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Former chief interviewer of MIT: Don't let children become lonely "outsiders" in foreign countries.
Wen, Zhou, Zhou, Travis
With the development of international education, the number of international students is increasing and their age is getting smaller and smaller. Some of them moved with their parents, while others studied alone, but they all lived in different cultures from their home countries, so they were called "children of the third culture".
Dr Ruth Yusim, an American sociologist, first put forward the term "children in the third culture" (TCK for short) in the book "Children in the third culture" published by 1950.
It refers to those children who study and grow up in a country other than their parents' family environment during their infancy or adolescence. It is precisely because of their different cultures from their parents that they need to cope with a series of challenges in the process of growing up.
Children in the Third Culture
The most striking feature of "children of the third culture" is that they do not belong to any single culture.
In the process of cross-culture, they need to experience a series of cultural conflicts and social challenges, as well as the identity and attribution of "who am I". At the same time, they have to cope with the sense of loss caused by constant farewell.
Bund Jun is "abandoning" elite education ". How can this be regarded as a "contrarian" for Kochi parents to raise their children? In the article, the interviewed Jiang Peirong and his wife, their family, are a typical cross-cultural family.
Jiang Peirong is the chief interviewer of MIT China, the author of several best-selling books on family education, and the mother of three sunny boys. Her husband Lin was the president of Microsoft Venture Capital Greater China and the operation director of Microsoft Asia Pacific Group.
Jiang Peirong and his wife.
As the first generation of "children of the third culture" (TCK), Jiang Peirong and her husband moved to North America in their early years and became small international students. Both of them were admitted to MIT.
Later, due to job transfer, their eldest son Kevin, their second son Kane and their youngest son An Kai all moved from the United States to China public schools when they were children. In middle school, they transferred to international schools one after another.
In this way, the three children in Jiang Peirong experienced two "cross-cultural" changes, and they suffered more cultural shocks than ordinary TCK children.
Today, Kevin has graduated from MIT and given up the opportunity of a big company in Silicon Valley to join a startup. In his spare time, he not only writes poems, but also participates in various public welfare activities. Kane also graduated from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and used his social expertise to explore the combination of professional knowledge and management. Kevin, who loves art, got the offer from Chicago Academy of Fine Arts with the encouragement of his parents.
This time, Jiang Peirong will tell us about the cultural shock and challenges that cross-cultural children will encounter, and what preparations families with overseas students can make.
Jiang Peirong is a family of five.
Compared with language, cultural shock is the biggest challenge.
In order to give children a chance to immerse themselves in learning Chinese, Jiang Peirong decided not to send their children to international schools, but to public schools in China.
Jiang Peirong thinks that since he has come to Beijing, he should do as the Romans do, learn the local culture and language, and not waste this opportunity. "
However, when they first transferred to China to study, their Chinese level was really worrying.
Eldest brother Kevin is in the sixth grade. When he first transferred to Chinese school, they didn't even know the basic pinyin, while children of the same age already knew five or six thousand Chinese characters. The youngest son Kane is only two years old. In a kindergarten in China, he could hardly understand a word of Chinese characters and cried for three months.
Of course, it's not just children who are puzzled. Because Jiang Peirong and his wife moved overseas since childhood, they didn't have many opportunities to use Chinese every day. Even they start from scratch and learn Chinese with their children.
Fortunately, in the immersive Chinese environment, the Chinese level of the three children has been greatly improved.
After experiencing the "language pain period", all three children can understand the teacher's class and communicate freely with their peers. If you leave American citizenship behind, at least you look like a child in China.
"However, as children of the third culture, the problems they experience are actually more complicated than we thought, not only how fast they learn the language, but also whether they can keep up with it."
Looking back on their cross-cultural learning experience, the children frankly said: "The language barrier is almost a negligible factor. The biggest challenge is actually the cultural shock and thinking mode behind it, as well as the pain of an' outsider'. "
Traditionally, we think that the biggest difficulty faced by international students is language challenge. As long as the language passes, it will be natural to integrate into the study and life abroad.
Jiang Peirong said: In fact, coping with cultural shock and self-identity may be much more difficult than mastering language tools, which is also a problem that many parents ignore.
Kane, Jiang Peirong's second son, is a typical example. He has been trying to understand his identity as an outsider.
When he was studying in an American elementary school, he used to recite the Declaration of Loyalty to the American Flag every day and thought he was a patriotic American. When I arrived at China school, I refused to wear a red scarf, so my relationship with the teacher was very stiff, and I also had bad feelings with my classmates.
However, when he goes back to the United States for summer camp and meets Americans who are biased against China people, he will angrily correct and defend them and argue with his American classmates.
"Where am I from?" He's confused. "The most classic identity struggle is during the Olympic Games, when China and the United States compete, which national team is entangled in support?"
In the process of integrating into different cultural environments, there are not only problems of identity and belonging, but also social problems brought about by cultural conflicts.
"Just entering an environment, children can understand every word said by the other party, but they don't understand the way of thinking and perspective of the other party; Participating in the rehearsal of the campus drama, I can't catch the jokes hidden behind the lines ... these are all cultural alienation. "
Kane, Jiang Peirong's second son
Many international students have studied abroad for many years, but they can't fully integrate into the local life circle.
This is because, although they have friends from all over the world in their social circle, their best partners are China people.
Regarding how to improve children's social self-confidence in the international environment, Jiang Peirong expressed his experience: "Hobbies are the best social business cards, and the best way to give children social skills is to let them have their own interests."
Music is the common hobby of this family, so Mr. and Mrs. Jiang Peirong and their children formed a "Lin Jiale Team". Every time they go to a new city and community, they will find like-minded partners through music performances.
Music has become the "* * * language" for them to integrate into local life and social circles.
"The emotional connection between people is based on interests and experiences. Even if the language and culture are different, as long as we have the same hobbies, we can get along like a duck to water. "
A family of five formed the "Lin Jiale Team".
The way to deal with cultural conflicts varies from person to person.
Jiang Peirong is no stranger to cultural conflicts, even to prejudice and discrimination that cross-cultural children may encounter.
As early as Jiang Peirong 1 1 years old, she came to Vancouver from Taiwan Province province with her two sisters and became a small international student without parents.
Although they grew up in the discrimination of whites against colored people, the three sisters' acceptance of the new environment and their coping styles are quite different.
Jiang Peirong, with strong self-esteem, decided not to integrate into the new environment, and still sought after Taiwanese pop songs and TV dramas, proud of his identity as a China native; On the contrary, her second sister likes the new environment very much, completely embraces the new culture and becomes an authentic Canadian; And the youngest sister, the most sensitive, is ashamed of her identity.
Judging from the cross-cultural stories of the three sisters, the reaction of TCK group to new culture, language and environment is completely different from person to person.
However, this cultural identity and sense of belonging are constantly changing.
After Jiang Peirong's three sisters went to college, the younger sister who didn't agree with her identity suddenly wanted to find her roots. Because her college classmates were very curious about her Asian identity, she took an examination of the Department of East Asian Studies. After graduation, she returned to her birthplace, Taiwan Province Province, and became a lawyer, working in the most authentic Chinese, which left a deep impression on Jiang Peirong's family.
"Don't worry about children, because studying and living in a foreign country will completely change his identity. For a cross-cultural child, his sense of cultural belonging may be influenced by his own personality, preferences and even classmates and friends. "
On the other hand, do cross-cultural children have more sense of identity than children who belong to a single culture?
Jiang Peirong also discussed this issue with his children. Their answer is, "I don't think I am an American in the full sense or a China in the full sense, but I have absorbed the cultural values of both countries."
Similarly, many international students can see this feature more or less. Because they don't belong to a single culture, they are better at thinking from multiple cultures and angles.
Father Lin (middle) and his three sons.
So is the family atmosphere in Jiang Peirong. "For any discussion of news and current affairs, we will not only look at one side's point of view. Children will find news media from all over the world. What did China say? What does America say? What did Russia say? What will the Middle East say? Know enough information, think for yourself, and then come to an objective conclusion. "
Looking back on this cross-cultural experience, Jiang Peirong's three children all think it is the most precious gift in their growing up: "The adversity and challenges brought by cultural shock just provide an unrestrained perspective, forcing us to open our minds and start critical thinking at a very young age."
In the future, with the development of globalization, there will be more and more intercultural children studying, living and working all over the world. They can't answer, "Where are you from? Where are you from? " Such a simple question can only be answered as "My nationality is * * and I currently live in * *".
They are more like "world citizens". They don't need to seek security through a specific living environment. They can freely switch between different cultures and are full of curiosity and respect for all cultures.
Just after this interview with Bund Jun, Jiang Peirong's youngest son, Kaian, will graduate from high school and go to the Chicago Academy of Fine Arts. The couple also rented a house in Seattle, drove an RV and started a journey of "being at home in the world"; Kevin, the eldest son, plans to spend some time in Arabia, the Middle East and Africa after finishing his work.
Jiang Peirong and his wife's "RV trip"
Jiang Peirong said: "We all like this state of drifting. Compared with living in one place forever, it is obvious that a new country and a completely different culture are more attractive. "
Psychological needs of coping with losses
"From the day you send your child to an international school or study abroad, you have raised a child with a' third culture'.
They are in contact with foreign teachers every day, and their classmates come from all over the world and communicate with each other in foreign languages.
Because of the differences in culture, language and thinking, the conceptual conflict between children of the third culture and the older generation may be more intense. "
Jiang Peirong fully agrees with this statement.
Nowadays, many parents tend to send their children to study abroad from a very young age, which also makes the group of international students younger and younger.
"Is it better to study abroad as soon as possible?" Jiang Peirong has his own views on this issue. "In junior high school and younger age groups, regardless of whether children choose to study abroad, parents should stay with their children as much as possible, instead of letting them face cultural conflicts and identity challenges alone."
Children of this age have many adolescent sensitivities, such as caring about their popularity in the eyes of their peers, worrying about whether they can make boyfriends and girlfriends, and whether they can be accepted by friends. ...
Although host families and school teachers can provide some help, they cannot replace the important role played by parents in life.
"If you don't get along with your children day and night, even if you make phone calls and videos every day, it is difficult for parents to capture the confusion and emotional loss faced by their children. The lack of parental roles at this stage will also leave a big problem in the parent-child relationship. "
Once, when my youngest son, An Kai, just transferred to an international school, he was in a bad mood for a while, as if he couldn't lift his enthusiasm for school life. Sensitive Jiang Peirong speculates that it may be difficult for Kai 'an, who has been growing up in a local school, to integrate into the circle of a group of foreign students, and may even be excluded and discriminated against.
She changed the way of chatting with children, but she also paid great attention to ways and means, and would not simply ask, "Do you have a good relationship with your new classmates?" "Are you popular with everyone?" Jiang Peirong believes that children with high self-esteem will generally not tell you the truth, but will perfunctory their parents.
She suggested that parents might as well learn to "beat about the bush", such as: "Do you eat alone at noon?" "Who will have dinner with you? Do you like this friend? Can you introduce it? " Similar to skilled parent-child dialogue, children will not be disgusted, and parents can also keep abreast of the relationship between children and their peers and their integration into the new environment.
An Kai designed an insert for her mother's book Raising Children with Rich Mind.
"Fragility" is the most important key to linking emotions, and so is the parent-child relationship. After learning about your child's situation, Jiang Peirong reminded you that you might as well share your vulnerability and struggle with your child as a "weak person", hug her, and make your child willing to open his inner vulnerability to you.
If you want to have more * * * topics with your children, parents should set an example and try to integrate into another culture with an open mind, so that children can know that you are also meeting challenges and growing.
Of course, the most important and easily overlooked point is that intercultural children will face more sense of loss.
David Pollock, a researcher of the third culture and one of the authors of Children in the Third Culture, said: "Before the age of 20, a TCK needs to deal with more lost experiences in his life than a single cultural person."
Because saying goodbye to something for a long time may be an object that is difficult to take away, a accustomed living environment, or a feeling that is difficult to give up, which is the psychological feeling that TCK groups need to face most.
Help children solve this sense of loss? Jiang Peirong's trick is to use external tools, such as small objects that can express inner pain.
In 2003, when Jiang Peirong and his wife moved to Beijing from the United States with their three children, she prepared a memory box for each child. In the future, every time children leave a place, they will choose something and put it in their own memory box.
Until now, they still keep their own memory boxes, but the objects inside will be constantly updated. No matter how the space changes, there are always some important memories with me.
"In addition, it is also a good way to dispel your heart through writing. You will find that many tcks are good at writing. Because they have a lot to express or talk about, they usually turn to pens. "
Just like Jiang Peirong's eldest son Kevin, a "science man" who was admitted to MIT in advance, he likes to express his inner feelings by writing poems.
At present, he has written three novels and more than 400 poems, including a semi-autobiographical youth inspirational novel Adventure is a Red Bicycle, which truly reproduces the story of how an adolescent got out of his lost self in the form of a diary. After immigration, the language is unreasonable, the grades are not ideal, and the relationship with family and friends is tense.
Kevin's semi-autobiographical novels
Adventure is a red bike.
Of course, each child may have a different way of speaking. The key is that fathers should be able to guide their children to express their inner feelings.
At the end of the interview, Jiang Peirong recommended a movie "Inside Out", which tells a story about how to deal with the sense of loss and why this feeling needs to be accepted by himself and the people around him.
"Face the pain of loss, admit and accept it, and then recover from the pain. In this way, you will see that the ability and depth of your heart and love have been expanded, and you can meet better and enter the new season of life. "
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