Listen to the summary of teacher Fan Deng's positive discipline.

The most important goal of cultivating a child is to cultivate seven kinds of perceptual abilities and skills that a person must have in this life:

? 1, the perception of personal ability is that I can do it, and I have my ability.

I realize my value in important relationships, that is, my contribution is valuable and everyone needs me.

3. Perception of my power or influence in life, that is, I can influence what happens to me.

4. I have a strong self-examination ability, that is, I have the ability to understand my personal ability and use this understanding to achieve self-discipline and self-control.

5. Strong interpersonal skills, that is, being good at cooperating with others and establishing friendship on the basis of communication, cooperation, consultation, sharing, affection and listening.

6, the overall grasp ability is very strong, that is, with a sense of responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity attitude towards all kinds of restrictions and behavioral consequences in daily life.

7. Strong judgment, that is, using wisdom to evaluate the situation according to appropriate values.

These seven aspects will lay a solid foundation for a child's life. Usually, the interaction between parents and children can be roughly divided into three ways:

? 1, severe type This rebellious method brought by severe punishment has four manifestations, which are called four R:

1) I hate you for bullying me.

2) Revenge If you don't let me make trouble, I will try to make things worse under other circumstances. If you don't give me face, I won't give you face today

3) rebellion. He will do more.

4) retreat. I won't do it in front of you. I'm quiet.

? In addition, strict methods will also bring children a lack of responsibility and poor self-discipline. A person's self-discipline comes from his self-esteem, and this strict way will greatly reduce his self-esteem. The lower the level of self-esteem, the less self-discipline.

? 2. Arrogant parents have no choice but to let him.

? 1) will make the child have no self-confidence. He doesn't know his own boundaries, which will make him feel lack of care from his parents.

3. The core of positive discipline is kindness and firmness

What is the basis for judging whether an educational method is effective? Four bases:

1) Whether he is kind and firm. That is, let children feel unconditional love but have clear boundaries, so that children feel safe.

2) Does he bring children a sense of belonging and value? The most important thing for psychological research in childhood is to pursue two things: a sense of belonging and a sense of value, that is, knowing that someone loves me, my parents love me unconditionally, knowing that I am special and feeling valuable.

3) Whether this parenting method is effective for a long time. Short-term effect but long-term negative effect.

4) Valuable social and life skills and good moral quality. Through qualified education, he can pass on valuable social and life skills and good moral quality.

? Conforming to the above four characteristics is an effective way of education. How can we be kind and firm?

? Case: The child talks back to his parents, and then he is particularly fierce. Parents insist on not letting their children do one thing, and the children are angry.

Kind and firm performance: My parents turned around and left first, because I don't ask you to learn to respect me, but at least ask me to respect myself. I don't feel the respect of my children now, so I need to calm down. Parents turn away first, and children will feel that their parents are not angry and leave. After a while, the parents adjusted their mentality and came back and said, "Baby, I'm sorry, you were so angry just now. I respect your feelings, but I don't accept your behavior just now. In the future, whenever you don't respect me, I will walk away for a while, set the boundaries, tell my children that I am not angry but don't accept your practice, and then say, but I love you and I am willing to be with you. So when you think you can respect me, you tell me that I will be happy to work with you to find a way to deal with your anger, and then we can concentrate on finding a solution to your anger. " Calm communication, when angry, is the most unsuitable time to solve problems. Before dealing with a problem, let yourself calm down. Only by thinking with a rational brain can you solve the problem. This is also what we should teach. And when determining the rules, children must be involved.

Kindness and firmness need learning tools:

1) self-esteem

It is very important for parents to affirm their children's self-esteem, but many parents affirm that their children use the perspective of their elders. For example, the baby is doing well and the father is happy, which is right. Are you all right, son? If these words are not to help children improve their self-esteem, they will make children feel attached to adults, and real self-esteem can make children realize their sense of value. For example, you can help me do this today. I am grateful, because all you do is care, and I can feel your love for my father. This is a way to arouse children's sense of value and feelings about their behavior, and it is very important to teach them to respect themselves.

2) Win

Did we win the baby or won the baby? Many things parents do are to win their children. For example, children do their homework according to your requirements and rhythm, so when they grow up, they have to decide who to marry, whether to work or not, and whether to go abroad. If you are used to being a winner, your children are used to being a loser. Winning is to let children know that their parents have a loving relationship with them, and then they can ask their parents about everything and respect their opinions. The most effective way to win children is to listen attentively. When children show wrong habits, if parents say that dad made such mistakes when he was a child, and dad once broke things, don't draw a line with children. Parents are their guardians, and they should take responsibility together to turn their children's mistakes into * *.

3) apologize

? In education, parents and children should learn to apologize in three steps:

Admit-I just made a mistake.

? Reconciliation)-I hope to get your forgiveness.

C.resolve)-Is there any way to solve this problem?

4) Teach children social values

If you really try to do something for others, you will be very happy, advocate doing more good deeds and cultivate children's sense of social value.

5) Confidence

? Without self-confidence, children can't feel a sense of belonging and value, and behave inappropriately.

? If children don't get enough sense of belonging and value from childhood, what deviant behaviors will occur? The so-called real bad behavior:

? A, seeking excessive attention

? For example, always let mom stare at him, and cry if she doesn't stare at him.

B, seeking rights

? For example, the power struggle at home, you let me do it, I won't do it. As long as there is a struggle for rights, the preliminary work will not be done well. Parents' decisions are based on respect for their children. Discuss with children and ask their opinions. Once parents make a decision, children will not easily challenge, because children completely trust their parents, and everything parents do is for their own good. This relationship was laid before the age of 3, and there will be few struggles for rights protection in the later period.

C. Revenge

For example, spending money indiscriminately and destroying things at home.

D, give up on yourself

It usually appears after the child 10 years old, and the child will feel powerless to do anything. I can't learn, I can't learn this, so I wait for these four negative behaviors. If you don't solve it in childhood, you will use it on your colleagues, friends and relatives when you grow up, and it will be with you for life.

So how to identify these bad behaviors? There are two ways from the inside out:

A, pay attention to your feelings from the heart, how children make you feel angry, anxious, guilty and uneasy, then the purpose of children is to seek excessive attention. If you feel dangerous, the child wants to lead, you want to lead, and you are challenged, angered or defeated, then the child's purpose is to seek rights. If you feel hurt, disappointed, incredible or full of hatred, the child's purpose may be revenge. If you feel helpless and hopeless, then the child's situation is likely to be self-destructive. If you let your feelings dominate you, you will give up on yourself like a child.

B, observe the child's behavior from the outside to the inside, and look for clues from the child. If you ask your child to stop one of his behaviors, then the child's reaction can reflect what kind of deviant behavior he is. The first reaction: you ask the child to stop, and the child stops, but it starts again soon, so he is trying to attract your attention, that is, seeking excessive attention; Second, if you ask to stop, the child will continue his bad behavior, and may resist and passively resist your request, which will usually escalate into a struggle with the child's rights; The third type: if the child retaliates or hurts you with destructive behavior, it will usually escalate into revenge between you and the child; Fourth: If the child is very negative, I hope you will give up your efforts and leave him alone. Joking in class and becoming a laissez-faire person in class is a kind of self-abandonment. How to solve these deviant behaviors? The core solution: establish feelings with the child, express appreciation for him, pay more attention to his advantages, praise him more, and let him know that his parents love him unconditionally. This is the most basic.

? For children who pursue too much:

A, you can give your child some definite tasks and let him complete some tasks, so that he will not seek excessive attention.

Hug him often.

C, create some special time with him, for example, make an appointment to have an hour of special time with you every week. In this hour, no one can disturb us, and mom will play with you.

D, give the child a knowing smile.

E, avoid special services, if parents serve their children too much, the children will ask too much.

F, don't talk, just do it, just ignore him, ignore him and let you pay too much attention to his behavior, and take him to do what should be done next. For example, it's time for him to wash up. You can scratch his armpit and take him there. Don't exaggerate, don't reason with him, just do it.

? For children seeking rights:

A, quit, don't argue with the children for rights, and then solve the problem together when both sides settle down. You should decide your own behavior, not dictate your child's behavior. Specifically, if you have your own principles and bottom line, you should tell your children and implement them. For example, I won't cook unless you clean the kitchen. This is our principle, so today we can only eat leftovers, and if we can't reach an agreement, let the children face the result with you.

Say love and care to children.

For children who retaliate:

A, don't fight back, don't care about the children, always keep a friendly attitude, you can withdraw, but the attitude is friendly.

B, responding to emotions, such as what you just did, shows that you are very painful inside, right? I know you feel neglected, so you will do such a thing, right? When parents can accurately reflect their children's feelings, their revenge will be reduced, and then they will be invited to discuss how we can solve this problem together.

? For children who give up on themselves:

A, spend time training children, such as teaching him many methods, giving him some simple tasks first, giving him the most encouragement and affirmation when he finishes a little bit, and don't put forward higher requirements after affirming him, because that will make children feel more frustrated, arrange some small successes, give him the most affirmation, and pay more attention to his advantages.

? Unique and interesting tools:

1, active suspension, family rights struggle, when revenge begins, we call it suspension, there are several principles:

A, take time to train and tell children that there is a way to take the initiative to pause, not to punish anyone, but to let us quickly recover from a bad angry state, so we need training, so we should start to take the initiative to pause under training.

B, let children decorate their own pause area, such as children will design a palm tree, when angry, go to stay under the palm tree, etc. So find a warm corner as a place to take the initiative to stop.

Discuss a plan with your child in advance.

D finally, we should teach children that when they feel better, if the problem still exists, they should follow suit and find a solution or make up for it. Active suspension is to solve the problem.

2. Problem-solving tools: heuristic problems.

For example, what was in your heart when you first did this? What do you think we can do to solve this problem better? Do you have any ideas and suggestions to better take care of everyone's emotions? In the heuristic questioning session, why should we use it as little as possible, because why is it easy for the other party to feel condemned? It means asking this question from the heart, trying to help children broaden their horizons and let them know that there are more choices.

3. Encourage and praise, why is it important to praise him?

For example, two groups of children do a jigsaw puzzle test. One group was praised as really smart, and the other group was praised as being very exploratory and doing a great job. Later, people who were praised for being smart chose simple puzzles to do, while those who praised you for being very exploratory chose more puzzles to do, so our words can make children behave in such a completely opposite direction.

? What are the ways to shape children's good behavior? More affirmation of his motivation and process, rather than simply affirming his results, when you simply affirm his results, the child does not know why he did it right and where he did it right, and will not continue to develop this habit.

4. Family meetings

1) once a week

2) Decisions should be made on the basis of everyone's consent.

3) Including the discussion of next week's activities.

4) The last item at the end of the family meeting should be used to plan family entertainment activities for next week.

5) Family meetings should end with activities involving the whole family, such as playing games and eating desserts together.

In addition, for a single-parent family, it is not a failed family. Whether there is a problem depends on how the parents of this single-parent family view this problem. If parents face this matter normally, happily and calmly, it will generally not affect their children. If parents set their minds and feel that they have failed, children will have behavioral deviations.