My love and hatred with my lover

Recently I read several stories about reincarnation on public accounts. It aroused my desire to record my story.

I met my lover C on May 5, 2005. I was in my junior year of college that year. In fact, before that, there were people who liked me and people I liked, but I I was always afraid of delaying my studies (I wanted to take the postgraduate entrance examination at the time) and was hesitant to maintain a closer relationship with the person I liked than a friend. I never had the courage to go further. In fact, this kind of behavior is very inconsistent with my personality. As soon as the person who likes me behaves a little bit more than a friend, I will immediately retreat and stay away from him. I didn't have much affection for my children during college. My only goal was to be admitted to Xiamen University as a graduate student and engage in experimental research that I liked in the future. I introduced so much just to say that I had no intention of falling in love at that time.

The May Day holiday in 2005 was still seven days. In order to accompany the Lanzhou girl and not let her be alone in the dormitory, I chose to stay in school. Every day the Lanzhou girl and I eat, sleep, and go to the library to read. The days pass quickly and fulfillingly. On the afternoon of May 4, the Lanzhou girl said she wanted to go to the playground and run a few laps to increase her physical fitness. If we don’t exercise every day, it’s not good for our health. I declined the suggestion to run with her and stayed alone in the library.

In the evening, when we were having a rest, the girl from Lanzhou told me that she met a boy from Shenyang Institute of Physical Education who was quite handsome while running in the afternoon. After asking carefully, I found out that when the girl was running in Lanzhou, a young man came over and struck up a conversation with her, and even asked her to run with her the next day. I hate people who take the initiative to strike up conversations with girls. I don’t think any serious person would tease a strange girl? I also educate girls in Lanzhou to stay away from such people in the future, and they are from a foreign school, which is too unsafe. The girl persuaded me to go running with her tomorrow. I told her clearly that I don't run and you can't go either. These days we can only stay in the dormitory or the library to avoid causing trouble. At this time, the phone in the dormitory rang. It was the boy from Shenyang Physical Education College (that is, Mr. C), asking the girl from Lanzhou to see the peach blossoms. I was very angry at the time and lectured the girl from Lanzhou on how I could give her phone number to someone I had just met once and who was from another school and was here to strike up a conversation. A girl from Lanzhou asked me to accompany her to see the peach blossoms, and said that Mr. C didn’t look like a bad guy. I was determined not to go, and she was not allowed to go either. He took the initiative to talk to a girl, asked for her phone number, and made an appointment to see a girl in the evening. No matter how you think about it, Mr. C is not a good guy.

As a result, something incredible happened. I had a dream at night, and I dreamed about the scene where we met Mr. C. The dream was very clear. Mr. C is wearing a white sportswear and sunglasses. In the dream, Mr. C doesn’t feel like the type I like. She's cool, arrogant, and can put on a show. The next morning, the Lanzhou girl still persuaded me to accompany her to the appointment, but I still refused. At noon, the conversation between me and the Lanzhou girl would still talk about the scumbag Mr. C from time to time. I couldn't help it, so I told the Lanzhou girl about my dream about Mr. C last night. The Lanzhou girl said that if Mr. C calls within an hour and a half while we are in the dormitory, we will go to the appointment. If he does not call or calls at night, we will ignore him. As a result, as soon as he finished speaking, Mr. C’s call came in.

? Not only does Mr. C dress exactly the same as in the dream, but his figure (fat or thin) and face shape are also the same as in the dream. What's more, the body language is also the same, they are all so unlikable, and they look like they are worth 25,800 yuan. In a word, not only is it not my favorite type, it is also the type I hate the most.

C Jun Dao is really capable. In one night, I went from hating him to liking him. In the words of Lanzhou girls, when they go out they are cold and disgusted, but when they come in they are full of peach blossoms and beaming with joy. (Actually, I am a very stubborn person, and few people can change my inherent cognition).

Naturally, I fell in love with Mr. C, and I put all my studies and postgraduate entrance examinations in the back of my mind. I think about meeting Mr. C all day long, but not seeing him for one day feels like three autumns.

My roommates all advised me not to object to your falling in love. It’s not like today has passed and there will be no tomorrow, but the days of preparing for the exam are getting shorter and shorter every day. I can't hear anything. The grand ambitions and dreams of the past (Xiamen University) are no longer important. I fell in love like a ghost. In the end, I didn't get a chance to be a graduate student.

After graduating from college, I traveled thousands of miles with Mr. C from Northeast China to Huainan. We are both poor students, so our life is naturally hard, but it is not depressing, but rather nourishing. Because we have love. That's really showing affection and spreading dog food every day. Friends around us all laughed at us (no harm done), and we were so disgusted that we vomited as much as we ate. A few years passed like this.

? I don’t know since when, I started to look down upon what he did. My appearance is also a flaw that he can't stand. We both began to dislike each other, and the love between us disappeared silently.

In 2017, I was fortunate enough to come into contact with Buddhism. A large part of the reason why I first came into contact with Buddhism was that I was too depressed and wanted to seek relief. Most of the time I live in a state of self-deprecation. I feel like my life is a failure. I ran so far for a man, abandoned my parents, and couldn't fulfill my filial piety in front of my parents. My parents paid so much for me, but I didn't make any contribution to the family, so I ran away selfishly and willfully. Now the little family is living in a state of unspeakable suffering. The affection and affection I once had is gone, and now Mr. C doesn’t want to talk to me at all. He neither cares about me nor rarely discusses with me when encountering problems. I remember there is a saying: People who only want to marry for love are miserable. When there is no love, there will be nothing.

Watching fellow Taoists around me improve their relationships with their loved ones and family members through learning, I was also frustrated. I also study very hard. Why haven’t there been any big changes in my family? Until one day in December 2019, I had a strange dream. It should be the Bodhisattva who gives guidance.

In the dream, I lived in a hotel with Mr. C and another person. Mr. C was sleeping, and that person went out to do errands, so I talked to Mr. C, as if I was talking about that person. Mr. C doesn't let me talk because he thinks I disturb him in his sleep (he also hates it when others disturb him while sleeping, and he gets so angry that he goes crazy). I am annoying others. The more he doesn't let me talk, the more I talk. I also pushed him with my hands (I have always been like this in my life, I always liked to deliberately provoke him and tease him), and he came to cover my mouth in anger (I knew at that time that after he covered my mouth, I would kill him). It was just a joke at the time, Mr. C didn’t use too much force, I struggled hard, and he asked me, will you die if you do this? I'm sure you'll die. He covered my mouth with all his strength. I couldn't struggle anymore, so I gave up and looked pitifully into his eyes. He relaxed and I could breathe again. He thought for a while and then covered my mouth with all his strength. His eyes were filled with murderous intent. I knew , he really had murderous intentions. I was not as strong as him, so struggling was meaningless, so I continued to pretend to be pitiful and asked him for help with my eyes. Finally, he relaxed and did not cover me to death. I woke up. Although I woke up, I knew what was going to happen next was that he went back to sleep. While he was asleep, I picked up the knife and inserted it directly into his heart. He died on the spot. I also know that what I was thinking at that time was because I saw the murderous intent in his eyes, and I was afraid that if we disagreed in the future and I couldn't defeat him, he would still kill me. The safest thing was to kill him first. (In this life, Mr. C is also a soft-spoken person. In this life, I can’t stand others hating me. I will always remember the way others hate me.)

No wonder Mr. C and I are living the same life in this life. It's so hard. It's no wonder that he is always yin and yang angry towards me. How could the hatred of killing people change as soon as they hear a little bit of Buddhism and understand a little bit of the principles of life? Everything happens for a reason. Just do good deeds in this life and pay for your sins!