Selected English jokes

The director of the Admissions Office of the Agricultural College is interviewing a future student. "Why did you choose this career?" He asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in agriculture, just like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in agriculture?" Deeply moved, the dean echoed.

"No," the applicant replied. "But he always dreams about it.

The director of the Agricultural School Admissions Office is interviewing an online student. "Why did you choose this career?" He asked. "I dream of making a million yuan by running a farm, just like my father." The students answered. "Your father made a million dollars by running a farm?" The director asked in surprise.

"No," the applicant replied, "he has always dreamed of making so much money."

2. Wedding or not

79-year-old Uncle Frank is a healthy and rich man, and he has been a bachelor all his life. He said that he has pursued many people, but "it has never been boiling-it is just slowly brewing." On a whim, he decided to take a trip all over the country to find nearly a dozen ex-girlfriends.

As soon as he came back, he shouted, "Whew! Thankfully, I didn't marry any of those women-they are all widows now!

Uncle Frank is 78 years old, rich and healthy. He is a lifelong bachelor. He has courted many girls, but "he never overheats-he stops when it's good". One day he had a whim and decided to walk around and see his nearly a dozen ex-girlfriends.

He sighed when he came back, "shh! Thankfully, I didn't marry any of those women. Now they are all widows! "

3. A boy with a big head doll

A boy cried and said to his mother, "all the children make fun of me." They say my head is big. "

"Don't listen to them," his mother said. "You have a beautiful head. Stop crying now and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of potatoes. "

"Where is the shopping bag?"

"I didn't—use your hat."

A little boy cried and said to his mother, "They all make fun of me and say that I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother comforted. "You have a beautiful head. Well, stop crying and go to the store to buy ten pounds of potatoes. "

"Where is the shopping bag?"

"There is no shopping bag-just use your hat."

4: Well, that's all right.

Driving my 1 1 year-old daughter to school, I turned right at the red light where right turn is forbidden. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just made an illegal turn. I think it doesn't matter, my daughter replied, and the police car behind us did the same.

I drive my 1 1 year-old daughter to school, and turn right at the red light, which is not allowed. Uh-oh, realizing that I made a mistake, I said. It's illegal for me to turn just now. I don't think that's right, the daughter replied. The police car behind us also turned a corner.

5: Driving a taxi for the first time

A taxi passenger patted the driver on the shoulder and asked him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, rushed onto the sidewalk and stopped a few centimeters from a shop window.

The driver said, "listen, man, don't do that again." You scared me to death! " The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't expect to scare you like this with a pat." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's really not your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I have been driving a funeral car for 25 years. "

The passenger patted the taxi driver on the shoulder and asked a question. The driver shouted and the car lost control. It almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk, and finally stopped when it hit a shop window a few centimeters.

The driver said, "Dude, don't do this again. You put me in a tourist trap! " The passenger said apologetically, "I didn't expect to be so scared when I photographed you." The driver said, "Sorry, it's not all your fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I have been driving a funeral car for the past 25 years. "

6: Moses and Jesus

A thief broke into a house. He saw a CD player he wanted, so he took it away. Then he heard a voice "Jesus is watching you". He looked around with a flashlight. "What the hell is that?" . He found a few dollars on the table and took them away ... He heard a voice again, "Jesus is watching you". He hid in a corner trying to find the source of the sound. He found a birdcage with a parrot in it! He went over and asked, "Is that your voice?" . It says "yes". Then he said, "What's your name?" . It says "Moses". The burglar said, "What kind of person would name his bird Moses?" The parrot replied, "The man who named his Rothwell dog Jesus.

A thief broke into a house. He saw a favorite CD player, and he bought it quickly. Just then, he heard someone say, "Jesus is looking at you." He looked at the flashlight and muttered, "Who the hell is talking?" At this moment, he saw some money on the table, and he took it away again. . . The voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." He hid in a corner, wondering who was talking. As a result, he saw a parrot and asked the parrot, "Are you talking?" The parrot admitted it. The thief said, "What's your name?" "Moses," said the thief, "who gave a bird such a name?" The parrot replied, "This is the man who named his Rothwell dog' Jesus'."

7: Only one eye can see.

The girl found the middleman and said, "You lied to me! One of his eyes is not real. Why didn't you tell me this before? "

"I have already told you." The fair matchmaker said that when you first met, I told you that he took a fancy to you at first sight.

The girl found the matchmaker and said, "You lied to me. One of his eyes is fake. Why didn't you tell me before? " "Why didn't I tell you?" The matchmaker is not to be outdone. "After you first met, I said he took a fancy to you at first sight."

8: God is not deaf, but grandma is deaf!

Two little boys spent the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, two boys knelt by the bed and prayed, and the little boy began to pray at the top of his voice. "I pray for a new bike ... I take pictures of a new Nintendo game console ... I pray for a new video recorder ..."

His brother nudged him and said, "Why are you praying loudly? God is not deaf. "

The younger brother replied, "no, but grandma is!" "

Two little boys spent the night at their grandparents' house. It's time for bed. Two little boys knelt on the bed and prayed. My brother prayed in a very loud voice, "I pray for a new bike … I pray for a new game machine … I pray for a new video recorder …" "

His brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting so loudly? God is not deaf. "

The younger brother replied, "God is not deaf, but grandma is deaf!" " "

9. Use of hand saw

At the mall, my wife and I bought some hardware products, including a handsaw. When we passed a steak house, we were returning to the car.

Let's have a try. "My wife suggested. Although I felt a little silly holding a saw, I followed her in.

My wife glanced at the menu and said to the waitress, "I want a chopped sirloin."

The waitress turned to me, looked at my saw and said, "I see it." You, sir, have our T-bone special.

In the market, my wife and I bought some hardware, including a handsaw. When we got back to the car, we happened to pass a steak house. "Let's try," my wife suggested. Although I felt a little silly holding a saw, I followed her in. My wife glanced at the menu and said to the waitress, "I'd like a fried beef tenderloin." The waitress turned to me, looked at my saw and said, "I can see, sir, that you have come to eat our T-bone specialty."

10: Did your father help you?

One day, Tim's math teacher looked at his homework and found that all his arithmetic problems were done correctly.

The teacher was very happy and surprised.

He called Tim to the table and said to him, "Tim, you did all your homework right this time." What happened? Did your father help you? "

"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to rely on myself, "Tim said." "

One day, Tim's math teacher looked at his homework and found that he got all the answers right.

The teacher was very happy and surprised at the same time.

He called Tim to the table and said, "Tim, you did all your homework right this time." What happened? Did your father do it for you? "

"No, sir, my father was very busy yesterday, so I had to do it myself."

1 1: How to take out the chewing gum?

How do I get the gum out? The stewardess handed out chewing gum to the passengers, explaining that it was to prevent their ears from bursting. When the plane landed, a passenger rushed up to her and said, "I'm going to see my wife soon." How can I get the gum out of my ear?

How to take out chewing gum When the flight attendant distributed chewing gum to passengers, she explained that chewing gum helped prevent tinnitus. After the plane landed, a passenger ran up to the stewardess and said, "I'm going to see my wife soon." How can I get the gum out of my ear? "

A blind beggar

There is a blind beggar wearing sunglasses begging for money. A drunk passed by and felt sorry for the beggar and threw him a hundred dollars. After a few steps, the drunk turned around and saw that the blind man was holding money in front of the sun to check if it was true. Feeling cheated, the drunk ran back to get the money back. "You will die! How dare you lie to me ... "The blind man didn't want to feel like a liar, so he retorted," Hey, man, I'm sorry, I'm just here to replace my really blind friend. He went to the bathroom and should come back immediately ... Actually ... I am dumb. " "Oh, oh, in that case …" So the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.

By the roadside, a blind beggar was begging in the street wearing sunglasses. A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars. After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man with his back to the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill. The drunk came over and took back the money and said, "You don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " The blind beggar said with a look of injustice, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I'm looking for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am stupid. " "Oh, that's right!" So the drunk dropped the money and staggered away again. ...

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