Bedtime joke

Jokes are short in length, simple and ingenious in story, often unexpected, giving people a wonderful feeling of being suddenly enlightened. The following are my carefully arranged bedtime jokes, welcome to share.

Sleeping joke 1 1, when dating, I asked, "What do you do?"

Man: "I am an indoor lighting control device."

I thought it was high-tech, for fear that people would think I didn't know anything and didn't have the courage to ask, but I was flattered.

Later I learned, damn it, it was a curtain seller. ...

2. In order to propose to your girlfriend, pretend to read her palm, and then tell her affectionately that your future husband is a peerless good man, handsome and rich, and you can enjoy happiness for a lifetime if you marry him.

My girlfriend smacked and got angry to her face: If you want to break up with TM, just say so. ...

3. A buddy loves to show off his wealth. One day, he invited him to dinner and said, "I don't want anything now. I have a house, a car and a deposit." I don't know how to get her to bring things. "

At this time, a sister next to her said lightly, "You can ask her to bring you a child!" " .

4. "Will you leave me?"

"yes."

"When?"

"After you leave this world."

"Get out, why do you want me to die first!" Girlfriend backhand slap ...

5. W: Honey, do you think my breasts are big?

Man: mmm! Like two mines!

Woman: Bah! Karen's house is not that big!

Man: mmm! Buried in the soil!

6. My girlfriend just put on a mask.

Girlfriend: Honey, do you think I'm white?

Me: Well, Bai!

Girlfriend: Then why don't you praise me?

Me: Oh, one white covers all the ugliness. ...

Pa ~ ~ resounded through the sky.

7. Visiting the night market with my girlfriend, she took a fancy to a little thing on the stall. The boss asked for 30 yuan, and his girlfriend asked, "Can you make it cheaper?"

The boss didn't agree, and his girlfriend bargained to 20. "I didn't bring much money for a walk, so it was 20."

The boss was about to agree when I added, "I still have money here."

My girlfriend snapped and turned away, so angry that she didn't buy anything.

Hey, hey, it's only worth 20 yuan a slap, I snickered!

8. I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant today.

Me: What's the matter? You didn't take medicine last time.

Girlfriend: Yes, I ate two.

Me: Then why are you pregnant? What are you eating?

Girlfriend: antibiotics.

Me:! ! !

Joke 2 1 before going to bed, 7-year-old son ran into the room and showed me a crawling caterpillar in his hand. I was scared when I saw the bug, but I couldn't let my son see it, so I said in a relaxed tone, "Get it outside quickly, its mother must be looking for it."

The son turned and walked out. I thought I had achieved my goal. But who knows that he will come back soon with two caterpillars crawling on his hands: "Mom, I brought his mother!" " "

My son just entered the first grade, and one day he forgot to bring his pencil case. His anxious mother specially sent it to him in class. The teacher touched his son's head and whispered, "Say goodbye to mom."

Immediately, dozens of students in the class shouted in unison: "goodbye, mom!" " "

3. Dad: "Don't move your feet while eating."

Son: "How did you see my feet under the table? Is it because you have corns on your feet? "

My 4-or 3-year-old daughter said she could make sentences, so I asked her to make sentences with "young". She immediately made a sentence: "Mom lost weight, and lost a lot of pounds when she was young."

In order to express my desire for my son, I named him "Zhuoyue". For seven years, there is nothing wrong with this name. I watched TV the night before yesterday, and there was an advertisement on TV. The slogan is "Challenge the limit and pursue excellence". My son suddenly asked me, "Dad, why do they pursue me?"

6. The children get together and everyone performs.

One of the children is excellent and plays the piano on the stage. After the performance, the parents who watched the performance kept shouting for her to play another one.

The teacher asked her if she wanted to play another song. As a result, the child was so anxious that he was about to cry: "I didn't play it wrong. Why should I play it again?"

7. It is really a biological child.

My wife farted loudly while watching TV last night, and I was just about to say something sarcastic. The five-year-old son next to him said silently, "The light in the corridor is on ..."

8. The financial storm is coming.

The son took the cash from home to the balcony and said, "The financial storm is coming!" " "

I have my own pocket money.

Me: Little girl, uncle will buy you some candy. Little girl: I have my own pocket money. Me: Hey, how much pocket money can you have? Little girl: I have saved more than 8 thousand. Me: ok ... can I buy a pack of cigarettes for my uncle?

10, you can't take the train at night

Son and mother are chatting on the train. Son: Mom, you can't take the train at night. Ghosts! Mom: Don't talk nonsense, there are ghosts! Child: There is a track!

Jokes before going to bed 3 1, satisfied

"Hey, what's up, Frederick?" Father asked. "Is your female teacher satisfied with you?"

"Ah, yes, Dad, very satisfied." "How do you know? Did I tell you myself? "

"Of course, Dad, she said to me the day before yesterday," if all the students like it.

If you do this, I will leave school at once. "This shows that I have learned everything."

2. Benefits

What are the benefits of public places around the college for their study?

1, disco: English

2. Billiards Hall: Mathematics and Physics

3. pub: chemistry

4. Hotel: Biology

3. Study

A student threw a coin into the air: "Look up to see a movie, play billiards on your back, and learn when the coin stands up."

4. One hour of happiness

President Gao: Students, you are in a degenerate era, and you are surrounded by all kinds of temptations. I want to ask you a question,

Is it worthwhile to exchange one hour of happiness for a lifetime of humiliation?

Student: Principal, how to be happy for an hour?

5. abstract painting

When handing in homework to the art teacher, one student only handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher asked, "What about the painting?"

The student replied, "Here?" He pointed to a blank sheet of paper and said.

Teacher: "What did you draw?"

Student: "Cows eat grass."

Teacher: "Where is the grass?"

Student: "All the cows have been eaten."

Teacher: "Where are the cows?"

Student: "All the grass has been eaten, why are the cows still standing there?"

Step 6 be wronged

Father: "Son, how did you become the worst student in the class?" son

: "Can you blame me? The worst students were transferred to another school. "

7. inertia

The physics teacher is talking about inertia, and the next student is talking nonsense.

The teacher gave him a hint, but he went his own way. Teacher: What did I just say?

Student: Inertia

Teacher: Please give an example.

Student: I was just talking below. In spite of your hints, I can't stop at once. This is inertia.

8. notice; pay attention to

"What's wrong with you today? What have you been fiddling with it for so long? " Father said, from

The son grasped the notice in his hand and turned it over. There is a comment written by the teacher: "Shooting slingshots in class, putting bugs in students' pockets ... please tell parents. "

"What kind of person will you become when you do all this at school?" The father yelled at his son.

"Dad, this is not my notice. I found it in your old box. "

9. Dad infected me.

One day, both father and son got up very late. Father didn't go to work and son didn't go to school.

"In the office, people will think that I am ill. What about you? What do you say when classmates ask about you? " The father asked his son.

"I told you that my father's illness infected me."

10 island

One day, my mother killed a mouse in the house. She didn't want her neighbors to know, so she told her little son not to tell anyone because the mouse was dirty. But Xiao Yao said to his classmates, "My family has a secret, which is too dirty to tell you."

1 1, me after 30 years.

The fifth-grade composition teacher assigned a composition topic "Me Thirty Years Later".

Xiaomei, a girl in the class, wrote: ... It's a nice day today. I take my children to the park to play. I'm driving the limousine my husband bought me, with a big diamond ring on my finger and a gold necklace around my neck that he just bought me last month. I took my lovely children for a walk in the park, and people everywhere envied me. Suddenly, a smelly, muddy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. I looked at it carefully. Oh, my God! She used to be my Chinese teacher in grade five. ...

12, Dad is hungry.

Dad told the children the story that his family was poor and often went hungry when he was a child. After listening to the story, my little daughter had tears in her eyes, and the cake in her hand was only half eaten. She said to her father with great sympathy, "Oh, Dad, I see. You came to our house because you didn't eat, did you? "

Little joke before going to bed 4 lovers quarrel

A classmate was admitted to graduate school, and one day he heard a couple quarreling. Woman: "You lied to me!" Man: "I didn't lie to you!" " "Woman:" You are lying to me. You don't even want to be with me. Don't think I don't know. You are only with me to steal my experimental data! "

The trend is good.

Half a year ago, in order to spur my weight, I filled out an Excel form and generated a trend chart. Today, my colleague passed by my seat, only to see him pass by and fall back thoughtfully. He whispered in my ear, "hmm … can you tell me which stock you are?" ? The trend is quite good ... "

Repair electric drill

I am an orthopedic surgeon, and I often have operations. One day, I had an operation to fracture my tibia and fibula. The patient is a middle-aged man in his forties. I have no idea what happened that day. Several electric drills were changed during the operation, and they were all broken, so they could not work well. At this time, the patient who had been lying there quietly suddenly spoke weakly: "Let me see, I repair the electric drill ..."

Winning situation

Today, I was idle and bored. I sorted out my mobile phone messages and found that I won numerous prizes: more than 8,000 yuan, 2 Mercedes-Benz, 3 Lamborghini, 1 Porsche 1, 1 iPhone4, 5 and 6. There are several sons, a lost daughter, 10 from the general manager, six relatives, two companies and five court summons. * * * owed more than 20,000 phone bills, and the credit card was maxed out four times.

Joke 5 1 before going to bed, people in the workplace want KFC (willing to work hard and get opportunities), McDonald's (working hard) and Pizza Hut (sure to win customers).

2, it's gray and wild, busy with work every day, flustered every day, and fearful at night, except that the company is a bed, people are boundless, and the heart is cold, always thinking about the year-end award, the wind is crazy about the moon, and the elder brothers are definitely better than me.

3. The general manager of a certain group lectured: "You only lie and brag all day, and there is no truth. What can you do except let you be laid off? " Trainee: "then let me go to the advertising department!" "

4. Three obedience and four virtues in the workplace. Obey the boss, obey the money, obey the rules; Work hard, eat dead cats, suffer indignities and talk.

At the end of the year, the manager held a staff meeting: colleagues worked hard for a year, and the company decided to raise wages in disguise. Everyone was very excited, and the manager added: I used to deduct one hundred for being late, but now I will deduct fifty. Whoever is late will take advantage in the future.

6. The bank manager hired an ugly person with crooked eyes, crooked nose and crooked ears as a cashier, which surprised everyone. The manager explained: If he absconded with money, it would be easy for us to state his outstanding features on the wanted notice.

7. Xiao Wang is responsible for the recruitment of the company. Recently, the company will recruit a group of employees. Xiao Wang asked candidates to fill in the personal data form. The next day, when Xiao Wang looked at the registration form, he found that the political outlook of one of them was impressively written "oval face" and he burst into tears on the spot.

Although I just want to be a coolie, I have to dress up before I can find a job in the talent market! You can't make a fool of yourself in public. So I wore a suit and tie, polished my shoes and went on my way. When I arrived at the talent market, I saw a sea of people, which was impenetrable. I didn't squeeze in, thinking, "With my conditions, finding a coolie is also a piece of cake!" " "So I waited and waited, and the sun went down, and no one came to recruit me. It's almost hopeless At this time, a man came quickly, and I quickly adjusted my hair. As long as he asks, I will agree to whatever conditions. He came over and said only one sentence: "boss, do you want to recruit a coolie?" " "

Bedtime joke 6 1, rounded off

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where's Dad?"

Mother saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Is Dad at home? What do you want with dad? " "I asked my father for fifty cents."

"Why?" Mom asked.

"Before taking the math test, my dad told me,' If I get a score of 100, I'll get 1 yuan, and 80 will be given to 8 cents.' Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied.

My mother was surprised and asked, "What! Mathematics is only 45 points? "

Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it has to be rounded off mathematically, so Dad has to pay 50 cents."

2. Law of multiplication and distribution

The teacher found a student's name in the exercise book: Mu (1+2+3).

The teacher asked, "Whose exercise book is this?"

A student stood up and said, "It's mine!"

Teacher: "What's your name?"

Student: "Mulinsen!"

Teacher: "Then how did you write your name like this?"

Student: "I used multiplication and division!" " "

3. Numbers don't lie.

"Numbers don't lie," said the teacher. "If a house takes one person twelve days to build, twelve people only need one day. One hour is enough for 288 people. "

A student went on to say, "Seventeen thousand two hundred and eighty people only need one minute, and 1,036,800 people only need one second. In addition, if it takes six days for one ship to cross the Atlantic, it takes six ships a day. Four cups of 25-degree water add up to boiling water! Numbers don't lie! "

4. Composition score

In Chinese composition class, the teacher assigned a 500-word composition.

As soon as the bell rang, a student found that he had only written 250 words. He had a brainwave and wrote "the above content ×2" in the last line of the article.

A few days later, the composition book was issued, and the position of the score suddenly appeared "80÷2".

5,0 ability

Once, 9 said contemptuously to 0, "Your skill is only 0".

0 bowed his head and replied respectfully, "I admit it." You really admire me, because your skill is ten thousand times that of me (that is, 0* 10000) ".

Stupid and proud to strut. However, it attracted other smiles.

6. Half past eleven

In the fourth class in the morning, A is hungry and doesn't want to attend class. He just sat in his seat, thinking about beef and bread.

The math teacher found him absent-minded and asked him, "What would happen if the decimal number 1. 130 moved one place to the right?"

A student replied without thinking, "there will be lunch!" " "

7. possibility

I visited the weather station and saw many latest weather forecasting instruments.

After the visit, I asked the stationmaster, "You said there was a 75% chance of rain. How did you calculate it?"

Without much thought, the stationmaster replied, "That is to say, there are four people here, and three of them think it will rain."

8, left and right apart

The teacher asked a question: 8÷2=?

Then I asked everyone, "How much is 8 divided into two halves?"

Pippi replied: "It is equal to 0!"

The teacher said, "How come?"

Pippi explained: "Separate up and down!"

Ding Ding said: "No, it is equal to the ear!"

Teacher: "Oh?"

Tintin replied, "Let's separate the left and right!"

9. Go to study

A student threw a coin into the air: "Watch TV on my back and play games with my back. If the coin stands up, I will study."

10, on the question of time

In a math class, the teacher asked the students, "Who can ask a question about time?" As soon as the voice fell, a student raised his hand and stood up and asked, "Teacher, when is school over?"

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