"I'll count to three, you, I will", have you ever said such a thing?

Yesterday, I was playing on the playground with my children when suddenly I heard my mother shout:

"Hey, let's go home!" No children responded to her. "I'll count to three, and I'll leave if you don't come."

"3 ...2... 1 ..." At this moment, a little girl came out of the children's pile and ran towards her.

"What time is it? Turn off the TV and do your homework! " The child didn't turn on the TV.

"I count to three, if you don't pass, don't blame me you're welcome! 1……2……"

Count to 123, enlarge if you are obedient, and enlarge if you are disobedient. Is this scene familiar?

In the face of uncooperative or procrastinating children, is "I count to three" also a common speaking skill?

It's just that we are familiar with the method of making children obey, because we got the "true biography" of our parents from an early age-123+to enlarge the number of tricks.

This method is very powerful and threatening, so many parents think it works. But is this method really good?

Do you still have a little hair in your heart when you hear 123?

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Behind the threat of parenting

It is an emotional abandonment of children.

Some time ago, I was shocked by a news that my mother threw her daughter into the trash can twice.

A girl came home from school and wanted her mother to buy her ice cream.

At that time, my mother was busy cooking, so she patiently explained to her and promised to "take you when the meal is ready."

The girl persisted, clamoring for ice cream and rolling on the ground.

Mother's anger suddenly came up.

Pick up your daughter and go out. While yelling, "Why are you so disobedient?" I threw her in the trash can.

After more than 20 minutes, passers-by took the child out, and the mother threw the child into the trash can again until passers-by threatened to call the police.

At this time, the child was covered with flies and cockroaches, which was very disgusting.

Afterwards, some netizens pointed out sharply:

This is not education, but a double insult to children's body and spirit.

Yes, maybe it's just that the mother has repeatedly threatened her children and put them into action for the only time, but I'm afraid it will become a shadow that girls will never erase.

"Threatening" is the most useless way of education, but many parents have been trying.

As mentioned in Unconditional Parenting, this practice of parents is called "withdrawing love": it is an emotional abandonment and a colder punishment than corporal punishment.

Especially if parents say, "If you don't listen, I don't want you", this is "killing" the child's sense of security and will make the child feel anxious.

Let the children have a psychological burden: as long as I am obedient, my parents will not leave me.

Children who become obedient after being threatened are forced to compromise only because of "fear" and "fear of being abandoned", rather than really wanting to do it.

There is a small survey in Weibo: What happened to the children who were scared to grow up?

The results show that 78% people said they were intimidated by their parents when they were growing up, and 39% of them left a psychological shadow.

02

How to make "count to 3" work effectively?

Caner Sen said in "Positive Discipline":

A person's long-term behavior is fundamentally rooted in inner recognition, not external pressure, such as threats.

Many parents have become entangled because they have read many parenting books and expert opinions: subconsciously hope that their children will obey; Intellectually, I hope children can be self-disciplined and independent.

So how do we coordinate this relationship? How to cultivate children's "self-discipline", that is, autonomy, independent thinking ability, and even internal drive?

I saw such a story on the Internet:

In the example, the numbers 1, 2, 3 are giving children a buffer opportunity to do the right thing, which is to cultivate personality autonomy.

After reading the above story, I have a deeper understanding of "heuristic questioning" in "active discipline"-it not only means asking questions with curiosity, but more importantly, believing that children know how to do better for themselves.

As we all know, the internal motivation comes from interest and confidence, but it also needs the assistance of self-management ability, which can bear the pressure for what you want to do, face difficulties directly and find new solutions.

To cultivate children's autonomy, there are five points to make good use of "1, 2,3":

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Understand the child's mind

We should listen to children's thoughts patiently with a curious spirit, and don't judge right or wrong directly.

02

Guide children to reflect.

After thinking clearly, we should help children to reflect and reevaluate their choices and behaviors.

This process can use leading questions, such as "what do you think is the benefit of doing this?" "What do you think is wrong with this?" Help children understand events.

03

Make positive suggestions

Brainstorm, invite your child to rethink and come up with a better solution with him.

Pay more attention to the ideas put forward by children. If parents have to advise, avoid using words like "you should" and "you must".

04

Give the children time.

Counting to three is not eager to expect your child to tell you the answer you want, but a little magic.

You can't choose your past life again, but after three times, you can make a new choice and decision for the future in the present.

If there is no result at the moment, it means that the child's thinking has not been clarified, or parents have not been able to listen to and understand the child's voice.

Parents can give their children enough trust and time to form this new thinking network and make better choices through self-cognition.

05

Encourage children to be independent.

Finally, don't forget to encourage your children-you have the ability to make the right choice, so mom and dad give you back the right to choose the right thing to do, and I believe you will do better.

At this point, the choice was completely returned to the child.

Of course, children are children and need to make progress through trial and error. We accept this process and repeat the above steps, which will cultivate a self-disciplined child.

"1, 2, 3 ..." I hope that our next generation will not stand up when they hear these three seconds, but will happily meet more possibilities.