallen stone pillar at a historic site in Greece. "Don't take pictures of the car," she said loudly, "otherwise my husband will say that I knocked down the pillar."

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The thin little caterpillar was discovered by the beautiful Miss Bird, and she quickly begged: "Please don't eat me, I can tell you where my companions live. They are much fatter than me!" Miss Que replied: "No need, I'm losing weight." After saying that, she ate the caterpillar in one bite.

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The young man came home from get off work and found his newlywed wife worried. "I'm really useless," she said, "I ironed that suit for you just now and burned a big hole in the buttocks of the pants." "It doesn't matter," her husband comforted, "I've made a big hole in that suit." I prepared an extra pair of trousers. ""Yes," the wife said happily, "thankfully, I used those trousers to patch up the burned hole."

p>

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On a rainy day, a classmate asked my brother if he had seen any girls traveling with him so that he could have sex with her

An umbrella. When his younger brother asked him why, his classmate opened a colorful printed umbrella and said, "That way no one will

think this umbrella is mine!"

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Fat Pig

There was a naughty boy who nicknamed a girl in his class Fat Pig. The girl cried and complained to the teacher, and the teacher

agreed to punish her. The boy conducts critical education. In class the next day, the teacher spoke to the class: There is a classmate in our class who is so rude that he gives other students nicknames at will. You can't just call them whatever they like.

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Road Sign

A driver lost his way in the foggy night and vaguely saw a road sign on the side of the road, so he stopped the car. But the fog

was so thick that I couldn't see what was written. So I decided to climb up and have a look. After finally climbing to the top, I finally saw the words on it: The paint is still wet.

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Strong memories

The mother and daughter went to visit the painting exhibition of their daughter’s boyfriend. The mother noticed that one of the nude portraits resembled her daughter, so she asked:

You didn't paint him naked, did you? Ah, no, the daughter replied, he drew it from memory.

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Noisy Driving

Neighborhood Committee Aunt: Child, why are you standing at the door alone on a cold day? Why don't you stay in the house?

Child: Dad, Mom is quarreling.

Aunt from the neighborhood committee: That’s ridiculous, who is your father?

Child: That’s why they quarreled.

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Busy spring plowing!

At a certain educated youth spot, the queue jumpers were a group of music school students who usually did not hear the sound of strings. Suddenly one day, the commune organized a propaganda team.

The poor and lower-middle peasants expressed their trust in the re-education targets and sent them to perform on the stage.

As the curtain rose, the heroic announcer said: The next program is the violin ensemble "Beethoven Misses the Red Sun". The whole audience burst into applause. Since Beethoven missed the red sun, he must have been a proletarian revolutionary. The students of the Conservatory of Music performed a piece of "Romance in F major" by Bayern in a grand manner. Then, prepare to play Bizet's "Song of the Matador". The announcer introduced: The next program is "Poor and lower-middle peasants around the world are busy with spring plowing".

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Birthday

Manager A and Manager B are good friends. One day, they got together. Manager B saw Manager A looking depressed and asked

what happened. Manager A sighed: "Yesterday was my birthday, and my female secretary invited me to her home to celebrate my birthday."

"Isn't that great?" "When I arrived at her home, she asked me to Wait for a while in the living room, and then go to the bedroom to find her in five minutes.

She said she wanted to give me a surprise. "Isn't that better? It's a happy birthday."

"I thought so too

at the time. But five minutes later, I walked into the bedroom and found that my female secretary and other staff were inside, waiting for me with a birthday cake.

"That's not bad. Your staff all love you. You should be happy." "But I went in after I took off all my clothes." ”

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Boyfriend

Question: Why is it so difficult to find a kind and considerate boyfriend in the United States?

Answer: Because They all have boyfriends

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Once a certain poet and a general were guests at a banquet. The hostess tried her best to show off her love for poetry.

p>

What a profound achievement. My poet friend will now compose a sonnet for me and recite it on the spot.

Oh, no, the poet declined. Say, let this general fire a cannon!

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The mother mouse strode across the kitchen floor with a group of little mice, when suddenly one jumped out. Cat. The cat cried: Meow!

The mother mouse also called out: Meow! The confused cat went away, and the mother mouse said to her little mice.

Say: Look, I was right! I told you that it is always useful to learn another foreign language.

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The psychiatrist asked the patient: Are you? I heard some sounds, but I didn’t know who was speaking or where they came from.

Yes.

When was that? What happened?

When I went to answer the phone.

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A window in an apartment said: For Sale

p>

The window of the house next door read: Thank God

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The mother mouse grabbed her son's hand and ran away from the evil cat chasing after her. Just as it was approaching the entrance of the mouse hole, the evil cat was preparing to pounce. At this critical moment, the rat mother turned around and called: "Woof, woof, evil cat!" >

Stunned, the mouse family took advantage of this moment to return to the cave safely! The frightened mother mouse said earnestly to the mouse: Now!

You know the importance of foreign languages< /p>

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Key

It is said that during the Crusades, a soldier, Old Qiao, used the most popular chastity belt at the time to keep his wife from cheating on her

___ p>

Locked it up, and was afraid that he would lose the key, so he gave the key to his most trusted friend for safekeeping.

On the day of departure, the troops walked more than a mile and saw him. His friend hurriedly caught up from behind and asked him breathlessly: Old Qiao, are you right? This key can't be opened at all?

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Duties

When Dasha entered a certain country, he brought a myna with him. The customs officer stopped him and said:

‘Sir! You also have to pay for this myna. Tax. 』

"How much should I pay?"

"It's only 50 dollars if it's a specimen!"

At this time, I heard that The bug shouted hoarsely:

"Don't be stingy, Dasha!"

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Three wishes

Once upon a time, there was a man who was often beaten by his wife and was very afraid of her. One day, after being beaten by his wife, he ran out very depressed

to relax. Normally when he was in a very bad mood, God was inspired by him and appeared in front of him. God

God said: "I can give you three wishes, but your wife will have twice as many wishes as you." So

someone said: "I wish you a lot." Money." Suddenly, a lot of money appeared next to him, but h

iswife had twice as much money as him; then he said his second wish: "I hope to be richer." At this time, more money appeared around him, but more and more money appeared around his wife.

At this time, God

said: "You still have a wish, tell it quickly!" The man thought about it again and again, and finally said to God with a little frustration

: "Please beat me half to death!"

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Dad

A lonely and helpless pregnant woman fainted at the door of a hospital and was The doctor saved her, but she was about to give birth but had a difficult delivery.

The doctor helped her give birth to a baby boy, but the mother died. Before she died, she begged the doctor to help her find a baby.

< p>A family adopted her, and the doctor thought for a moment and finally nodded in agreement.

At the same time, a priest came to the hospital to have an ordinary gall growing in his stomach to be removed. The doctor lied to him and said that he had given birth to a child.

The priest said happily : It’s really a gift from God. He took the child back and raised him; as time passed

Twenty years later, the baby finally grew up, but the priest couldn't afford to fall ill. He felt that he would not be alive soon, so one day he died

p>

The child called to the bed and said: Son! I'm about to die. There's one thing you must know. In fact, I'm not your real father... I'm your mother, and your real father is the priest in the parish next door...

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Male: I like you so much... I really like you... Can I kiss you? .

Female: Shameless….

Male: Then I’ll kiss you...

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It is said that the victory was eighty-eight and it was close to eleven-thirty. A man and a woman hugged each other so tightly that they could not part with each other

< p>Five minutes and four minutes left... No matter how loyal the love is, it can't stop the door of the dormitory from closing. The two clasped hands were finally separated

When the girl took the first step into the dormitory The boy mustered up the courage to speak loudly to me. There are...three...words...

I didn't...tell...you...that all the men and women who win eight houses and one house and win nine houses poke their heads out and reluctantly leave in front of the eight gates

p>

The couple, including the guard, were all waiting intently for the three most touching words in human history

All the noise suddenly turned into silence when the man said loudly Go to bed early...early...

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The reason for painting

Beside the lake, a painter was painting, and a man and a woman came behind him. They watched for a while, and finally the husband said to his wife in an irrefutable tone: "You see, my dear, how miserable it will be if you don't buy a camera!"

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That’s it

A young couple went to an art exhibition. The wife is highly myopic. She stood in front of a large painting and looked at it carefully for a long time, and then shouted loudly: "Oh my God! Why is this woman so ugly?" ?" "My dear, don't make a fuss," the husband quickly stepped forward and quietly told his wife: "This is not a painting, it is a mirror."

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Golden Gate Bridge

A man drove across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco with his wife and father-in-law. As soon as I crossed the bridge, I was stopped by the police

and the mayor of San Francisco standing on the roadside. The policeman said to him with a smile on his face: You are the 5,000,000,000,000,000 person who has driven across the Golden Gate Bridge since it was built. Mr. Mayor will give you five dollars. A thousand dollars as a souvenir

. After hearing this, the man was so happy that he couldn't even open his mouth. The police asked him, what are you going to do with the five thousand yuan? This guy hurriedly

said: I am so poor that I can't even afford a driving license, so the first thing I do is to get a license as soon as possible. His wife listened anxiously on the sidelines and quickly told the police: Don't listen to his nonsense. He talks nonsense when he is drunk! The old father-in-law, who had been dozing in the car, woke up and saw the policeman. He shouted angrily: "Look, look, I've followed you a long time ago." You said this stolen car can't drive far!

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Drunk

A drunken man got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, came back and hurriedly shook his wife to wake up: "Hey, wake up, our house is haunted. "Yeah!" When his wife knew that he was drunk last night, she said, "Don't be crazy again."

The drunk man said: "Really! Look, as soon as I opened the door, the light automatically turned on. As soon as I closed the door, the light went out. Isn't there a ghost?" The wife was so angry that she pointed at his nose and yelled: "You peed in the refrigerator again!"

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I made a scene Joke

I made a joke last Friday. I went to London to do some shopping. I went to buy Christmas gifts, and I also wanted to find some books for my professional courses at university (this shows that I am a student). I took the early train to London that day, and I bought everything I wanted shortly after noon. I didn't like staying in London very much. It was too noisy and the traffic was too crowded. Besides, I had already made arrangements for that evening, so I took a taxi to Waterloo Station. To be honest, I couldn't afford to take a taxi, but I wanted to catch the 3:30 train back that day. Unfortunately, I ran into a traffic jam. When I arrived at the train station, the train had just left. I had to stay for an hour waiting for the next train. I bought a copy of the "Standard" evening newspaper and strolled into the campus at the station. The campus was almost empty at this time of day, so I ordered a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies - chocolate chip cookies. I love this cookie. There were plenty of empty seats, so I found one by the window.

I sat down and started working on the crossword puzzle that was in the newspaper. I think it's fun to make this kind of game.

After a few minutes, a man came and sat across from me. There was nothing special about this man except that he was tall.

It can be said that he looks like a typical city businessman - wearing dark clothes and carrying a briefcase.

I said nothing and continued working on my crossword puzzle. Suddenly he reached over, opened my pack of biscuits, took a piece, dipped it in his coffee and put it into his mouth. I couldn't believe my eyes! I was so surprised that I was speechless. No

But I didn’t want to make a fuss, so I decided to ignore it. I always try to avoid getting into trouble. I just took a cookie and went back to do my crossword puzzle.

I neither looked up nor made a sound when this man took the second cookie. I pretended to be particularly interested in games. After a few minutes, I

reached out my hand casually, took out the last cookie, and glanced at this person. He was glaring at me. I put the cookie into my mouth a little nervously

and decided to leave. Just when I was about to stand up and leave, the man suddenly pushed his chair back, stood up and left in a hurry. I felt relieved and prepared to stay for two or three minutes before leaving. I finished my coffee, folded the newspaper and stood up. At this moment, I suddenly discovered that my package of biscuits was placed on the table where I originally placed the newspaper.

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Aircraft

During a certain military exercise, a certain team was ordered to wait for the arrival of a helicopter at a designated location, but the aircraft always failed

Not yet. At this time, the captain saw an old woman planting vegetables in the field. So, he stepped forward to ask. In order to make the old woman understand, he

said: Madam, did you see an iron bird flying by? The aunt thought for a while and said: I didn't see Tie Niao, but I did see a helicopter.

There was one.

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Seat Belts

The stewardess announced to the passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. The plane will take off soon." After taking off, the voice of the stewardess came from the loudspeaker again. "Please buckle your seat belts tighter. I'm sorry, we forgot to load the breakfast for today.

”

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A taxi driver was driving very fast. The passengers in his car were scared and asked him to drive slower. The driver said:

Okay! My eldest brother also drives a taxi like this. He has been driving it for more than ten years without any problems... Then the taxi started to get awkward with the man driving a sports car next to him.

The passenger was very scared and asked him not to quarrel with others. The driver said: OK! My elder brother also drives a taxi like this

He hasn’t driven a taxi for more than ten years. What happened later was that the driver kept running red lights again, and the passenger was very scared and asked him not to run red lights again. The driver said: OK! My elder brother also drives a taxi like this, and he has been driving it for more than ten years. Nothing happened...Suddenly, I came to an intersection with a green light in front of me. The driver suddenly stopped and the passenger asked curiously: Why? You want to stop now? Then the driver said awkwardly: No, I'm just afraid

My elder brother came from the red light

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mann: During the garden party, a certain stall launched a drink called Heartache. I only saw a certain man’s desire

I tried to give 50 yuan to the boss, and then the boss handed him a glass of boiled water. …

officer: I once ordered a tender mercy (120 yuan) at a garden party, but it turned out to be a small porcelain cup

The word gentle was written on the oolong tea cup …

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Smart Parrot

A man bought a parrot and wanted it to learn civilized language, so he said when he passed it every morning, Good morning. He said that he was not in good spirits this morning and said nothing when he passed by. The bird stared at him coldly and said, Hello, you are today

What happened?

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Confident old grandfather

When the old grandfather went to the bathroom, there was an earthquake. When people dug him out of the rubble , he laughed,

It’s so thoughtful, as soon as I pulled the toilet, the house fell down

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A man who looked very charming The woman was sitting in the bar. A man walked over and asked if there was anyone here. A confused expression appeared on the woman's face. What, go to a motel? The man repeated the question and the woman asked. Responding with the same answer, the man felt angry, but said nothing and returned to his seat. After a while, the woman came to the man's table and said something. , I'm sorry, I'm studying psychology, and I'm studying people's expressions when they encounter incomprehensible answers.

The man asked loudly, "What, a hundred dollars?

< p>___

The squinting judge

Three prisoners sat in front of a squinting judge

What is your name, Bill, the judge asked majestically. The second prisoner replied honestly.

I didn’t ask you! the judge roared. But I didn't say anything, the third prisoner replied aggrievedly.

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The same tone

After a few glasses of wine, he walked up behind a woman and took her arm: "Please dance." When

the woman turned around, he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife." "I feel sorry for her," the woman said

Qi Dao, "You are a typical incompetent husband." "It's weird," he said in surprise, "You even speak like my wife."

< p>___

Swordsmanship

At the World Swordsmanship Performance Conference, the third-ranked fencer was the first to appear. The staff released a fly, and the swordsman split the fly in half with a quick swing, and the audience burst into applause. Then the second ranked fencer split the fly into four parts. At this time, the whole place was silent and people were waiting for the performance of the greatest swordsman in the world. He was seen moving his sword like a wind, and the blade of the sword struck straight at the fly, but the fly remained the same. The greatest swordsman missed his target at all, and the audience was shocked.

But the swordsman was still smiling. Someone shouted: "What can you be proud of? You missed!" The swordsman replied:

"Look carefully, the fly is still alive, but it can never be a father.

"

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Evidence

The lawyer asked the traffic police: "Can a person kneeling in the middle of the road prove that he is drunk? "Of course not, sir," the traffic policeman replied, "but this gentleman was kneeling in the middle of the road to roll up the white line painted in the middle of the road." ”

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Applying for performance

The people who came to apply for the bodyguard company formed a long queue. In order to select the person they were satisfied with as soon as possible, the examiner called You People with special talents came out to perform their special skills. Those who came out performed boxing, Muay Thai, karate, Chinese Kung Fu, swordsmanship, shooting, etc. It was the last one's turn. , but he stood still. "Sir, what are you waiting for?" "The examiner asked.

"I'm sorry, everyone, I control the atomic bomb. "The man said.

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Don't tell me earlier

One day, a drunk man walked out of the Portman Hotel, got into a taxi, and said to the driver: "Hilton Hotel, room 818

on the 8th floor. "On the way, the driver noticed that the drunk man had taken off all his clothes one by one, and said, "Sir, I haven't reached your room yet! The drunk man was angry when he heard this: "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I had already taken off my leather shoes outside the door just now!

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Drunk

One day, a drunk man walked out of the Portman Hotel, got into a taxi, and said to the driver, "Get in the Portman." ." Then he fell asleep

and went away. The driver was stunned, and hurriedly pushed the drunk man to wake him up and said, "You are in Portman now." After hearing this, the drunk man took out the money and handed it to the driver and said, "No need to look for it." Before getting off the car, he said to the driver with concern: "Don't drive too fast in the future, it's dangerous."

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Red Ink

I heard that Siberia has good conditions , two Russian workers Ivan and Bose discussed working as construction workers there. Worried about being deceived, Ivan went first, while Bose waited for news from him before making a decision. Before setting off, the two of them made an agreement: if the letter is written in blue ink, it means the truth; if it is written in red ink, it should not be taken as true.

A month later, Ivan wrote a letter, and Bos was very happy because the letter was written in blue ink:

Dear Bos:

Here The situation is very good, the supermarket has everything, including sausages, medium-sized pork and other meats. Every morning

Fresh bread and milk are provided, and clothes are very cheap. There is only one thing out of stock, I can’t buy red ink!

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Reason for being late

Jenny, who is often late, was late again today. However, Jenny's mother asked her to bring a note to the manager, which read: "I'm sorry, my daughter is often late. This is because there are three young girls in my house, and there is only one mirror.

Face."

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It varies from person to person

Foley showed the golf equipment he just bought to his friend: "My wife and I have gained a little weight. The doctor said it's mainly due to lack of exercise. So I'm planning to join a golf club." "What about your wife?" "I've bought a lawnmower.

Give it to her"

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The price of cats fluctuates

In the market, a customer asked: "Hey! This one. How much does the cat cost?"

"100 francs, sir"

"But you only had 20 francs yesterday"

"Because it ate my house this morning. A parrot worth 80 francs.”

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It was too late

I didn’t know what true happiness was until I got married. But unfortunately it was too late.

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Verify

Mr. Jenkins and his wife got into a quarrel over breakfast over some family chores. "You don't know how to do housework, and you never think about others. Besides, your performance in bed is also terrible!" The husband ridiculed angrily.

After saying that, he angrily took his briefcase and went to work. At noon, Mr. Jenkins felt a little regretful and felt that he should not have said those words to hurt his wife. So, he dialed his home phone number. But the ringing kept ringing, but no one answered.

Just when Mr. Jenkins was about to hang up the phone, his wife picked up the receiver. "Why did it take you so long to answer the phone?"

The husband asked. "I'm in bed," the wife replied lazily. "What are you doing in bed now?" the husband asked again. "I'm verifying what you said this morning!" the wife replied.

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One-way street

One day, a gentleman was riding a motorcycle on the road and was suddenly stopped by the police. Instead of being nervous, this gentleman was very excited.

Because he had a lot of documents with him, he immediately took the documents to the police as soon as the car stopped...

Mr.: Driving license, business license...

Police: Suspicious? …. oh…….

Sir: Can you go? …It feels so good to be inspected.

Police: Sir...this is a one-way street...

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The fate of the fly

There are three people: Americans, Chinese , Jews...drinking together...

Suddenly, a fly swam into the three people's drinks...

The American asked the waiter to come over and get another glass.

The Chinese drank the wine without saying a word...

The Jew grabbed the fly and put it on the table and said: Spit it out, spit out the drink you drank...

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Entrepreneur< /p>

A successful entrepreneur told his children:

A successful person must have two necessary conditions: integrity and wisdom.

Zi: What is integrity?

Father: Integrity means delivering goods to customers today even though we know we will go bankrupt tomorrow.

Tzu: So what is wisdom?

Father: Don’t do such a stupid thing! ! !

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Are you blind?

A traffic accident occurred in a prosperous urban area, and two cars collided head-on.

One of the drivers shouted angrily: "Are you blind?" 』

The other driver was not willing to be insulted and retorted: "Who said that?" Didn't I knock you right into your face?

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A young man who just learned to ride a motorcycle accidentally hit an old woman on his bike

Young man: Grandma, I'm sorry! I don't know how to ride...

Grandma: I’m not very good at riding, but I still hit it so accurately!