2020-06 Breaking the Circle: How to Break the Barriers of Life

After reading a book called Change, I learned that the original change can be divided into first-order change and second-order change. First-order changes refer to those changes that have not changed much no matter how hard you try; Second-order changes refer to those that are easy to change. So how can we enter the second-order change? First of all, we must find the premise hypothesis of the dilemma, and then change another hypothesis, and things will be easy.

When a person has no money, he will make a decision to save money, but the result of saving money is that he can't grow and lose the opportunity to make money, and the result will be less money. There is an assumption that money is saved, but is it really saved? You will find this assumption absurd. If we can jump out of the belief that money is saved and establish the belief that new money is earned by ability, we will make new decisions, study hard and improve our ability. As your ability improves, you will naturally have more and more money. In this way, the change will enter the second order from the first order, and the dilemma of no money will be broken.

A person has the ability but dares not make money, resulting in his life has been in poverty. In some cases, the change of faith will bring the richness of life. Therefore, I want to write down what I see and feel through writing and share it with more people. I hope more people can break the limitations of cognition and achieve a breakthrough in the circle like me and the people in the case.

The environment is created by the mind, and it is also the cause of life's predicament.

Faith determines people's actions, and different actions will lead to completely different results. The state of our life today is the presentation of the results of past actions.

A repetitive behavior must have hidden benefits; If a thing is not done well, a person will not do it for a long time.

Many times, we can easily acquire all kinds of knowledge by reading books, listening to online classes and watching videos, but these knowledge are just beautiful peacock feathers. Even if what you say is a hot new word at the moment, you can go from "0 to 1" to "broad to simple" and from "origin of species" to "new economic era", but what you say is only other people's ideas, and at most you can indulge yourself in other people's admiration for a while, and other than that, it is useless.

You heard from your friend that in order to be healthy, you should go to bed early and get up early, eat vegetarian food and exercise more. You also want to be healthy, but as soon as you hear that you have to go to bed early and get up early to eat vegetarian food, your brain immediately opposes it, because you have always been used to eating meat and staying up late to disagree with this view, and your inherent beliefs keep this information out.

As for more exercise, you still feel meaningful, so this information enters your brain. However, you didn't act. Why? Because there is a belief in your subconscious, maybe it is "the tortoise can't live for thousands of years" or "exercise is too hard, why bother asking for it?" In short, your subconscious dominates your actions and determines your life. That's why you know but you can't do it. What you know is only the thoughts in the surface consciousness, and what really affects your actions is the seeds in the subconscious.

From survival to life, it is not only a process of material pursuit, but also a process of self-healing. "Being in the middle, being outside", when you are rich internally, your external material life will also be rich, so, from survival to life, you can start from the heart!

Where a person puts his time and energy can bring him a sense of accomplishment. The so-called sense of accomplishment means that a person will feel happy after doing something or finishing something. This feeling may come from the affirmation, praise and appreciation of the outside world. , or from the embodiment of internal self-worth. No matter from outside or inside, when a person can feel valuable when doing something, he will feel this way.

Husband doesn't go home because work gives him enough sense of accomplishment; Employees don't work because they can't get value from their work; Children are addicted to games and don't want to read because they can't get a sense of accomplishment from reading, and games make him feel strong. ...

If teachers can make students happy from learning, society will increase a lot of talents; If the enterprise can make employees gain value in their work, then performance

It will certainly flourish; If the family can make everyone feel warm, the world will be less crying and complaining, and more happy and happy. ...

Happy life, where is your sense of accomplishment, where is your time spent; A painful life, time deviates from a sense of accomplishment.

How can I live a happy life?

A.

Distinguish between "important things" and "urgent things" and spend time on important things.

B. Life nourishes each other, so let people around you have a sense of accomplishment.

I hope that everything that is important to you can give you a sense of accomplishment. Spend your time on important things deliberately and deliberately, and spend your time on things that make you feel fulfilled, and you will naturally be happy.

A person's words will reveal his beliefs, beliefs will affect actions, actions will create results, and the accumulation of results is a person's fate.

Behavior patterns are called "coping postures". What is a coping attitude? Coping attitude is a person's inertial response to external pressure. There are four common coping postures:

The first is the accusation. People who respond to this attitude always put the blame on each other. When they strongly defend their own interests, they always think that they are right and others are wrong, regardless of the feelings of others. It is others, not yourself, who should change.

The second is to please. People who respond to this attitude always feel bad about themselves, or once something goes wrong, they will feel it is their own fault and always be kind to others. I hope everyone is satisfied with themselves, and they will often sacrifice themselves to satisfy others.

The third is super-rationality. This kind of people rarely touch the emotional part, they will quote classics and list data to prove their views are right. Superrational people are often dull and unreasonable, which may give people the feeling of indifference.

The fourth is to interrupt. Interrupters are just the opposite of super-rational people, and there is no reason in their world. People who interrupt others feel happy and optimistic. They are very likable, because their appearance will break a lot of deadlock or unpleasant pictures, but they will habitually avoid pressure and responsibility.

Satya put forward a growth direction called "consistency". The so-called "consistency" means that in communication, we should not only take care of each other's feelings, but also express our own feelings, and work out a reasonable solution together on the basis of mutual feelings. In any relationship, once there are contradictions and conflicts, it is impossible to be the responsibility of only one party. Consistency communication is effective because it avoids putting the responsibility on the other side like a "accuser"; I will not take all the responsibilities on myself, wronged myself, and fulfill each other like "please"; Not only will it be as reasonable as a "super-rational person"-because the opinions and angles are different, the reasons will vary widely, you have your reasons, and the other side has the other side's reasons; It will not ignore contradictions and evade responsibilities in the name of happiness, like an "interrupter".

Communication is the process of the transmission and feedback of thoughts and feelings between people and groups, so as to achieve ideological consistency and emotional smoothness. As can be seen from this definition, real communication includes the following important elements:

(1) Transmission and feedback of ideas.

(2) Emotional transmission and feedback.

(3) Looking for the part that can reach an agreement in thought in transmission and feedback.

(4) Keep your feelings open in this process.

Communication that meets the above four elements is the real communication, which is divided into the following steps:

(1) See and accept each other's feelings.

(2) express your feelings.

(3) Listen to each other's point of view, find their deep needs from each other's point of view, and try their best to meet each other's needs.

(4) Express your own opinions and needs, and invite the other party to meet their own needs if possible.

(5) On the premise of frankly putting forward the needs of both sides, seek the place where both sides can reach an agreement.

Learn to be aware, and you will have more choices. With choice, life will be more free. So, starting today, try to be aware of your communication mode and see how you use "communication" to manipulate others. Let go of control and communicate sincerely, so that you are good, I am good and everyone is good.

Only those who can't afford to lose always want to win. In other words, the lower the sense of self-worth, the more people want to win, because they need to prove their value by "winning". People with high self-worth don't need to prove themselves, so there is no need to win or lose.

Between people, all pain comes from relationships, but all happiness also comes from relationships. Won the truth but lost the relationship, and finally lost.

Pattern is the general name of a person's inherent behavior, thinking and emotional response. When a person responds to the outside world in some way, the outside world will give him a fixed response. Gradually, a person's interaction with the outside world has formed a fixed pattern, which will affect a person's life. Everyone has his own mode to deal with various scenarios, some of which are effective, others are not only ineffective, but also bring bad influence to the parties.

Festinger's law. This law says: 10% of things in life are made up of what happens to you, while the other 90% is determined by your reaction to what happens. In other words, 10% of things in life are beyond our control, while the other 90% are beyond our control.

Faith determines the result.

Everyone has a fixed "coping mode" when dealing with one thing, as long as he does not change this mode, every

Everything will be led to the same result by himself. That is, people with the right model are always successful and lucky, while people with the wrong model are blocked everywhere and fail again and again. The reason why a person forms a pattern is because he has a belief in his mind, which determines his direction of action and indirectly determines his state of life.

"The world is infinite unless you set limits for yourself!" Yes, the world is infinite. Can I only be a driver in my life? This lesson changed Xu Bin's whole life course. Many years later, Xu Bin told me that he was deeply shocked by the content of this class, especially the sentence that the world is infinite unless you set boundaries for yourself. He took this sentence as his motto and always reminded himself not to be limited by his own thinking.

A represents an activation event;

B refers to the belief of an individual after encountering an induced event, that is, his view, explanation and evaluation of this event;

C refers to the consideration of individual emotions and behaviors in specific situations.

Many people think that events trigger a person's emotions and behaviors, but ABC theory holds that events only stimulate our belief system and make it work. Because people have different views on different events, different emotions and behaviors will appear. This theory can also explain why some people show one behavior and others show another when facing the same thing. In fact, what really works is B, our belief.

Life is always difficult to be smooth sailing. In the face of difficulties, some people will try to solve them, even if the result is failure, it doesn't matter, but some people even flinch without thinking. In their beliefs, they don't feel that they can't succeed or that they are worthless, but that they are inferior to others in some aspects, and even if they don't try some extremely simple things, they conclude that they can't do it. Just like Xiaomei used to think that others could do sales, but she could not do it herself.

I once heard a joke that an old couple ate fish at night. The husband gave the fish head to his wife and ate the fish tail himself. The wife suddenly got angry and said to her husband, "I have lived with you for decades, and you have been giving me fish heads." What I like to eat is fishtail! " "The husband who is eating fishtail is stunned. After a long time, he said, "honey, I didn't know you liked fish tails."

Actually, my favorite food is fish head. "

This joke clearly illustrates a problem in the relationship between husband and wife-we think it is good for others, and others may not agree.

Many couples are not harmonious, and so is it. The wife worked hard at home to clean, wash and cook, but the husband didn't approve. My wife will feel wronged. After all I've done for this family, you don't recognize me. But my husband also has his own grievances-I don't need a nanny. What I need is a lover who can talk with me when I am lonely. What does it matter if the house is dirty and messy? Nobody cooks, so let's go to the restaurant.

Regarding how to save money for each other in marriage, Dr. GaryChapman, a famous American marriage and family expert, suggested that love has five languages. Everyone has his own definition of "love" and wants his lover to give him something different. If you know what your partner loves and then give him what he wants, you can really satisfy him.

The first language: affirmative words

The second language: the behavior of services

The third language: accepting gifts

The fourth language: high quality time

The fifth language: physical contact

Louise Hay said in the book Rebuilding Life that when we criticize ourselves, resent ourselves and feel guilty, we will create something called "disease". If we can't dissolve our hatred, it may even lead to serious diseases such as cancer. Therefore, emotional debt will not only destroy our psychology, but also destroy our bodies. On the contrary, if we can get rid of emotional debt and devote ourselves to what we like without pressure and burden, then our body and mind will be in a good state, and even cancer, a serious disease, may be alleviated or even cured.

Emotional banking is an inherent way for us to evaluate relationships, even in some animals. I have a puppy at home. I usually have to go to work, so I have less time to take care of it. My nanny is basically responsible for its life, so now the puppy is particularly close to the nanny, not so close to me. Even animals are spared, let alone people?

People who deposit their deposits in bank accounts will have more and more wealth and richer material life; People who can deposit money in the emotional bank can properly manage various relationships in life, interpersonal relationships will become more and more harmonious, and spiritual life will become more and more abundant. On the contrary, people who don't put money into the emotional bank may have a mess of relationships in their lives and then be lonely all their lives.

Psychological nutrition is an important element to nourish interpersonal relationships. When you realize that there is something wrong with interpersonal relationship, you can see what kind of communication level you are in and what kind of psychological nutrition you need. Psychological nutrition can directly nourish everyone's deep desire: to be loved, cared for, affirmed, appreciated, safe, free, connected and so on. If a child has never received unconditional acceptance, love, affirmation and attention from his parents during his growth, then his psychological nutrition must be lacking. People who lack psychological nutrition can hardly give others care, support and appreciation. Because they can't save money, there may be problems in their marriage and management. Just like Cheng Dong, he had two unhappy marriages, and the company couldn't keep its employees. Probably because he never got enough psychological nutrition when he was a child, it was difficult for him to nourish others.

Iceberg principle is a concept put forward by Satya. Ms. Satya compares the human "self" to a huge iceberg floating on the water, and the behavior or coping style that the outside world can see is only a small part exposed on the water. The bigger mountain under the water is the "inner" that has been suppressed for a long time and ignored by us. Uncover the secrets of the iceberg, and we will see our desires, expectations, opinions and feelings in life and our true selves.

Iceberg principle can crack the code of human behavior. When you are late for work, if the leader scolds you, maybe he expects you to come to the company early; When a customer complains that a product has many problems, maybe he is expecting the product to be improved. Similarly, if your partner accuses you, complains about you, or even quarrels with you, he may have an unmet need under such behavior. If you can see your partner's needs and meet them, there will be fewer quarrels. Many parents say that when children grow up, they don't know what their children are thinking more and more, especially after entering adolescence, many parents feel that their children are rebellious and don't know their children more and more. Are children really that hard to understand? In fact, if you can use the iceberg principle to understand children, you will find that children are not complicated, and what they desire is the same as yours.

The so-called "consistent expression" is a method put forward by American psychologist Ms. Satya. Good communication usually considers three factors-one's own feelings, others' feelings and situations. If we can pay attention to these three elements, communication will be smooth and emotional energy will flow, which will neither hurt ourselves nor each other, and at the same time, both sides will work together to solve the problem.

A person who only thinks about himself is single-dimensional. I call such people "low-dimensional" people. They are generally eager for quick success and instant benefit, only thinking about "themselves" and "immediate interests"

Benefit. "The dimension of life can be understood as a person's pattern or a person's realm.

NLP said that one choice has no choice, two choices are in a dilemma, and three choices are the beginning of choice. When you look at a thing from three positions, you really have a choice, and you have more flexibility. In a system, people with more flexibility will have more resources. At the same time, when you really have more choices, you will be free. Therefore, a multi-dimensional person with more resources and freedom can certainly achieve great things.

When we look at a thing, we always look at it from our own perspective, which will lead to one-sided results. If you interpret the whole thing according to your past life experience, you will even put too much emotion into it, but you will lose objectivity. As the saying goes, "the authorities are fascinated, and the onlookers are clear." If we can think from more angles when we look at a thing, we can look at it more stereoscopically. A person who can always look at a thing from multiple angles is a wise person, because wisdom comes from multiple angles.

Self-worth refers to the self's contribution to society in personal life and social activities, and then it is affirmed by society and others as human existence. At the beginning of life, self-worth is gradually established through parents' acceptance, affirmation, recognition, praise, praise and encouragement, and its core is self-esteem.

Truth ultimately serves the effect, and truth without effect is meaningless. People don't have to care too much about whether something conforms to a certain truth when it is effective. The effect itself is the most powerful proof of truth. When you master the premise that the effect is more important than the cause, your life will be more flexible.

Everything depends on people. All technologies are created by people. You may not know how to create technology for the time being, or what technology will appear in the future. However, humanity is the only thing you can grasp. If you know how to cooperate with others, then you can grasp your future.

There is a kind of running that is both motivation and fun, and that is running for love. There is a kind of person who never needs to prove his value, just like a tree, and does not need to struggle and grow to prove that he is a tree.

It's not what you have that makes you who you are, but what you become and what you achieve. In the first half of your life, you can run because of fear, because you have to work hard to survive; In the second half of your life, you can choose to awaken the power of love. Even if this power is not as powerful as fear, at least, you are happy in the process of moving forward.

The solidification of behavior is actually the solidification of internal beliefs. When we cling to our original beliefs, we will get used to doing the same behavior, making the same friends and living in the same circle. When there is only one view in our circle, the people we contact, the things we see and the angles of thinking are the same, so our world will stop here. Our faith has built a wall for our world and closed ourselves off.

The solidification of the circle in life now is actually the solidification of faith. Therefore, the breakthrough of the circle can start with the change of internal beliefs. The external presentation of faith is our habitual behavior.

From a psychological point of view, the growth of life has three stages:

The first stage is called "external seeking". I have been living in the material world, confused by the material illusion, and exhausted all my energy to pursue wealth, fame and desire until my body died.

The second stage is called "internal repair". I began to understand that all substances are used by people and gradually got rid of the control of some substances; Begin to return to the essence of life, and know how to spend time to repair and restore your body and mind.

The third stage is called "freedom". At this stage, I finally understand that all the people, things and things you meet are to complete the practice of this life, there is no good or bad, there is no right or wrong.

~ zay Group's Breakthrough in Circles: How to Break the Barriers of Life?