English funny stories

① English humorous story

Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw

Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw. She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius. And if they could bine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man, that would be greatly harmonious． "With your wisdom and my appearance, our children must be perfect."

Bernard Shaw answered, in a letter, that her imagination wassplendid, "But, what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom?" < /p>

Proposing to Bernard Shaw

There was a beautiful and charming British actress who wrote a letter to propose to Bernard Shaw. She said that because he was a genius, she did not mind that Bernard Shaw was old and ugly. How harmonious it would be if a girl's beauty could be combined with Superman's genius. "Our descendants will be perfect if they have your wisdom and my beauty.

"

Bernard Shaw wrote back to her and said that her imagination was wonderful, "But what if the child you give birth to looks like me and is smart like you? Woolen cloth? "

② Humorous English Stories

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse es up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got ins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse es up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse es up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got ins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons ." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"! < /p>

③ English humorous joke stories

Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a *** all box with holes punched in the top.< /p>

" What's in your box?" asked the friend.

"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."

"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.

"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

p>

Tom and Jerry

Mrs. Brown went to visit a friend. She was carrying a box with little holes on the top. "What's in the box?" asked the friend. "A kitten," Mrs. Brown replied. "You know I always dream about mice when I go to bed at night. I'm very scared. This cat can catch those mice." "But mice are all imaginary," said the friend. "The kitten is imaginary, too," whispered Mrs. Brown.

④ Humorous stories about English

Three Surgeons Three famous surgeons

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

Three famous surgeons are bragging about their skills. "A man came to me with a broken arm," said one, "and now that man is a concert violinist."

"It's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me with two broken legs and I put them back together. Today, that guy is a marathon runner."

"I'm better than both of you," said a third Said, "One day, I was in a terrible car accident. Nothing was left but a horse and an eye. Today, that man sits in the United States Senate."

One day 3 people shooting competition. A, shoot the apple on someone's head in 50 steps and say: I am A. B, shot in 100 steps and said: I am B.

C, 150 steps, after shooting: I am sorry.

⑤ Four classic English funny stories

My First and My Last

When Gee was Thirty-five, he bought a *** all plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

Gee had a friend. His name was Mark. One day Gee offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've traveled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a *** all one, so I'll go."

They went up, and Gee flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, Gee, thank you very much for those o trips in your plane."

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

The first time and the last time

When George was 35 years old, he bought a small plane and began to learn drive. Soon, he was able to fly a variety of aerobatics very skillfully.

George has a friend named Mark. One day, George took the initiative to invite Mark to take a ride in the sky on his plane. Mark thought to himself, "I have flown on large passenger planes several times, but I have never flown on a small plane. I might as well give it a try."

After taking off, George flew for half an hour, in the air Did all kinds of flying stunts.

Later they landed. Mark was happy to be back on the ground safely. He said to his friend in a trembling voice: "George, thank you very much for letting me take two flights in a small plane."

George was very surprised and asked: "Two flights?"

p>

"Yes, my first and last time." Mark replied.

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own *** all phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

< p> After a minute or o he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as *** all as ants, don't they? "

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

First time flying

Mr. Johnson Once upon a time Having never flown before, he had read many reports about aviation accidents. So when a friend invited him to fly in his little plane one day, Mr. Johnson was too worried to accept. But Mr. Johnson was finally convinced and boarded the plane, thanks to repeated assurances from friends that flying was safe.

His friend started the engine and began taxiing down the airport runway. Mr. Johnson heard that the most dangerous parts of flying were takeoff and landing, so he was so scared that he closed his eyes tightly.

After a minute or two, he opened his eyes and looked out the window, and then said to his friend: "Look at those people below, they look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are the ants," replied his friend, "and we are still on the ground.

”

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spitt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favor .

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The *** ell of the spitt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was sitting there on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

Nail or fly?

An old gentleman with failing eyesight checked into a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. There was a fly on the wall, which he mistook for a nail. He hung the two bottles upwards. The bottles fell and broke, and the wine spilled all over the floor. When a waitress found out what had happened, she took pity on him and decided to do him a favor.

So, when he went for a walk in the rooftop garden the next morning, she hammered a nail into the spot where the fly had stopped.

Here, the old man returned to the room. The smell of spilled wine reminded him of that incident. He looked up at the wall and saw that the fly had stopped there again! He approached lightly and slapped it with all his strength. Hearing a loud shout, the kind-hearted waitress rushed into the room. To her great surprise, the poor old man was sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched, and his right hand was bleeding.

I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

I'll take care of the rest

p>

A conductor on the train had just given the signal for the train to start. At this time, he saw a very beautiful girl standing next to an open carriage door on the platform, talking to another beautiful girl in the carriage. .

"Come on, miss!" he shouted, "please close the door."

"Oh, I haven't kissed my sister goodbye yet," she replied.

"Please close the door," the conductor said, "I will take care of the rest."

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he plained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot . You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course, " said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Hot and Cold

A customer in a Montreal cafeteria unscrews the bathroom door The faucet was scalded by water. "It's disgusting," he complained, "that the faucet marked C is boiling water."

"But, sir, C stands for Chaude - French for 'hot'. If you live in If you're in Montreal, you need to know this."

"Wait a minute," the customer growled, "the other faucet is also marked C."

"Of course," the manager said. : “It represents cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.

”

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⑥ English funny stories

Weather Prediction

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do.

A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"

The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."

The next day, it did rain and it was very wet.

Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"

"Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.

The next day, people were so Impressed with this, they asked him another time.

Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I nno. Radio broken."

⑦ A humorous short story in English of about 50 words (with translation)

Q: Why won't the elephant use the puter?

Why doesn't the elephant use the computer?

A: He’s afraid of the mouse!

He’s afraid of the mouse!

The English word for mouse and rat is mouse.

mouse [ma?s]n. mouse; mouse; timid and shy person

2. A much worried patient walked into the doctor's office and asked for help.

"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."

"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to *** oke in the next few days." The doctor said.

A very anxious patient walked into the doctor's office to ask for help.

"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Yesterday I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline."

"Oh, don't worry. You must remember not to Just smoke," the doctor said.

3.A man was hit by a cab in the street.

He was brought to the hospital.

His wife who was standing up by his bed , said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor,

Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."

"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

A man was knocked down by a taxi on the street and sent to the hospital.

His wife stood by his bed and said to the doctor: "I think he's badly hurt."

The doctor said: "I'm afraid he's dead."

Upon hearing the doctor's words, the man turned his head and said: "I'm not dead, I'm still alive."

The wife said: "Quiet, the doctor knows better than you."

4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God.

He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

And God says: "A penny".

Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?"

And God says: "a second",

Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"

And God says "In a second".

A man entered a church to talk to God.

He asked: "Lord, how much does one million dollars mean to you?"

God answered: "One penny."

The man asked again: "What about a million years?"

God said: "One second."

Finally the man Asked: "God, can I get a penny?"

God replied: "In a second."

5. Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?

Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

Tom: Johnny, how is your little brother?

Johnny: He is ill and bedridden. He was injured.

Tom: That’s too bad. What’s going on?

Johnny: We played a game to see who could lean out of the window the farthest, and he won.

6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

His ears were in my pocket

Ivan returned home with a bleeding nose. His mother asked, "What happened?"

"A boy bit me," Ivan said.

"Can you recognize him when you see him again?" Mom asked.

"I recognize him wherever he goes," Ivan said. "His ears are still in my pocket.

”

⑧ Funny English Stories

Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.

"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, " Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"

A Baby?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "'s the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

⑨ English Humor Stories

Peter

dozed

off< /p>

while

his

teacher

was

talking.

The teacher was giving a lecture , Peter dozed off.

Teacher:

Peter! Tell

us,

what's

the

biggest

in

the

world?

Teacher: Peter! Tell me, what is the biggest in the world?

Peter:

Well,

well....eyelids....

Peter:

Hmm... um... eyelids...

Teacher:

What? Eyelids?

Teacher: What? eyelid?

Peter:

Yes,

sir.

Because

as

soon

as

I

shut

my

eyes,

the

eyelids

cover

everything

of

the

world.< /p>

Peter: Yes, teacher. Because as soon as I close my eyes, my eyelids cover everything in the world

Late

one

night

at

the

insane

asylum

(lunatic asylum) one

inmate

shouted,

"I

am

Napoleon!"

Another

one

< p> said,

"How

do

you

know?"

The

first

inmate

said,

"God

told

me!"< /p>

Just

then,

a

voice

from

another

p>

room

shouted,

"I

did

not!"

Madhouse

One night, in the lunatic asylum, a patient said: "I am Napoleon!" Another said: "How do you know?" The first person said: "God told me!" After a while, A voice came from another room: "I didn't say!"