Complete works of humorous stories

Complete works of celebrity humorous stories

★ No talent "insists on high prices.

Strafensky (1882-1971) is an American composer who was born in Russia, and has created a lot of music works that are well known to Americans in his life. Once, a filmmaker offered 4000 yuan to invite Strafensky to make music for a Hollywood movie, but he refused it face to face on the grounds that he had too little money.

The producer argued that another composer also provided music for a new film at the same price.

The composer argued, "He is very talented! I have no talent and it will be much more difficult to do it. "

★ the cause of old age

Malcolm Sargent (1895- 1967) is an American music conductor and organist. He made great efforts for the revival of classical music in the hearts of young listeners.

On his 70th birthday, an interviewer asked him, "What should you owe him if you live to be 70?"

"Well," said the conductor after thinking, "I think it must be because I have never died."

★ One person buys two tickets.

On one occasion, when American pianist Bauchi played in Flint, Michigan, he found that the audience was very small, less than half. He felt very disappointed from the heart.

At this moment, he calmly walked to the stage and said to the audience, "You Flint people must be very rich. I see that each of you has bought tickets for two seats. How rich you are! "

The audience cheered as soon as the words stopped.

★ magical telepathy

In order to concentrate and feel the subtle realm of music, contemporary famous conductor karajan and violinist Jules Stein have the habit of closing their eyes when conducting and playing.

The two talented musicians cooperated so well that people even thought that the conductor and the chief violinist had almost magical telepathy. Their first performance together was in Lucerne, Switzerland. The performance touched countless audiences.

Later, when people asked Jules Stein why he closed his eyes, he said, "We'd better not see each other. This can't be wrong. Music doesn't need eyes, but we need empathy. I only opened my eyes once in the whole performance and saw that karajan was conducting with his eyes closed. I quickly closed my eyes again, for fear of ruining the whole atmosphere. "

★ Jesus blushed.

Raphael (1483-1520), a famous painter in the heyday of the Italian Renaissance, once painted murals in the Vatican Pope's palace. He devoted a lot of effort to this work and showed great piety. He carefully outlined each line according to his own understanding and imagination of the Bible. Through his hands, religious figures are vividly presented on the wall.

One day, two cardinals suddenly became interested in watching Raphael's paintings. Raphael was standing on the bracket at that time, and his sore arm struggled to wave the brush. The cardinal looked at it for a while, and then half-jokingly criticized Raphael, saying that he painted the faces of Jesus and St. Paul on the mural too red.

The speaker has no intention, but the listener has intention. Raphael stopped his brush, turned his back on the Bishop and replied in a very low voice, "Sir, I painted it on purpose, because the Lord felt a little ashamed to see the church under the jurisdiction of you people in heaven."

★ bomb the statue with nuclear weapons

Italian Renaissance sculptor Donatello (1384-1466) is famous for his sculptures of Florence's San Michele and the bronze statue of David. Venetian gentlemen entrusted him to build a statue of a horse for the mercenary captain Danal, and urged him to finish it as soon as possible. Donatello was very angry about this. He picked up a hammer and smashed it on the head of the statue that was about to take shape. Gentlemen hit him on the head with hammers, trying to get back at him in the same way. Donatello was not afraid. He said, "I can reshape Gadamerta's head. As long as you can reshape my head, I am willing to let you smash it. "

★ Realism and distortion

A guest who visited the British portrait painter Sir Godfrey Kneller (1646― 1723) commented on a full-length portrait of Mrs Naylor, saying that some claw marks at the bottom of the portrait greatly damaged the effect of the portrait. Naylor told the guests that it was because of his wife's little bulldog, which often scratched Mrs. Naylor's skirt with its claws, hoping that its owner could catch it. This reminds the guests of the story of Zoxasis: Zoxasis once painted many grapes on the head of a little boy's portrait. The grapes were lifelike and birds came to peck at them. Naylor denigrated this legend: "If children paint as lifelike as grapes, birds will not dare to peck grapes."

★ Ask for remuneration.

On one occasion, the British painter and sculptor william hogarth (1697- 1764) was appointed as an ugly portrait of a nobleman. His frank and realistic style made the nobles very dissatisfied and refused to pay. Huo Jiasi argued, but in vain.

Because of lack of money, Huo Jiasi finally wrote a letter to the customer. The letter said that there was a person who specially exhibited wild animals, deformed people and monsters. He is very interested in this portrait and is willing to pay a high price. If he doesn't receive the money within three days, he intends to re-polish the portrait, add organs such as the tail and sell it to the man for exhibition.

After receiving this letter, the aristocrat immediately paid the full amount and took the portrait home to burn.

★ Adam and Eve

William blake (1757― 1827), a great British printmaker and poet, wrote a lot of illustrations of steel plates and many high-level poems in his life. Although it was not valued before death, its value cannot be underestimated. Like many artists, he is almost obsessed with the art world, often addicted to it and forgets the reality.

Once, Blake and his wife Catherine imitated the scene described in Milton's Paradise Lost and sat naked in their garden, reciting the poems in Paradise Lost.

Just then, a guest visited, and Blake shouted to the guest without embarrassment, "Come in! There are only Adam and Eve here. "

★ Where is the design?

Paris advertising company wants to recruit art designers, and requires the candidates to send three recent works: 1 sketch, 1 sketch, 1 pattern design.

A few days later, the company received an application from the great sculptor Rodin (1840- 19 17), but there were only 1 sketch and 1 sketch in it. How can there be a pattern missing? Everyone wants to know.

Just then, someone found a note in the envelope, which said, "My design is a forged stamp on the envelope."

★ Try it upside down.

One day, a beginner of painting visited the famous German painter Adolphi menzel and complained to him, "I really don't understand why it takes me only one day to draw a painting, but it takes me a whole year to sell it?"

Adolphe menzel said, "Dear, please try it backwards. If you can spend a year painting it, it only takes one day to sell it. "

★ Lady and Goose

Manser is short and ugly. He will fly into a rage when he finds someone laughing at him.

Once, Menser was sitting in a restaurant when three foreigners, a lady and two gentlemen, came in and sat at a nearby table. The painter looked up and found that the lady was whispering to two companions, and then the three men looked at the painter and giggled.

Manser's face flushed, but he said nothing. Instead, I took out my sketchbook and began to draw seriously. He looked at the lady's eyes from time to time while painting, which made her a little flustered. She feels uncomfortable because the weirdo next door who she just laughed at is drawing her.

Menser didn't let her eyes bother him, and continued to draw his paintings coldly. Suddenly, one of them came up to him and said, "Sir, I don't allow you to draw this lady."

"Oh, where is this lady?" Menser said with a clear conscience and handed him the sketch book. I saw that the gentleman apologized and went back to his companion. It turned out that Menser drew a fat goose with a high voice.

That man doesn't seem to know that "goose" can be used as a curse in German, which means "stupid woman".

I don't know where I went.

Goya,/kloc-an outstanding Spanish painter in the 0/8th century, detests evil as hatred, and has a clear distinction between love and hate.

Once, King Charles IV called Goya and said to him, "You are the best painter in our country, and only you deserve the portrait of the royal nobility. I called you here today to draw a picture of my family for me, and I will reward you. " Goya thought about it and agreed.

After this portrait of the king's family was painted, Goya specially gave it to the king. The king was surprised when he saw it, because many people in his family 14 had no hands-Goya only painted six hands in the portrait.

The king asked him angrily, "Where are these people's hands?"

Goya said, "I don't know where I went!" " "

The king insisted that he add more, but he refused, because he thought that his grandchildren were all freeloaders and had no hands.

★ The hand that does bad things

Once, a doctor who loves collecting art asked Goya for a portrait. The doctor is a hypocrite, seemingly hypocritical, but actually cruel. He murdered a friend in order to win a beautiful wife. Goya knew all the details, but he still drew a doctor's picture quietly.

The doctor jumped with joy when he saw it. He said to Goya, "I know it's hard for you to draw hands for others." I'm really honored, this time you pulled out my hands! " I will give you a large reward. "

Goya sneered, "Do you know why I want to draw your two hands?" ! I want people to see that you are a murderer, and your hands have done extremely despicable and vicious things. "

The doctor carefully looked at his hand painted on the painting, and sure enough, there was faint blood, and his face was black and blue with anger.

★ Really.

P Picasso (188 1- 1973), a Spanish master of painting, painted many works with blue and reddish tones in his early years, and later developed cubism in cooperation with georges braque, which is one of the most influential modern painting arts. Later, he mainly engaged in realistic figure painting.

Once, in Paris, he talked with an American soldier about painting. The soldier told Picasso frankly that he didn't like modern paintings because they were untrue. Picasso didn't say anything after listening.

A few minutes later, the soldier showed Picasso a picture of his girlfriend.

Picasso took it in his hand and pretended to be surprised and said, "My God, is she so small?"

★ Zuo Jie

Picasso opposed the war of aggression and maintained world peace all his life. During World War II, German generals and soldiers often visited the Picasso Museum in Paris. These uninvited guests were given a cold shoulder. Once, at the exit of the art gallery, Picasso gave each German soldier a famous painting "guernica", which depicts the horror of the Spanish city of guernica after being bombed by German planes.

A German Gestapo leader pointed to this painting and asked Picasso, "Is this your masterpiece?"

"No," Picasso said seriously, "this is your masterpiece!"

★ Can't afford to buy your own paintings

Picasso's paintings have been recognized by the world. During his lifetime, his paintings were bought by collectors at high prices. The high price makes ordinary people daunting, and even the author can't afford it.

One day, when some friends came to visit Picasso's house in the south of France, they found that the walls were all other people's works, but none of them were their own.

"Why, Pablo?" Someone asked, "You don't like your paintings?" "No, on the contrary," said the painter, "I like it very much, but it's too expensive for me to buy."

★ Also draw an impostor.

After Picasso became famous, more and more people imitated his paintings, and it was difficult to distinguish between true and false for a while.

One day, a businessman who specializes in selling artworks saw Picasso's mural Harmony, and he was very puzzled by the painting. In order to fully understand Picasso's painting style and avoid being fooled, he brought a painting with Picasso's name to consult Picasso.

The businessman asked Picasso directly, "Why is it in your mural harmony?"

In Chinese, fish is in a birdcage and birds are in a fish tank. "

Picasso replied without thinking: "Everything is possible in harmony."

At this time, the merchant took out the painting and wanted to confirm whether it was Picasso's original. Picasso glanced at the painting and said contemptuously, "Fake!"

Through this meeting, the businessman seemed to understand the mystery of Picasso's painting, so soon after, the businessman excitedly took a Picasso painting to see Picasso and asked him if it was true or not. Picasso replied without looking: "Fake!"

"But, sir," cried the merchant anxiously, "not long ago, you drew this picture with your own hands, and I was there!" Picasso smiled, shrugged and said, "I sometimes draw impostors myself."

★ Music that cannot be played

The Austrian composer Mozart (1756 ――1791) was a student of Haydn. Once he bet his teacher that he could write a song, but the teacher couldn't play it.

Haydn naturally didn't believe it. It took Mozart less than five minutes to write a draft of music in a hurry and send it to Haydn.

"What is this?" Haydn exclaimed after playing for a while. "When I play with my hands at both ends of the piano, how can a note suddenly appear in the keyboard?" This is a piece of music that no one can play. "Mozart smiled and sat down in front of the piano. When he plays the note, he bends down and plays with his nose.

★ Young people ask for advice

A teenager asked Mozart how to write a symphony.

Mozart replied, "You are too young to write a symphony. Why not start by writing folk songs? " The teenager retorted, "But you were only 10 years old when you started writing symphonies?"

"Yes," Mozart replied, "but I didn't ask anyone how to write a symphony at that time."

★ Wear glasses to sleep.

Mozart always wears glasses when he sleeps every night.

Someone asked him, "Why do you wear glasses when you sleep?"

He replied, "I often think of some melodies in my dreams. If I don't wear glasses, I can't read any notes clearly, and I will naturally forget when I wake up. "

★ A bust of Beethoven

A pianist said to composer Reg, "My performance has improved step by step recently, which enables me to buy a new piano. I want to put another bust of a musician on the piano. Do you think it is better to buy Mozart or Beethoven? "

Reg didn't recognize the pianist's talent and immediately replied, "I think I'd better buy Beethoven's!" " He is deaf! "

★ Give people hair

Once, the famous Austrian composer johann strauss (1825- 1899) performed in the United States, which caused a great sensation.

He is very tall and looks extraordinary, especially his long curved hair, which is very eye-catching. An American woman managed to get a bunch of Strauss's long hair and kept it as a treasure. After the news spread, people asked him for his hair as a souvenir, which became Strauss's "hair fever" for a while. The kind Strauss met their demands one by one. So someone is worried about him. When Strauss left America, many people came to see him off. At this moment, I saw him waving his hat to say goodbye to people. People saw that his long curly hair was still growing well on his head, but a long-haired dog he brought with him when he came to America became a short-haired dog.

★ Wonderful suggestion

A newspaper in Naples published an open letter from Italian opera composer Rossini (1792― 1868) answering a question from a gentleman.

The gentleman's letter is: "I have a nephew who is a musician." He doesn't know how to write an overture for his opera. You wrote so many overtures to the opera. Can you give me some advice? "

Rossini made seven suggestions in his letter, one of which was: "... when I wrote the overture to Othello, I was locked in a hotel cabin in Naples by the theater owner." There is a big bowl of boiled noodles in the room, not even a green vegetable. The bald and heartless boss threatened:' If you don't finish the last note of the overture, you won't get out alive. Let your nephew try this method, and don't let him taste the charming fragrance of foie gras pie ...' "

★ The other one is good

A very confident young man came to Rossini with two big music books. "The conductor promised to play one of my two symphonies. I want you to hear which one is good. " The young man sat at the piano and played for Rossini. After listening to a few bars, Rossini couldn't stand it anymore, so he went over and closed the music, patted the young man on the shoulder and said, "Young man, stop playing. I think it would be better to have another one! "

★ Take off your hat and put it on.

A young Italian composer once invited Rossini to listen to his new works. Rossini took off his hat, put it on several times in a row, put it on and took it off.

After the young composer finished playing, he asked him why he took off his hat and put it on like this.

Rossini replied, "I have a habit of taking off my hat whenever I meet an old acquaintance."

★ Musicians and coachmen

Italian musician Paganini (1782- 1840) rented a carriage to perform in the theater. He is going to be late. He told the driver to hurry up.

"How much do I owe you?" Pug asked.

"10 franc."

"Are you kidding?"

"I don't think so. Today people go to listen to you play the piano with strings (referring to Paganini playing some difficult music with G strings), but you charge 10 francs per song! "

"All right," Pug said, "I'll pay you 10 francs, but you have to take me to the theater on wheels."

★ Violin does not drink tea.

A lady invited Paganini to her house for tea the next day. Paganini accepted the invitation.

This lady is very happy. When saying goodbye, she smiled and added to Paganini: "Dear artist, please don't forget to bring your violin when you come tomorrow!" "Why is this?" Paganini pretended to be surprised and said, "Madam, you know my violin never drinks tea."