Looking for crosstalk from soldiers' actors' lines

The award-winning work "Curing a Cold" of "Strange Tales of Soldiers" in CCTV Crosstalk Competition

B: Here we are! Let me introduce myself. I am a famous doctor here. Why am I so famous? Because I am different from other doctors, I think most of my patients. To see my patient come in and climb out. (Wait for the audience to finish laughing) Oh, no, climb in and come out. Let's start seeing a doctor. Call one in. (Look at the list). Number one, surnamed Bai, cataract. Number two, surnamed Wei, has stomach bleeding. Number three, surnamed Niu, cowhide moss. Come on, you three, go in first.

Doctor, I ... I ... ...

B: What's your date?

A: I'm fourth.

B: The next batch.

Next ... Hey, why do you think I'm so unlucky? No matter what I do, it's the next batch. A while ago, our unit promoted a cadre, and I came to be the "next batch". I will retire in the next batch. Let me introduce myself. My surname is Shan, which is a word. I put the word "good" in hundreds of surnames. My name is Sam Guo Rui, and I'm not feeling well these two days. I may have caught a cold. I came to see a famous doctor. It is said that this doctor is particularly responsible for his patients. It's time to call my number next time. ...

B: Next ... (A snuggles on B's shoulder, B takes a step, A follows) You look ill.

You can't come here unless you are ill.

B: Next, breathe with one mouth.

A: (Look around) Who means breathing with one mouth?

B: What uneducated parents have such an ugly name! ?

A: There's only one breath left. Look at that.

You haven't promised ... you haven't promised me to get off work yet!

Hey, what about me, doctor?

Oh, here's another one. What's your date?

A: No.4, you said my next batch. ...

You only breathe with one mouth!

My name is Sam Guo Rui! Take a closer look!

Oh, yes, Sam Guo Rui.

A: What look! Mountain Guo Rui thinks this is one-sided breathing.

Mountain Guo Rui! Is it uncomfortable there?

I just have a cough and asthma.

Not yet. A mouthful of asthma.

A: Doctor, I heard that the conditions here are particularly good. (glance left and right) Why is there nothing?

B: A mouthful of asthma. (A: Shan Guo Rui. ) Oh, yes, Sam Guo Rui. What do you think is wrong with you?

I think so ... you don't have to guess. I think I have a cold.

You are very clever! You say a cold is a cold, so what else should I do? You are looking for a famous doctor now. Anyone who comes to see my famous doctor should check it again.

Doctor, check it.

B: Don't move. Open your mouth. (1) A little higher. (Pitch up) (Repeat twice) A little higher.

A: Doctor, you are not a hospital, but a conservatory of music.

What nonsense!

I can sing so high!

Who told you to sing high? I told you to keep your chin up a little. I can't see.

A: Be more specific.

B: Come on.

A: Ah ~ ~

No wonder your voice is so ugly! There's a little bit on it. This ceiling is a little moldy.

A: Doctor, it is true that you are not a conservatory of music here. You are an interior decorator.

B: You said it twice!

A: Then why do you think I have a ceiling?

B: The person who comes here to see a doctor is called the ceiling. A: Maxillary, doctor. ) Oh, yes, the palate. When I was a doctor, I didn't know it was called maxilla. But I heard it was the ceiling. ) I said maxilla, in case you don't understand. I know what your education level is!

A: No matter how low my education is, I won't leave here.

Come on, come on, stick out your tongue. There's moss on it! Does it usually leak?

Oh, it usually rains heavily outside, so it rains lightly here. I thought, is my head a colander?

B: (touching a nail head) It should be closed!

A: (throw it away) It has been closed for a long time, and the air leakage has long died.

You show everyone how green it is here.

A: This tongue coating. B: Oh, yes, tongue coating. How did I hear that he is the whole house!

B: I mean long tongue coating.

A: Is the tongue coating called fur? (b: Right, right, tongue coating. ) Remember to call it tongue coating.

B: Tongue coating, tongue coating, whatever you say, ok! Tongue coating! This person is very annoying. Should I see a doctor or should you see a doctor? I have one sentence, and he has a hundred! This man is not in good health, but you are eloquent. You are a pyramid scheme. Is it? Stop seeing the doctor! Pay!

A: Ah. (coming back from a walk) Doctor, what's wrong with me?

I'll tell you as soon as you pay.

A: Ah. (coming back from a walk) Doctor, how much do I have to pay?

Oh, don't pay too much! A: Thank you, doctor. (Turning to leave) Pay first 1000!

A: (Almost fell) It took 1000 yuan to know what happened to me!

B: What's wrong with a thousand dollars? What's wrong with a thousand? A thousand won't be enough.

Isn't a thousand dollars enough? !

B: In that case, I think it may be infected. How old are you? A: Forty-one. ) What is it? A: It's a cow. ) it looks like it at first glance! His face is blue, his eyes are dull and his pupils are dilated. (Pinch your nose) Shout, (A: Moo-) Push! (A: Moo-) How about eating grass recently?

A: It's not good to eat grass recently. I only eat half a bundle of grass a day.

I suspect that you have mad cow disease.

A: I suspect you are a veterinarian. Who is the vet? ) You vet! I didn't eat mad beef at all. How can you get mad cow disease?

B: OK, OK, OK. I've said it again and again. I am a doctor who is most considerate of patients. If you don't want to check, you don't have to. But don't blame me for your madness in the future!

You're angry, too.

B: Stand still and check it again. A: check it again Please, many patients just don't cooperate with the doctor. (Rubbing nails on the shoulder) Does it hurt here? No, doctor. Think carefully before you answer, this is to see a doctor, not to buy food! Does it hurt here? A: No pain. ) no way? It should hurt here! (Squeezing nails and temples) Does it hurt here? Yes, doctor. ) It shouldn't hurt here! This question is very complicated! Bend down. (Holding the nails on his back) Does it hurt here?

Doctor, do you think it should hurt or not? B: What! ) I said it hurts, you said it shouldn't hurt, I said it doesn't hurt, and you said it should.

Tell me the truth. Does it hurt?

A: It didn't hurt at first, but you pinched me.

B: Pay!

A: Ah. (coming back from a walk) Doctor, when can I pay again?

B: You didn't pay a penny after seeing a doctor!

A: I have a word about paying money.

B: Of course there is. Don't misunderstand me. I am a famous doctor, and I am responsible for you. I'm not responsible for you to find another doctor. This is called exclusion, which excludes all the diseases you may get, not just leaving a cold!

A: I have a cold, but I haven't ruled out my money yet!

This man is full of money. Hey, what is the most important thing in your life? What is the most important thing? ) One thousand dollars can't buy the word "health".

A: The body.

B: Who is most responsible for your health in this world? Who is responsible for me? ) the doctor is the most responsible.

A: Doctor.

B: What did you earn so much money for all your life?

Why do you earn so much money?

B: Just to see a doctor!

You see ... I've been making money for him all my life! Did you get a look at him?

B: What do you mean? If you earn for me, you earn for yourself.

A: Doctor, I beg you, please pay attention. My family will sell iron and bring you a plaque. Six feet high, six feet wide, square, four big letters hanging at your door, iron reincarnation, okay?

Hehe ... We must wait. Who is near-re-embodiment?

A: Tito is a good doctor who is almost reincarnated. They say you can see clearly. ...

No, I remember it was Yugoslav, right? It's Hua tuo!

A: You are much better than Hua Tuo!

What do you mean?

A: Just give me some cold medicine.

B: Come on, such people are rare. (takes out a piece of paper) He is so stingy and doesn't take care of our businessmen! (Give a) Take the medicine according to this list!

You gave me a prescription so quickly.

B: What else is open here? It's all photocopied.

A: (reading the newspaper, grinning and beating his chest)

B: This is obviously mad cow disease! Did you get a look at him?

Doctor, you are really a great doctor! B: That's right. ) I have a cold. You prescribed me more than 500 kinds of medicine.

B: Of course.

A: Other doctors talk about movies. Tell me about Kim! I don't think I can eat it alive. I'm going to mobilize the whole family to eat, and my children and grandchildren will eat until the 28 th century. I can't believe I can't finish it!

B: Good! This is called Yu Gong taking medicine!

I understand, doctor. Why do you think there is a pressure cooker in it for me? Do you think I should steam or sit in it?

B: Why don't you have any social common sense? Pressure cookers are used for cooking!

A: Cooking We have a lot of cooking pots at home.

Your cold is no ordinary cold. Then why do I catch a cold? ) You have an imported cold.

Did I get mad cow disease again?

B: What! You've been sick since your mouth. You have a viral cold. I'm afraid you'll infect the rest of the family, so you must use what you eat alone in the future. By the way, I'll give you a pair of chopsticks alone. (written on paper)

A: (Stop) No, I'll just eat what's in the pot.

B: A little saving is just a little.

Doctor, how do you drive? Eighteen baskets of penicillin. I don't think you can stop me!

B: Don't do it all at once. Wait until it's ready.

A: Cell phone?

What if you take the wrong medicine? Call me right away. It is not too late.

But how can you drive a motorcycle for me?

B: how can I get such a big pile of things back? Don't rely on motorcycles! You are not bad!

A: What's the matter?

B: Of the three people who came in front, I drove his Santana alone!

A: Oh, dear!

Free food (enlightened warrior)

May I ask you a question?

Ah, go ahead.

What is the most important thing in your life?

B: That's eating.

A: what should I do after eating?

B: Sleep.

A: After sleeping?

B: Eat.

A: Yes, I slept and ate. Good variety!

B: Well, well, what can I say, you.

A: When it comes to eating, you can't compete with me.

How can you eat?

I eat rice outside.

B: Then let's shake hands.

A: What's the matter?

B: I eat out for free.

A: I'm in the same trade.

Tell me, where is the best place to eat free food?

A: You don't have to ask. No matter how big the money is, it is no bigger than public funds.

B: That's right. How can I say "all fools want the same thing"?

A, B Hahahaha

A: Take public funds.

B: Take public funds.

B: I found a representative card in front of the hotel the other day and let me eat it for three months.

Well, why did it take so long?

B: No matter what meeting I have, I will go in with my representative card. No one dares to stop me.

A: Wow.

B: The security guard stopped me the other day. A waiter next to him said, don't stop him, don't stop him. I know this man. This is the old representative.

A, b, hahaha

A: How can I eat without a representative card?

B: Then I'll put on my suit and wait for a limousine to come and a boss-like person to come down, and I'll pick you up. Well, I look forward to your arrival (shaking hands with A).

A: Hahahaha, where to eat?

He is much hungrier than I am. Look at that. You see, I followed the boss. The boss thinks I am the reception unit, and the reception unit thinks I am the boss. I walked into the banquet hall with my boss and waved frequently. The next day, the picture of me waving was also in the newspaper.

A, b, hahaha

You are famous.

Yesterday at noon, I had a delicious meal. Boy, this bottle of wine is worth a cow. A table of banquets can build a building. Wow, everyone is going to eat. I shouted, "No, run, wow, the TV station is going to be exposed."

A: Ha ha ha, ok!

I heard a bang.

A: What's the matter?

B: It's all scared away.

A: Who is not afraid of exposure?

B: Ha, ha, ha. I'm the only one guarding Table 15 and Table 16. I ate that dish so hard that my breasts were two inches taller than my chin. I folded the rest to make a box lunch. I ran to the street and sold it for 1800.

Yes, yes, but you don't eat as well as I do!

B: Is there any good way?

I eat more exciting than you.

How exciting is that?

A: I didn't mean to brag. Now I'm tired of eating in the city. I have eaten in the countryside.

From the city to the countryside.

A: This is called "returning to nature"

You can eat better than me.

A: A few days ago, the county sent an inspection team to check and accept the well-off villages below. The inspection team has always been composed of two people, and I went in.

B: Just two people. You're accepted.

You don't understand this, do you?

B: Ah.

A: Two people were sent down from above, and 54 people were accompanied below, including me.

A deck of playing cards.

A: Three mighty cars, the first two cars cleared the way, and more than 50 of us were crowded in the back truck.

B: not afraid of being squeezed to death.

A: Forget it. We went down the mountain singing.

B: What song?

A: We are pests, we are pests!

Yituijia

A: Who pushed me out? "When can I export, export wow, grab a meal wow-""pa"

B: What's the matter?

The tire is flat.

B: Look, it's overloaded.

A: More than 50 people came down and walked thirty or forty miles, and their eyes were green with hunger.

A pack of wolves entered the village.

There are not even leaves on that road.

B: what about locusts? Look at that.

A: When we went to Xiaokang Village, there were only eight families.

B: Oh, there are fifty-four big mouths.

A: The village chief was so scared that his legs went limp. Welcome, welcome, warm welcome!

B: I was scared to cry. Look at it.

A: In recent years, our village has become a model, welcoming a visiting group and sending away an inspection group. I calculated an account, alas, I became poor. I have to treat you to porridge today!

Hey, this is a waste of time. Look at that.

toll-free call

Li: Audience friends, the soldiers and I are here to bow to you!

Zhao: I salute you!

Da: The crosstalk we are going to talk about today is our new work this year.

Li: That's right!

Rita: We'll give it to you as a Spring Festival gift.

Li: I hope you like it, hahahahaha. ...

Zhao: This mobile phone in my hand is the latest product of our company. This is a gift for today's Spring Festival.

Li: Everybody, it's fun to listen to cross talk!

Zhao: Ladies and gentlemen, mobile phones are affordable!

Big: Let's listen to friends who are willing to listen to cross talk!

Zhao: Just shout if you want a mobile phone!

Li: I'll take this part first ...

Zhao: Do you want it? One, two, three.

Li: Stop!

Li: Disrupting, isn't it? What's the matter with you?

Zhao: What do you mean by smashing a venue? I deliver free mobile phones here.

Big: Ah, you mean your mobile phone is free.

Zhao: That's right!

Big: It's free.

Zhao: Hey.

Big: Friends, this is a liar!

Li: Ladies and gentlemen, don't be fooled!

Zhao: What is a liar? Hey, a veritable free mobile phone.

Da: How can it be free?

Li: Tell me.

Zhao: This mobile phone is not only free, but also responsible for all telephone charges. You will be fined if you play less. If you play more, we will get a reward.

Li: Oh, please speak more clearly.

Zhao: I said, even if you make international calls 24 hours a day.

Li: How about that?

Zhao: We are free, too.

Li: Do you have a size?

Z: Certainly.

Li: What size?

Zhao: 74174174741

Li: Huh?

Zhao: You can remember this: piss you off, piss you off, piss you off.

Li: Why am I so angry?

Zhao: Well, I caught it. hey ...

Big: Hey, hey, hey, don't worry. Don't worry, everyone. I am a kind person.

Li: Yes!

Rita: I am a real person.

Li: I see.

Rita: I am a brave man.

Li: That's right.

Big: This is obviously a scam.

Li: Yes.

Big: I can't watch everyone being cheated.

Li: What should we do?

I'm telling you, this time, let me do it, liar. Let me get it.

Li: I am very angry with you.

Big: it's better to provoke you than to provoke me.

Li: What do you need this for?

Zhao: Have a nice call! Goodbye!

Big: Hey, come back!

Zhao: Why?

Do you really take me for 250?

Zhao: What do you mean?

Big shot: Why don't you charge for all these exciting things? You must sign a contract for me.

Li: Good!

Big: You give it to me! Give it to me!

Li: No, guilty?

Zhao: What is fake? Our company has some small conditions.

Li: What? Tell me.

Zhao: I'm afraid you can't accept it.

Li: Hey, tell me.

Zhao: When this mobile phone is talking, advertisements sometimes appear.

Li: Advertising?

Zhao: You must listen.

Li: Listening to advertisements?

I tell you, I grew up listening to advertisements, and now I don't listen to advertisements every day.

Li: How about that?

I'll catch a cold.

Zhao: What's the disease?

Zhao: You must promise to make phone calls for eight hours every day, so the fine will be less.

I want to call 18 hours. Can't you give me money?

Zhao: How clever. You can't damage the mobile phone. You must compensate for the loss.

Li: Well, you have to pay.

I'm telling you, if a piece of paint falls off this mobile phone, I'll compensate his father.

Li: Huh? Give my dad back to him?

Rita: Give him my father back!

Li: No need!

Zhao: What do I need so many dads for? Ah! Ah!

Li: What about the deed of sale? This is ...

Big: if you sign it, you can't run in black and white. Ok, let's find a place for the injection.

Zhao: An injection? See you in a month!

Li: Hey, hey, hey, you have to mess with me once.

Zhao: What, you want it too?

Li: Of course!

Zhao: Not so much!

Li: I also like listening to advertisements.

Zhao: That won't do.

Big: I want to use everything. It's free. Can you pass? Call your wife, who is fuller than Yang Guifei, and report her happiness. Hey, it's through. Hello?

Li: Hello?

Big; Honey.

Li: Who do you call Baby?

Big: I call you honey.

Li: Me. ...

Big shot: Dear, MUA, meowed, meowed.

Li: You smelly rascal!

Big: don't hang up, don't hang up, wife, it's me. Your husband is a soldier.

Li: Oh, it's Bing Bing. Bingbing, why did you choose such an unlucky number?

I was just about to give you good news. I just got a free phone call.

Li: Bing Bing, how many times have I told you that you should go to the hospital for a good check-up.

Big: I have nothing to do. What should I do in the hospital?

Li: Look at that. Last year, you picked up a free electricity meter. After installation, this word runs faster than Liu Xiang. Last month, you picked up a free refrigerator, put an egg in it the first day, and hatched six chickens the next day. Today, you picked up this free phone again. Bingbing, are your mental symptoms getting worse?

Big shot: You are crazy.

Li: You are crazy.

Big shot: You are crazy.

Li: Me. ...

Light: Are you crazy? Do you need to see a doctor?

Da: Well, here comes this advertisement.

Guang: Our hospital is internationally certified by WCC and specializes in treating various mental diseases. Tel: 747474 1.

Big: Eh, this figure is too similar to mine.

Li: Bing Bing, you asked me to see a mental illness.

David Attenborough: I didn't say that. This is a telephone advertisement.

Li: What advertisements can there be on the mobile phone?

Big: Otherwise, how can we call it a toll-free number? People say that you must listen to advertisements. If I hit him less, I will get angry. If I hit him more, I will reward him.

Li: Bingbing, do you treat me like a fool and want to make me happy?

Wide; Fool broad beans, the more you eat, the funnier you get!

Li: You are making fun of me again!

Light: Acne cream, fight acne in the end!

Li: Oh dear! Bingbing, you are angry with me!

Don't be angry, wife. That's an advertisement!

Li: What advertisement?

L: These are two advertisements.

Li: Bingbing, I can't live with you like this!

Do you want a divorce?

Li: Huh?

Guang: Do you want to start a new life?

Li: I think!

Guang: Then come to the divorce office where Yuanyang was beaten. This office has not remarried!

Li: Oh dear!

Why did I receive such an immoral advertisement?

Li: Bing Bing, you found everything! Tomorrow morning, I will divorce you!

Da: Oh, gnome male-",wife gnome male-"?

Da: No, my wife misunderstood. Last year, he said he wanted to divorce me. Call my mother-in-law to explain. Hello?

Li: Who is it?

Lao Niang, it's me. Your son-in-law is a soldier.

Li: It's a soldier. What happened? Did the couple quarrel?

Big: No quarrel.

Li: No quarrel. Are you divorced?

Do n't go by what she says It was a misunderstanding!

Li: This is a misunderstanding. All right, all right. I'm relieved to hear that.

Don't worry, I'm just calling to congratulate you on the New Year.

Li: Thank you.

I wish you a happy new year. ...

Li: How's it going recently?

Guang: fever and chills, weakness of limbs, backache and cold hands and feet.

Li: Bingbing, I didn't scold you.

G: Please use the new medicine-Stretching Legs and Staring Pills.

Li Heda: Oh dear!

Li: Bing Bing, you are scolding me!

Don't be angry, old lady. This is an advertisement.

Li: Well, advertisements, look at my health. It really makes me sick.

G: Do you have stomachache, bloating and stomach cramps?

Li: My stomach has stopped hurting!

G: Do you have headache, dizziness and head spasm?

Li: I'm not dizzy either.

G: Do you have urgency, frequent urination and spasm?

Li: Will there be any pain in urine?

G: Please use Chili diapers. One pair of pants is four pairs of pants!

Li Heda: Oh dear!

I said, can you stop this advertisement for a while? Mom, are you okay?

Li: I'm fine. Tomorrow morning, let our daughter divorce you!

Big: This old lady!

Big: My father-in-law called! Explain to his old man's house quickly

Da: Hello, Dad.

Li: Don't call me dad, I don't have a dad like you at all!

Big: huh?

Li: Wrong! I don't have an uncle like you!

Da: Oh, Dad, don't be angry. Let me explain!

Li: explain to me what, if you are angry with your mother, I will fight you!

Guang: Brand boxing gloves are effective with one punch and lose teeth with two punches!

Li: Good boy, you have to use force with me. Ok, I'll find someone who can use it. ...

G: Do you need a kitchen knife? Hemp seed kitchen knife, extremely sharp!

Li: Oh, you want to play with me!

Da: Dad, how dare I touch a knife with you here! I want to invite you to dinner!

Li: You are angry with me. What can you buy me to eat?

Light: powerful rat poison, one pill will work!

Li: Good boy, you have to give me medicine to die. This is not a son-in-law. I'm going to the police station to sue you! Wow-

Big: Dad, Dad!

David Eddie: I knew it. Cheap goods are not good, good goods are not cheap! Call whoever offends you and don't want money. Simply, I'll turn it off!

This mobile phone reminds you that if you don't play for 8 hours today, you will be fined 65,438+10,000 yuan!

Li: Me. ...

Machine: this mobile phone reminds you: damage your mobile phone and compensate your father.

Big: keep playing.

Hey, sister-in-law, I am your brother-in-law. Why can't you hear me? It's my fault, not the widow, but my brother-in-law ... help!

Light: If you want to be healthy, use it sooner or later. I see Bao Xiao every day. See Bao Xiao every day! ……

Zhao: A month has passed. Let me see how the person who uses the toll-free phone is now.

Zhao; Teacher Jin Dou, have you ever seen a soldier?

Li: Soldier, I haven't seen you for over a month!

Zhao; Is anybody there?

Li: Let me see, let me see.

Li and Zhao: Hey, here we come!

Big: Old wine is easy to drink. ...

Zhao: We have another volunteer advertising promoter!

Zhao: Hi, how are you?

Big: I won't get sick this year, I won't get sick, I won't get sick, I won't get sick, and I will take painkillers when I get sick. Antonin, Antonin, Antonin ...

Zhao: Soldier, what's it like to call for free?

Great: Great, flying feeling!

Zhao: How about your mobile phone?

Big: whether the mobile phone is good or not, whoever uses it knows!

Zhao: This hair needs washing!

Yes, it is healthier to wash.

Li: Look, they are all standing up!

Big: I choose, I like it.

Li and Zhao: Why?

Big: It's good to be a woman.