Seek classic jokes, the more the better.

& lt***6 photos > Toad saw a turtle bathing in the river. Tortoise: Haven't you seen a beautiful woman like me? Look, your eyes are popping out. Toad: Sister, don't tease me. Can't you see I have goose bumps? 2. The oriole saw the weasel looking for food and said, "You thief have been sneaking around all day, losing the face of the old Huang family." As soon as the voice fell, the oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded, "Silly X, you don't even know how to sweep pornography now!" " Dragonfly made a girlfriend "cicada". Mother dragonfly asked anxiously: what is her job ... The tortoise was bathing in the river and was seen by the toad. Tortoise: Haven't you seen a beautiful woman like me? Look, your eyes are popping out. Toad: Sister, don't tease me. Can't you see I have goose bumps? 2. The oriole saw the weasel looking for food and said, "You thief have been sneaking around all day, losing the face of the old Huang family." As soon as the voice fell, the oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded, "Silly X, you don't even know how to sweep pornography now!" " Dragonfly made a girlfriend "cicada". Mother dragonfly asked anxiously, what does she do? Dragonfly: That's a singer! Mother Dragonfly: Singer? I've dug tunnels before! 4. An ant quarreled with the crow in the tree! Ant: Come down if you dare! Crow: Come up if you have the guts! Ant: OK! You wait for me, and you will know! Crow: What do you want? Ant: I'll let all my brothers shake you down and kill you immediately! 5. Two dung beetles discuss the welfare lottery. A dung beetles: If I win the grand prize, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B dung beetles: You are so vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day! 6. The male butterfly sings to the female butterfly, "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" " After singing, I flew to pick roses. Then there was a scream, and Mother Butterfly sang, "Honey, fly slowly, be careful of the thorny rose in front!" " "7. A pair of ducks went to play by the river and saw the frog couple hibernating in the cave on the bank of the river. Drake: Look, how happy I am. Mother duck said to the drake: Don't look, it's the big boss, living in a villa, honeymoon, let's never think about it in this life! 8. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home. The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home. On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit, If you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will kill you! First, the most "warm" thing is that a woman and her lover are lying in bed and suddenly hear the voice of her husband opening the door and entering the room. "quick! Stand still in that corner! "The woman quickly put baby oil on his whole body, then sprinkled lime powder and told him softly," Stand still and pretend to be a plaster statue. When her husband came into the room, he pointed to something in the corner and said, "What's that?" "The woman said quietly," oh! It's just a plaster cast. There is one in Cai's bedroom, too. I think it's beautiful, so I also got a home decoration. "The couple didn't mention the plaster statue until they went to bed. At about two o'clock in the morning, the husband got up and went to the kitchen to eat. When he returned to his room, he handed plaster like a sandwich, holding a glass of milk in his hand, and said, "Come, have something to eat!"! Don't be like me. I stood in Cai's house for three days and didn't even drink a mouthful of water. "Second, the most" funny "derailed couples have lovers outside, often go out to find excitement by themselves and rarely spend the night together. One day, both of them were at home, feeling a little guilty, so they were gentle. I don't want the two of them to sleep until the early hours of the morning. My wife suddenly turned over and sat up, and said loudly in her dream, "Oh, no, my husband is back!" " "My husband got up at once, quickly picked up all the clothes and jumped out of the window ... Sixth, the most" puzzling "thing was a seaside village where most men often went to sea for a long time. Almost everyone in the village has an affair, but after the affair, they will go to the priest to confess. After a while, the priest suggested to the women: "In the future, we will call the word infidelity depravity. Just say [fall] and I will know! " Later, the old priest retired. Before he left, he specifically told the village chief to tell the new priest the meaning of the word "depravity", but after the new priest took office, the village chief forgot to tell the new priest about it. Women still go to the priest to confess, and every day someone tells the priest that I fell down today. Because too many people fell, the priest went to the village head. He suggested that the village head should strengthen road construction to prevent too many people from falling down frequently. Unexpectedly, the village chief smiled. Father unknown so, seeing the village chief laughing so happily, said angrily, "What are you laughing at! The village chief's wife has fallen three times this week! " Eight, the most "unexpected" affair Once upon a time there was a middle-aged couple who had two very beautiful daughters, but they always wanted a son. They finally decided to make one last attempt. After months of hard work, God was rewarded. My wife was pregnant and gave birth to a healthy little boy nine months later. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his newborn son, but he was frightened by what he saw. His son is the ugliest baby he has ever seen. He ran to see his wife and told her that he could never be the father of the child, and asked her fiercely, "Are you stealing a man behind my back?" His wife smiled sweetly at him and said, "Not this time." Nine, the most "tragic" affair Lao Zheng was lying in bed dying, and his wife Xiao Chan was sitting on the bed, holding his hand, tears streaming down her face and mumbling prayers. Lao Zheng opened his weak eyes and looked at Xiao Chan. He opened his pale lips and said softly, "Dear Xiao Chan, …" Xiao Chan covered her mouth and said, "You are tired! Sleep quietly, be good, don't talk! " Lao Zheng said weakly, "But I have something to confess to you!" "There is nothing to say! You are tired, you'd better have a good sleep! " Shaw war sobbed and said. "no! Don't! Don't! I must repent, and I will die peacefully. I slept with your sister, your best friend, your best friend's friend. " Xiao Zhan sobbed softly: "I know, that's why I want to poison you!" " "Ten, the most' straight' affair Two women were drinking in the suburbs until dawn. On the way back, they were impatient, so they crustily skin of head and walked into a cemetery on the side of the road. Because she didn't bring any toilet paper, the first woman took off her underwear, wiped it and threw it away. The second woman found a wreath beside her, so she tore off the couplets and wiped them. Shortly after the two women came home, their husbands exchanged phones. " Looks like we have to be careful. They must have something last night. When I came back, I found my wife was not wearing underwear! ""I'm worse. I found a note on my wife's ass that said,' I will never forget you'! "Mr. Zhang, graduated from the police academy and has been married for two years. He always thinks that his wife is a little different and suspects that she is having an affair. One day, Mr. Zhang will always find a message from a stranger on his wife's mobile phone. The content of each message is the same: "Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me. " ! At eleven o'clock in the evening, Mr. Zhang caught the cheating wife and the man who was having sex. Mr. Zhang cursed: You underestimate me. Do you think I don't understand that information? 10: 30 I'll help you take off your bra. The tortoise wants to eat zongzi on the Dragon Boat Festival, so the snail can buy zongzi. Two hours have passed, and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise is in a hurry and scolds: I will starve to death if I don't fucking come back! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking said I wouldn't go! One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right! Seven years after graduation, I finally accepted a big project to build a 30-meter chimney, with a construction period of two months and a cost of 300 thousand, but it needed funds. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and they were scolded to death, and they still had no money. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig wells! The doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two! 9. Someone raised a pig, annoyed him and abandoned it. However, the pig knows the way home, and it is useless to abandon it. One day, he drove a lot of cars and abandoned the pig. He called home late at night and asked, "Is the pig coming back?" Answer: "I have come back!" " It growled, "put it on the phone, I'm lost!" "10. Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and their nesting ants climbed onto the elephant. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it". 1 1. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? 13. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child? Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" ... "15. A person just learned a foreign language and accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot that day. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too. Hearing this, the man quickly said: The man said helplessly: I'm sorry. 17. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been abnormal recently. How to return to normal by eating cucumber, pulling cucumber and eating watermelon? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit. 18. Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it. "When the man went again in January, the street where he lost money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help sighing that "Shanghai is the truth. "19. One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly, so he got up and straightened his front legs, and the rabbit next to him was busy. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him. "20. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! Father earthworm said weakly. ... suddenly want to play football 2 1. The tortoise and the hare raced ... the hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, "Come on up, I'll carry you ... Then the snail came up ... After a while, the tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him," You too. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast ... 22. One day, a family caught fire and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ I'm on fire, and I'm still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... 23. A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, and he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ so he had to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was very angry and took out 10. Buy it yourself! ! ! 24. My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but I forgot to bring my handkerchief and I have been sniffing hard. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "25. The patient said to the dentist," You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn three dollars. The doctor replied, "I can pull it out in slow motion if you like." "26." Narcissism "means that I must be reborn as a woman in my next life and then marry a man like me; Despair "means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one:" Is there anything worse in the world? ! Eat the second shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money. 27. The Weaver Girl came down to the world to take a bath and got to know the Cowherd, and performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we must go outside to take a bath ... 28. Xiaoming went back to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet. "The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming:" What did ants say? " Xiaoming looked blank ... and said, "Ants ... didn't say anything ..." 29. A person always farts at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but say, "Can you keep quiet? "Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! !" 30. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit.