I........

1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "After I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor Mr. Ed." The wife was puzzled, so he explained : "Two years ago, the cow that this bastard sold me couldn't produce milk at all. Now I want to let him taste the feeling of being cheated!"

2. Dad told Yuyu that he often went hungry when he was a child. thing. After hearing this, Yuyu had tears in his eyes: "Uh, Dad, did you come to our house because you had no food?"

3. A train was opened in a mountainous area, and farmers along the way came to watch the train. The last female guest had her period and she still went out of the window after changing the paper

It flew in the face of a farmer. The farmer took it off and said: "Wow! The train is so fast, even a piece of paper can be blown away My nose is bleeding

4. My three-year-old daughter often says to me: “Dad, do you get what you sow? I said: "Yes, you will reap melons if you sow melons, and you will reap beans if you sow beans." The daughter said happily: "Then I will grow jelly. I want a lot of jelly." ”

5. The father and son had violent tempers and never let others go. One day, the father ordered his son to buy meat to entertain guests. When he returned, he met a man at the city gate who refused to give way. They stood opposite each other for half a day, and the father came running: "My good son, you take the meat back first, and I'll face you next!" ”

A joke may be just a phrase, or it may be a short story or a series of words that amuse the speaker and the communicator, or create a sense of humor. An action-oriented joke and spoken language The difference between action-type jokes is that action-type jokes use actions to affect people's vision and make them feel funny.

6. One day, there were many people on a bus and they were buying tickets from the conductor. While buying tickets, a person suddenly farted. Everyone on the bus felt uncomfortable breathing and cursed this uncivilized person.

At this time, the conductor shouted: "Who didn't buy a ticket?" ”

A passenger replied: “The person who farted just now didn’t buy a ticket!” "

At this time, a person stood up and shouted: "Who said I didn't buy a ticket! ”

7. Mom asked Xiaoshuang to get up: “Get up quickly! The rooster crows several times! "

Xiao Shuang said: "What does the rooster's crow have to do with me? I'm not a hen! ”

A few examples:

1 Bush inspected a nursing home

One day Bush decided to visit a local nursing home in Washington.

The president entered from the lobby of the nursing home, and a little old man walked towards him. It seemed that the man had not noticed him.

Bush was not very happy, turned around and caught up with the little old man and asked, "Do you know me?" "

The little old man looked at Bush and said, "If I don't know you, you can go to the nursing station and they will tell you who you are."

2 Lawyers and Pickpockets

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a pickpocket?

Answer: Once you die, the pickpocket will no longer look at you

The difference between 3chance and opportunity

Teacher: ~~~, what is the difference between chance and opportunity? ~~~~

Student: ~~~~~The score for writing opportunity is higher than chance~~~~~

4 Your family is so poor. I happened to stomp out a cigarette when I entered your house, and your dad shouted: "Hey, someone turned off the heater. ? ”

5

Idiot, this is not for him.

An old couple was walking on the road, and a pigeon happened to fly by. Shit fell on the old lady’s head.

The old lady said: “Quick, get some toilet paper. "

"Why? He is at least half a kilometer away from us now. "

6 Childbirth

A little boy had to complete the homework left by the teacher and write an essay about "childbirth".

He asked his mother: " How was I born? "

My mother said a little uncomfortably: "My dear, our ancestors brought you to us. "

"Oh, so how were you and your father born? ”

“Well, our ancestors gave birth to us. "

"Okay, then how were the grandparents born? "

"Okay, dear, it was the ancestors who gave birth to them. ”

The little boy seemed to understand.

A few days later, the little boy handed in his composition. The teacher looked at it and couldn’t understand the first sentence.

"This essay is difficult to write, because no one in the three generations of our family was born naturally."

Self-assessment of 7 college students' graduation

Hurry, too hasty, time is really running away He was running faster than a rabbit. The scene of him wearing a green military uniform exposed to the sun in his freshman year was still vivid in his mind. In the blink of an eye, he was in his senior year. Looking back on the road I have traveled in the past four years, I feel that I have gained a lot. These four years have not been in vain. I now summarize it as follows.

Politically, I actively move closer to the party organization. I have reported my thoughts many times in written or oral form to Li Xiaohua, the only party member and league secretary in the class. Although she had always maliciously thought that I had evil intentions and was pursuing her, so she refused to go out on a date with me alone, and she didn't even read the written report I gave her, and just threw it in the wind. From the conscience of heaven and earth, from the bottom of my heart, I do have a good impression of Li Xiaohua, but I will never mix my great personal beliefs with my children's personal relationship. Although my pursuit has been hit again and again, it has never shaken my belief in joining the Communist Party.

I am honest and humble. When the road is rough, draw your sword to help. When I was at home, I saw a big rooster always bullying the little hen. He tried to climb on the little hen's back several times and pecked the little hen's shallow, bright red comb with his beak. This is not Is the strong bullying the weak? I was so angry that I picked up a hoe and smashed the rooster until it fractured. Another time at school, when I was checking information on the Internet and returning to the dormitory at 3 o'clock in the night, I heard the painful sound of a girl groaning in the bushes not far from the dormitory. I ran over without thinking and found a boy riding on his back. There is no such thing as a girl. Is there any law to arrest our girls and beat them in the middle of the night? At that time, I beat the man unconscious and rescued the charming, disheveled little girl. Although I paid more than 4,000 yuan in medical expenses afterwards, I always thought it was worth it, and I am often touched by my heroic spirit. There were also issues such as flies eaten in the school cafeteria and the school's arbitrary charging of teaching material fees that were exposed on TV and in newspapers. I reported them all. Although no one came to commend me, I feel that I must be an upright person.

I treat people warmly. The last time Li Xiaohua's father came to school, I got the news in advance and took him from the train station to school. When I saw that her father had no place to live, I took the initiative to free up my own bed. Although Li Xiaohua did not accept my kindness, my credo of treating others warmly has not changed. I firmly believe that as long as everyone gives a little love, , this world will become a beautiful world. I enjoy helping others. In order to help students with financial difficulties, I gave up the opportunity to clean the classroom and dormitory, and paid for it to a poor student in the class. This is much better than just donating money to him, that is, taking care of everything. The face of this extremely poor student has cultivated in him the concept of self-reliance.

I love the Chinese major I am studying and strive to cultivate my profound literary skills. In the past four years, I have watched more than 12,000 discs on the computer in the Internet cafe day and night, and have a comprehensive understanding of the world's film and television art. I am also familiar with the works of famous modern writers such as Jin Yong, Gu Long, Wen Ruian, Liang Yusheng, etc., to the point of memorizing them fluently. In order to improve my observation skills, I bought a telescope and secretly observed the living conditions of the girls in the building opposite. These accumulations of mine have greatly improved my literary accomplishment and writing level. I have published more than 300 literary works of various kinds such as poetry, prose, novels, and jingles on my desk, on the toilet panel, and on the wall of my dormitory.

In order to comprehensively improve my own quality to meet the needs of society, I taught myself mahjong, poker, billiards, dancing, drinking and other certain skills required by modern society, to the point of perfection. I have also tasted the benefits of these skills and can basically support myself. Last New Year's Day, I didn't go home. In just two days, I earned back a year's tuition and three months of living expenses through mahjong. I love music, and my singing voice is extremely shocking. My classmates can often hear my high-pitched and loud singing voice in the bathroom, bathhouse, and corridors late at night, and the whole building is sleepless for me.

Mangyxing Joke Network /joke ;

I love sports to the point of being crazy. I often stay in the three major European leagues. My table tennis level is the highest in the class. In my sophomore year, our class organized a men's and women's table tennis competition. Although our boys lost, in terms of the loss score, I was the least. I am also good at boxing, diving, and swimming. Since there are no venues and opponents, I cannot show my skills.

In short, the university gave me a lot, but I received very little in return. So far, I haven’t paid a penny of the four-year tuition fee of 20,000 yuan! I feel ashamed about this! Really ashamed!

1--Teacher: Xiaoxin, please use "difficult" to make a sentence. Xiaoxin: I was in a dilemma during the exam. Teacher: Is it because you don’t know the answer to the question, which puts you in a dilemma? Xiaoxin: No, it was because the students on the left and right had different answers, which put me in a dilemma.

2--A college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Where are you from?" If you don’t tell me, I’ll electrocute you! A college student replied to his enemy and was electrocuted to death. He said: I am from TV University!

3--Sister: "Little sister, what are you doing?"

Sister: "I am writing a letter to my good friend Dawa."

Sister: "Can you write letters before you go to school?"

Sister: "It doesn't matter, because Dawa doesn't know how to read letters either."

4-- A hunter went hunting in the jungle with his wife and mother-in-law. They walked all day and camped deep in the jungle that night. Early the next morning, the wife woke up and found that her mother was missing. She quickly woke up the hunter and went out to look for her together. As a result, they saw a shocking scene in an open space not far from the camp: the mother-in-law and a ferocious lion were face to face in a stalemate. "What should we do?" the wife asked in panic. "No need!" the husband replied, "This lion has provoked people it shouldn't have provoked, so let it figure it out on its own!"

5--Reporter interviews pandas: Do you have any wishes in this life? ? Panda said: 2 ideals. First, I want to see a Chinese medicine doctor when I have time to treat my dark circles. Second, I want to take a color photo (in tears).

6--A swimming pool is to be built in a place, and the staff mobilizes people to donate money. The staff asked an old farmer what are you going to donate to this swimming pool? The old farmer said: "I will donate two buckets of water!"

7--Xiao Mao: My mother is a master's degree and my father is a doctor. Xiaoxin: What’s so great! Xiaomao: Who are your parents? Xiaoxin: My father is a man and my mother is a woman.

8--A gecko got lost in front of a securities company. At this time, a large crocodile crawled over from a distance, ready to eat it in one bite. In desperation, the little gecko got on The big crocodile hugged the crocodile's leg and shouted: "Mom!" The big crocodile was stunned for a moment, and then burst into tears: "Son, I've only been in the stock market for half a month and I'm so thin!

9--Things look a little wrong, I lost three wives in three months."

"What happened?"

"The first wife ate something poisonous. The straw mushroom died."

"What about the second wife?"

"She also died from poisonous straw mushroom."

"What about the other three? ?"

"She refused to eat poisonous straw mushrooms and died from a broken skull."

10--The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, what are you doing?" Do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Ah, I'm sorry, there aren't that many." "That's it." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly. .

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there are still none."

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: "Yes. Yes, we have a hundred buns today!”

Little White Rabbit took out the money: “Great, I’ll buy two!”

11-- Four nuns

After four nuns die, they have to wait for God to decide whether they will go to heaven or hell. So the four people lined up one after another to be interrogated by God. First, God asked the first nun if she had done anything to disgrace God during her lifetime, so the first nun said that she had seen a boy's dick. God said: "It doesn't matter. Just use this basin of holy water to wash her eyes. So she went to heaven after washing." The second nun said that she had touched a boy's penis, and God also told her to wash her eyes with this basin of holy water. Just wash her hands and she went to heaven.

When the third nun was about to say something, the fourth nun asked God if he could interrogate her first. God asked her why she did this, and she said, "I don't want to wash my mouth with the water she used to wash her butt." !"

12--There were two good friends who were always inseparable and would eat and dress exactly the same to show their friendship. One day, they came to a restaurant for dinner and the waiter brought two plates of soup. There was a dead fly in one of the plates in front of them. One person felt embarrassed, while the other person shouted to the waiter: "Why are the two plates of soup different? We want the same one."

13--The professor in the law class assigned everyone to read an article about civil rights. The next day, the professor asked Tom to name 10 civil rights. Tom did not answer. The professor said: "Okay, then name 5!" Tom still remained silent, and the professor had no choice but to say: "You just need to say 5 "If you submit 1 item, you will pass." Tom replied: "I have the right to remain silent!"

14--One day 0 and 8, 6 and 9 met on the street, and 0 looked at 8 with disdain. One glance said: You are just fat, why should you wear a belt? 6 didn’t even look at it. 9 said: It’s cool, it’s cool, why are you doing handstands!

15——The husband didn’t come home all night again, and the wife couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Early in the morning, the husband pushed the door open and entered the house. The wife knocked him unconscious with a wooden stick that had been prepared. When he woke up, he said apologetically: "My dear, I'm sorry, I forgot that you worked the night shift!"< /p>

The length of a joke does not matter. Sometimes just a few sentences can produce a good laugh, such as:

1 A: My two marriages failed.

B: What’s wrong?

A: The first wife is gone.

B: What about the second one?

A: She refuses to leave.

Jokes are composed of words. Most jokes are short and people will laugh after hearing them.

One day, DH met MK and said: "Dwarf." MK was angry, used "God descends to earth", became taller and said to DH: "Dwarf." DH turned into a demon and flew away He stood up (picture effect) and said: "Dwarf." MK was speechless and walked away in embarrassment.

On the 1st day, MK saw the knight on the horse, taller than him, and said (read in Japanese): "You, get off the horse." The knight got off the horse, MK 1 saw that the knight got off the horse and was taller than him. Gao, said: "You, squat down."

One day, the prophet saw Juggernaut using Juggernaut Storm in the Orc base, and asked: "Juggernaut, what are you doing? There are no enemies here!" The sword master ignored him. After a while, the sword master stopped, holding an extra long wooden stick with clothes on it. The prophet 1 was dumbfounded. The sword master said: "Finally shake it dry." The prophet fell.

The Story of the Death Knight

The Death Knight went to the mercenary camp to recruit mercenaries. He wanted to use the bathroom on the way and didn't know where to go.

But I can’t hold it in anymore, oh, it’s so urgent.

In the end, there was no choice... Alas, there it is! ? The Death Knight held Icemourne in his hand, so he pulled it on his sword, then swung it up, and whoosh - it went up the tree.

At this moment, a certain elf also came to hire. He looked up and saw, huh?

The death knight looked embarrassed and hurriedly pulled the elf aside and took out a heavy Warcraft gold coins, whispered: "I will give you a gold coin, you must not tell this matter."

The elf also whispered: "I will give you ten gold coins , please tell me how to pull it up."

Pushing the door and bumping into my daughter talking naked

Let's assume that you are the father (I mean hypothetical), if you go home. When you open the door and enter your daughter's room, you suddenly find your daughter chatting naked. What would you do? ! "

Guess how the father of today's children usually responds? Let me make a Goldbach guess.

Answer 1: A very unimaginative father will answer: " Absolutely impossible! Because my girl’s rule is that I’m not allowed to enter the house unless I knock on the door! ”

Answer 2: A more submissive father: “Generally speaking, before I can say anything, my daughter will yell at me: ‘Get out! ’”

Answer 3: An angry father: “I will rush up and beat her to death with a folding bench!” Don't let her spread virtue to me either! ”

Answer 4: A humorous father: “Why don’t you turn on the air conditioner?” ! "

Answer 5: A father who had bumped into me for the first time said numbly: "After chatting, we went out to eat."

” or “Eat first, and then talk after eating.” "

Answer 6: A panicked father rushed in and pulled the plug.

Answer 7: A money-obsessed father: "I'll collect the management fee. "

Answer 8: A pervert father: "Daughter, how do you charge? Give me a discount? ”

Be happy!!^-^ ●¨｛xiaoxiao

zZZ *^_^*