"My parents always hit me, should I retaliate?"

A reader sent me an email and asked in the first sentence, "My parents always hit me, should I retaliate?"

I was stunned for a moment, what is the problem? Are there any children who think about revenge against their parents all day long?

The reader said in the email that her family has been dissatisfied with her since she was a child, and she is extremely picky no matter what she does. Her mother always beats her, saying that she is not beautiful and cannot dress up, and her father is extremely strict in her studies. harsh.

She said angrily, this time because of the issue of choosing a job after graduation, my family insisted on letting me go to an economic and trade company, so I refused to go. I just didn’t want to follow their wishes. I would be happy if they made them angry. .

She especially doesn’t understand that shouldn’t all parents in the world love their children very much? Why do you come to me as if you are not your biological child?

There is a saying that parents are also human beings. Before they became parents, they had never taken an exam or obtained a job certificate.

In fact, parents who adopt this kind of percussive education are not special cases.

I have read a report before that a high school student in the south chose to commit suicide after taking the college entrance examination. He posted his last words on the Internet, mentioning his father's dissatisfaction with him.

When his father was in a bad mood, he would beat him, and he would be scolded even if he scored more than 90 points in the exam. He could not feel the love of his family at all, so he chose to leave this world.

A piece of particularly sad and bloody social news. Most of the comments I saw on the Internet were talking about the fragility of this child, saying that he did not understand his parents, and that the family was all for the best of the child. From under the stick comes a dutiful son, and so on.

But in fact, such parents are the indirect murderers of their children.

I have a junior high school classmate who always wears long-sleeved shirts every summer with all the buttons fastened very tightly. At that time, I laughed at him because he must be too thin and embarrassed to show his arms. .

Until one time he unbuttoned his sleeves and showed me, there were bruises on them, some of which had become scars, and some of which were still shocking. His classmates said that his father beat him with a belt. , because the test scores did not meet the requirements.

He said that my family usually doesn't care about me, but they require me to rank among the top fifteen in the class. If I fall behind, they will beat me with a belt. Now I don't dare to go home.

Now that I think of this past incident, even I, who is a bystander, can’t help but feel tight in my back.

To be honest, most Chinese parents don’t know how to educate their children correctly, especially those born in the 1980s. Although they have not experienced war, they have experienced catastrophes. After being killed and becoming parents, they are particularly strict with their children, hoping that the next generation will not repeat the same mistakes.

They regard their children as their trophies, or even as a tool to continue their own ideals. They let their children achieve what they have not been able to achieve. If they cannot, they will severely crack down.

Many parents will say that we have not received a good education, we have not gone to college, and this is what we have been doing for the rest of our lives. We are all counting on you, and our hopes are all on you.

My family also said this to me, and I was very stressed at the time.

What I don’t understand is, why should I bear the hopes of my family? Why do they need me to fulfill their unfulfilled long-cherished wish? Am I their child, or a means to their ambitions?

Some parents are not satisfied with their own children no matter how they look at them.

They don’t blame their own education methods. They don’t know if there is something wrong with their usual communication. If they are slightly unsatisfactory, they just blame the children for not living up to expectations, blaming the children for being disobedient, hitting and scolding at every turn, and speaking rudely.

My classmate once said that my father always said that I was as stupid as a pig, and he wished he could throw me off the stairs. He especially regretted giving birth to me, saying that I was too dead to hold up a wall. , saying that I am not afraid of boiling water.

He was particularly aggrieved. If he really regretted giving birth to me, then just throw me away and stop hitting me.

Here, I must explain a concept clearly to readers.

The percussion education itself is a fallacy. Education is benign and reliable. It guides and instills correct knowledge and three views in the right way. However, percussion itself is a kind of paranoia and is harmful to children. Physical and mental harm.

Therefore, there is no so-called percussive education at all. A strike is a strike. The strike may be for education, but more often it just vents the dissatisfaction of parents and their hatred for their children.

One of the biggest drawbacks of cracking down on education is that it creates a passive attitude towards life in children.

Constantly attacking children will gradually destroy their self-confidence, causing them to lose interest in learning, and even cause very serious psychological problems.

When the three views have not yet stabilized in a young age, parents use such extreme methods, which is particularly likely to cause unhealthy growth and development of children.

Parents often cannot think of these consequences.

Some parents will never understand what kind of impact their blow will have on their children.

Family ties need to be well maintained. Children who have been beaten since childhood cannot feel the warmth from their families. When they grow up, those past pains will turn into psychological shadows. All very nervous.

These children are often extremely introverted, have low self-esteem, and are unsmiling. They live in fear all day long, cannot stand being frightened, and have lost their happiness.

After entering society, children who have been beaten up in this way have formed a pleasing personality in the Enneagram. They do not know how to fight for their own rights and interests, do not dare to express their thoughts easily, and may even go to the extreme. Arrogance and other extremes such as depression.

Frankly speaking, such children are heartbreaking, and their parents are pitiful and hateful.

What is pitiful is that as parents, they may not have had a good family education environment since they were young. They believe in the principle that a daughter-in-law remains a mother-in-law, and place their hopes on their children. This includes the parents' own helplessness and Lost.

What is hateful is that parents do not understand that children are actually independent individuals. They have their own thoughts and judgments, and have things they want to accomplish. However, parents cannot help but deny them completely and force them repeatedly without any explanation. Be reasonable.

In the final analysis, such parents are very irresponsible.

Let’s think about another question: How many children grow up step by step according to their parents’ wishes.

Parents expect themselves to be good children and put away their naughty side. My parents wanted me to study science, so they gave up on liberal arts. My parents wanted me to study medicine, so they gave up my favorite Guomao. Whatever my parents wanted me to find, they went on a blind date according to their parents' standards.

Gradually, I completely lost myself, had nothing to do, felt empty inside, and became overly dependent on my parents. Even if I was dissatisfied, there was no solution at all, because they had lost their Ability to handle problems independently.

On the surface, crackdowns or one-stop education are caused by dissatisfaction with children and the various imposed arrangements on them, but in fact there are deep-seated problems.

That is, they have created a very absurd world for their children, allowing them to accept it since childhood and never resist in their hearts. The ultimate consequence is to crush them.

Just like the readers who sent me emails, thinking about revenge on their parents, just like the children who committed suicide in the social news, using their own death to make their parents regret, just like my junior high school classmates, in the end they completely I gave up studying and focused on confronting my parents.

Every time after these results, some parents never know to reflect on their own problems, and they still say that their children are disobedient and disobedient, and they get even worse.

In the end, it is an endless loop that cannot be solved.

I once wrote an article, but I did not publish it because I always felt that I spoke too much about some parents. The title of that article was "There is no understanding between us and our parents, only understanding." 》.

But now I feel that it is difficult to reach an understanding with parents. More often than not, there is rarely effective communication between parents and children, let alone complete understanding. and concessions.

In an interview with "The Reader", Dong Qing said that when she was a child, her father was extremely strict with her, almost inhumane, requiring her to do housework, work-study, etc., which led Dong Qing to doubt whether she was her biological child. of.

Many public accounts used this example to argue that it was Dong Qing's father's example and strict requirements that made Dong Qing what she is today, saying that she now understands her father.

But I don’t think so. In the interview, you can still see the obvious look of disappointment in her eyes when she mentioned her father. She actually forgave her father, but didn’t really understand him.

Moreover, Dong Qing’s father was only strict, not the blow we are talking about today.

What determines a child’s life is not the grades required by his family, nor the so-called successful status, but a sound personality and good cultivation. The formation of this kind of values ????is often influenced by the family environment. is the most important.

You can imagine what kind of children can be cultivated by parents who do not understand education at all and a family environment that is always punishing.

Such parents have lost their sense of proportion and boundaries, turning the so-called strictness of family education into a way to vent their inner dissatisfaction and emotions, using their children as a punching bag, in which the parents' personality flaws are clearly exposed. .

In the end, when these children grow up, the pain they once suffered from being beaten by their families becomes their most unspeakable secret, the most vulnerable part of their hearts, and even becomes the thunder of self-protection. area that no one can touch.

As for the initial retaliation raised by readers, I replied to the email and said, you have to think clearly that when you grow up, you actually have the ability to break away from the control of your parents, and even go far away to do what you want. Don't delay your future just to understand your hatred.

You must think about yourself and be responsible. This is what everyone should think about most. Set up your own defense lines, clarify your position, and don't let anyone hurt you again.

The pain has been caused. You can hide it and face it, but don’t expose it and feel it over and over again. That will only make you go to paranoia and extremes and become your next parent.

Finally, I confess that as a child, you should not expect to change your parents by yourself, especially such an extremely self-centered adult. This is actually very difficult.

Such self-centered or even selfish parents will interpret your desire to communicate as your wings becoming stiff and disobedient, which may have counter-effects.

The only thing you can do is to make yourself stronger.

Either stay away or understand.